<p>Does the assisted living place also have independent living units? My mom’s does and she can move there with no problem if she improves. Meals are provided and some transportation for doctor’s appointments, Walmart, fun days out. They have activities and movies. You can arrange for extra help with meds or bathing etc. She might fit in better there and then assisted will not be such an adjustment when she needs it.</p>
<p>rockymtn- there is often talk of seniors getting altered, confused, even some dementia in the hospital. They are in pain and out of their routine and cannot cope. Think about your Mom as if her ability to manage life pretty well fits in a certain range of how she feels. As people age, it seems like that range gets narrower and narrower, so just about anything new & different can knock them out. The behavior you saw in the hospital could be a precurser of how she will be all the time some day, or it could just be how she gets when all her defenses are down and she just cannot cope.</p>
<p>If you read seniors articles and blogs you will run across reports of this.</p>
<p>Yeah, in our case, a broken hip did set my mom back mentally and as she recovers physically, she is recovering mentally. However, her memory and speech were already on such a downward turn before the injury that this served as a tipping point to put her in assisted living where she probably should have already been. We did everything we could to keep her in her own home before this, so she probably skipped over being able to go into independent living. I think as they move into needing more help, there is something that turns that corner for them, in our case the broken hip. I don’t see how we could have gotten her into assisted living otherwise.</p>
<p>RMH, the descent into dementia is not always a steady slope. My FIL had a severe episode in November 2011 - grossly confused, disoriented, overtly delusional, hallucinating, etc. We looked into assisted living for him … then he got better. Over the course of a couple of weeks he recovered to his previous condition - forgetful, but nothing too bad. We hired caregivers to look in on him 2-3 days a week, make him lunch, etc. For about a year he did OK. Then he started getting increasingly irrational. I upped the caregivers to 5 days a week, but he had another episode and is in assisted living now. (The episode was scary but in hindsight, a blessing.) </p>
<p>He continues to have his ups and downs. If you talked to him for 5 minutes you might think nothing was wrong. I still go over his finances with him every three months. He focuses right in, and makes cogent comments. Ten minutes later I doubt he remembers any of it. </p>
<p>It’s not easy on anyone. You just have to roll with things and adjust your responses and expectations to the current reality - whatever it happens to be - even while realizing that though the road has twists and turns, it still only goes one direction.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the responses and help- I am taking the suggestions and appreciate the perspectives. I like knowing what to expect - this helps me mentally prepare. Very helpful.</p>
<p>Once again I need some advice from the people who have “been there, done that, and got the t-shirt”.</p>
<p>Mom has been in rehab since Feb 13th. We had a care planning meeting today and I was able to speak to all members involved in her care- Nurse, PT, OT, Speech, Social worker. They are all saying the same thing, while mom always tries to do whatever anyone asks her to do, she’s not showing much progress. Of course, since she’s on medicare, as soon as she plateaus, then it will be bye, bye rehab.</p>
<p>They have been able to show reasons why she’s not doing too well- she suffered from c-diff for a little while and earlier this week her white count started climbing again so they are fighting that infection.</p>
<p>She’s diabetic (type 2) and was off her metformin because her A1C dropped to 4.9. After all this trauma to her body it has spiked to 8.5 and they have her back on the pills and also insulin when her sugars are high (which happens a lot).</p>
<p>Everyone is saying that we can expect something to happen- possible discharge in 3 weeks but that 3 week estimate is a moving target. If she keeps making small babystep upwards progress, then the 3 weeks will move forward to the next 3 weeks.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, I don’t think mom is going to be able to come home. We don’t have the money for a 24 hour care person to come in and she’s not at the stage where she can get up and do transitions (bed-wheelchair-toilet, etc) on her own.</p>
<p>Luckily our hospital sent in the Medicaid LTC application on 7 Feb and so now we wait to see what happens next.</p>
<p>I know I need to find a place for her to go, but am not sure what I should be asking in order to find the “right” place. She doesn’t have any LTC insurance and lives only on SS. The place she’s currently in for short term care does take medicaid patients but it’s just my luck that they don’t have any open beds at this time. drat.</p>
<p>Does anyone have any suggestions, or ideas? It looks like I have a little time to plan, just not sure what to plan.</p>
<p>thanks, chuckle</p>
<p>What did the staff at the care plan meeting think would be the ‘right’ kind of place for her? It sounds like you may be looking at a nursing home, but you’d probably want to check with your state to see if they have any home care programs for medicaid patients. Some states (not sure how many or how much money states have for these programs) find it’s less costly for them to pay for home care than for nursing home care.</p>
<p>You can’t always count on good facilities having open beds, so it may make sense to get on waiting lists at several places. Hopefully, for your sake, she makes enough progress to be able to stay where she is for a few more weeks to give you time to sort through this.</p>
<p>Shell, Yes, I think it may be nursing home as mom will be non-ambulatory. I will look into that, I would prefer she come home, but I know I can’t afford the kind of care she would need–someone being here for her around the clock.</p>
<p>thanks.</p>
<p>A friend’s family was able to hire church members so mom could remain in her home until she died. It was pricey but much less than private service would have been.</p>
<p>Chuckledoodle: I am sorry you are in a tough spot. Those care conferences turn into a blur in a day or so.
Mom had insurance (that I have yet to collect on) so we were lucky that way. </p>
<p>The two tips I got that might help you is to contact your State elder care and see if they have a state level medicare program. Also, medicare and social security will pay family members for care, but you have to jump through some hoops to get that. The social services people at our hospital were good with Mom, but they just gave me a pamphlet with phone numbers to call. The social services people at the rehab place were much more helpful with suggestions and helping file the right papers for insurance. And keep asking EVERYONE, sometimes it will be a long term nurse who can say “Well, I can’t promise this will work, but I heard that xxxx”.
Also carry a little notebook with ideas because as you get out a little while, the ideas get lost. Dementia is contagious is a reality in my family.
When any of us are in town for long we start forgetting things. My brother was there this week and locked himself out of the house. I left my coat up there… Your brain can just take only so much battering and that is what this process begins to feel like. Brain and heart battering.</p>
<p>Chuckdoodle -</p>
<p>My mom broke a leg at 92, (she was living independently at home before, with a bit of help that came in for chores and things), and had to go from rehab to a nursing home. She is together mentally, but a bit forgetful (not much). Mobility very limited. Anyway, what I suggest is you look on the medicare.gov site, and check out nursing home ratings. Make a list, and go visit in person. There is a really big difference in quality. </p>
<p>The nursing home my mother is in now has more of a “Y” type feel - lots of activity, movies, trips, programs. Mom needs help now the “activities of daily living” - bathing, toileting etc. That is how you are rated for nursing home entry - and the more debilitated you are, the more the home wants you, cause the medicare/medicaid payment is higher. Anyway, the home she is in now was wiling to take her “medicaid pending” - cause we had all the financial docs in place to show that she was going to be eligible for medicaid. They put in the application . Make sure the hospital social worker doing the app is applying for long term medicaid , not just community medicaid. The difference is in how far they “look back” for assets (months compared to years).</p>
<p>I think also, even if mom could stay here with me, (I can’t handle the physical care), she is benefiting alot from all the interaction with staff, other patients, therapist at the home. My mother isn’t an easy person but has adjusted - she knows that is the level of care needed .</p>
<p>You can also hire a “geriatic care manager” to help you check out nursing homes, etc. My friend does that professionally, so she helped me.</p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>
<p>My mom was in rehab after a broken hip and they dismissed her after about 3 weeks with only a few days’ notice. We had to private pay for her to stay at rehab while we scrambled for an assisted living place. Fortunately, we were able to find her room at our second choice. Unfortunately, even though rehab insisted that mom could never drive again, live alone again and had memory and speech problems severe enough to require assisted living plus OT, PT and SP, they just submitted forms to her LTC insurance saying that she has no cognitive impairment. Ay! I might as well glue my phone to my ear! I also have that contagious dementia.</p>
<p>I just found this thread while waiting to hear from some colleges. I simply would not know where to begin. Have not read the whole thread, just some postings and it all sounds so God awful familiar. Its all now a daily exercise and really sucking the life out of me and my wife. The drama and repercussions affects our kids too. Some days are just too much.</p>
<p>Welcome, ops. Yes, it does become life-sucking to go through this. There are days I literally have to force myself to go see my mother because I really can’t do it otherwise. Fortunately, my kids no longer live at home so they’re less affected by the drama, but I’ve been dealing with my mother since they were 8 and 5 years old, so it certainly impacted them.</p>
<p>Feel free to vent or ask questions anytime.</p>
<p>ops - welcome to the thread none of us wants to be part of! Some themes that have emerged:
- take care of yourself; we are of no use to our parents if we are “spent”
- we do the best we can and cannot beat ourselves up if it is not perfect; it is often a world of making the best choice among several unpleasant ones
- accept help; if you can be the daughter/son and let others be the caretakers, spend your energy it that capacity. This was particularly helpful to me when my dad needed so much help with daily living</p>
<p>I am sure that I am not doing justice to what I am trying to say, but these themes have been as important to me as the practical advice on things like powers of attorney and spending down assets. I hope you find empathy and comfort here. You are not alone.</p>
<p>My mil wants us to take fil with alzheimers to the movies and out to lunch on a Saturday while she is busy with something else. While it doesn’t sound bad on paper, he doesn’t talk at all and before he got Alzheimers he was a miserable person who we avoided spending any time with. We visited him on his birthday last week when he was home by himself and it was extremely awkward since he doesn’t communicate other than staring at you and an occasional yes to a yes or no question (always yes, for no he just doesn’t say anything). And we don’t generally go to the movies etc. on Saturdays since they are so packed. Any ideas what else we can do to spend an entire day with a non-communicating person? We don’t have a zoo nearby or that’s where I would take him since he is physically fit and a zoo can entertain just about anyone.</p>
<p>Ops- welcome. It is good to know how complex and challenging situations are. I have learned a lot here, including knowing what I can not change and putting my efforts where they count most. If it doesnt make any sense, you can expect less participation from me (minus dementia). I also believe that my first obligation is to the family we created. Kids can not be freeze- dried until the elder care issues are sorted, and some elders are determined not to advance constructive solutions. </p>
<p>Best with this and the college process.</p>
<p>Ops- welcome aboard the crazy train! This is one of the few places that can answer all sorts of questions. </p>
<p>What do you do with family members that just don’t get it? I spent an hour on the phone last night with my sister explaining moms status not good/not bad expect nursing home. It was amazing the amount of disconnect there is between texting ‘mom is OK, still can’t walk or transition on her own’ to the vocal ‘no, mom can’t sit up, get in her wheelchair, or do anything on her own’. </p>
<p>She just moved into a new house, so i wanted her to start saving money for a trip out here this summer. H and I don’t know how long she’ll last in this condition, but I want to make sure my S and B make one last trip. Just in case. Then Sis says she doesn’t want to fly out with B cause he’ll make her a nervous wreck. H and I would rather they come out at same time, to save our vacation days. Told Sis since they live 100 miles apart, she can fly out of one airport and B can fly out of another one. Argh.</p>
<p>She’s an empty nester and the only thing she has to do is take care of her diabetic cat which her won’t help her with. I’m afraid I got a little testy with her and said ‘is that all? I’m working full time doing my job, I have 4 taskers due by Friday, I visit mom 3 times a week, I have a team member who won’t do his job so i get to babysit / micromanage, I’m taking two online courses that each require weekly discussion board posts, weekly exams, weekly 3 page papers, i have to check on medicaid, find mom a nursing home AND go on ‘vacation’ taking D to look at small engineering schools. Wanna trade?’</p>
<p>It was petty, but she got the point. I didn’t think I was that stressed, but apparently I am since I have the beginning of a cold sore on my lip. </p>
<p>Sorry for the rant, I feel a little better.</p>
<p>On another note- Can anyone tell me if Medicaid will come after me if I use some of moms SS $ to pay for part of a plane ticket for my B?</p>
<p>ChuckDoodle- Sorry for all the stress you’re under, but at least your sister got the point. You need to be direct with your family and hope that they respond. Being an only, I don’t have sibling issues to deal with. Sometimes that’s good; sometimes it’s not.</p>
<p>Medicaid will look back at your mother’s finances for the past 5 years and can question any expense over that time period. I’m not sure if they would question whether she was trying to hide assets by “giving” money to your brother.</p>
<p>If you’re busy with sports, PhotoOp, how about taking your FIL along for the errands/practices/games. If he wants to be silent, let him. There will be stimulation and he can walk with all of you to/from the car and wherever their events are. Maybe take him shopping if you need to go shopping. It will be good to let your mom know you are trying to help keep him stimulated while she’s having her respite. </p>
<p>My FIL loved coming to our kids’ sports events. He had no idea what was going on, but liked walking around the fields where the games occurred. We would keep an eye on him, cheer for the team and then round him up when it was time to get back in the car. He didn’t mind shopping either, but we had to have someone stick like glue to him so he didn’t wander off and have us spend a long time finding him.</p>