I’ve been meaning to mention this idea for paper work …
I worked for a school that had a change of leadership, and the new director wanted a lot of the old files gone. I called one of those mobile shredding places and was surprised how inexpensive it was. They pull up and allow you to watch them shred whatever you give them. Amazingly easy process.
When my brother died, we discovered that he hadn’t filed tax returns for quite awhile. One of my other brothers took care of it, and it wasn’t easy - but he actually found that the IRS was very helpful when he had questions.
I found that my local IRS office was much more responsive than the federal office.
I was the one who mentioned how angry and frustrated my mother was with my father when he was ill with the glioblastoma. As I said, it wasn’t his fault, but, in the moment, my mother would get so frustrated. One thing my parents resisted was hospice care. My father thought that accepting it was giving up. He wanted to fight until the end, and that was exhausting and devastating for everyone. That is my one big regret, so I’m glad your family is going to use it. I wish you comfort and peace.
I am honestly not sure if my 92 year old father has been filing his taxes. I know he did pre-pandemic. His current elder care lawyer says not to worry My father’s basically broke and there is nothing for the state or the IRS to chase after. Plus, he has not had any significant income (only getting SS) in many years. I know he filed when he sold his house and declared that big income at the time (which ended up being under the taxable threshold).
I wish people knew that you can get hospice services for a long time, if you meet certain criteria, which do not include imminent death. And you can be on hospice multiple times. My mother was on and off. It is a free way to get services. And you can still get diagnosis and treatment for anything other than your actual hospice diagnosis. The support is so helpful.
@snowball I am so glad you have this help. The medication “kit” will help with some of the behaviors you describe.
My mother was not required to file an income tax return the last 10 years she was alive…because her total income was below a certain threshold. So check to be sure your parent actually needed to file before you panic.
Today my sister sent me a disturbing picture of my mom. She had red coloring all over her face. She said that mom was like that when she got there (my SIL had been with her). They don’t know what it is. And they found Dawn dripped on the carpet. Why was it outside the kitchen?
Not asking anything, just wanted to vent and am wondering whether SIL is actually watching her.
My sympathy and empathy. Hopefully your SIL will explain what happened.
Was it food coloring?
I don’t think so. She’s gotten things confused before – washing her hair with lotion, refilling the bottle of Dawn with Windex – but they couldn’t tell what was on her face, which I’m sure she thought was moisturizer.
I just feel dispirited. What are they doing? I feel like keeping her out of a facility is about what’s best for them and not what’s best for her. They want her close, but they don’t want to have to actually care for her. I know my SIL is seeing a cardiologist about some health issue, but she doesn’t talk to us about the specific issues. I’m told that she sleeps a lot during the day. This is taking a toll on everyone but not everyone will admit it.
@snowball, sending you a MiSheberach for the healing and renewal of your spirit as you navigate this difficult path. We are here when you need to vent, cry, or just breathe.
@Youdon_tsay has anyone looked at a memory care facility. I really liked a facility called Artis, which is memory care only. I felt the facilities that were dedicated to memory care only (not part of a facility with assisted living) were best. The residents themselves were often happier than when they were still home, it seemed, from talking with people.
What if she used something dangerous on her face, thinking it was something else?
It sounds like you have little say in what happens. I can’t imagine how hard that is.
Ugh, so tough. The husband of my close friend (my age) with Alzheimer’s retired a few months ago and is her full time caregiver for now. I don’t think the situation can continue much longer. We saw them a few weeks ago and she’s to the point she struggles to put a sentence together. A lot of nonsense syllables. 
She was a journalism major and so articulate.
@Youdon_tsay, do you think that if you offered to do the legwork, finding a home for your mom that is safer than her living alone, it might help persuade your loved ones who live nearby? I know that when I was in the thick of it with my dad and stepmother, I was way too overwhelmed to do much legwork.
@snowball hugs. I know my sad tale of cleaning out Mom’s house when we moved her to AL is in the archives somewhere. Suffice it to say that when we got down to the little cards that come on funeral flowers for my grandad (who died in 1965… Mom moved into Grandma’s house and just put her stuff on top; both were semi hoarders Mom died in 2017) we knew we were near the bottom. DH hauled literal TONS of trash to the dump as evidenced by the tare costs. We also hired an estate group who organized garage sales to get rid of the clothes (again, Grandad’s were still there) and a big sale to get rid of the 10 sets of china (AFTER the grandaughters took what they wanted) china has no value right now so I am glad your DH let it go.
YDS … many hugs to you too. My grandma did things like that… ate her denture tablets one day! Which is why my mom moved in with her. I couldn’t do it for mom though; she had to go to assisted living then memory care. It was better for all of us.
Someone always is with her. In theory, she’s never alone.
My SIL is going out of town next week and told my sister to use the service for one day that my SIL signed us up for but that my sister has been reluctant to use. She simply doesn’t want anyone else in the house but doesn’t want to do it all either. If she won’t bring someone in for a few hours while my brother is working at the house, I won’t be able to talk my sister into moving her into memory care. I did, however, just look at memory-care places near her online so I can be prepared if things really go south. Thanks for the suggestion.
My sister’s MIL seems to have settled in well at the facility her husband is in. It was the FIL’s birthday on Saturday. Apparently, the facility has a budget to grant wishes. One 90-year-old wanted to go skydiving and they arranged it. My BIL asked for a big birthday party. His dad was manager of a TV station in Indianapolis and a lot of his co-workers, from many years ago, came - some were from other states. The FIL just loved it and was so happy. 
He has stage 4 cancer, so everyone was glad he could enjoy himself.
I’m really thrilled for my sweet BIL - it’s been a long haul and it seems like his parents are finally in a good place, physically and mentally.
I loved reading this so much!
For those of you who have relocated an elder who is not experiencing a health crisis – any suggestions about approach? My sibs and I are getting worried about Mom being alone, but the available assisted living really is not great plus she doesn’t need healthcare, she needs stuff like help with the phone, bills, groceries… Finding a live-in is not really an option either.
So we’d like to try having her stay with me for a month as a first step towards helping her decide what to do — but she just can’t think in any terms but “I am a burden, I need to stay in the house until I have a crisis or die”. We have tons of room, and she wouldn’t be staying permanently at this point.