I definitely felt that loneliness, more sometimes than others. I think the thing that really got to me is how I needed to change my life to accommodate my mother and no one else had to do that. They were free to live their lives. Even if they, sometimes, helped here or there, it was the fact that I could not do what I wanted, when I wanted, and they could.
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For my family, each of us takes care of mom for sone hours of the week so the load isnât too much for any one of us. It helps. Itâs still as long long week and mom is physically very strong so may live many more years. It does help being able to reach out to siblings.
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As the sibling on the outside, I will only offer that all attempts to be helpful are rebuffed â by my mother, who prefers the easy-going sibling who never says no or notices that neither parent is eating, or if he does, he brings pizza. By that sibling, who knows more, about everything, every situation. If I make a collaborative attempt (âdo we think someone should call Hemotology? I could do thatâ) the answer is always he can do it, will do it, doesnât need me to do it.
If I say maybe Local Sibling could do that, heâs busy, or she doesnât need him to, why am I presuming to order people around when Iâm not even there. (DH said heâs going to start abbreviating NET). Iâve offered to come and stay, they tell me I donât need to, she doesnât want me to, why would I even be needed, etc.
So it isnât always that the absent sibling isnât trying. I feel myself just giving up on the attempt, since my very attempt to be engaged and helpful is seen as the problem. And not wanting to add to all this real stuff, and knowing they wonât give in, I just give up. I just give up.
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Itâs so hard when they arenât really competent (refusing needed help) and donât see their abilities have declined.
Oh, man ⊠story of my Hâs life. I could write a book. Suffice it to say that itâs very hurtful.
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Thank you greenbutton. Every time I post on this thread I think maybe that there should be a âparents not caring for the parent support thread with no judgement for not being the local siblingâ.
My siblings had a territorial attitude about my mothers care. She had a very sharp decline (about a year) and lived pretty much independently up until the stroke that put her in a horrible nursing home where she died alone during Covid. When I offered to take her from OK to VA to care for her myself (because I was retired and they were not, and my state had better services for the elderly), I was rebuffed. How dare I think I had a say in what happened to my mother when âI donât even live here anymoreâ. IDELHA in my situation.
My siblingsâ first priority when I went to OK after the stroke, was to take me with them to see an attorney they knew, so that âweâ could give my sister POA so she could save the house from being sold to pay for my momâs care. She thought her son should have it and expected me to think that was a grand idea. When I suggested that perhaps it could be sold to pay for her care in a better facility instead, the answer was âwith the cost of nursing care so high, it would only pay for a few months.â Well, thatâs how long she ended up living, a few months - alone in a truly dreadful place. She could have been with me instead, in my home, with my family.
Some local families caring for parents really arenât making the best decisions or have the best motivations.
My siblings did bear the burden of her care, but it was for one year and it only involved a handful of doctors visits. One year, compared to the many years she provided free day care services for two children to my sister, not voluntarily according to my mother. One year, when she drove my other sister to college and work everyday for seven years, because my sister was too lazy to get her drivers license. I could go on. I was independent and put no burdens at all on my parents after I was 19. My sisters claiming that they did all the work thus I had no say in her care holds no weight with me. She was my mother too and I should have been able to have some say in the decisions made for her.
I realize that I am being petty. But my mothers death still haunts me two years later.
This! 
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Iâm not going to feel guilty for moving 2,500 miles from my family. I had to get away from their fundamentalist church. And my sister got YEARS of free childcare for her three kids, courtesy of my parents.
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I will say that my brother moved to FL and my other brother is out of state most of the time in his second home. But I have to take responsibility for the fact that I am unable to do that. I question myself. My support group leader has urged me to live my own life, for years, and I just canât move away. Canât do it, and not sure that is healthy. Just an apparent fact of my personality.
During COVID surges I was not allowed in the facility and managed her care remotely, visiting at the window when it was warm enough. This let me know that my in-person involvement is essentially voluntary.
I catch myself resenting my brothers and have to remind myself that I COULD choose to move away. I think about it, and then my mother has a bad day and cries and clutches my hand. For me, it is maternal at this point. The cycle of life as they say.
I get the hurt from those who want to help and are rebuffed, and the hurt of those who are alone in the caregiving. I imagine when the care is shared there are issues too. Basically, this is just hard!
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As for personalities, my mom, who was always warm and sweet my whole life, changed as dementia set in. She is often rude and vicious in her words to me. Itâs crushing as her only caregiver for nine years in my home. She also started swearing, which she never did in my entire life.
I have sympathy for out of town adult children that offer to help and are rebuffed. I have one local and one remote sibling who have never offered anything in nine years ever. No cards, no calls, no anything. I have very intense negative feelings over them just living their lives that Iâll probably never resolve with those two.
One of the things we learned as a couple during our sonsâ illnesses (and my husbandâs) is that an invisible trauma of caregiving and medicine in the US is anger. Lots and lots of anger and thereâs no apppropriate place to put it. I think everyone, regardless of their position in the work of caregiving, has a lot of anger and welling grief.
i appreciate all my siblings do, and I know that they face different challenges than I do. So much emphasis is placed in estate planning and so little on what happens in the twilight years, it is hard all around.
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Yes, there is anger attached to caregiving but there is also exhaustion and the isolation and lack of support. The latter three are more the case for our familyâwe are all tired and we are all trying to share the burden.
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Thereâs an idea! Most of the posters on the elder caregiver boards are the local caregivers.
@MaineLonghorn I think I remember recently that you wrote that you hope your sister doesnât burn out. What happens if she does â will you bring up to her that she owes your father because of all the childcare your parents provided her?
No, I wonât bring that up. She actually has, though! She appreciates all the help theyâve given her family. More financial help than Iâve gotten, which Iâm fine with. Theyâve had a rough haul.
Just over the last couple of weeks, Iâm very encouraged. Sheâs doing so much better. Meds and counseling have been huge for her. And Dad has a caregiver which he didnât have after his disastrous heart surgery in 2019. The caregiver has stayed at the rehab center with him five days a week, so my sister doesnât feel obligated to be there constantly. Weâre thankful he has long term care insurance that pays about 2/3 of her salary.
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My mother passed away last week. Just returned from the funeral. She had a mink coat that she loved â took it out during the winter and sent it to what she called summer camp (storage) for the summer. None of her children wanted it. When we were there for the funeral, my daughter said, âI will take it. I wouldnât buy a new one because I donât want anyone to kill minks for me but these minks have been long dead.â
My mother was three weeks shy of her 98th birthday and other than short-term memory that was getting worse (and that she would joke about), she retained her basic cognitive faculties (she had a PhD and was quite bright) until mid-day on the day she died and then died that afternoon. She influenced a lot of peopleâs lives, so it was a pretty big funeral.
In the you canât make this stuff up camp. My father is back in his assisted living. He told the nurses yesterday he wouldnât eat his lunch because the Russians could be poisoning it.
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Hope the Russian thing recedes once he is settled again. My mother had delirium in the hospital and didnât remember her AL when she returned, and kept packing. After a few days she was okay!
So Sorry for your loss, shawbridge. I hope your family has lots of good memories for support.
Sorry for your loss Shawbridge. It is always hard when it happens quickly. I hope it was peaceful. Clearly she had a good life and many loved her.
Use the power of prayer and forgive yourself.
We have two DDs and 3 grandchildren. We hope our DDs will coordinate when our time comes to need any guidance in our care - and we do have resources which is good to have hand in hand with DDs who care and love us as we loved them growing up and taking care of them.
I know lots of people who have coordinated both living places and visits, or built an apartment wing onto a house so parents could be cared for very closely while also having the assets last.
There are people who feel âentitledâ and are chasing the estate. Sorry it has come out badly for your loving mom.
My brother (convicted white collar felon) showed his worst at momâs initial death (taking items for himself and his kids) and with the estate sale where he purposely moved things and lied about it. Making distractions in a way to get empowered like he is pulling something over. His absolute worse. But he is out of the country and canât return - he hurt himself and his kids the most with all of his misdeeds.