Parents: what do you wish you knew when your child was 5?

Parents Forum
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Yes.
All that money spent on club sports that those who can afford it spend, would have been so much better spent on other things - ways to spend fun times together and 529 or other savings.

Best investment: fake swords made of foam (// pool noodles). Cheap, hours of entertainment alone, with friends, with adults willing to play “Pirates v. Knights”, no risk of harm. Note that you can add superpowers or pirates can also be scientists who invent cures for wounds.

Reading “Spinning” by Tilda Walden (? not sure of the author’s name) could be a good move for the parent of a girl 5-10 since the main character/author’s story begins when she’s roughly 11 and has moved from CT to TX. I kept thinking “what would I do as a parent?”
Then there is the story in Inside Out, where hockey has a key stabilizing role when the daughter moves from MN to CA. :slight_smile:

There IS one thing (beside finding out what the no cut sports are): find out if there’s tracking in your school system and how it works. If your child can start x math class in the 7th grade but doesn’t, what happens in the 8th grade, is there no do-over or can she switch back onto that track? How does one get into the xmath class (could be algebra or pre-algebra)? What about foreign language?
Be careful not to discuss this in front of your daughter and don’t push for all the “fast tracks” possible.

Some parents are super stressed about courses and think piling up APs is the way to go, even though Adcoms will frankly say it’s not. So, find the right balance of challenge and support. Selective colleges want to know if a student can do the work. Once that basic cut is made, they want to know whether the applicant has made a difference, had a positive impact on their school, their community, their environment, whether they’ll be involved on campus or will sit in their room, if they’re interesting, etc. Basically, letting your child develop into the unique person she can be is the best way to help.
To reassure you, selective colleges expect successful students to end high school with:

  • Math through precalculus (or Calculus)
  • Foreign language through level 4 (or AP)
    Because those are sequential, those are the trickiest, as they require you to know when the first “level” is so that you’re not behind, but basically it’d mean starting in the 8th grade with Algebra and Foreign language 1 (or 1a) OR taking Algebra1 in the 9th grade+Geometry&Algebra2 in the 10th, and foreign language starting in the 9th grade goes to Level 4 if you take it every year of high school. However starting algebra 1 and foreign language 1 after the 9th grade would make meeting these expectations difficult.
  • 4 years of English, preferably Honors (AP English Language is common)
  • 4 years of Social Science/history, preferably Honors (including, if possible, 1 from APUSH or AP World or AP Euro)
  • Biology and Chemistry, Physics Honors or AP Physics 1 + one more science class
    That’s it.
    So, academically, as long as your daughter is on track for this, she’s good for all colleges in the country.

Another important aspect: SLEEP matters.
Don’t compromise on sleep time.

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Chess is great during Covid because you can learn, play, practice, compete entirely online.

One of the best ways to improve is to study your own mistakes, focusing on the games you lost. This is so hard for everyone, especially young kids. Who wants to revisit how they screwed up and lost their queen?? But once you get in this habit, where you say “OK I messed up, that is OK, what can I learn from it?” – that’s actually teaching resillience. And resillience is a life skill you can apply to everything.

Then the other thing is, chess teaches you to sit, focus and remain calm for a long time during high-pressure situations. Useful for all sorts of things, including standardized or competitive tests.

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Each kid is different. Provide her with opportunities so she can develop and pursuit her own interests. Help her figure out her own relative strengths. Don’t even think about colleges at this stage. If her pursuit doesn’t lead to a tippy top college, so be it. A successful life isn’t defined by one’s college. Life is a long journey, however important a college education is on that journey.

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No online for now… Lol… The idea is to get them away from the computer, TV etc… Lol… Nothing beats a tactile set to play but agree with everything else. It’s amazing how kids learn.

Great book since every kid wants to beat their parents.

https://www.amazon.com/How-Beat-Your-Chess-Gambit/dp/1901983056

Plus learn a language. Kids learn so easy when their young!!

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A thought - we are giving advice for what worked 15 years ago. Your daughter is growing up into a world that will be profoundly different in 15 years from now in ways we don’t know.

Anything you can do to give your daughter flexibility, options and independence, do it. There is only so much planning you can do.

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My older 2 are about to graduate from selective schools, one from grad school and one from undergrad. The youngest is away at a specialized school for his EC which he plans to pursue a career in.

The mandatory EC was swimming, as other posters have mentioned. When they were 5-8 years old, we tried out different extracurriculars, but at least one was music related and at least one was movement related. I let them choose what those ECs were. When he was about 5, youngest ds saw his much older sibling doing an EC and asked if he could do it too. That EC is now going to be his career. But, he didn’t figure that that was what he wanted to do until he was in high school.

I don’t regret signing any of my kids up for any ECs. If they stunk at it, we just moved on to something else. Each year, I gave them choices. If they liked something they had done the previous year, we continued with it the following year.

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We regret worrying too much about the things that we should/could have known were insignificant (like, she doesn’t want to do anything with soccer, her peers are all into it - does it ruin her chances?)
There is a huge “parental worry industry” - from all these Mozart tapes for newborns to college admission consultants. We avoided most of them but regret falling for some.
I won’t repeat remarks about the importance of languages and music (ECs that actually got her into a single-digit-acceptance-rate college of her dreams) but I would add traveling the world - specifically in a way that makes it a real adventure, not some pre-packaged “Europe in 10 days” nonsense. And get the kid gradually involved in planning - studying the nature and culture of places where you go.

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Actually, I can easily say the money spent on DD’s club sport was well worth the investment. The skills and life lessons she learned, plus getting to travel to other states with her teammates and family are experiences that will stay with her for a lifetime. She’s learned how to be a team player, how to face adversity, and how to be a part of something that is bigger than herself. She learned how to balance her academics with extracurriculars, and learned invaluable time management skills. She also leaned to give back to the community by developing a skill she could teach to other young players in our local rec program as a volunteer. It was something she enjoyed doing and was good at. We never viewed it as a scholarship opportunity, but it sure did open up huge doors for her in the end. I will never regret the money we spent on her sport.

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49

Get them outside.

Get them muddy, sandy, wet (see swim lessons, mandatory). Get them into nature, let them swim rivers, lakes, oceans, climb trees, climb rocks, throw sticks, build cabins. If it’s the only way, playgrounds, sports fields, ski hills will have to do. But keep them away from the electronics as long as you can.

At some point, we will all be shut up in a room in front of a screen. It’s horrible. I wish I could stop it, I wish I would have tried harder before Covid. I wish my husband and I were more outdoorsy people so we could drag the kids out more.

(Forget “modelling” for your kids, as in “kids will read if they see you read, they will exercise if they see you exercise” - unless all these studies have been replicated with adoptive families, all they can tell you is that kids resemble their biological parents. Duh.)

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@sfodad

Most of what I did or wished I had done has been expressed upthread but for me the most important were:

  1. Limit screen time
  2. Read aloud regularly until they rebel. My kids enjoyed this long after they could read on their own.
  3. I wanted my kids to do one physical activity and one intellectual/creative/arts/music activity, their choice, and it could and did change over time according to their interests. Your kid might hone in on something early and stick with it or might experiment with and enjoy many.
  4. Beyond those two activities, allow lots of unstructured time.
  5. Support the development of friendships and play dates
  6. I regret that I did not instill positive attitudes and habits about chores as @lmhh24 did!
  7. Sleep, yes; family meals, yes; save early and often, yes.
  8. Put this concern aside for at least five years and enjoy this time. It will pass more quickly than you think.
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@Vertigo75 - it sounds like your family did a club sport for all the right reasons. It was something your daughter wanted to do and she enjoyed it for what it was in the moment. That sounds fantastic!

The distinction for me is that many families are sold a bill of goods that club sports are a means to an end. They sacrifice money they cannot afford, risk career-ending injuries to growing bodies, and the kids don’t truly enjoy it. Such a small percentage of club kids get scholarships or even play in college. The industry that has blossomed off of parents fears that their kid won’t get into college without a decade of year-round private lessons and tournaments seems predatory to me. It is very seductive for parents.

I also think it is a shame that local rec programs get drained of kids because they aren’t perceived as serious enough. The rec sports were a huge part of my kid’s early elementary years and a great community, and then athletes started disappearing. By the time he was 10, kids were specialists, playing one sport year round on private teams. In the spirit of “what did I wish someone told me when my kid was 5”, I say this just so OP can make an informed decision about sports with his eyes wide open.

But I totally get what you are saying and see the value of club sports if it is something the kid wants and the family can afford it. For the right kid, it is amazing.

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Thank you. Dd actually didn’t join a “club” team until she could no longer play for her rec team (aged out as there were no teams past 12U). To this day she still plays two other sports in high school, just not at the club level.

Does every kid have to play a sport? Absolutely not. There are many other activities which are more conducive to other kids’ personalities and abilities, as well as the families’ level of involvement and ability to pay (our club team does assist players who are unable to pay full cost). However, I do believe club sports can teach valuable lessons and can be well worth the investment. They can teach a lot of the same skills that are highly sought after by future employers.

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53

My S started kindergarten 2 weeks before his 5th birthday. He did fine and is successful, but in retrospect I would have waited a year for kindergarten. He would have seemed more advanced in academics and sports and wouldn’t have always been the youngest in his class.

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Just an FYI, my response was directed at the poster who claimed that my (general my) money could have been better spent on something other than a club sport.

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Wish I had known:
How fast the time would fly.

What we did well as parents:
Lived in a small supportive community
Volunteered a lot
Never worried about a messy house ( art, projects all of it was encouraged)
Encouraged our kids to read, fall down, try new things. Never focused on perfection. Focused on nature and being together as a family.
Talked to our kids a lot. Not only about friends but society, politics, science, choices all of it. The first conversation often sets the tone.
Making sure our kids volunteered from an early age.
Put the kids before my job( I work for myself so this was possible).
Let them lose ( a game, a tournament, a prize, a contest).
Made sure kids knew our views concerning religion, spirituality, kindness and morality.
Taught them to swim( safety), ski, golf, ride a bike and all the rest.

What pitfalls we avoided:
Keeping our kids in the wrong school ( wasn’t challenging)they stayed a few years too many.
Watching television. TV just happened to be in another part of the house. They did watch some movies.
Letting our kids be impressed by money and expensive things.
Talking to kids early about sex, drugs, and inappropriate behavior. This stuff comes up quick.

What I didn’t know:
Your child is not you. I have a kid who is great in math. Our kids talents differ from our own. Figure out what is YOUR passion and what is your child’s let them lead.
There are tons of kids who have stronger talent than your kid let your kid find out what they are good in and don’t overpraise.
Don’t make a kid do something they are great at but don’t like. Sometimes skill and interest are not aligned.

What I would change:
Remove myself and my kids from kids who were toxic ( very few but they just became worse).
Pay attention to the school environment (not curriculum).
Do less Summer camps and more family trips.
Avoid the club team conundrum. Even if the kid is good at a sport, is it likely they need a club team and will play in college? ( Do the math, it breaks out even) So glad my kid quit club sport.
Camp out more ( even if it’s in the backyard).

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Your child clearly liked to play, was good at it, and it wasn’t a financial hardship. It’s good for your family and I’d say your child was likely a “natural athlete”. So it was good for you. Yet I’m not sure it’d have been wise to plan this when your child was 5 then act in consequence, as if it was a foregone conclusion, as is too often the case. :frowning:
(I was replying wrt the original question, ie., the 5-year old parent wondering about summer camps, sports, etc., not to yours specifically. :slight_smile: )

SO MANY parents are in it for the wrong reasons and push the child into just one sport very early on, often due to misunderstood college expectations!
In the college admissions game, those represent so many student-athletes from upper middle class families, it’s dispiriting. So much time, so much money, “to get an edge for -a very selective- college”, sometimes since the child was very small.
The point (having fun, exercising, honing a skill) has disappeared. All the family travel becomes about the travel team. All the college talk becomes about the sport. Summers become camps. There may be a private coach. Amounts that would be so much better spent on college savings and family trips go to the one sport. It all becomes a vicious circle: we invested too much, it has to pay off. You have to do more so that it pays off, so we invest more to give you/us an edge, etc. And in this situation the child can’t quit (unless the parents are so tapped out they are relieved all their savings won’t have to go to the sport anymore.) It becomes toxic but it’s not obvious to the family because they’ve invested so much into it.
I’m sure you’ve seen it and it must have been as dispiriting to you as it is to some of us who have encountered the phenomenon.

Rec leagues, no cut teams, school sports also teach time management, team spirit, persistence, etc. and families can travel without travel teams.
Sports can also mean stability, fellowship, a sense of belonging, excitement - I’m not against sports but against a tendency to “track” a child for a sport.

For an elite athlete, club sports are the right way to develop skills at the appropriate level, just like some kids really enjoy precalculus in the 9th grade or AMC8 clubs, but most kids aren’t elite by definition and can’t be competitive in everything. And that’s totally okay. You don’t even need to be “competitive” for college: you can make a difference and it’ll matter more to the college than being the umpteenth applicant who can play z sport.
If a kindergartner is a natural on skates since age 3 (not that uncommon in, say, MN or WI) let her have fun with it. But it’s very hard for parents not to think of the Olympics :slight_smile: :slight_smile:
For a 5-year old, rec sports should be okay, many different sports, just for the sheer joy of running/jumping/gliding/improving/doing things with others.
Don’t forget orienteering, kayaking, boating, sandcastle building, trampolines, bocce, badminton, croquet, yoga, rhythmic gymnastics, marbles, archery, rock climbing! Even circus accrobatics can be a wonderful way to combine movement and creativity.

If the child is a “natural athlete”, that’ll be evident very quickly, and whether she can and wants to continue on this path doesn’t have to be decided until she’s 10 or 11.
It’s rare that a “natural athlete” doesn’t find the proper outlet. It’s more common that a proud parent doesn’t see their child isn’t one in a million at soccer or volleyball.
So, for a 5-year old, I really think it’s important not to be on the “club sports or bust” team.

For the original parent: I’m basing this not just on “adcom wisdom” sorta, but also on a study conducted by a grad student (Clemson, I think.)

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Exactly, and not sure how or why my post was taken out of context. If you read my initial reply in this thread, you would see that my dd started out in dance and karate, not her club sport. She didn’t start that until age 13.

I just mentioned what we did as a way to introduce activities at an early age. I stated earlier that we weren’t even thinking about college at age 5.

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I agree to let kids be kids. Only thing I think many parents overlook is how expensive college is. Figure out how much your state school is today, find a calculator to figure out how much you will need to save in order for your child to attend in 12 years and start saving!

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  • Takes lots of photos & videos as they grow so fast, in a blink of an eye;

  • open up a 529 college savings plan on Monday (if you don’t have one already);

  • let your kids do lots of different activities and they will find what they are good at;

  • let your kids explore, challenge themselves, and take risks. It’s ok they are going to get minor bumps and bruises, have hurt feelings and will “fail” at times. It’s part of the learning process.

  • lastly, Identify any learning disabilities early and address them quickly as it’s a lot more manageable that way. My son wasn’t diagnosed with executive function issues until he was 12 years old but looking back there were many signs that we didn’t pick up on as he was able to compensate for them and “fake it” for years until around 7th grade.

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Our kids did activities so that we can have enjoyable family vacations together: swimming, skiing, lots of hiking outdoors. Those also make for terrific hobbies which they now do with their friends, and which make them happy. We also taught them how to speak and read in our native language which is not English.
I am ambivalent about starting a music instrument (and definitely not that early), unless the kid is naturally gifted and highly motivated. The problem with playing an instrument is that it needs practicing daily. It is very difficult to make a young, and not so young kid practice, and it can put a strain in your relationship. On the other hand, once the kid start the instrument, it gives a bad example if you just allow them to quit when the going gets tough.
My daughter played piano for 10 years. For more than half of those, I needed to nag her to practice. When she entered high school, she was so busy with other things, that I told her to quit the piano. At this point, however, she had invested so much that she did not want to quit. So, she kept playing, did the whole Certificate of Merit program, and it was OK. Since she went to college, she never ever played the piano again. Piano shaped her character but was not an internal need.
With my son, I decided that he will not play an instrument unless he request it himself. He did not. He was much too happy and busy playing a team sport. FWIW, both my kids got accepted to tippy top colleges.