<p>So what does an “early Alzheimers” diagnosis really mean? My FIL just received confirmation of that diagnosis. His personality is completely different than it used to be, but so far he doesn’t seem to me like he has memory problems. He still functions, he still participates in conversation although he is not as vocal any more. He seems happier now in some ways, like he has no stress whatsoever. My MIL on the other hand is losing it.</p>
<p>PhotoOp- In my observation, problems with dementia and memory loss vary considerably with the individual. Some people have personality changes accompanying their diagnosis and others do not. The rate of decline and nature of symptoms also varies. Sometimes the environment plays a role in minimizing how obvious their symptoms/level of functioning are, perhaps because they are in a familiar place or one that doesn’t ask them to learn new things or keep track of many responsibilities. If one is calm and cooperative, with a pleasant social veneer, that goes a long way to making problems less evident.</p>
<p>My father’s memory is severely diminished at this point, but he is calm and affable, without confusion about who people are and he knows how to engage in superficial social banter, retaining a sense of humor. Initiating conversation has declined with time, but he has continued to be able to follow along on what others start and make “appropriate” contributions. He lives in skilled nursing as he could never keep track of ways to remain social and needs some prompting for his ADLs. I feel fortunate that his decline has progressed slowly, but he is severely impaired. Since the environment doesn’t require that he keep track of anything, you might spend awhile with him before you noticed how limited his functioning would be in an independent situation.</p>
<p>travelnut - thanks for that insight. My MIL intends to keep him in the home and care for him herself until the bitter end. We’ll see how that works out as we go along but at least we are close by. </p>
<p>He did have the neuropsych testing others were talking about and an MRI of the brain - it was so great to have already read about that on this board and to know what it all meant. Thanks for posting your info everyone, you never know who will benefit :)</p>
<p>PhotoOp, travelnut is right, symptoms vary from one individual to another, and they can also vary from day to day within the same individual. That’s been striking with my dad; when he’s stressed or in pain, his memory is markedly worse than when he’s comfortable and happy. </p>
<p>My mom is like your FIL – her personality changed months before her memory loss became obvious. Even now, if you had a casual conversation with her, you probably wouldn’t know that her memory is impaired. She’s always been a vivacious, gregarious person, and she still has the residual skills to carry off a coherent, engaged, appropriate conversation. Then 10 minutes later, she won’t even remember that she talked to you. It’s weird.</p>
<p>photoOp My Mom’s diagnosis wasn’t Alzheimers. Just executive functioning loss and short term memory loss. She still engages in conversations and seems really nice an normal … for about 5 minutes when the conversations start over. And she has NO sense anymore. She will do what anyone says, including signing up for FREE BOOKS (I called her yesterday as she was buying stamps to send them in…I hope the AL place round files them).
Anyway, I can’t help with meaning of early onset Alzheimers. I just can send support because dementia sucks and hurts and doesn’t seem to get any better.</p>
<p>For those of you wondering about our saga… It seems slow, but we are making progress. My bro is in hometown to fire unhandy and tell him to vacate his house (on the property). I consulted a lawyer and have threats etc in my back pocket if he doesn’t go quietly. I think (hope! wish!) he will. He hasn’t tried to contact her since we told him not to. We have a property management company in place. It seems like it will cost a lot more than having just a handy man in town, but no, I think in the long run we will see it costs MUCH less. </p>
<p>Mom was defending unhandy on the phone yesterday. She really loved him in a way. Not creepy, but loved having him at her beck and call and for a long time he responded when she called. And they would plot together and never accomplish anything, which is something she loves to do. But when she became less smart and attentive, he started down the slope of entitlement. And he went too far to recover for me. </p>
<p>Mom moved into Grandma’s house 30 years ago and put most of her stuff in the barn and just lived with Grandma’s stuff. Grandma (died in 1988) bras are still in the drawers for example. This is what we have to face cleaning out. And Mom will not be happy. Grandma gave bro the big white oak dining set, but he never took it because Mom actually was one to say “It is yours, but leave it here” and he is going to haul it to his house (Good news, fixing up his house for a wedding this summer, my next eldest niece.) If Mom sees it gone I think she will stroke out right then. </p>
<p>I’ve alerted the AL place that she will be upset this week. I feel like a cowardly worm not going and meeting with bro. I wrote the you are fired unhandy letter, bro is delivering it. I try to reconcile not going up there because I am “busy” ( 3 town council meetings this week, but it is small town small stuff, I am in NO way vital to anything). And next week I can’t because Kids will be home for break and we are taking a break skiing with them. I am hoping to get to spend a bit of time beyond just meeting briefly my DD’s BF of several years. I also plan to go up for Easter. So maybe Mom will not think I betrayed her. It sometimes feels like I am betraying her, but mostly my brain knows that we are absolutely doing the right things. </p>
<p>And with other cautions, I have a couple of crazy cousins that feuded with my mom and her handling of Grandma’s estate. If they find out Grandma’s house is being closed, they will be on it like vultures. Another reason for this stealth crxx we are doing. I am not really very good at stealth!</p>
<p>Esobay, you know you ARE doing the right things for mom. Glad you got bro to help. Hope unhandy won’t make it harder than it already will be for your mom. Getting to know DD BF sounds very important to me. Cut yourself some slack and know you’re doing your very best in tough times.</p>
<p>You ALL do so much for your parents!</p>
<p>I can’t seem to make any progress on getting my MIL to even consider visiting an assisted living place just to take a look.</p>
<p>Just called my Mom – thought 2:30 on a Sunday afternoon would be a good time to catch her sober – but NO. The insurance company has discontinued the healthcare aides who were coming in a few times a week to help with my dad – my mom says the insurance company says he is “better” and doesn’t need help anymore – ***?!? The man is in diapers and can’t wash or dress himself – in no way is he “better.” Oh, and my mom says she is going to be short $1,000/month soon and is hoping I can help her or they won’t be able to pay the rent. I don’t mind helping her but the terrible thing is that I don’t really trust her – these people have mismanaged every penny that has ever passed through their hands – I want to ask to see some documentation of their income and expenses but that seems really rude. SO frustrated right now, with all of these people.</p>
<p>This is horrible but I wish I had cut ties with my parents 20 years ago. I could have justified doing it, and I wouldn’t have to deal with them now. Now they’re old and sick and I can’t turn my back on them. I feel like the worst person in the world for feeling this, but I can’t help it. I’ve never been close to them, they chose alcohol over their kids – why are we stuck dealing with them now that their bad decisions have brought them to this place? :(</p>
<p>Oh Simpkin. If you are not in counseling already, go there. Even to Al-A Non for Families.
Conflicted feeling abound no matter where on the scale your parents fall…seems to me yours fell so much further down than mine, and <em>I</em> am conflicted with how to best “pay it back”. In your shoes, I think I’d draw very very very harsh and clear boundaries and never, ever give them any money. If you wouldn’t judge a friend who was in your shoes THE WHOLE WAY, then you shouldn’t judge yourself badly either. </p>
<p>It really really helped in just a one time counseling session to have the guy say, Fire Unhandy already. He is a survivor and not your problem.</p>
<p>If you can get some support saying something which brings you similar clarity, it would be so worth it.</p>
<p>Thanks esobay. </p>
<p>I’m okay with helping with the rent because the alternative is that they would have to move, and right now they are in a good situation. Keeping them where they are makes everything easier for everyone. It was hard for her to ask me for money (first time), so I feel bad asking for proof of how much is truly needed. OTOH I think of how much money they must spend on wine (even though it is cheap wine they must go through gallons each week) and it is a bit enraging.</p>
<p>I’m sure you are right that some counseling would be helpful.</p>
<p>One thought is drawing up a reverse mortgage type of agreement if they own their own place so that you can get back whatever you give them when their place is sold at some future date? It is an idea at least worth considering if they own the place they live in.</p>
<p>simpkin, no, you are NOT a bad person. More often than I’d care to admit, I resent the heck out of my parents. The reasons are different, but the feeling is the same. And I know I’m not the only one. </p>
<p>Regarding the money stuff – How do you think they’d feel about your taking over the finances altogether? As in, you take custody of the checkbook, you write the checks and they sign them. Or you could even become a signer yourself, perhaps down the road. One step at a time. </p>
<p>They’ll probably balk at first, but there are several things I’ve learned about persuading irrational elderly parents: First, they seldom agree at first. Decisions take a number of conversations, over weeks or months, so don’t give up. Second, it really helps if all the siblings are on the same page, and all are working to persuade the parents. And third, emphasize how it will benefit them (no need to mention that it will help you too!): “Just think, if you let someone else handle it, you’ll never have to worry about money any more.” </p>
<p>Hugs to you.</p>
<p>Agree with the above as well. Better to get legal durable power of attorney sooner than later, so you can act while they still have mental capacity and can avoid going to court for court order.</p>
<p>Thanks so much for the support. They rent their apartment. They lost their house a few years ago after double-mortgaging it to finance some stupid real estate investments (which ended up getting foreclosed). This is the pattern of their lives – a series of reckless decisions that always end in disaster. </p>
<p>I don’t think I want to take over their finances. My mother is 100% mentally there when she’s sober. She’s only 72 years old. I know she needs financial help, and I’ve been offering it for a long time. I guess I was sort of taken aback when the request finally came by how much they need. But all they have is Social Security. They had some sort of annuity that was supplementing the SS, but now that’s ending. I could say, no, too bad, you’ll have to move to an apartment you can afford – but I don’t want them to move. It should be pretty easy for me to figure out how much they are getting in SS and how much they are paying for rent. You know, I am just really ****ed off about the drinking. Who needs to be slurry drunk in the middle of the afternoon? Sheesh.</p>
<p>Simpkin, if you end up giving money, I would pay the landlord directly. That way you know the money is being used where its needed. Growing up around an alcoholic makes you learn they can be conniving, sneaky and untrustworthy.</p>
<p>No need to feel bad, your doing the best you can with the hand you were dealt. If they don’t like it tell them, ‘you get what you give’. Good luck and enjoy your time away from them.</p>
<p>I agree with paying rent directly to landlord. Also think its best for you to get durable power of attorney now even if you don’t plan to use it yet. Will save you court costs in the future. Much better to have done when everyone has capacity to consent.</p>
<p>Me too - decide what amount you are willing to pay, even if it is not the entire rent, and pay it directly to the landlord, then they just have to pay the remainder.</p>
<p>We went and visited FIL over the weekend while MIL was out. It was rather surprising. We knew he didn’t contribute much to conversations but with her out of the house he really didn’t say anything at all. If you asked him yes or no questions he would only answer affirmatively or stare at you. We didn’t end up staying long because it was very awkward to try to hold a conversation with someone who wouldn’t speak. My husband and I mostly talked to each other. He used to do all his own gardening so I did ask him about planting a tree in my yard to try to draw him out a little bit and that got a little response. We also gave him some music we thought he would like for his birthday and he looked at the CD with interest and opened it up and read it but I’m not sure if he will listen to it. After we left my husband was depressed because he felt we should have stayed longer or visited when MIL was home. But I thought it was good for us to see him on his own and help fill the time when he was by himself (even though we didn’t know she wouldn’t be home). His memory seemed ok though. When we called he answered the phone and by the time we got to his house (maybe 4 minutes) he hadn’t forgotten we were coming. We don’t know if he told MIL we were there although we did leave evidence (CD, card).</p>
<p>OK, I need help/advice. My Mom (widowed) who is 90 fell twice and had small fractures. She lives in her home of 60 years. She was hospitalized and she was then transferred 2 weeks ago to an assisted living. Her thought process was confused and agitated in the last few months and now after about 3 weeks of being in institutions she has cleared back to her usual anxious and nasty self (she can be down right mean) and quite energetic and ambulatory. She is demanding to go home to her disorganized home (some hoarding but clean). She was probably taking her meds at home (I checked). I live several states away, and I just went to visit her at the assisted living and look at her house. The assisted living is nice but she is livid and not adjusting. I think she was eating OK at home. I have a call to her doctors office to discuss the situation. The thing I worry the most about is : I do not want her to drive - my brother (who also lives far away and joined me in this past week to visit) will not ride with her. I am afraid a car mistake will be tragic. We did, this week, transfer her mail to my brother who has taken over the paperwork so that is probably not going to be scattered anymore like it has been in the past several years since my Dad died. We cannot explain her transfer of mental confusion back to normal self. She was very agitated with a neighbor just before the fall. She is now oriented and her memory is better. She is now not sundowning and is oriented with pretty good memory. We have durable POA… Now that she is with it she is miserable in the assisted living and I see her point of not fitting. I don’t think another one would be better and I don’t think she is a good fit for one at this time.</p>
<p>*So the help I need is how do I find trustworthy home care caregivers agency to drive her to the grocery store and to the post office,etc? Even check on her daily? I don’t think she needs meals on wheels but it could not hurt. She would not let people in her house to help with housekeeping or laundry or bathing. I did think about sending laundry out but I don’t think she will go for it. I don’t want to burn out her neighbor(80 some) or her sisters in law ( in their 80’s) who are her support system in town. This is small town and the only place she has ever lived. Moving her to another town would be really hard for her. I am going to ask her internist about care giver help. Is there a site that lists good ones in towns or recommendations, etc?</p>
<p>So sorry about the intensity of my post- I read the whole thread and decided to ask for help late tonight. Thanks for reading it- online I found a meals on wheels in the town and a care givers in a home health care agency. I will ask her internist if he thinks this is OK. This is so hard.</p>
<p>rockymtnhigh. you are dang right, this is so hard. Your mom sounds like she will be OK with just some home health checking in. Ask at the hospital for a social services visit and recommendations for people or agencies to consider . Ask at the hospital who keeps the “problem caregiver” list. The advocates in my smaller home town said they they knew all the usual suspects (when dealing with my Dad’s wife wanting to go home out of assisted living with what turned out to be a predatory caregiver… too bad we’d moved Dad and her D in charge didn’t do the checking up until AFTER Dad’s wife was home and the care giver got a lot. ) Everyone had advised step sis to to more due diligence … but she was a good Christian woman … according to what reference IDK, but the advocates had her on the bad list.</p>
<p>And get ready for a long ride that goes up and down A LOT. </p>
<p>Pull the keys or the carburator, whatever you have to do. We didn’t with Mom and it is a blessing that something horrible didn’t happen. It wasn’t smart to take that chance.</p>
<p>Oh, and when I took over the paperwork, it looked like Mom was bleeding money as I found so many unpaid bills and problems. Paperwork is a pretty big chore, I am glad yo have help! (I do too, and would NOT get through this without DH and bro!)</p>
<p>Internist and AL staff sound like good allies. Glad to hear of BAD caregiver list(even if it may be informal). Hang in there. Many will be going down the same path with you. Insurer MAY have list of recommended caregivers, as sometimes churches do.</p>