@compmom I’m very sorry for your loss. The relationship you shared over your lifetime with your mom was clearly honored in your care. I hope you can treat yourself with gentleness and kindness as you inhabit new days and roles.
We communicated earlier on common ground about our kids and I know how thoroughly and carefully you have looked for the best outcomes for everyone.
Wishing you peaceful times.
My husband doesn’t like it, but he’s not “concerned.” He knows his mother is extremely stubborn. Nobody can influence her to change her ways or her thinking. Even when she was younger. It’s very aggravating for us. By the way, I forgot to mention that she does not have a telephone or television. She absolutely refuses.
I am amazed that your MIL has adapted to use of a laptop and many very useful functions. So she has utilized various personality characteristics (stubbornness which in many ways is the disguise for her control) despite how she misses outside opportunities. To her, maybe, going to ‘the outside world’ - she is protecting her own level of happiness because it would make her sad on what she is missing on all the other days and times she can no longer be ‘out and about’ on her own.
Not having a TV or telephone. Well she has not found the need. She is living the life she wants, and seems to have the balance in life that she wants.
DH’s mom’s side has had moderate longevity – her parents born in 1887 and 1890, lived to 74 and 83 (dad died in 1961 and mom died in 1974); this granddad farmed and had two side businesses, a cheese factory and also repaired farm implements (they had 13 children – a 14th child died within 2 months --born 1933, and a 15th child was a still birth, in 1936). DH’s Mom and living siblings born between 1914 and 1931. DH’s mom was the youngest girl. His mom’s 5 brothers: (one died with tree felling accident at age 38), lived to 58 (1970 and significant heart issues), 79, 82, 83, and 89. His mom’s sisters and she lived to: 77 (massive heart attack), 89 (had series of heart attacks over the years), 92, 92, 93, 93, 94, and 96. The 96 YO had Congestive Heart Failure and was not going to be able to tolerate more aggressive medical intervention - she had very good recovery from a stroke due to her work ethic with therapy. Mom and many of the sisters had cardiac issues and lived out what their body could. The modern medicines and treatments for cardiac helped with their longevity.
DH has a lot of longevity on his dad’s side of the family. Have more family lineage info on one track: GGGF died in 1866, but GGGM lived to 83 (died in 1917). Next generation, GGF died in 1939 at age 73, while GGM died in 1950 at age 85 - these parents and offspring lived in rough conditions during a smallpox epidemic and all survived – GF and siblings born between 1893 and 1910. 9 children - one boy died at age 1 1/2; one sister (the youngest of the siblings) died in 1977 at age 67. A brother (who was a priest, and the 3rd oldest of siblings) died at age 80 in 1977 of Prostate Cancer, and one sister (2nd oldest of the siblings) died at age 90 in 1985. GF (oldest of siblings) died at age 96 in 1990. The remaining 4 sisters died at ages 101, 105, 106, and 107. The sister that died at 105 navigated well in a wheel chair and lived independently after her 101 YO sister had died.
The sister that died at 106 was a few months from age 107 - and she was a Catholic nun, Sister Anne, with School Sisters of Notre Dame (and she was part of the ‘nun study’ on longevity). As this Chicago Tribune article states, she began a ministry/organization on Chicago’s West Side when she was 76 years old (in 1982) along with two other religious. The last time we saw her was at a wedding in 2002 (when she was 96) - she flew in, and it was really grand talking to her about her life’s adventures on that visit and prior visits (on her nun study interview clip, she sounds just like DH’s grandpa). In those last final years of her life, she would go around the health care center (skilled care) “and cheer up the old folks” – and she was the oldest one there…
I am struggling with the trauma of my mother’s hospice death. Was it trauma for her, or just for me? I believe the morphine and Ativan accumulated in her system due to kidney failure. The morning she died, I was on my way over to request that medications be reduced but I had a feeling I was too late, and I was. I am trying to view her unconscious state, minutes after our arrival, as beneficial, but she went so quickly from conversation to unconsciousness after the injection. I don’t want to go into this further on this forum but anyone else who has these concerns can PM me. I am just trying to understand.
Here is an interesting article, that references the “redemptive” suffering of Tolstoy’s Ivan Ilyich while dying. Interesting in the abstract. Overuse of Pain Medications in Hospice and Palliative Medicine (geripal.org) Something to think about. (editing to add that the quotes around “redemptive” are ironic)
I have finished going through her apartment, and have spent days looking at letters, photographs and diaries that she left behind. I am stopping now because it is painful.
Managed to donate most of her things. Arranging burial, memorial service, reception and corresponding with family and friends. If my mother were here, I would tell her what a pain it is to deal with!
Giving her walker away was the hardest. I wheeled it in as if I were her, then let it go.
I will stay on this forum but this is the last post on my own situation. Again, thanks all!
I do not know if this is comforting but Iin the past week I’ve talked to several of my friends who have very recently lost close relatives.
In every case I was struck how the grieving blamed themselves for something. Be it their own health issues or an activity they did. Or even an environmental issue. All of the deceased lived very long fulfilling lives.
All of the grieved took some blame or responsibility for their deaths. Or how they died. Or their loved ones last moments.
My advice to them has been that they did what they thought was best and you need to go forward. Because their person knew that they loved them and knew that they would never do anything to hurt them.
Agree!
I totally understand your feeling. I too think that giving my father Ativan and morphine hastened his death. I don’t know if it’s true and I would probably do the same thing again but it nags at me. One of the hospice nurses even warned me a week or so ahead of time that families have these doubts and feel that way and yet I still can’t shake it entirely. But the other option would have potentially. been suffering. The bottom line with both our parents is that we can never know. We did the best we could. The hospice nurses told me my dad only had days left when he was still mostly lucid and eating. I didn’t believe them but they were right. I think it’s harder to see the right thing when we are emotionally invested. What I’ve learned is there is no good way to die. We can only try to make it as easy as possible and you did that.
Our hospice nurse said that we were not giving meds to hasten death, but that sometimes when meds were given the loved one was more comfortable and able to let go.
Wishing you peace with the outcome @compmom
Sending love and peaceful vibes. I lost my Mom in August 2021. Her decline was quick. In the beginning of the summer we thought her issues were treatable. I spent a good chunk of time advocating for rehab and encouraging her that she just needed to work on “x” and she would come through this. It turns out her issues include a cancer diagnosis that had spread quickly and, in hindsight, she didn’t have the energy or ability to fight it. I spent a good chunk of time beating myself up that my fighting for her didn’t give her what she needed at that time. My guilt was overwhelming, clouded by my grief. Over the last 15 months, I have started to give myself a little Grace. I was making the best decisions I could at the time, with the information I had on hand. I’m sorry for the long winded post. But I want to say, give yourself grace. And know that you were doing the best that you could, and your Mom knew she was loved.
My experience was that it took a year and a half to put my father’s decline and death into perspective. Before that, I had a big mishmash of second-guessing, guilt, resentment that it was all on me, relief that it was all on me, etc., etc. A really tough time period (during which time my 59-year-old brother died). I was lucky to have the assistance of my therapist to process it all, and I know that support groups (now available virtually) helped as well. And this thread! @compmom, I wish you comfort. Do you know the concept of good-enough mother? Eventually I could think of myself as a good-enough daughter. I did the best that I could and for sure it was good enough, or better.
@compmom I tried to send a PM, but it only states your user 's public profile is hidden, so won’t let me. Maybe if you send me a PM I can reply? Great advice from all above as well.
Thanks for this insight. I agree about the control.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts @compmom . Death is hard. I was close to my sibling and was with him during his last hospitalization and acted as his medical POA. How I wish I knew one conversation would be our last. It’s been three years and I miss him terribly but look for happiness in each day in his honor. I have the same medical condition he had and I’ve now lived longer than him. My mom is 92 and I’m grateful for every minute we are together. I’m very sorry you are struggling. It’s an intense loss made more so by your devotion to your mom. She was loved.
Oh, my gosh - second guessing ourselves is human nature. Learning to accept that we did our best given what we knew at that moment in time takes time.
“The hospice nurses told me my dad only had days left when he was still mostly lucid and eating.” It’s so hard to know. That’s what we were told in March, 2020 about my dad. Last Sunday, 2 1/2 years later, he wore a tuxedo to a fancy dinner party.
The hospital was right in July, 2021 when they said the same thing about my mom.
We can just do the best we can. My sister and I do wonder if we could have done more to help Mom.
My parents have finally agreed to move to independent living 10 mikes from my sister. Beautiful new building but by the time they sell the SoCal house and get there they may need to be in assisted living. Whatever. The facility has room in both wings.
So today’s “can’t decide whether to laugh or cry” moment:
I sent Mom a map showing that the van will take them to Trader Joe’s. Scheduled, weekly. She zooms in and discovers a National cemetery right close. So now it’s a +2 on moving there because they can be buried where grandkids can visit.
We just nod and smile and try to get them moved
Thanks for the messages! And best wishes to all with their own parents.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy when we lose our parents, no matter how old they are. Our dads were 77 and 81, moms were 87 and 91. The dads both went fairly quickly and somewhat unexpectedly. The moms both lingered for over 5 years before they died. Some things I think about now and again about what might have been done differently here and there but try not to dwell on it . You did your best. It is just not easy saying goodbye.
@compmom Hang in there. Grieving is hard, and you have devoted yourself so wholly to your mother’s last journey that it will be deeply felt. Don’t ask too much of yourself right now. You will see your mom in the many things that she loved (try the mirror), you will hear her in the ringing of the phone, you will feel her when you do something she would be proud of or pass on what you have learned in her living and in her passing, That won’t happen soon, but it will happen. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay. Hugs to you.
This thread is a blessing. Thanks to all who have shared their experiences. l appreciate hearing from those who have gone through this journey. It is happening for me now. My 93-year-old father is diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma in the sinus and cheek (it has invaded his cheek and although apparently it’s uncommon to penetrate the brain, it goes next to the lungs). He is too frail for chemo/radiation/surgery so care is basically palliative at this point. He is at the Mayo Clinic so I assume they know what they are doing. I know we all have to die of something at some point but I just wish it didn’t have to be this.