<p>vballmom - What a good friend you and your sister are. It also sounds like your friend is appreciative of what you’re doing, which isn’t always the case with parents.</p>
<p>Thanks mommusic and shellfell. I’m so appreciative of my friend’s attitude through these past couple of weeks. My MIL fought tooth and nail at every transition, so I know how difficult that can be. We heard yesterday that my MIL is no longer eating or drinking - she’s 95. She’s in a wonderful continuing care facility which is keeping us apprised of the situation there.</p>
<p>Sorry about your MIL. It is not uncommon for people to stop eating and drinking near the end of their lives and spend more energy “inward.” That happened with my SIL. Glad she’s in a good place who is keeping you apprised.</p>
<p>vballmom- What a sense of accomplishment and exhaustion that must accompany those efforts. How lucky she is to have you. </p>
<p>You bring up a great point about assisted living. There are different levels of care available under this same name. Some are essentially a hotel with 2 or 3 meals a day arrangements, while some allow add-ons which are billed “a la carte” and others will, for a flat rate, dispense meds, monitor vitals, treat viruses, etc. It makes a huge difference if a family member or friend has to pick up and address all changes in medications, for example, vs. having the staff order each script, keep track of them, dispense them if memory fails, adjust dose, etc. Ask a lot of questions about what you can expect from staff regarding every area of daily living: meds, showers or baths, dressing, managing incontinence, prompting for meals or activities, handling illnesses (acute and long term), etc. This will help you match the facility to needs. I have a bias towards having fewer moves, with support available a step or two past where the elder is today. You can always decline unneeded help, but adding it can be more challenging. </p>
<p>I continue to marvel at the efforts of all the posters here, as well as learn from the variety of experiences.</p>
<p>Actually, I’ve heard that it costs about $30/pack for the damage smoking does, to the smoker and those around him/her. In our state, a pack is up to about $8. To get around this, some places have “roll your own” machines that use pipe tobacco, until the price of that can be raised.</p>
<p>Just heard a high chirping sound and knew instantly it was a smoke detector needing a new battery. Reminded me of the time I visited home and my father said “There’s a cricket in the house.” Um, no, that would be a smoke detector. How long has this been going on??? :D</p>
<p>He’s doing well in assisted living but has a “slight” case of pneumonia now. He missed his annual bout last winter.</p>
<p>Advice from the trenches:</p>
<p>Going into this journey, yes, I did get good advice and ignored a lot of it. Here are the consequences of ignoring good advice.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Housekeeper had a phone under Mom’s name for 2 years. She’d paid on time (I think) for those years but got behind this Christmas. I contacted her to try to get her to take the contract in her name and to pay the bill. She would not respond. I was told to cancel it immediately … I said she should take it over and she paid the December bill. Jan. … bill late and (oh yeah, this is great) the other phone on that account (her daughter) Increased the plan to the max data rate and cost another $150 and it wasn’t paid.<br>
So trying to let the person take the contract and keep her number cost my mom another $337 when it was said and done. </p></li>
<li><p>Handyman had gotten himself added to the car insurance and in Jan (after Mom was in AL place) waltzed in and put another car $330/6mo on her insurance). I said take it off, he said he would. The insurance guy said he’d dog it … 3 months later I had to cancel the ENTIRE policy, leaving mom’s car (which is not being driven except when I fly into town and need wheels) and it cost the $330 … and she has no car insurance right now. I plan to sell the car as soon as I get the guardianship.</p></li>
<li><p>Waaay Back in October when Mom was in rehab for her knee replacement, the nurses and OT’s told me that it wasn’t good when handyman was there as he got her upset. The social services person even said bluntly “Watch out for that guy”… but I said, “Oh he is OK he has helped Mom for years.” I didn’t take steps.</p></li>
<li><p>In Jan (well after he knew that she was demented and never coming home again) he took her to the bank and $10000 disappeared. Mom has no idea where it might have gone although she does recollect going to the bank.</p></li>
<li><p>Recently handyman and the renter next door cooked up a lie that the guy next door prepaid his rent for 6 months (aside, we have by now fired handyman and are trying to evict him from his free rent house) … So Mom will have lost the $6300 rent. I called the sheriff who said that handyman said Mom told him to do that and he took a vacation on it.
DH (who told me to fire handyman in NOV said “told you so”) </p></li>
<li><p>When we moved Mom into AL place, they recommended I get the conservatorship and guardianship kicked off. I thought I didn’t need it because I have power of attorney and it was working to conduct MOST of her business. BUT when Mom learned I fired handyman, she wanted to cancel my POA, get out of jail and … I shudder to think. Anyway AL place DID come through and stop her until I could get to town.
Now it has been two weeks since I applied for the EMERGENCY guardianship and it still isn’t processed. It also takes at least a month after it is submitted to get the permanent guardianship. … sure wish I HAD bit the bullet in November… although to be fair, Mom has gone down hill really fast mentally. Perhaps in November I would NOT have been granted it and now it is a slam dunk. We have the documentation from staff and the blanks in her mind that help the case even while they break my heart. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>SO my advice it to listen to YOUR gut and YOUR advice and don’t bother playing nice with dicey people. I don’t want to say no good deed goes unpunished, but that is what two people did recently.</p>
<p>Esobay- what a list of tribulations. Glad you are able to get this sorted out. Where there is vulnerability, there is often someone there to exploit it. </p>
<p>Wishing you smooth sailing going forward. My hair got whiter just reading this. Hope you are able to take good care of yourself.</p>
<p>Thanks, travelnut. My hair was already really really white.</p>
<p>I guess I wandered from the point that I’d meant to make sooner. Which was to go ahead and get all legal things taken care of ASAP because it takes so very long for the wheels to grind. And the other journey is the LTC insurance. I am appealing, but it is not very willing to pay. </p>
<p>Notebooks are your friend because I am losing track of days. When did I fire handyman etc etc etc. </p>
<p>DH never did like Mom so he is kind of annoyed that this is such a time and energy drain. But overall, he is more supportive that I was worried about. He is a good guy. My bro, too, is a good guy, but moves really slowly.</p>
<p>Oh good grief, eso, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all of that. If it’s any comfort, once you get all the systems and legal stuff into place (which does take more time than it should), and once you get the right people into her life and the wrong people out of it, it will get easier. In the meantime, hugs and hang in there.</p>
<p>Your litany reminds me of the reasoning behind one of my mottos: “If I wouldn’t trust a baby to make this decision/talk to this person/have access to this money or legal power – then I can’t trust Mom and Dad to.” They really are that incapable of making smart decisions or remembering anything. Once I understood and accepted that, it made things a little easier for me.</p>
<p>Just quoting for emphasis:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>So so so so true! Personally, I had to learn it the hard way too.</p>
<p>Eso- sending wishes your way, hoping things will smooth out.</p>
<p>After reading Eso’s trials and tribulations, I guess I have some questions. Mom was placed in a rehab/nursing home after her ordeal. After one month of PT and OT, the diagnosis is that she is not making ANY progress in either PT or OT so both have been stopped and the recommendation was for her to move to a nursing home, which at the time the place she was in had zero openings. Luckily (sadly) 2 weeks later there was an opening and she is now in the nursing home long term care wing.</p>
<p>Should I get a conservator-ship or guardianship while she is there? She doesn’t own any property other than her car and her bank account but I am already a co-owner of both. My sister and brother are 3000 miles away and won’t have a problem with this.</p>
<p>Is there anything else I’m missing now that she’s in long term care? Just when I think I have a handle on things, new things pop up.</p>
<p>ChuckleD … I would go ahead and get the guardianship as she is moved. You will have a lot more authority to make choices if you have that. Some people respond to that more than the advance care directive or the medical power of attorney (both of which I have, but it won’t keep her locked in if she wants to go “home”).</p>
<p>The guardianship protects the person, that is, the body. You get to make choices about where she lives for example.</p>
<p>Edit to add The conservatorship protects the property, not the person, so deals with checking accounts or houses. Even if I had control of where she could live, she could still block the sale of her car for example.</p>
<p>If she doesn’t own anything (what about social security checks?) then maybe the conservatorship is not needed. My Mom needs it because she does own property and actually mostly I need it for the social security checks. I wanted them deposited in an account that she couldn’t get to to give to the handyman and my power of attorney didn’t work for that change. Supposedly, the reporting for the guardianship is not that great, but of course you have to pay an attorney to file it properly and all that.</p>
<p>OK, here’s another question for the wise and wonderful people on the “been there, done that” thread…aka- the sandwich generation.</p>
<p>I was at the library yesterday telling all of mom’s quilt friends about her situation, hoping that some of them would go visit her in the nursing home since she is bed bound. One of the ladies said that we could bring mom home under hospice care and she would get the same if not better treatment at home.</p>
<p>I thought hospice was for terminally ill with 6 months to live, so I did some research and found out that it wasn’t necessarily 6 months but more than that has to be approved. Has anyone done this? Mom wants to come home, I don’t blame her but it’s impossible for us to take care of her 24 hours a day. She needs help with everything except eating. She can still manage (barely) to lift a fork/spoon and feed herself. Her dementia is getting worse, sometimes she doesn’t know who we are and other times, she’s with it.</p>
<p>Any ideas on how to ask about this? And does medicare or medicaid pay for this type thing as mom doesn’t have any other insurance or money.</p>
<p>thanks again for your help and support, you guys are the best.</p>
<p>candy</p>
<p>It is up to the doc to say whether a patient is appropriate for hospice. Have heard of folks who did get hospice extended after 6 months. It’s best to clarify BEFORE you make changes. Mom’s doc can say whether he will recommend Hospice or not. That would be the place to start.</p>
<p>Hospice care at home may not include 24 hour care. Please check carefully. Sometimes it is a periodic nurse visit, with home health care only a few hours a week.</p>
<p>I think hospice varies by location and state so YMMV. Our insurance guy whose mom was in the same place as my mom for 14 years, right before Christmas, they had hospice take over. His mom was getting a lot weaker and not able to eat much. Hospice was allowed to take her off all the meds, which Dr.s can’t seem to allow. His mom had a brief bump up, they think from getting off some of the “calming” meds, but then went downhill very fast. that is all I know about hospice for old people. Hospice for cancer was there just at the end for my sister and just at the end for my dads wife. But in both of those instances it was nowhere near 24 hr care. More like drop in frequently and say nice things to the family…
As I said, YMMV.</p>
<p>Edit to add…STILL waiting on the emergency guardianship. The al place did NOT go in with mom to the pacemaker check on Thursday despite my telling then at the last care conference that it was necessary and despite my calling that morning and saying she needed an escort. On Friday the nurse said she,d find out if Mom even got there … No call back yet. But Mom insists she didn’t go to it. I wouldn’t be surprised that she got dropped off at the door of the hospital and sat in the lounge until they came to get her. Or maybe she got checked in and checked ou ok… Who knows. I grind my teeth about crud like that!!! Some one needs to know!!!</p>
<p>Eso, Denise and HiMom… thanks for the advice. That was the idea- double check before we start anything. If we can’t get the same type care then it will be a no-go. It just breaks my heart to see her in the nursing home. She’s so lost and even though I have asked the nurses to get her out of bed and in her wheelchair daily, I don’t think it happens every day. Plus the dementia appears to be getting worse even though it has only been 2 weeks since she was moved to the long term care side.</p>
<p>I will start calling around on Monday to social services and the area aging dept to see what they can offer in the way of help and advice. I will also talk to the social service provider at the home, she may be able to help too. In the meantime, I’m going to tell my brother and sister to start thinking about early June as a time to visit. That should give enough time to find a cheap ticket. I’m sure I’ll have to help my brother as he lives on his SSI of $840 per month. We’ll see.</p>
<p>I’ll keep you posted on what everyone says about hospice and level of care.</p>
<p>My DH who is pretty danged realistic about most everything is still in denial about his mother. He needs to get all the paperwork done to take over. She just gets upset about every and anything when he tries to explain anything to her and had a cataplexy attack when he got her to sign the tax forms. She just doesn’t comprehend. But he’s not home that much with her, and she can still carry a decent conversation for about 10-15 minutes.</p>
<p>Hello all!</p>
<p>I have been paddling furiously just to stay on top of things in my life so I haven’t been posting much at all on CC. Just want to say big hugs to my fellow caretakers. Until you have been in this role, you really don’t know how draining it is. </p>
<p>As many of you know, I was responsible for five seniors. My dad and my “second” dad died in the past six months leaving my mom in AL (moderate dementia, doing okay) and my “second” mom (rapidly changing cognition) in her home. AT the moment, there are no crises, but just an unending string of responsibilities. </p>
<p>Anyway - off to help my 88 yr. old mother-in-law pack her things. She is moving to an independent living apartment this week. She is actually very healthy, but as I have learned that can change in a flash. </p>
<p>Best to all.</p>