Wonderful that dad was able to stay and home with everyone pitching in and whatever outside help was needed.
The loss of a parent does affect one - even as you say ‘not unexpected’ at his age and the signs of decline and then rapid decline.
My husband lost his dad (age 92) one year ago, and coming March it will be one year ago with the loss of his mother (age 92).
I think about my parents every day - dad died in 1995 (age 64, cancer) and mom died in 2010 (age 77, dementia).
How deeply loved, deep is the grief and feeling of loss. Prayers for your family as you travel through these early months of his death, and the holidays/New Year without him.
My friend’s husband went to the dentist today, collapsed and had to be taken to the ER. they spent the day at the ER and finally admitted him about 9 pm tonight. He’s about 73 I think, a little older than my friend, and they think it was caused by an infected tooth. Why am I posting on this thread? His mother, who will be 99 in Jan. was left alone all day. She has caretakers who come in a few times a week (but I don’t think on Wed) and she can feed herself light meals, but panics if no one comes for a while. Friend was able to contact a niece who can take care of grandmother and I also have a key to both friend’s house and MIL’s house (next door).
Thankfully your friend’s husband has the IV antibiotics to assist in his recovery. Most areas have Infectious Disease MDs that can treat (or ENT MDs that helped my DD at college who had deep strep infection, which was highly unusual for a young healthy person to have). Hopefully it will all go well. My dad’s sister died very young of the results of a tooth infection - it entered her bloodstream and at the time not proper antibiotics to turn it around. She had 3 young children (this happened in the early 1960’s).
Glad others were able to step in to help with 98/99 YO lady being seen at her home.
Called 911 twice in the last couple of days. First time because my Dad fell and couldn’t get off the floor (even with four of us trying to help), and today because we thought he was having a heart attack. He wasn’t, but I think he might be permanently bedridden. My mom thinks it would be too traumatic to move him, take him to the hospital or a nursing home, so I guess this is it. He could be like this for days or years, I suppose.
Visiting Angels will hopefully be coming over on Monday, it sounds like they do both nursing care and hospice. I’m drained, exhausted and depressed. I don’t know how my Mom keeps doing this.
Well, Dad made it to his chair in the living room somehow, and has been sitting/sleeping in it for two days (same diaper) refusing to move. You can’t move a 165-170 pound guy if he doesn’t want to go. I’ve realized that he has late stage dementia, worse than I thought. I don’t know if we call the poor guys at the fire dept once again to put him in his bed, or ask them to take him to the hospital. My mom is certain that he would be very traumatized by going to the hospital, and I don’t think they could do much for him. But we haven’t checked out any nursing homes or other options, since this has happened fairly quickly. And now he won’t move.
Any ideas? The social worker at the VA has ignored my calls. The fire dept suggested adult protective services, but that looks to me like you call them if someone has been abused, and good Lord, that sure hasn’t happened!
I’m so sorry. I guess if it were me, and he doesn’t move soon, I would call adult protective services. It’s not a reflection on his family, but on him. He needs help and is not getting it now, due to him, not you. Are the Visiting Angels still coming over today?
I would call the non emergency rescue crew and have him taken to the hospital for evaluation. Then social services can help you and your mom make the best decisions for care. The rescue crews are there to help.
To me the problem isn’t so much your father, but convincing your mother that she has to accept help. She needs to come to the realization that there is nothing more she can do.
I wish you luck and if you have any siblings involved, I would get them to help you.
I think it’s hard to get a person (your mom) to realize that their spouse is no longer able to decide what’s best for them. Or their protests about going to the hospital or a care facility
I hope I’m not jumping in here rudely. I’ve been a lurker on CC for several years while DS20 was applying to college and now I’m here for my DS22.
My mom died unexpectedly last Thursday at 83 years old. She had a heart attack and died in the ambulance. I don’t think she knew what happened, which is a blessing. My brothers and I are left with my 84 year old dad who is in shock. He has limited mobility, but luckily he is cognitively well. She took care of him. My two brothers and I live nearby, but this is going to be so hard. We have to get through the funeral on the 14th, and then I don’t know what we will do. I have to get him out of that house. It is so unsafe.
They didn’t plan for anything. I tried for so long to get them to do anything, but I gave up to keep the peace. This is going to be so hard.
No, not rude at all for jumping in here. We are here to help navigating these things. To me, it’s not only for those frequent posters but all who want support.
I am so sorry about your mom’s unexpected passing.
Welcome, @runner8x8. I can relate - I lost my mom unexpectedly in July, two months short of her 83rd birthday and my dad is 84. Just take one day at a time and go easy on yourself. I don’t think I have processed my mom’s death yet.
It has been a problem getting my Mom to realize this, but she acknowledged it last night. It was a big step for her, and the Visiting Angels lady is coming over today (cancelled twice already because of snow), we are hoping she can give some guidance and reinforce the reality that he needs to go elsewhere. My Mom is hoping that she can go to the hospital or wherever he ends up at.
It’s such a hard thing to deal with. Has your mother in law deferred to your father in law during their marriage? My Mil was the dominant one. When fil needed help and asked to be left alone, Mil said, forget it, and called an ambulance. Years later when she needed help, she refused. After years of telling everyone what to do, it was hard to change the dynamic, but one of the children in law said, this is unsafe and called an ambulance. It sounds like your Mil will need reassurance that getting help is a good thing. Visiting angels is a good first step, but don’t hesitate to have the medics take him for evaluation. Please keep us posted
Remaining in a wet diaper for prolonged period of time and not cooperating - that is where one takes the wife aside and calmly steps her through her ideas and what is best for his care. Hopefully the additional outside help coming can get things moving to hospital/evaluation and more social services involvement.
And to say a child in law called 911 is not to disparage the kids who were very involved kids, but rather to point out how hard it can be to change relationship patterns. The adult kids were used to deferring to mom which made it hard to go against her wish to be left alone in bed.
Yes, my mom had deferred to my dad throughout the relationship, though she is a very strong woman. Even through the dementia she has deferred to him. I am going over there soon, I think we’re going to try to change his diaper in the chair, if he won’t move.
Besides a rash, if he is unable to move for prolonged periods he will get pressure sores which can easily become infected. I am not trying to add to your stress, but you need to take charge.
