<p>Ouch LasMa but it’s not because he doesn’t care. I find with my folks, they can appreciate who is there at that point of time. Honestly, there is about 7 years of memory that is totally gone and about 20-25 years of memory that is mostly gone. My Dad consistently remembers my daughter’s LAC (Williams) because it is a big deal where he grew up in CT, but may not remember my niece’s top 5 LAC. I suspect if your daughter came with pictures and talked about her education and opportunities he could have some valuable “in the moment” time with her as he did with your nephew. There is no way my Dad can remember a school that he just heard of in the past 4 years. Certainly not because it’s not worth remembering, but because he can’t. Of course that is frustrating to him and he is happy to remember where at least one grandchild went and may repeat it over and over while always asking where the other went.</p>
<p>Oh, LasMa, I’m sorry. Such a cruel and painful disease.</p>
<p>Congrats to your D for her hard work. May she be successful and happy in her future. And if your dad regularly asks you “where is L?”, please know that he does indeed find her worth remembering.</p>
<p>Lasma,</p>
<p>This will be over in a few months. When your D got into Harvard Graduate school that will be talk of the table and Georgetown will be left behind, don’t worry about it.</p>
<p>CCOB … I am really sorry, that is tough.</p>
<p>LasMa, I am glad you could have a pity party here. It is a long long road of grief. I am glad you got advice to look at it in another way, but your feelings at the time were your feelings . Hope your logical side can get you over some of the emotional pain.</p>
<p>yaupon, welcome! I, too, need an outlet as H and friends are sick of it and it goes on and on and on. There is a lot of good advice here for sure, but just venting is the better part of it for me.</p>
<p>I had been gone, dealing with troubles in Mom’s town. It is reaching a crescendo with her handyman, his thefts, his friends non payment of rent, and Mom’s guardianship/conservatorship. Hope I can stagger out after the month of June.</p>
<p>On little “got’cha” with the POA… they are revokable. So if Mom saw the checks I wrote OR that we packed the silver to sell, she’d cancel it in a heartbeat. There is always some creep willing to “befriend” a confused woman and take her to the bank/lawyer, or whatever. We think we will get the guardianship next week. Then she can fight THAT, but it is a lot harder than canceling a POA. The court visitor’s report was sad reading, but a good summary. </p>
<p>People plan, gods laugh. sigh.</p>
<p>Eso- sending a hug of support your way. </p>
<p>LasMa- it does hurt when a grandparent doesn’t acknowledge one of your children. I get that from MIL/FIL and they don’t have the excuse of being old/dementia- we just don’t live near them so they don’t remember anything of my kids both EVERYTHING of their other 2 granddaughters.</p>
<p>CCOB- keep us posted - hopefully your mom will come to her senses.</p>
<p>yaupon- welcome to the crazy train! If you aren’t crazy now, you may be in a little bit. ;)</p>
<p>Back at home & computer after a long drive back from BIL’s funeral and all the laundry that awaited me. Thanks for everyone’s support.</p>
<p>I got my brother to run interference for me and he was able to persuade my mom not to give notice at least for I dunno, a week? She will listen to him more than me, to the extent that she will listen to anyone. It turns out that one of her big objections to her current place is that too many Republicans are residents there and that they diss the Affordable Care Act (aka ObamaCare). I live in a more liberal area, but she disses my community. . .</p>
<p>So. . . .Has anyone heard that objection before? Or know of a senior residence in Nor Cal filled with lefties/liberals, preferably including quite a few people of color? And, umm, in the suburbs?</p>
<p>Old folks love to diss Obamacare! The whole not wanting the government to mess with their Medicare conundrum. My very Republican parents are moving to the most liberal area in North Carolina and I’m concerned that they will feel marginalized. I’ve been warning them that they will have to put up with liberal politics and drive a Prius. So, the retirement centers in my area that are liberal are near Duke and UNC. They are full of retired academics. I would find a center near a top University.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone, I’m over it now. It just hit me wrong, Dad forgetting my D and her school at the same time he was rhapsodizing over Nephew and his school. You’re right, GTAlum, he never heard of Earlham College until 4 years ago, which makes it short-term memory of which he has none. I’m still kind of scratching my head about his not recognizing D in pictures and yeah, eso, that does kind of hurt. But I’m trying to place this firmly into the not-taking-it-personally column.</p>
<p>Good for you, LasMa. Not a pleasant thing to witness, but these are just the kind of things that really go south with memory loss. Additionally, as you say, many aspects of aging fit in to the don’t take it personally column and it is great to role model understanding of this for our kids. We don’t want them to misunderstand. </p>
<p>I think it is one of the most poignant aspects of the aging process when family events are not able to be appreciated the way they would have been at another moment in time. </p>
<p>CCsO- Does this issue fit with who your mother has always been? Is it a red herring? Is she with it enough to see if there are ways to participate with others in relevant activities, start or join a current events group, etc.? Might the staff have away to foster an opportunity for her to get to know similarly minded people? Also, when bargaining about giving notice, it would seem like having a mutually workable next step in place is a great criteria. I do recognize that this is a likely a moving target right now. </p>
<p>Best to all.</p>
<p>The last time we visited my FIL as a family I warned my teenage boys that Grandpa might not recognize them. They were furious with me. Then they got on the elevator with him and he said, “and who do you handsome young men belong to?” I tried not to say I told you so. I was glad I had warned them.</p>
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<p>Your daughter as an adult is a relatively recent event!</p>
<p>DH and I flew east for a memorial service for his uncle last weekend. It was in the Quaker Meeting house where aunt & uncle had attended for the past 50 years. It was lovely, my first Meeting and so touching to hear people sharing their stories in this setting.</p>
<p>I spoke with my elderly friend last week and she was irate that someone had come into her room in the memory care unit in the middle of the night and started writing on her stomach. Huh? I couldn’t figure that out. Mystery solved when I visited her yesterday on my way back to the west coast. The caregivers write their names and the time on the residents’ Depends in order to keep track of who changed who when. What struck me as bizarre was that they’d do the writing with the Depends ON the residents. I suggested to the caregiver that she write on the diaper BEFORE she put it on. She thought that was a good idea. I also spoke with the director about this and she assured me that all caregivers would be told to stop writing on the residents’ stomachs. Honestly, has common sense gone out the window?</p>
<p>What!?! Good for you vballmom for making a positive suggestion.</p>
<p>vballmom- Funny how nonsense can get institutionalized until someone with a fresh perspective notices. Yes, common sense is getting rarer. Good deed for the day!</p>
<p>They are fortunate that the patients didn’t get too agitated and sick them. I’d be upset if someone who is supposed to care for me woke me by apparently writing on my tummy. Argh! Glad you stopped this dehumanizing process.</p>
<p>Well, apparently my mom gave notice at the senior residence on Monday. My brother was not able to convince her that a 30 day notice can be given in the middle of the month and payment will be prorated. Today, I’ve been trying my best to remember to breathe; I keep finding myself holding my breath. Due to the waiting list at this place, she can’t extend her 30 days. I have a professional conference to attend at the end of June, not that I want to help her move out after giving up three entire weekends this past February getting her moved in. </p>
<p>I think she has this fantasy of living in her house in the way she did twenty years ago when she cooked, drove, paid her bills with regularity, could arrange mail stoppage and forwarding, etc. DH, who is disgusted with it all, is suggesting tough love. (But he will have to deal with the same issues when his aunt moves out of his mom’s place in a few months since my MIL can’t do much of anything now either and doesn’t want anyone else living there.)</p>
<p>At first, I was going to ask about tough love for an adolescent, but I think developmentally this is more like a ten year old going on toddlerhood. 
Would they really learn after falling flat on their face? </p>
<p>My mom is supposed to be honored at a conference across the country in late July. My brother has the fantasy that she will leave early, have someone else handle the move, and then have her stay out there or at least stay out there until another place has been arranged. I doubt she will agree to that since she is such a control freak. So three weeks of falling on her face until the conference? Even packing for the conference would overwhelm her. What a nightmare. . . .</p>
<p>vball - I’m a Quaker and I do think Quaker memorial services are the best. Such richness with so many voices remembering the departed.</p>
<p>CCsiteObsessed, ten going on toddlerhood is spot-on. (Neither of which are one’s best age.)</p>
<p>Taking deep breaths for you!</p>
<p>CCsite, can you and your brother tell the senior residence management that you don’t intend to help her move? If she doesn’t manage to move herself, they really can’t give away her space. I’m sorry she’s putting you through this, it sounds so painful.</p>
<p>CCSO, I’m also dealing with a control freak. Intellectually sound, able to manage her own affairs. 85, but unable to shed her “wounded child.” I’m also ready to throw up my hands. After many years of doing the right thing because it IS the right thing and a good example for the young’uns, this peaked during our own crisis, when my mother decided, again, that it’s all about her, her needs and wants. After the unpleasantness, this too often takes the form of shutting us off. </p>
<p>Many times over the years, I’ve paraphrased the line from Dangerous Liaisons: it’s beyond my control. Best wishes to all who try to do the right thing.</p>