I’m so sorry! We had a similar experience with one of our 17 year olds, unfortunately due to making some very poor choices this summer, hanging with the wrong crowd, way too much free time… my husband and I had several arguments over the situation until my son had a complete psychotic episode lasting three days which he couldn’t recover from. The next three months were absolute hell, never cried so much in my life. Where did my smart, funny, athletic great kid go? Fortunately with the help of a great psychiatrist, medication, and a therapist, we got him back. His psychiatrist only medicated him to get him through virtual school, because of the reason he experienced his mental breakdown, he strongly believed the condition was temporary. It was hard on his siblings, as well, especially his twin sister. Your post really resonated with me, brought those feelings right back to the surface. Prayers to your family, it was my lowest, scariest time as a parent.
Mine is proficient in 2 foreign languages, one of which is a very difficult critical language. And she learned both older. That doesn’t change the fact that it’s much harder for people to learn languages as they get older. That’s not a knock on your parenting choices.
Brainstorm with them what they would like to try, include them in the discussion. I always like to tell the story how my daughter tried soccer (she let the ball pass by her and cheered her pals on instead), ballet (she hated the tights and I hated doing her bun as I stink at hair), ice skating (too cold), gymnastics (just ok). Then in 3rd grade she said she wanted to do karate. Karate? Really? I gave that one 2 months but it stuck all these years. She is now a third degree black belt, teaches classes and has a part time job in the karate studio. She also dabbled in theatre but ultimately found that she loves being back stage. So, just be opened and let your child take the lead and they will find their passions. They will probably be different then what you expect at age 5. Also, open a 529 account and SAVE over time, it makes a difference. Enjoy these years, the days go by slowly but the years go by very fast. All the best.
@tigerle
Ahh. “all they can tell you is that kids resemble their biological parents” I now think you meant physically resemble. Ok.
As for foreign language, no one’s saying it must be (or can only be) at a younger age or that you must endure some horrible class. There are many ways to teach FL and you find what works for your kid.
Because this thread is about a 5 year old, I mentioned how facile many little kids are, with FL.
Great advice here, to which I’ll add one thing:
Family dinners. There is very little which teaches a child about healthy family dynamics as having a family meal every single day. Unless it is a very large group (like a 25 person TG dinner), no “children’s table”. Kids should be used to sitting at the table, and socializing with others.
Moreover, dinner time is a great time to talk over the day, check in with each other, learn about what your kid has been doing, and for your kid to know what you are doing.
As soon as possible have the kids participate - from setting and clearing the table to helping with food preparation.
Of course, age should be taken into consideration - a 5 year old will not be able to sit for more than 20 minutes or so at a time, and utensils take time to learn. A 5 year old should likely not be given a 6" knife to cut the tomatoes either.
Still, meals are a central part of a healthy family life, and it is never too early to have kids participate.
PS. Taking toddlers and young children to restaurants is also OK, but two things to remember - it is best for everybody’s sake to have a table near the entrance, or, even better, near the kitchen. Not only are these areas not good for other diners who would want more quiet, but the entrance allows you to take the kid out for some active time, and it is noisy and things happen around the kitchen.
Dining together was another piece of great advice we got. And they alternated who’d help with prep and set the table vs who’d clear, rinse, load the dishwasher. The finite time for each made it easier for compliance.
On weekends, they had what we called the “15 minute Saturday job.” Again, the finite time made cooperation easier. A choice: tidy the 2nd floor bath or tackle the 1st floor. If they had friends visiting, we just threw them into the process, too, with good will and laughter.
But at restaurants, Lol, we had to be located near the rest rooms.
I guess the point here is you tink about what and how and make it work. Small chunks of time can work well.
OP- Unless you have older kids, what I remember when my kids were 5 is that thinking about activities as they relate to college was the farthest thing on our radar. No need to be on a college site at this point. Let your kid hav fun, play in the dirt and explore lots of things.
Your child may have a learning issue that affects their educational pathway. Your child may turn out to have career interests that do not require a university-level degree. Do not focus on getting ready for college. Focus on helping this child grow to be their own best possible self.
There are some trains that leave the station around age five. High level competitive gymnastics and violin are examples I can think of. But those will have an impact on college admission for a minuscule number of kids.
I do not agree on the time window for foreign language. 5 year olds in immersion programs may have a better accent later, but only if they have a good ear and facility in imitation. Even children who grow up fully bilingual, with two languages spoken in the home by native speakers and sometimes outside, often have an accent. And some people who learn a foreign language first at the age of twenty may not have any, because they are very musical and have a facility with imitation that makes them naturals.
5 year olds learning a language learn it at the level of 5 year olds. They will have to keep at it all through school in order to achieve a level sufficient to work or study in that language. Otherwise they will just forget again.
Once children have acquired a solid grounding of literacy, vocabulary and grammar in their native language (and a vocabulary for the grammar), foreign language learning takes off so fast, that it’s really a waste of time (that would be better spent on the grounding in the native language) to start earlier. That might be anywhere between 3rd and 7th grade. Agree high school is rather late.
@sfodad, are you still in the room?
I’d love to know what YOU are takin away from all this!
I’m with the earlier is better group for FL, but it doesn’t mean one can’t try to learn one later and do well:
If I recall correctly (aka, not in the article - recalled from a development of the physical brain show), once one has learned even a little bit of a second language before puberty they develop the part of the brain that processes languages better making it easier for them at any time later in life to do so with any language. This may be why my youngest is superb with learning languages. For a year or two mine did French lessons with a tutor from Cameroon, but his brain was the most malleable for it age-wise. It is one thing I wish I had started earlier for them all.
I don’t think we’re talking about perfect FL skills at 5 or 6. Also, if we’re saying don’t push to a child to competitive level at a tender age, same can apply to our approach here. It’s about fun, exposure, some expansion. Imo. Light.
Play games with your kids at 5. Candy Land is just as acceptable as chess. It’s not only fun but teaches how to win and lose gracefully (well, we try!)
Know your kids friends and parents. Peer pressure is a real thing. Don’t be afraid to put a stop to bad friendships.
Eat dinner together. It’s the real time to connect as a family. Outside sports, clubs, etc. will demolish this. Everyone eating on their own to get somewhere is not acceptable.
Know your kids teachers. Make sure your child has the best.
Listen to your kid no matter the age.
@tigerle - " There are some trains that leave the station around age five. High level competitive gymnastics and violin are examples I can think of. But those will have an impact on college admission for a minuscule number of kids."
Can you expand on the sports/music instruments that needs to be started at early age?
LeBron James’ son is probably going to the NBA and he probably started very young. But, my kid is not going to the NBA no matter what I do or he does or what age they start.
National and world competitors often start young. But the vast majority of kids that start young will not end up at the national or world level.
Yeah, that’s kinda my point. (;
Not really, I’m afraid - those are just the pursuits I am familiar with.
Generally, anything that requires a very high level of physical skill development will require you to start very young. I suppose ballet and figure skating are probably like that as well. There are exceptions, but it will usually turn out that the Olympic gymnast who started gymnastics at age 12 was a dancer before, or that the dancer who started dance in high school was a gymnast.
Rowing, on the other hand, is a low skill sport that any athlete can start at any time and reach proficiency - then it’s about your height, and your ability to kill yourself.
With brass instruments and the bigger woodwinds, it’s normal to start no sooner than 11. It’s about permanent teeth growing in, not something you can accelerate. But for the violin, that’s very very late and almost impossible to catch up in time for conservatory auditions.
So, if you suspect your child of harbouring some serious talent in those departments and want them to retain the chance at pursuing them professionally, yes, 5 is not too early, and later than 7 may be a problem.
Non-negotiable? Swimming lessons until they “passed out” of the highest level. Other than that, we had family dinner every night, Saturday morning “light” chores, read to kids every night before bed until they said they didn’t want us to (which came much later than you might expect – we all have wonderful memories of those story times). Exposure to art and music – museums, concerts, a “kinder musik” type class, art class at the local museum. We listened to all kinds of music in the house, had books everywhere. Limited electronics (increasingly difficult). Traveled in US and abroad. Exposure to “life long” sports, which for us was tennis. As the kids got to 4th grade or so, an instrument of their choice was mandatory, though they could choose to stop it on their schedule. Some sport involvement, we followed their lead and interest, they could choose not to participate when they were no longer interested.
If I had to characterize our parenting, it would be that we tried to focus on experiences rather than activities.
Yes, that’s why that approach doesn’t actually lead to learning the foreign language. Which is hard. Even in immersion, kids typically take many years to catch up to native speakers of their age, and with the majority of their schooling spent on doing it.
There are definitely circumstances in which the expense of energy is worth it (bilingual families, bilingual countries etc.) but some kids can be hurt, too. Even learning your native language to a high level is hard work.
Amen. Our non-athlete (no sports experience whatsoever) started crew in 9th grade, made the varsity team junior year, and his four took the gold in its category at the New York State Championships his sophomore year of college (the year rowers typically peak physically). Crew/athleticism was absolutely the best thing he got out of boarding school.
(This is off topic, but note that you never want to get kicked by a rower. You’d think that rowing would rely on the upper body, but it’s all in the legs. His legs are weapons.)