There is a Meals on Wheels, but they far exceed the income limit, and even if they didn’t she would never accept the help at this point.
Mom is not really interested in being pleasant inside the family. (Irl, she’s all about being perceived as “good”) Tomorrow (today? it’s 4 am here) I was going to pour an appropriate amount of water into a pitcher and challenge her to prove she drinks that much. She doesn’t like to be told what to do, but she sure likes to be right. I remind myself she often feels like a cornered dog these days.
My mom dropped below 100 pounds until she went to memory care where she had more flexibility with her food and they were feeding her calorie dense foods. They gave her ice cream with her pills :). She gained nearly 20 pounds the first year (which she desperately needed). My dad complained all the time about the menu but my mom’s palate changed dramatically as she aged. She didn’t want fish and veggies, she wanted chicken tenders and fries;).
She has adequate tracking of her own issues, none of which are new. There are things she can’t eat, things she won’t eat, like allof us. But like a lot of elderly people, she just doesn’t prioritize eating regularly or eating an appropriate amount. She fights any intervention or discussion – I am really at the “okay, you have every right to just refuse to be appropriate” stage.
Travel is completely out of the question. She won’t go anywhere until Dad is home, and he is barely ambulatory. She will not go anywhere without him, willingly. She shouldn’t drive, and only goes to very familiar locations in their little town.
I think I said before, upthread – she is so distressed that Iam even here, that I’ve accepted as inevitable her anger,casual meanness, crying, etc. She doesn’t get a choice this time, and neither do I, but she can’t do this alone and that’s just how life is. One of the “better” sibs will be around again in another week, although he won’t be here all day. I know it’s not personal.
That is so hard, especially if she doesn’t want to accept that you are trying to help her. It seems impossible when you have one elderly parent (with all their issues, mantras and misconceptions) trying to take care of another.
@greenbutton I am wondering if your mother is reacting this way because she is terrified of the unknowns facing her and your dad, and that she will be called upon to do things beyond her capabilities at this point. So (of course!) she takes it out on you. My guess is that she’s extremely anxious.
Maybe it will help for her to talk with someone outside the family? Maybe you could talk to the social worker at the hospital your father is in?
Of course this is just a guess; please take what’s helpful and discard the rest. And I wish you the best–this is SO HARD!
You didn’t say the ages of your parents. With hospital social worker, kind of find out how the community has any help for these kind of situations.
Certainly your dad can have some nutritional supplement but he clearly needs three full nourishing meals. Maybe the hospital dietician can be a resource on how to plan/structure this and what options the dietician is aware of to be of help. For example protein shakes he can have between meals and at bedtime.
In our area, one can purchase meals on wheels - it is not just available for low income. In my in-law’s small community, one could be set up for regular delivery and then if my in-laws were eating out with family or being out of town, they could cancel beforehand up to a deadline the morning of the delivery.
Change and flexibility are difficult for seniors that want to run their lives and do not like the role reversal with their children.
I would find out as much as I can and communicate with supportive siblings and develop a plan. Then present to other siblings and work to follow through with your parents.
IMHO someone needs to stop in and see your parents face to face every day. It may be if they have meals on wheels - that delivery person can have their eyeballs on them on those delivery days. Then it is arranging another on the off days - be it a paid person or finding a volunteer.
You need to assess the safety of their situation and also the other visiting sibling. Gather info from the resources you can. Talk to your friends that may be facing similar circumstances.
The county agency services for seniors and maybe their small town has something going with aging at home services. Senior advocacy. Safety net things to implement.
The only way my dad would eat was to have microwave meals in the freezer for him . I made them all since processed foods had WAY too much salt (I quit eating them too!) Whatever were his favorites I tried to make for him. He ate a ton of ice cream and cookies (always did but more than he should have). I just decided he needed calories more than anything else. He did great this way for a few years but got to the point that even the few minutes at the MW didn’t seem worth the trouble to him. We (sis and I) I kept switching off to stay with him just to keep him fed.
If you go the way of Boost or another supplement look at the calorie counts. Two Cal HN (Abbott) is very high protein and calorie dense (more than most). you can get it through Amazon. . A visiting nurse told us about it. She said she had a couple patients who only drank that because they simply had no interest in eating or preparinisg meals and they were doing well. It can be used as single source nutrition. Comes in.different flavors.
Meals on Wheels was available in dad’s area. Not tied to income. You did pay about $5 per meal. We didn’t do it because he needed pureed food at the time but the visiting aspect would have been nice.
They categorically deny they are in need of any help at all. Meals on Wheels would be unacceptable because it would be taking it from people who need it. They won’t agree to a nutritionist because that would be justanother doctor to see. Keep in mind that we are trying to keep them from driving and the closest doctor is still 20 minutes away, the specialists are 90 minutes. Mom got him Ensure and he refused to drink it, or even try it. I do plan to talk to nursing about whether we could somehow add some eating directions to the discharge but…
There is no one to see them every day,although I certainly agree that would be handy. They just are certain that everything is under control. I know it sounds like I am just throwing up obstacles, I am also trying to figure out a workaround. I told Mom this morning that I understand it’s hard to have help, but there really isn’t a better choice. She just huffed and cried and stomped away.My parents are both nearly 90.
Last time I was here, I had made all sorts of freezer meals and baked things and those are mostly still in the freezer. Oh those, she said, we can’t eat those up and besides, I hate that food. So I microwaved one for lunch, gave it to her, and she cheerfully ate it. Oy.
@greenbutton do your siblings have the same concerns that you do? Maybe a kind of intervention would help. I realize it would be difficult to arrange with all of you far away, but if you all spoke with exactly the same voice, maybe it would help. Also, I don’t know if either would agree to take it, but when my dad and stepmother were each like this, backing themselves into corners, an antidepressant really helped.
Could you find a social worker who could advise you of your options? Or a local Office of Aging?
We found a retired nurse who works with families to figure out what they need, and then how to get it.
Your parents sound incompetent (mine are too). Is someone else handing their finances? Because if they can’t make sensible decisions about food they for sure can’t about money.
My parents also resisted help, but we were able to move them near me under cover of the pandemic in 2020.
I say you line up Meals on Wheels and pay for it and just make up some story about the doctor ordering it or something like that. You pre-pay and don’t allow it to get canceled. If Meals on Wheels is in their area M - F then you have someone delivering a meal to them those days and laying eyes on them.
Nearing 90, and what you have said, your family and you need to get involved - anything to make things safer for them and for them getting enough/more nutrition.
While your dad is in the hospital, you have some resources on social services, discharge planning, setting up services and also whatever county/city agency on aging support services. Try to list out all possibilities and maybe brainstorm with your supportive sibling on how to work things out better for your parents.
I know it is tough. DH’s mother was very stubborn, progressing with dementia, and getting very debilitated. She thought the solution was my DH staying and being her 24/7 caretaker at her home (840 miles away for DH and my home). She was in skilled care for 2 weeks - the first week went great, and then her medical conditions exacerbated and she died at 92 with congestive heart failure in her sleep but was clearly dying during the last week and had stopped eating and taking any drink for a few days.
Food is already in the house. It’s not a matter of not being able to prepare a meal it seems busy a refusal to do it - or to use what has been placed there already prepared. Meals on Wheels os t going to make sure they eat and swallow.
I wondered if you approached getting some simple help - maybe a retired nurse or maybe just a kind responsible person - and involved your mom in the interview process - so essentially she chooses the help herself - would make having someone in the house more desirable - and not family.
In my in-law’s community, the meals on wheels person would not just drop off the food, they would sit and visit and encourage the seniors there with eating. In fact, the person delivering my mother-in-law’s food was a paid person who needed to supplement her retirement, and she enjoyed seniors. So MIL paid this gal a monthly rate and it worked out great until her helper got a stroke, and after hospitalization threw a blood clot while recuperating and died at her son’s house! A few months later MIL needed to go to skilled care - which had been way prolonged.
I do know some Meals on Wheels volunteers here.
Sometimes a new structure in the seniors’ home schedule with M - F someone popping in with them. They may eat a few things off the prepared meal - and maybe like the new schedule.
It doesn’t matter what is in the house. My mother had dementia, and when food was put in front of her, she was hungry and she ate. Mom’s functioning declined to where the food was in the refrigerator but she didn’t have the steps in her head to even put together a sandwich. My brother lived a house away and got a live in housekeeper/cook and that worked out great.
Certainly a H and W who are declining differently and the nuisances in their relationship before and during decline - they are together 24/7. H may be hungry but is a go-along person with the W.
@greenbutton my sympathies for your situation with your mom. My mom has become so argumentative and rigid, I know she is turning people away from her. It’s very, very hard to figure out what to do. She came here for 2 weeks over Christmas and we fought more than I can remember. I’m the child who doesn’t fight with her. My sibling told her that life isn’t about her, mom seems to make everything about her now. Even my husband commented and he is not one to do that. It was exhausting.
I just wonder if some of the food issue is your mom is making the easiest things because that’s what she can remember to do. She either forgets that there is food in the freezer or forgets how long to microwave them. Then the default is to deny and argue.
My mom’s eating was very different than the last time she was at her house. She insisted on eating a big meal at lunch, so I had to plan for that. Usually she’s happy to do what we do. And then she either didn’t eat dinner or made herself something odd. When I’ve made dinner. It felt much more rigid than when we’ve had her in the past.
The argument about taking medication consistently seems more of the same.
I know that my mil has friends where she became this way. Finally the daughter moved them into a step down community against the mom’s will. The mom stopped answering my mil’s calls because she was so angry and didn’t tell mil they were moving.
But after the move and the woman calmed down, the facility was very nice and family came to visit, my mil’s friend called and was happy. She didn’t want change, kicked and screamed into it. But then it became a positive.
My mom has no money so moving her will be an added wrinkle. And she absolutely positively does not want to move, especially near me.
Edited to say that I tagged the wrong person, fixed it.
When I was cleaning out my mother’s apartment (more than 1/2 a dozen long weekend visits), I threw away many many Meals on Wheels unopened (and spoiled) boxed meals.
We are at a point with a relative in our family where meal preparation is a concern…but remembering to eat is also a concern. Or thinking they ate when they didn’t. Family is hiring help at this point and part of the job will be meal prep and hopefully encouraging eating.
Meals on Wheels works great for my disabled son. Since he’s not a senior he pays $5/meal, but it comes out of his “food stamps” so it’s not a burden. I am really thankful for the program because otherwise he would eat Campbell’s Soup and drink smoothies, exclusively, and I do mean literally. He enjoys the meals. I do have to call every single week and leave a message, including his debit card number, so that’s a little annoying but still worth it.
OP here. There’s food in the house, mostly all frozen dinners but they are eating spam because they like it. I nuked her a Lean Cuisine last night and she ate half, went to throw the rest out and I made her finish it. She has never been a great cook, and they are both extremely resistant to confronting the realities.
So, we can just overrule them by force, or try to continue to coax them. After a week of this, I don’t feel like coaxing can work. He is already on antidepressants, she thinks people should just “stop thinking so much about themselves and get over it”
Not to characterize them as unhappy. They are a devoted couple of 60+ years , always the people in charge, she was raised a Boston Brahim w all that implies. She is lost without him, anxious, “worried” but not scared (I made the mistake of saying I know it is scary and she was indignant for hours)
I’ve been looking in to MoW; she’ll hate it and try to cancel it and be angry, but if the food is there she’ll hate to waste it. My siblings seem to think we can coax them, but I don’t believe that is realistic. and we still can’t make them eat the food. I think we might try it, and hope she can see the usefulness.
Their finances are fine, and well managed by their lawyer/banker/accountant guy.