Going to visit my mom tomorrow. My sister called to warn me that I was walking into a hornets nest. Her husband’s son is trying to force them into assisted living NOW. Mom is apparently a wreck. I think they need to go, too, but pressure makes her dig in her heels. I am so dreading the visit that my stomach is upset, and I am not often anxious to that level. Trying to cope with a combination of tequila and meditation.
Meanwhile H is leaving for 11 days in England (choir). I could have gone but we took exactly the same trip years ago with a different choir.
Oregon is she thinking an at home birth or just using a Doula with help with labor? Will insurance cover some of the Doula expense? I think ours does - or course I’m so far removed from that these days that it is hard to remember but I think one of my employees just used one recently for an at home birth and at least some of it was covered.
Coming from a nursing perspective. home births are out of the question. Too many risks. I know most births go well. but…
MP, you know how to handle your mom, you know what works and doesn’t and now that she is married, the gentleman’s son needs to back off and do what works. If he lives close perhaps he feels quilty or burdened. does your sister tend to blow things out of proportion? Wishing you well these things are hard.
I had midwives for all of my births, although they didn’t deliver the last 2, which were sections. Doulas were not really in vogue then and, in all honesty, my H was really terrific. I should hire him out as a doula. I think that if your D has an H who is not fully supportive and capable of assisting with her needs in the labor, that a doula might not be a bad idea. I have heard that they may be covered somewhat nowadays.
However, I am VERY opposed to home births. We though about one for our oldest. I was in good health and having an okay pregnancy. Ultimately, after doing a ton of research, we opted for a midwife birth in a hospital. Thank goodness we did because I developed complications in labor and the outcome could have been very bad if we had been at home.
My extremely new age-y sister-in-law coaches women on living healthy lives and does a lot of good. She is skeptical about conventional medicine and told us she was going to deliver her first child at home with a midwife. Because her beliefs about food, medicine, technology, capitalism tend to be almost religious, I tread lightly on suggesting alternative paths but, in this case, I suggested that she consider doing it with a midwife at a hospital – and that we’d had a fabulously cushy experience at one of the major teaching hospitals – because I think data is pretty clear. I think the idea of a hospital was too unnatural for her. Unfortunately, the birth went badly and they had to rush her to a hospital for an emergency C-section. Very risky for her and her son, though fortunately all worked well. Her next child was delivered in the hospital.
Your SIL’s experience is exactly why I chose a midwife delivery in a hospital setting. To me, it’s the best of all worlds. With my youngest son, I tried a VBAC. The midwife set up an IV as soon as I walked into the hospital. Then, because she thought I looked too pale, she called the obgyn to come in. This decision probably saved my life and that of my son. I ruptured and began bleeding out. If the doctor hadn’t already been there, it might have been too late. If I had been at home, or even in a freestanding birthing center, I’d probably be dead and so might my son.
D never planned a home birth. She had planned a midwife at a hospital but just changed to an OB.
She wanted a water birth but has given that up, also. She became frustrated that the midwife would
refer her to her medical doctor whenever she has a question. The OB can answer her questions and as
she is moving has decided to change.
I had a friend in 1979 who was very disappointed that her midwife home birth turned into a nightmare
hospita C-section. She never let it go–biggest disappointment of her life. I made up my mind that I wanted
a healthy baby and it did not matter to me at all when she was breech and I had a C-section.
Not saying I’m a fan of home births either. Was just wondering. My D would not be here if she had been born at home. Well that couldn’t have happened since I had a C-section but you get the drift. She was born quite ill and spent 13 days in the NICU. Good thing I gave birth at the best hospital in our area. Even there they told us the first 48 hours it was sketchy on if she would make it or not. She’s always been a fighter.
My sister had her second child at home, with a midwife. Quite a few years later, she was pregnant at 40, and had moved into a state where midwifery was not legal. She still wanted a home birth with a midwife. At 38 weeks, something went wrong. The midwife didn’t answer her phone, nor did the backup. That saved her life. The baby had passed away but they saved my sister’s life at the ER. That baby and my youngest would have been 2 weeks apart.
Our neighbor of 27 years, a salt-of-the-earth Irish-American lady died a few days ago. We went to her wake yesterday – neither ShawWife nor I had ever been to an open-coffin wake – and today, ShawWife delivered the eulogy at the funeral service. I’d never been to a mass before. Interest. Weird stuff, but probably no weirder than a Jewish service. The program listed a person as the Cantor and he sang a bunch of hymns. I didn’t know that there were cantors other than in synagogues. Also, he would raise his hand/hands to indicate that the congregation should join in, but there was not much coming back.
They have been great neighbors and the husband will be a little lost. They were never big talkers – they spent their time doing chores all day long whether or not they needed to be done. But, they had/have great hearts. Interesting that ShawWife and not the two daughters gave the eulogy (which I helped her write). The husband, who is hard of hearing, couldn’t hear it so he’d like a written copy.
shaw, nice that your wife was asked.
I went to 9 open casket funerals between the ages of 9-11. We often kissed the face of the person as a goodby.
I definitely affected my view on death but not in a bad way necessarily.
Years ago a funeral director told me that they do not do open caskets here for the public–just immediate
family if desired. Also said that was a Midwest thing.
Oregon and it was 1980. Surprised me.not sure what denomination. The open caskets were all in Indiana and Catholic. My husband has not gone to viewings with open caskets
When my aunt died young at 35 the casket was open in their living room . The kids bedroom was
right above it. I was 9 and told to dust the room by myself. It is quite the memory–dusting around an
Open casket. This was in Ohio. Wailing and crying. Netting all over the casket. After the screaming
at the cemetery everyone stopped wailing. Dinner and laughter and stories for hours,
Italian family. Food was amazing.
I’ve been to a lot of open casket services, I in Illinois, Indiana and Texas. I have attended my Presbyterian church for almost 30 years and no open casket services. I wonder if that is just the custom in my particular church? Lots in other venues, however.
I am Methodist . The viewings in advance have often been open casket but the casket has been closed before the funeral or memorial service begins. Same with other Protestant and Catholic services I’ve been to, if I recall correctly . Lots of open caskets though over the years. I might prefer to just be cremated!
Jews don’t do open casket funerals. The family can have a private viewing but no open casket.
The first open casket I went to was when my oldest son was about 6 months. It was an older Italian woman who decided to light a cigarette in her oxygen tent at the hospital. Needless to say, there was an explosion. Anyway, as I walked up to the casket, I overheard two women talking. Woman 1: What a tragedy. Woman 2: Yes, so sad, but look how they fixed her up for her funeral. Woman 2: You’re right, I have to say, she’s never looked better!
Second open casket was the dad of a work friend. A group of us who had met his mom before went. Mom greeted us, walked us to the casket and then said: Doesn’t X (our colleague) look just like his father? To which one of my friends whispered in my ear: "“Yeah, except X is breathing!”
Last story - MIL’s neighbor and long time friend passed away. Since MIL was our babysitter for that type of thing, we had to take the then 3 year old with us to the wake. I was seated in the very back discreetly nursing my infant. H was supposed to be watching the older boy. Imagine my horror when I looked up and saw my son standing on the kneeler. All of a sudden, he turned around and in his very high pitched tiny boy big voice said: “I don’t understand how Mr. X can sleep with all this noise going on!” The place erupted in laughter.
I’ve never seen my twitter feed so dominated by a single issue as the detention of immigrant children. The only segments of twitter that I follow that provide relief from that horror are WNBA and the College World Series. (If I was into the World Cup, I’m sure there would be tweets about that, too.)
Congrats to Shaw wife she is lovely and so incredibly gifted.
We are going to London soonish. Looking forward to it.
Now that my MRI is goodish. I will look in earnest for a job. I am not very happy where I am.
BIL called looking for a ENT surgeon. mass at the back of his throat. I am rather fond of him. He is married to my H’s sister (she can be a trip) she lost H1 to esophageal cancer at age 38. I am hoping it has another explanation. He hasn’t had a biopsy yet. Please send good MoJO. I went through this with one of my best friends she really suffered. Anyway sorry to be a bummer. Did CCB BIL have something similar?
I am getting over a horrible virus. fever body aches etc… I think that’s why I am Debbie downer.
I never knew that there were closed caskets unless the body was in bad shape. I always hated it, and the comments. “Doesn’t she/he look good” good grief they are DEAD, I told my H I did not want a wake. memorial service only close friends and family. Then cremation .I don’t like when they wheel the ashes down the aisle either. I must be weird. LOL
I envy you all with your concrete opinions All I know is I don’t like anything in our world politically. I am so sick of manipulation of the news, leading people around like sheep, and doing things for political gain while people suffer. People are not dice on a monopoly board.
She was born quite ill and spent 13 days in the NICU. Good thing I gave birth at the best hospital in our area. Even there they told us the first 48 hours it was sketchy on if she would make it or not. She’s always been a fighter.