I think you did things just right @BerneseMtnMom .I hope it helped.
I’m glad you were able to get some closure @BerneseMtnMom. If we weren’t scattered all over the US we would have had a small, responsible, gathering too.
@BerneseMtnMom it sounds perfect!!
BerneseMtnMom and others, your stories touch me. I am in possession of ashes and the deceased and I were very close and discussed what his wishes were. I’d like to do the deed alone but another family member wants family and friends to be there (I have not mentioned I want to do it alone). I think now it would be selfish of me not to include others. How do people scatter remains? Do you give everyone a cup full and they say words and scatter or one person does it? What’s to keep someone from going back and scooping some up to take home?
@momoffour , I think there is no right or wrong to sharing the scattering of ashes. When we had a small outdoor ceremony scattering my grandmother’s ashes, we each took a handful (it felt more intimate than a cup, though a cup was available and we had a choice) and we each said something before we let the ashes go. There were a lot of ashes left and my uncle said some final words and dumped the rest of the box.
My own personal opinion of someone coming back and taking a handful of ashes is, the loved one isn’t really there, it’s just calcium and other minerals, so in the long run it doesn’t matter. If it brings them comfort, so be it.
It should probably be noted, there are some places where the scattering of ashes is technically illegal. So I wouldn’t draw too much attention to the ceremony if in one of those places.
@BerneseMtnMom it sounds like absolutely a lovely and safe ceremony!
@calla1 apparently it’s a huge problem at Disneyland, people want to scatter ashes there and it’s not allowed, but it totally happens, subtly. Weird.
A lot of public places allow scattering ashes. As long as they don’t disallow it. Again, you need to research your state or community. We scattered my grandmother’s at a beach we used to frequent with her. But no one around. Watch out for wind.
If someone wants some, why not just give them a little?
My condolences also, to all of you enduring losses. Treasure memories.
Definitely watch out for the wind.
We scattered some of my in-laws’ ashes at a park they enjoyed last year, but my husband wants to scatter some at their childhood homes (neither of which are still in the family), some at the home where they raised their children, and some at a lake three states away. I am not trying to dissuade him, as I think it unlikely he’ll actually do this, but it sounds emotionally exhausting. His parents expressed various wishes during their lifetimes but did not leave final instructions (or a valid will, but that’s another story).
He was an attentive and devoted son, so it’s not like he’s trying to make amends for having neglected them. I know we all process grief differently, but between you CC friends and me, it seems a little odd.
We appear to have dodged a bullet this week. My in-laws are incredibly healthy 90 year olds. They both are very fit, Drive, live independently, etc… MIL had a shoulder replacement surgery two weeks ago.She came home the same day and felt great. But then a few days later had stomach pain and lost her appetite. Sunday FIL found her on the floor, the paramedics took her to the ER, she was admitted, the next day she had surgery for a GI bleed. It has been difficult because no one is allowed to be with her in the hospital. But she is eating and feels good and hopes yo be released soon. They are so cute they are not used to being apart and miss each other terribly.
I wish my siblings could spend a night like tonight with me and my mom. They have no idea what it’s like to deal with sundowning, or anything else, for that matter.
She got it in her head that she might catch fire and she thought I wasn’t appropriately worried about it, so I’m a horrible, terrible person. She was agitated and crying and nothing I could say or do would change her mind or distract her mind. This went on for a good hour and a half. She was sitting at the kitchen table, literally drinking juice. That’s it.
I finally got her to bed, and now I’ll sit here for an hour trying to calm myself down.
Dementia is cruel and unpredictable and exhausting.
@tx5athome is there a connection between the surgery and the GI bleed? NSAIDS for pain? Hope this is a passing problem and all returns to normal.
@psychmomma so sorry. And I know what you mean about wishing siblings could witness what you are dealing with. A lack of understanding from siblings only compounds the stress for a caregiver as dedicated as you.
Thanks for feedback regarding scattering ashes. Good to know about the wind. As far as people taking some of them home, that’s akin to someone coming to a viewing, pulling out scissors and taking hair to me. I don’t want it to happen.
I thought I’d give everyone an update on my parents since I come here to vent so often . . .Mom is in a geriatric behavioral unit (aka psych ward) of the hospital so we can hopefully find a med that reduces or eliminates the aggression, agitation, and anxiety of her situation/dementia. I have been happy with my conversations with the nurses and staff. I talked to mom once and she basically kept saying she just wants to see someone she is familiar with, which is heart-breaking and I think she would probably say it without dementia, as it must be awful to be in the hospital with no visitors.
Dad is still in Memory Care and has not asked about where mom is. So that tells me he is declining cognitively too. I really wish I could see him in person to finish interviewing him about his career 
It is hard to do over the phone.
I am 50-50 that I will have to move them again to a dementia only facility. Apparently “aging in place” only is accurate if you age in a certain manner (sorry if I am repeating myself).
Meeting with an elder care attorney this week to make sure things are in order and to see how we can pay for a dementia care place. Mom and dad would be horrified to know how much it costs to maintain their safety. I can definitely see how dementia diseases cost so much money and people spend 80% of their healthcare costs in the last few years of their life. @psychmomma I give you a standing ovation for being able to house your mom with dementia. It is so emotionally draining just talking on the phone or visiting with them, having to dance around questions of where their parents are or when is (deceased friend) going to visit? To say nothing of the rumination and repetition of the same question over and over and over. . .
@surfcity - I hope the meds help your mom and you can find a safe and affordable option for your parents. Hugs to you!
@surfcity - Your hands are definitely full caring for two parents. I hope you can find a safe, caring environment for your parents.
@surfcity
I am glad your Mom is being evaluated in a place you feel good about, how sad and scary those episodes must have been for all concerned.
It does cost an incredible amount, my in laws went through so much paying for care (5 digits monthly) and I participated in actual care as well as planning and coping with the issues along the way. I do not want my assets to go to that sort of thing, it feels like such a waste, and yet, what are we supposed to do? It became obvious when my mother repeatedly asked to die, and my husband to shoot her, that we are not prepared to go suicidal, but wow, I really don’t want to go through all that! I don’t know what the answer is.
We were able to gather for a very small grave side service for my mom this weekend, even though one sister had to fly to get there. We decided to take the health risk of travel rather than putting the grieving process in limbo. We all think she died this month instead of next year or the next because of the loneliness and isolation of Covid shut-downs. And we all have to decide what risks to take, and when and why to take them. Other families will have different challenges and have to make different decisions.
My deepest appreciation for all the comfort and support from the devoted caregivers here. I’ll keep coming back as I can face it, because it’s not getting easier for those of you still on the journey.
@MomofJandL So sorry for your loss. My best to you and your family.
My only sister and I were on hour 8 of 9 driving to see my aunt who has stage 4 pancreatic cancer (she feels fairly good at the moment and we wanted to see her when she was feeling good) and my dads facility (Memory Care) called to say he fainted and was taken to the hospital. The ER doctor says he has sepsis. He is DNR and the Internist is recommending comfort care only (IV hydration but no antibiotics). He says with his current quality of life (severe dementia) if we aggressively treat he will just be back in a couple months and an infection isn’t a bad way to go. It could be 3hours, 3 days or maybe 3 weeks. I have not left my home area for months!!! The earliest I can get back is Monday. I feel bad, but honestly I said my goodbyes a long time ago.