Parents of the high school class of 09

Parents Forum
1321

<p>I'm with your husband. A part of her heel dragging may be rebellion. If you take away the reason to rebel and put the responsibility on her you may get the result you have been looking for all along. If you have a discussion with her and let her know you are there to be supportive but you will not nag anymore you you may find that it works better for her and that she works better on her apps.</p>

<p>That said I do think it's ok to say "no__________ until essay is done." That is not nagging it's still giving her control just letting her know there is a consequence.</p>

1322

<p>Thanks Jolynne Smith - I could have written your response a month or a week ago. That has been my attitude all along. Unlike other life stages, where you can say my kid will get there when s/he is ready, this one is on a fixed timetable, whether or not the kid is ready. So I too have been doing more of D's laundry than I would like :), in addition to setting deadlines, arranging interviews, etc.</p>

<p>We've tried the "pull out of an EC" route, but she convinced us earlier this semester that she could handle it - that was back when her grades were great and she was working steadily on applications. So we let her get involved again. I regret that decision.</p>

<p>Her other major EC involves sporadic weekends away (and also a chance to see her out-of-town BF). Threatening to take that away would create unbelieveable angst.</p>

<p>historymom - you wrote what my gut is telling me. I think we will end up somewhere in the middle - less detailed intervention, but still some sort of consequence.</p>

<p>Can I just mention, that to make my mood even worse, it is currently SNOWING here in Ohio!! Well. it's just flurries, but still..... in October?!</p>

1323

<p>Can you tell her (re: the non-bf-related EC) that you've demonstrated that you can't handle both right now & you need to give it a break until after apps are done? </p>

<p>I've used that logic w/my son: "you can do X, but you must demonstrate that you can handle it along w/other responsibilities. One mess-up (e.g. missed homework) and you are done w/X for a time." He seemed fine w/that logic, although never ended up taking a retail job (that's what he wanted to do) after all.</p>

<p>Good luck! And...wow..snow!</p>

1324

<p>D was trying to do three EA applications (deadline 11/1), and I insisted that these be done the weekend before (i.e., by 10/26 = yesterday). </p>

<p>We sat down with her the three -- four weekends leading up to this, made a rough chart of her weekend activities and commitments (as we didn't think any of this could get done during the week, with her class/homework schedule, etc.), and asked what we could do to help.</p>

<p>She said: shut down the internet. So, we did.</p>

<p>Second, we made a rough schedule, and agreed that if it came to this weekend (Friday, 10/24), and things weren't done, she'd have to miss dance class until they were. This was REALLY hard to do: we tried to say that it wasn't a punishment, but simply a way to find hours that we couldn't find otherwise, but I know it felt like a punishment.</p>

<p>Third, we also let her have a party Saturday evening for all her friends who didn't go to homecoming. (Turned out several kids left homecoming to come to the party, which they said was more fun!)</p>

<p>Yesterday -- Sunday afternoon -- I insisted that we finish college apps before homework. Finishing and submitting took longer than we thought, and as a result she was up very late doing homework. But she was absolutely thrilled to have 3 in.</p>

<p>Maybe we could have left her alone to do them; I think it depends on the parental anxiety level too. It worked for us to try to work together, to convince her we were on her side, and that we weren't trying to cut out every fun activity in her life. We just had to find time in a schedule that really has no spare hours. Talking openly about how to get to the mutally agreed upon goal, letting her rant late one night about the whole app process, and generally serving as cheerleaders seemed to do it for us/her.</p>

<p>Good luck to you.</p>

1325

<p>Jolynne - have you been talking to my H? You sound just like him.;)</p>

<p>Upon reflection, I think what has held us back in limiting her EC involvement, in spite of our threats, is that she has leadership positions in the 2 major ECs. So if at the last minute we forbid her participation because of unmet deadlines, someone else who was relying on her will suffer. But maybe that's just the kind of life lesson she needs right now. Maybe if we stuck to our guns more often, the thought of disappointing others would be more motivating.</p>

<p>Great food for thought...thanks!</p>

1326

<p>I think that most parents are going through these same things and you lucky ones who have acceptances are the rarity. I have several coworkers with HS seniors and we are all struggling with getting the kids to work on their applications. </p>

<p>Long ago, we set a 10/31 deadline for all applications to be completed and submitted. DS has a good draft of his essay which is now with his English teacher for review, the Common App is done, so it's all the supplemental essays hanging over our heads. Contrary to what most of you have RIGHTLY done - let the kids be responsible for their applications - I've interceded more, probably enabling him to continuing avoiding the responsiblity (requested college transcripts and ACT scores be sent, some basic work on apps, etc.). I put together a spreadsheet of all the essay questions, the required length, etc. and it's his responsiblity to do the work. He needs to have final drafts of them all done before Friday if he wants to go to a Halloween party that night. </p>

<p>I've had to really work at not bringing it up this weekend while he did absolutely nothing on them, as my tendency is to remind him incessantly (okay, nag, nag, nag). He knows the deadline. That said, I know he'll half-heartedly put the essays together, and again, I'll have to work at letting it go at that. </p>

<p>This parenting thing is HARD!</p>

1327

<p>My daughter had her safety (academic and financial) school apps in a while ago, and she knows it won't be my fault if nothing further gets done. She has to make her own decisions about her future as long as they don't involve me supporting her for the next ten years! If she really wants to apply, they will get done.</p>

1328

<p>You're all correct, of course, it is their life and their decision as to whether they should make an effort with the process or not. </p>

<p>However, I do think it's my job as a parent to help him keep as many options open in his life as possible! Keeping those doors open is a painful process at times.</p>

1329

<p>Zetesis - sounds like your plan worked well. I think we've been reluctant to micro-manage her time, because we feel like if she can't learn to do it on her own now, how is she going to function in college next year? But perhaps applying to college isn't the time to test and hone her time-management skills. Maybe that's what the REST of senior year is for....</p>

<p>Muffy333 - you also sound like my DH. (I"f she really wants to apply, they will get done". But my response is: Yes, but what about all those other great schools she was going to apply to, that I think are perfect for her? Or what if she does a shoddy job on her apps because she runs out of time and then, in this ultra-competitive college admissions environment, she doesn't get in where she could/should have?" </p>

<p>Then I have to ask myself: Who's going to college? me or D?</p>

<p>Obviously there are two schools of thought on this and I am stuck in the middle. I feel like I have two little cartoon characters on my shoulders, whispering pros and cons in my ears :)</p>

<p>Oh yeah cpeltz, parenting is definitely not for the faint of heart!</p>

1330

<p>The thing is, it is highly doubtful that most of them will have extensive EC involvement or other significant time commitments when they start college. Athletes will; students who have to work will. Most others won't. Most of the kids who are currently consumed with fall activites will not have football, volleyball, band, cheerleading or drill team in college. So it's rather unfair, IMO, to say if they don't make the time now, they won't succeed in college.</p>

1331

<p>I'm not in a very Mary-Sunshine mood today (and a lot of this is due to S1's school's in-house application deadlines), but I do feel moved to observe that coping with the college process, just like dealing with binkies, bottles, toilet training, and so on years ago, is going to play out differently in all our different homes - we're different, our kids are different, our kids' high school atmospheres are different, and so on - but the point of this thread is to vent together and commiserate. </p>

<p>So - and believe me, I'm trying really hard to channel my inner Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm, here - nobody needs to feel bad about how they're handling things. We're all doing what needs to be done, and what works for our families. Here's to us. And here's to our kids!</p>

1332

<p>HMW, thank you for the much needed perspective! The fact is, we're all on this board because we care so much about our childrens' futures, and each of us is doing what we think is best for our individual kids.</p>

<p>I propose we all meet back on the board on May 1st with a celebratory in drink in hand to toast to our hard work, the conclusion of the college search/application/decision process and the college futures of our offspring!</p>

1333

<p>If I can tiptoe into something that may not be well received here on CC, if your child is seriously putting off the application process, consider the fact that they might want to do something else, but don't have the nerve to tell you. If you have a relaxed moment, you might want to bring up the subject of whether they can see themselves at a four year college. I mention this because last year a neighbor left the whole process up to her son and he did nothing. Turned out, he wanted to go to cosmetology school...it took until this past summer for him to disclose that doing hair was his passion (his HS ECs were all in the area of Art). His dad about flipped, his mom was supportive, and how he's at the top of his class at cosmetology school. Of course, another neighbor paid about $100,000 for a couple of years at a good private LAC before her daughter revealed that she really wanted to try to make it as an actress instead of finishing college.</p>

1334

<p>missypie: Good point about fewer ECs in college - I think that's true for many kids. But my D's ECs are more community service oriented and I've watched her face light up as she peruses the community service opportunities on college bulletin boards when we visit. I suspect her plate will fill up pretty fast, so that's why we want to send her off with good time management skills. </p>

<p>And I think you make an excellent point that delay on apps might indicate desire to do something different, or to delay college entrance. In D's case, the possibility of a gap year is very real. </p>

<p>As HMW points out, this is very kid-specific. I already have complete confidence in my 9th grader's ability to manage her time and prioritize. This has always been a struggle with D1.</p>

<p>HMW: Your inner Rebecca is coming through loud and clear. Thank you for that. I love these discussions because, even if a poster's advice doesn't work for my D, I'm hopeful that someone else will benefit.</p>

<p>cpeltz: I'm adding the May 1st P-o-t-h-s-c-o-09 thread celebration to my calendar!</p>

1335

<p>missypie, you raise a good point. It's so hard to tell if the foot dragging is just normal teen procrastination, fear of change, fear of failure, or a desire to do something else entirely! Do you think they get how hard it is for us to know when to nag, when to shut up, when to leap in for a rescue and when to back off?</p>

1336

<p>At my house...I have one twin who has been a Mr. Type A, check it off the list as soon as possible, nothing hanging over my head his entire life....until now!! What has made matters worse was that everything he was touching was turning to Gold and that really ticked me off because Boy 2 who has been diligent, managing lead in the play plus 2 others but was doing all the right things (preparing for standardized tests, getting apps and essays and scholarships in...being kind to his mother) was not having quite the luck. </p>

<p>My husband is fussing at me and saying - tell him once...then remind him once and them let him sink himself. Quit arguing!</p>

<p>Easier said then done...because when the kids do start to feel the pressure they then make life awful at home. But I have decided to do just that- and hopefully he gets off his high horse -</p>

<p>Then I do think- they are used to "deadlines" being the day something is due... hard for them to see a deadline as January 1 and have you fussing over it not being done in November. Allowing for error, problems, illness does not factor in to their thought process. </p>

<p>If you think about it...how early would WE have done it? I know I have a yearbook add page to do that is due NOW...but I also know it's not a hard deadline...so I put it off. Darn, if those apples would just fall further from the tree</p>

1337

<p>Of course, if your child doesn't want to go away to a four year college, we still need to be the parents. I'll use my own parents as an example: We had very little money when I was growing up. I had a friend who worked at the local "nice" department store and got a discount and had a terrific wardrobe. About halfway through senior year, I came up with a plan to go to the area CC and get a job at the department store. My parents did not think this was a winning strategy and pretty much told me I was going away to school. I didn't fight it because deep down I knew I just wanted to change my plans in order to have great clothes. On the other hand, if a senior really isn't very mature and wants to stay at home for a year or two, that would make sense.</p>

1338

<p>In order for D to have applications out ther I had to guide her. I didn't sit there and yell "get that essay done" - "finish the applications"! I gave her strict deadlines to complete the applications, then I went in and reviewed what she entered and I submitted payment (I wasn't about to hand over my credit card for D to go buck wild on). These are college applications and the kids just started senior year, I would never leave that entire preparation and decision just on her shoulders. She had NO CLUE what a safety, match, or reach was, had NO CLUE that in-state colleges or oos state colleges were less money than privates, etc. </p>

<p>I've been hounding D since March of her junior year to start deciding what colleges she'd like to apply to. She told me what she wanted to study and couldn't find where in the sea of majors was hers. I had to take a fine tooth comb and scour college board etc for her major. Once we found her major, we went over the list and she decided on east coast schools only, so we narrowed it down more. </p>

<p>Once July came I told her I wanted her to apply starting August (in Florida) when the admissions opens up. If I hadn't know about cc and read all of the useful information, we wouldn't even be at this point. In July, we took a college tour of 8 schools in Florida. At every tour they pushed the attendees to APPLY EARLY! APPLY EARLY! </p>

<p>It finally sunk in for her to apply early. When she returned from Florida she spent some time filling out the applications and writing a really good essay. The first week of school, she contacted all three of her recommendationers and they happily wrote her letters (I'm sure that they are bogged down by requests now).</p>

<p>As it turns out, D has 2 offers on the table and one is pending (bring test scores up). She still has 7 other colleges she's waiting to hear from. </p>

<p>If you feel your child isn't moving along, go to them and ask if there is anything you can do. I'm sorry, I was not about to let the biggest decision of her life fall onto her 17-year old shoulders. Once I started helping her along, finding info, deciding with her what scores should be sent, signing up for tests, etc. it was smooth sailing.</p>

1339

<p>Chintzy, I don't think they have a CLUE! We're dealing with the same thing we dealt with here two years ago with S1. Both S1 and S2 applied to the love-of-their-lives ED school. (s1 got in) S2's application is submitted, and he's waiting for an audition time. He doesn't want to think about anywhere else. Unfortunately, 2 more applications for RD schools are due Dec. 1, complete with essays etc., and he just doesn't want to deal with it. In S1's case, if he hadn't gotten in, he would have had to write 10-12 essays between Dec. 15 and Jan. 1-15 for RD schools, but luckily didn't have to deal with it. In S2's case, having seen S1, he just doesn't want to deal with it, but has to. Plus he's in soccer playoffs. Homecoming was last weekend; college parents weekend is NEXT weekend, so S2 and I will have a date the following weekend to hammer these out.... I hope. </p>

<p>Moms, hang in there--we've found scheduling a date, with incentives (like a break to get Jamba juice or whatever) helps. I don't do the work, but keep him company, edit if asked, support. The biggest problem is that he just wants to get in and have it over with, so the motivation has just withered away...</p>

1340

<p>"I think we've been reluctant to micro-manage her time, because we feel like if she can't learn to do it on her own now, how is she going to function in college next year? But perhaps applying to college isn't the time to test and hone her time-management skills. Maybe that's what the REST of senior year is for...."</p>

<p>Our D manages her time really well. But she gets home at 3 or so, can count on 4-5 hours of homework a night, and is trying to sandwich in her other commitments. How is she supposed to add what is essentially another course (essay writing for colleges)? My view is that she needs to see how we do "triage." </p>

<p>Friday night, late, as we toiled over an essay, she was in tears, tired, and sick of college apps -- and she vented to me for an hour or so!! Sunday afternoon, when we had screwed up our courage to hit "submit" on all 3 apps, she was ecstatic. NOW she can see the benefits of getting things done, even a wee bit ahead of time. She is thrilled that her Halloween weekend is free of apps (I promised she gets the weekend "off"); and she gets to feel the joy of success. Now, when she has to finish the next batch (RD apps), we hope she'll be buoyed up by the memory of what completing these felt like.</p>

<p>She told me to tell everyone on this board to work with your kids, to set deadlines and have consequences, and to include some "bribes" and rewards. Taking away some "privileges" or ECs (mutually agreed on at our house) feels like punishment at the time, but the point is, she tells me, kids don't want to do college apps. She admits the last few weekends have been gruelling, really hard. </p>

<p>She also informs me there are kids at her school who haven't started the college search; haven't approached teachers for recommendations; and haven't submitted their "future plans" to their guidance counselor to know if they'll even need to have a conference to get Secondary School Reports, etc. Without gloating about it, she sees the advantages of getting it all done.</p>

<p>So we're celebrating and relaxing this week. We'll pick it up again in a few weeks.</p>