@bethy1 Maybe our experience could help. Our D21 has anxiety, and sounds similar. She has always felt everything intensely and I was very worried about how she would handle setbacks when she went away to school. I really didn’t think she was ready, yet her freshman year went remarkably well.
Things that helped:
Texting was a great way for me to communicate with her. She texted a ton, about seemingly every challenge. But because it wasn’t in-person, I could answer more compassionately and without going on the roller coaster ride with her. I think it helped her to have calm, supportive answers from me without an emotional reaction or judgement.
The writing center and other student tutoring programs at her school are great.
Friends. The friends she has made in college are far more mature, stable, and supportive than most of her high school friends. Our high school is one of those competitive ones with a lot of pressure to get into prestigious colleges. D21 does better outside of that environment. Her college roommate/hall mates are smart and serious students but they don’t compare or compete with each other, and they don’t humble-brag.
She saw her therapist virtually once a week. I wanted to make it once every two weeks but she resisted and I relented. I do think it helped her power through things because she knew there would be a chance to discuss it later with her therapist.
It hasn’t been all smooth sailing, but she has come so far and I hope the same will happen for your D!
Bless you for this! Every time I get mired in doubt I remind myself that we/she have to at least TRY by making sure she has options next fall. From a mental health standpoint it would likely be just as detrimental for her to stay home after HS graduation. She can try to go away to school - she really really wants to - and if it doesn’t work out then we cross that bridge then.
I keep thinking that getting away and making a fresh start might be the very best thing for her.
I think each kid needs to be looked at differently. Some kids have adhd, executive function difficulties, chronic or temporary mental health issues, etc., or are just simply overwhelmed by the application process and the feeling of the weight it has in their lives. It doesn’t mean they should suffer for it or shouldn’t get some reasonable support to get through it so that their futures won’t be negatively impacted.
My niece and nephew both had really rough upbringings and came to live with my mom. They both had adhd and emotional baggage and the college application process was overwhelming for them. They were both mediocre students in high school, but they both had incredible potential that needed time and support to develop. My mom took over a lot of the application process including proofreading and polishing their essay drafts, but not writing them. Without her assistance, who knows where they’d be. My niece has now worked for ten years as an elementary school teacher where she is appreciated and loved by her coworkers, her students, and their parents. My nephew is now in college where his is independent and thriving. At the time, I questioned how much my mom was helping but what she did changed their lives and opened up opportunities they could have never been able to manage on their own.
My oldest has a learning disability and I also coached her through the application process. She was one of the first in her cohort that obtained licensing in her profession, became fully employed, and landed a great job 1,000 miles away.
My second got a concussion in October of senior year before submitting a single application. She was mentally foggy and depressed for most of that year. She did her applications on her own but only with me hounding her…and making sure she completed the application for a certain school she did not care a whit about. She wound up there with a scholarship that exceeded tuition and then became an RA, so that for two years she was paid to go to college. She graduated summa cum laude without loans.
I am all for meeting kids where they are at and giving them help with the application process. I would stop short of doing the application for them or writing their essays, or pushing them toward a college that is above their ability to succeed at on their own.
@AustenNut recently started a thread that I wished I remembered the name of, but it had to do with what you’d pay more for vs just taking the least expensive option. I hope I’m remembering that somewhat correctly. I have been thinking that a fresh start is something I would pay more for.
I also struggle knowing my D23 would probably do better having a gap year but only if it were an exciting program of some kind away from here. I think being at home or in our area would be too much of an extension of pandemic restrictions which would be the absolute worst thing for her.
Your insight is truly invaluable. I so appreciate the encouragement. My aim is to keep as many options for her open as reasonably possible - you never know what can happen over the course of the next year, either.
One of my many back up plans for D23 is a gap year but I agree it would have to still be away from home if at all possible and doing something really compelling. For my D23 school is actually her favorite thing and place to be in this world so my gut tells me college would be ideal in her case. It has to be the right fit (and she needs to get past the prestige mindset.)
Hello all, second and last kid applying to college. He has a 504 and struggled a bit early on and is a big uneven student but gets better every year. He did fairly well on SAT w/ 1400. GPA is around 3.7. Not sure what he is interested in…data science, accounting, Econ, pol science–no idea. Could use some extra support. So far he is interested in Gustavus Adolphus, St. Olaf, Trinity in TX. We have a fairly high EFC so some merit would be most welcome. Open for suggestions…not sure if his profile and being male will help him at more competitive schools or if he should stay in the safer ranges. Hoping to share the journey.
Any particular region you are looking at? Sounds like he prefers smaller LAC schools, College of Wooster could be a potential fit and they give really good merit.
We just visited St. Olaf. It seems like the kind of place a kid would have the support to figure out what they want to do. I asked how recent a neuropsych needed to be and they told me “at any point in their education” and they seemed really open with accommodations. I got the sense that they were all about building relationships and helping students reach their potential.
@infoseeker35
We also went to St. Olaf and had a terrific visit; welcoming campus and friendly students and staff everywhere we went, I also had the sense that they were focusing on supporting students:
St. Olaf: WOW. We had a terrific guide who was engaging, thoughtful, and took the time to reflect and answer all of our questions as we walked. They spoke about different student’s experiences and perspectives in addition to their own. When S and I had a question about Great Conversations and the role of religion at Olaf while we were coming to the end of our time, he offered to stay and wait for us to finish our final information session so that we could chat further.
*Adding in clarifying info on that question: We are not religious ourselves, and while I had read a great deal about how ~45% of students at Olaf are not affiliated with any religion, it was important to me to both suss out if there was any sort of social division between students who are religious and those that aren’t, and while I knew (on paper) that the branch of Lutherans at Olaf was one that had both women and LGBT pastors, I wanted to ensure that there wasn’t any quiet bigotry. We are not anti-religion! But we will not financially support any institution e.g. in which their religion “tolerates” LGBT folks or reproductive health care, but also says those people are going to hell.
Our tour guide was gay (and not religious themselves), and thanked me for asking the question about bigotry and “tolerance,” and we went on to have a really lovely and detailed conversation about faith and religion at Olaf and I left our discussion confident that Olaf would be a terrific place for my student.
Campus was terrific, and we were visiting on an absolutely frigid day (an unseasonable storm was blowing through), and from a Mom perspective I noticed how every building we entered and walked through was full of natural light from the large windows (and two and three story windows were quite common in many buildings). There were nooks to gather in nearly every building to study or chat in front of windows, and I felt that if I was stuck inside in a freezing Midwest winter, I wouldn’t be stuck inside dim rooms - the natural light indoors was a tonic.
Perhaps a small thing, but as we went through the dining hall our guide explained that backpacks are left outside the hall as the expectation is that students eat and talk together, not do their work during meals. And when we came back through to eat lunch in the dining hall later we certainly saw that: 95% of the kids were deep in conversation, chatting and laughing and there wasn’t a laptop in sight.
My kid really enjoyed St. Olaf and could see themselves in that community.