Solomon’s kids would have been development admits. No funding dilemma there. 
I’ll be frank. That’s typically the case for private or out of state universities. The cap is $27k for student loans. Passing the rest of the money in the form of co-signed loans is a set-up for failure. I’ve seen students come out with 80-100k in loans and watch perfectly good careers get ruined because the salary is not worth the debt, especially when they decide to get married and start a family. If you have to pass on co-signed loans to afford tuition, the school is not affordable and you should really consider more affordable options. Dealing with the headache of going somewhere else is MUCH better than risking career sabotage.
Fair is not always equal, and equal is not always fair. We have 3 children, one of whom has her BA, attended a private LAC, one of whom is slowly working toward an Associates, due to medical conditions, and one who is a rising HS Junior whose dream school is Princeton, but used to have MIT as her #1. When the oldest started we expected 1 year of overlap with the first 2, and both would have graduated when the youngest started. We structured our life on the assumption that we would be paying tuition (at least part of) for 11 years. When we bought the current house we planned our mortgage payments to pay off a year before that first tuition payment, so we wouldn’t have both payments at the same time, then the year without either payment, put it into a money market. We the knew what we could afford out of current salary, and what we had saved in a 529 for her. We then told her the maximum we would pay, and made it clear that was a maximum - she was not entitled to any excess. She was also expected to have skin in the game, so would be expected to cover the student contribution either through a summer job, or loans - her choice - even if our contribution was lower than our limit.
as above - the goal is to help them get a degree, and become self-sufficient. For all you know, the OOS schools might meet full need, and result in a lower expense than in-state. You’ll have to run the net-price calculators and see - then ultimately wait for the aid packages.
Even being able to pay full tuition at any school doesn’t mean my kids are entitled to choose based on their 529s. We make all financial decisions by weighing all of the costs and benefits. College is no exception. There will be considerations as there would be with any 250k+ purchase.
Someone mentioned wedding and down payments for houses, well there is no way I would pay for either. I think learning to manage money is a huge life skill that we want to pass on to our kids. When they told us it costs $10 to pour champagne at our wedding place almost two decades ago, we chose another place. And buying our first house with our own money from bonuses was sweet. We knew what we could afford and we paid our own bills. No way, I would take that away from my kids. At some point they are adults. On the other hand, writing a big check ( that isn’t mentioned before hand) would be a nice gesture. Different strokes I guess.
@Happytimes2001 just to be clear. We will not paying 100% of cost of weddings, down payment on a house, etc but when those life events occur in our children’s lives they might receive a generous gift to mark the occasion. We received such a gift from an unexpected source and it was a much appreciated surprise.
DS actually paid for approximately 1/2 of his college with scholarships. DD may not be as fortunate as such scholarships become increasingly competitive. The 529s will be allocated however necessary to cover college first but the “college” savings that is elsewhere could be gifted at another time. But again, as anyone with multiple kids knows, it is all a moving target until they graduate, so for now it is just wishful thinking on my part.
Our goal is get the 4 kids out of college with as little as debt as possible. Its certainly not going to be equal; One kid already has some subsidized loans – and then grad school will be on top of that.
The year we have just one in college we will be paying quite a bit more as she wont be offered subsidized loans. We will basically keep this info to ourselves, and not really share with the kids, because i could see a little resentment over the equality of it all.
@bgbg4us That seems like a great goal
I don’t see any reason at all to play on sibling rivalries in this matter. The parents are paying for the undergrad degrees. Neither child needs to know about the savings in the 529’s or, for that matter, the value of parents’ general savings accounts and investments.
Our kids entered college at a time when 529 plans were a recent creation. We had cash savings in the bank, plus some money contributions from the grandparents. We never discussed this matter with either of our two kids. We assured them that we would cover the costs of their undergraduate educations; they would be responsible for the costs of any graduate degrees.
They weren’t interested in the costs of attendance or the size of the savings we had, or even how much the grandparents contributed. That was fine with us. They had other things to occupy their minds.
I had no trouble being transparent with my kids about where the money was coming from, COA, etc. Why? Because if one kid needed glasses growing up and the others didn’t, it’s not like the good vision kids got a rebate from us because we didn’t have eye exams, glasses etc. Same with the teeth- the kid who needed braces, AND wisdom teeth extraction got those things taken care of-- with no need to compensate the kids with good teeth.
That’s what it means to be a parent- to try and take care of each kid’s needs, as they need them, to the best of your ability. Is it fair? Of course not. A kid who needs OT and Speech therapy is going to “cost” a lot more than a kid who is developing on the typical path. Do siblings keep score? Not in my house, they didn’t. We did our best to meet each child’s needs, and if that meant that one kid cost a lot more than the others, then it stinks to be a sibling I guess- or not to have been born to billionaires.
I do think that on some of the “extras” parents need to be mindful here (and I don’t consider braces or speech therapy an extra). We know families where one kids hobby gets indulged to a pathological degree and the others get to either tag along or stay home and play videogames with grandma. Whether it’s travel soccer or figure skating or ski racing-- some hobbies just cost a lot of money, and that usually means one sibling is staying in hotels and eating out and having private coaches, and the others are not. I think parents need to make sure that even the kid who isn’t doing a private gymnastics academy is getting to explore an area of interest- maybe not as costly- but surely an “extra”.
The family dynamics once these kids grow up often isn’t pleasant. Little Johnny or Susie won’t go “pro”-- that’s the highly likely scenario- most child athletes do not- which was the parents fantasy and wish (“oh, he’ll pay us back once he’s got his first endorsement contract”) and the siblings feel cheated.
But to compare the costs of tuition for a bachelor’s degree? No. Kids have different needs.
Agree here. We had twins (HS '14, graduated college '18 - yeah!). DS’s schools was a “no loan” school. Got some $$$ for 2-in-at-once, but his tuition was more than DD’s. She took loans (which we plan on helping her pay off) - but she got more merit $$ than him. He won more 1x scholarships coming out of HS ($15k vs. $7k). She studied abroad, he didn’t. It would be impossible to keep a balance sheet over the years. In short, we’ve done our best to support both of them and set them up to be independent adults. DS is off to grad school, but its mostly funded. I’m sure he’ll still require modest subsidizing. DD moved into NYC. Yup, we paid the broker’s fee for the apartment. It all evens out … sort of.
Bottom line: do the best you can within your financial resources to give each of them the best opportunity.
“It would be impossible to keep a balance sheet over the years. In short, we’ve done our best to support both of them and set them up to be independent adults.”
I understand that keeping a balance sheet from the day they are born is impossible. We’ve spent different amounts on our kids for their activities without keeping track. But once the kids are adults, I think fairness (and a significant degree of openness about parents’ finances) is important. So when do you consider your kids to be adults?
I always considered myself an adult from the time I graduated high school and left for college. After that both I and my parents agreed that I wasn’t ever moving back home, just visiting in school vacations (and where I grew up there were no good jobs to move back for anyway). They provided a defined amount of support for college and would lend me money if I needed it later on (e.g. for a house downpayment) but it was on me to pay them back. Same for my brother.
So I look at it similarly with my kids. They are leaving home for college in a couple of weeks, and I don’t expect them to come back (they don’t either - NorCal is far too expensive unless you want to work in tech). They have a 529 plus a defined amount of support per month for the next four years. They decide how to spend it and what they will have left after college for grad school or just getting started in life (since they’ve picked colleges with sufficient scholarships that it will be more than enough for the costs they incur as undergraduates). Anything else is on them. My son is talking about opening a Roth IRA with his summer job earnings, and they both appear happy to take on this level of financial responsibility for their future.
For others it seems the stage of their kids becoming “independent adults” is only reached after they have completed college (and perhaps even later, when they are in a job/after grad school). Is that because “independent” is viewed as requiring them to be self-supporting?
Suppose the parents have two kids, both of whom desire to go to expensive private schools, while the in state publics are just ok fits (but do have good academics in their interests).
Suppose the parents can afford to send both to in state public, or one to in state public and one to expensive private, but not both to expensive private. What should they tell the kids in terms of college cost limits?
@ucbalumnus , Barring special needs, I would advise that family to make the financial support for the kids as equal as possible. Otherwise, you risk creating resentment that divides those kids long after you’re dead.
But if this cost limitation (“we’ll pay for equivalent of in-state public cost” is quite common) was in place before applying and kid 1 gets a scholarship, most people here seem perfectly comfortable with spending that windfall on kid 2’s education. I can think of plenty of ways that might create resentment later on, e.g. if kid 1 wants to go to law school but the parents can’t help with those costs because they spent the money on kid 2.
@Twoin18 Yes, I think your situation is very unusual. I haven’t ever heard of parents paying for education plus giving them living expenses at 18. I think it’s great. Though I would have a small concern they don’t manage the money that well ( due to their age more than anything) and it is wasted. Personally, I love the idea but would hold the money till college graduation. If the student was going right into the work force at 18, then I’d drip feed it or give it to them at 25.
But then again, we when did the will years ago we made the age 30. By then you know who you are and should be on the right path. I think early money saps kids will to get going in their 20s. But it’s really just a personal opinion.
My D is going to private at top of our price range. My S21 is right now, at least, leaning toward public. He’s been fishing a bit around the cost difference and what it might mean. If indeed he ends up at public, we will likely ‘sweeten the pot’ for him but not completely give him the difference in cost. (I should add we have very affordable in-state so difference is 2x.)
It doesn’t have to be even steven if they’re both in right fit schools and it’s not a ‘sacrifice’ to attend the lower cost college. I’ve not said anything to S. yet but we’re thinking if he goes public we might fund a summer opportunity, buy him a used car, or give him a little $ for grad school. Not sure and all hypothetical at this point.
@Happytimes2001 We still have plenty of control, since they only see the 529 statements, but can’t withdraw it on their own, and the rest is doled out monthly. So they can really only “waste” money they earn themselves. If they do spend that it will probably be on travel (they went to Europe on their own at the beginning of the summer and really enjoyed it) and I don’t consider that to be a waste: during college most of my summer earnings were spent on travel too.
But the “economics” class our HS did in the spring of senior year was actually more about financial life skills and was surprisingly effective: they came back talking about compound interest and the benefit of saving in a Roth IRA and how much $5500 saved now would be worth when they are 65! And how awful credit card debt is.
@Twoin18 That’s sound like a great plan. We started 529s and then stopped using them for a variety of reasons. While I wouldn’t go back and restart them, for folks who have a lot in the plan that seems like a great way for the kids to learn about money.
I agree wholeheartedly about spending money on European travel. Never a waste and something they will remember for a long, long time.
@Al73 - just wanted to say great job setting up college savings plans for your kids’ future education. Your dilemma is a good problem to have as many families have not saved anything for their kids education.
Quick story, all my siblings had their college tuition paid for by my parents except one sister who paid her way through college. She is the only one of my siblings not married with kids so my step-dad gave her some money for a down payment on a house. I believe this is “fair” even though the actual money spent on each kid is/was not equal. As parents you do the best you can to meet each individual child’s needs and don’t have regrets about it.
For us, we urged S to apply to Us that would likely give him good merit awards, since he was a NMF; he applied and was accepted by an excellent private U, OOS. For D, she went from JR year of HS straight to CC. After 1st semester of CC, she wanted to apply to the U that S was attending with generous merit award. We had no objection, as it was a good school (and honestly had no expectation that they’d accept her because of her quirky academic history). Lo & behold, D was accepted but we were full-pay for her!
We were able to use the structured payment program offered by the U so we paid over 10 monthly payments instead of 2 large lump sums per semester. That made it easier to cash flow the expenses with our income. We cut back and economized as much as we could and somehow were able to make it all work, but having them both in college at the same time was very tough. I guess we could have told D we would only pay the same cash amount for her that we did for S, but we were fine with just paying whatever it took for each to get a bachelor’s degree at a great U, which happened to be the same U. 
We had saved enough for each child to live in the dorm and pay in-state for our local flagship U; all of those funds were applied toward their expenses at the U they matriculated at. It helped that I was able to increase my earnings and H’s wages also increased while both kids were in college.