@greenbutton, this is so hard!
Is there any way for you and sibs to convene just this once, on site, to meet and strategize, then present a united front to parents?
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We have a zoom scheduled for when I am home, hoping that the preferred sibling (1 hr away) can present the options that neutral sibing (15 minutes away, but with life issues of their own to manage) can trust-but-verify for us.
Her distaste for having me around has at least made her consider the options several non family people have presented her for driving back and forth. So thatâs a win for Team Mom Stop It
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@greenbutton it sounds like they are in the midst of that slippery slope time of life- not truly, actually, competent, yet not so bad someone could get guardianship (as if youâd even want to go that way!) Not real functional adults, but theyâve spent a lifetime being adults in charge of themselves and no one seems willing to relinquish, or even admit the need, for outside help.
Start of dementia? Just aging and too tired to try harder?
Itâs so difficult to know the right thing to do. My in laws had live in help for many years and we kept getting calls from their friends saying their house was too much for them and it was time to move, but they fought us until the bitter (and I mean bitter) end. So many family meetings, discussions, etc. So many âhelpfulâ solutions set up by us and cancelled by them.
In our case, the time FIL finally gave up was when a family meeting happened, he was told this set up is unsafe, you are going to see this consequence on this day of the week, and a couple of weeks later that exact injury happened, he was so shamed that he went along with us, just long enough to move him out of his home. Sadly, had he been cooperative in small things, they could have remained in their home with more help, but he was a man of no compromise.
This time of life is so difficult
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Hard times. Itâs hard getting teens and toddlers in line but parents are the worst!
My best ploy that worked was âI know you donât want to do it. (Or stop doing it). I get that. But you HAVE to do it for ME. I CAN NOT TAKE CARE OF YOU 24/7 (as much as Iâd like to). ONE slip and fall, one driving accident etc. etc. will be a nightmare that neither one of us can handle. I (emphasis on capital I) NEED you healthy. Do it for ME if not for yourself.â Fortunately that hits the parent gene sometimesâŠ(and also was the absolute truth in reality).
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The benefits of living in small town WI.
Also in our area of Alabama where the volunteers (often retirees or other people with big hearts) get to know the clients and encourage them to eat to stay strong and in their more independent situation.
Driver in NYC has gotta be tough.
When my mom was higher functioning but not driving, the cab guys had a pick up time for her to grocery shop and would pick her up to take her home when she was done. She was a good tipper and it was a pleasant experience.
Itâs a paid job (not paid much!) here, and meals are delivered with compassion. But thereâs no way drivers and their helpers have the time to spend more time than to say hello. Drivers are instructed to report if a client doesnât answer the door, and the designated social service agency or loved one is notified to follow up.
NYC has a very large population of seniorsâin many ways, itâs a good place for the elderly. Among other assistance, thereâs all kinds of public transportation, including door-to-door rides that seniors who canât take the bus or subway any more can sign up for. That mobility is much better than people driving way past when they should give up their car keys. And Medicaid is generous to fund home health aides for those who need them.
I can feel your hurt and frustration @greenbutton. Iâm sorry you have to deal with this. I hope your siblings are amenable to solutions
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This made me laugh, because that is exactly how I got her to stop going out to check the mail (their driveway is an curved slope, covered in ice and snow). I said a variation of that --Iâm glad you think you are perfectly capable but if you fall, none of us have time to nurse you 24/7 so we will just hire a nurse ,is that what you want?
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I have to share this story because others of you can perhaps use some variation of it with your loves one.
A few years ago, while MIL was still better mobile around the house but also with a life alert around a neck chain (in her upper 80âs, getting around the house with a cane). DD, Grand-daughter and I were visiting. DD was with me for a walk with grand-daughter in the stroller - a beautiful sunshine day. MIL often likes to sit on her kitchen stool, do a few dishes, drink coffee, look out the windows. We got back and MIL was lying on the kitchen floor flat on her back! She saw a twist tie on the floor, and decided to pick it up, lost her balance, fell, and couldnât get up. She knew we would be back shortly and wasnât hurt, and did not want to activate her alert - because she didnât want a fall to be a reason not to stay in her home although at that time she had spotty home help resources. After the fall, that day, we told my niece privately on a phone call (who is like a daughter to my MIL as she was raised a lot with our in-laws) whose dad and her are super involved with MIL (at that point FIL was in skilled care) -DHâs brother is a pharmacist in the area. MIL pretty much talks daily to this grand-daughter, so of course this grand-daughter could tell her not to be doing things like that! That way those family members knew the TRUE story. MIL told her son that lives 5 hours away that she lost her balance on the stool (we told him the true story later too), and we told anther son that lives further away also the true story (DH is one of four brothers, no sisters).
I do believe she was a lot more careful. There were several times she had UTIs and the local ambulance service came to take her to the hospital - and usually a couple of days stay at the hospital - heart issues, diabetes, etc. I know one time with a UTI she was so weak she rolled out of bed when she was trying to get up - and she called her most local son I believe first. She didnât get hurt on her spill. Otherwise she would tell her most local son about feeling really weak, bad, and it usually was a UTI with hospitalization for a few days after.
Key is safe, healthy, and of course many are happy to be living at their house/home - my mom got her wish âI want to be taken out of here feet firstâ meaning dying at home which she did get her wish - once she came home from the hospital after IV antibiotics for a suspected gall bladder infection and with hospice care and hospital bed on a Thursday, died the following Monday; MIL was only in skilled care for 2 weeks when she died, and had up to age 92 at her home; she was almost all âdeclined outâ by the time she went into skilled care - did great for a week and then her heart issues and other co-morbidities showed she was dying and then died during the night but with a son at bedside the four days prior to dying (she saw three of them, and had seen the 4th one within a month or so).
I was staying with my mother 8 years ago. I wondered where she was after I had not seen her for 20 minutes. She had fallen in the garden and came in covered in dirt! The next week, despite MD and family telling her to stay off cellar stairs, she fell at the bottom.
We were lucky: she decided on her own to go to assisted living. And now with dementia 6 years later, she calls me 20 times a day wanting to go home (but the house is gone)!
I want to thank everyone for their good suggestions and general support â I brought Dad home from the hospital today and the case manager (who was arranging for inhome PT and OT) listened to my concerns about their food so she threw in a visiting nurse for a bit of general oversight. I donât think I would have been confident that they needed it without the input. Meals are being brought by some friends this week after I go. Preferred sibling will do the follow up driving.
When we were discussing options for rehab, my mom pats my arm and says âmy daughter is tired of driving me aroundâ and Ijust sighed. Dad is already talking about âFriday when we are outâ as in, driving, but at least at home OT/PT is gonna get the %$#& throw rugs out of the house and I have the driveway cleared of ice at last.
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Does anyone here have experience with Pulmonary rehab? It has been recommended for my father, which is another doctor at a different location, still an hour from them. I think my parents might be more amenable with a bit more information.
Over the weekend, they had a minor humidifier leak, Mom couldnât reach the valve, Dad decided to brave the stairs, passed out at the bottom, she hands-and-knees back up, drags the high power O2 base unit into the kitchen and tosses him the hoseâŠhe crawls up the stairs, they are on the living room floor giggling about how stupid they were when my brother walks thru the front door. âI very nearly passed out tooâ he said later.
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Pulmonary rehabilitation CAN be a very worthwhile and excellent experience. Check to see if itâs accredited or notâthe accredited ones are better about making sure to educate the patients and caregivers thoroughly about a wide range of topics. Sadly there are very few programs nationwideânone in our state at all.
Find out the detailsâhow often they meet â often 2-3x/week and for how long (often 6 weeks). Also find out if there is an option to have an extension virtually or live.
Many patients and caregivers swear itâs the best thing and has helped them more than anything else understand your lung condition and how to optimize their health. They can teach patient and caregiver gos to help the patient exercise safely, manage their oxygen, & medications, stay out the hospital and so much more. They will also introduce you to other caregivers and patients so you can support one another.
Pulmo rehab has been shown to greatly improve the quality of life of patients.
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I would check into the program myself and learn about it.
Pulmonary issues certainly have a lot of things to monitor and watch. My DD, a VA nurse educator (who trains nurses in her medical area) has been guiding her first cousin who now works for a VA Hospital in ICU but worked for years at St Maryâs/Mayo on the pulmonary unit. DD says pulmonary is a complicated specialty area.
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thank you â we are of course checking in to what is available in hospital-based settings. Their hospitalâs system encompasses several sites and clinics, only one of which is close to them. Programs range from Better Breathers groups to full scale 3x/week specialized workouts. We have to balance wear and tear on them from the travel with potential benefits.
Dad announced this evening he was rejecting the notion of this whole idea as pointless; I told Mom to give him a couple days before we send a grandchild (all in their mid 20âs) to persuade him to at least try it. He said the same thing about physical therapy but mostly I think he is just scared, which makes perfect sense.
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As a substitute that involves less travel, some folks are doing various forms of virtual pulmonary rehab. You could ask the programs to what extent they have a virtual component so maybe they could have a hybrid with some in person and some virtual. Itâs not as good as all in person but a compromise to hopefully get some benefits but be less exhausting.
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My 91 y/o mom has bronchiectasis and probably an infection. Iâm going to the pulmonologist with her this week. Do the vibrating vests help bring up the mucus? Thx.
The vibrating vests can help with mucus but are generally for folks with cystic fibrosis and Bronchiactasis. Historically, the vests have been very expensive ($25k or so) and not easily obtained by other patients.
There are less expensive mucus clearing devices such as Aerobika and others that are tried with antibiotics to treat the bacterial infection.
The vests can be dangerous with bones that may be older and more brittle as well.
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Interesting about frail bones. My mom is petite. Thx for the feedback. She would resist it anyway.