Please grade my essay,I'll grade yours

Test Preparation
1

<p>Topic:Is it necessary to know the events of the past to understand those of the present?</p>

<p>It is crucial to know the events of the past in order to understand those of the present as it enables us to draw parallels and find similarities and differences which help in making more efficient and responsible choices as we are aware of our past failures. Several examples from literature, sports and history support the notion that an awareness of past events allows us to fully comprehend current situation. This knowledge allows one to realize the consequences of one’s actions and the possible outcomes of the situation.</p>

<p>Through the actions of the visionary Indian industrialist, Dhirubhai Ambani, the founder of Reliance industries, we can see how his knowledge of the nature of Indian politics and past attempts to curb the growth of private industries helped him overcome adversity. When Dhirubhai returned from Aden to India in 1922 as an enterprising cotton textiles dealer, he witnessed the difficulties faced by other industrialists looking to expand. This prior knowledge helped him devise a plan through which he could escape the crippling clutches of the Indian ministry for textiles and jute and successfully establish one of India’s largest private corporations. Thus his awareness of the past events helped him plan ahead as he had been aware of the possible objections.
Manchester United, the most successful club on English soil, displayed that an acute awareness of past events aids us to overcome future obstacles. Rocked by Manchester City’s rise to the top, the club was said to be in crisis and on a rapid downwards spiral. However, Sir Alex Ferguson, their manager knew better and did not make any rash moves in the summer that ensued, the summer of 2012.This season, Robin VanPersie’s goals have propelled them to the title in record time. When quizzed later, Fergie revealed that he had withstood similar surges in 1992 and 1995 and this experience aided him greatly in making efficient decisions. Hence his prior knowledge helped him stay calm and as a result, make the right calls.
In the play , Blood Wedding by Federico Garcia Lorca, prior experience of blood feuds helped the bride groom’s mother deal with her loss and almost even expect tragedy when the feud began. Since these blood feuds were common place in Andalusia, she had been aware of the consequences of such an event.
We can see that awareness of events in the past indeed aids our comprehension of current events through the examples of Ambani,Manchester United and the Blood Wedding.</p>

2

<p>i replied on your other thread. Edit: Actually, it was someone else’s thread that you posted this on as well, so here’s a copy/paste of the reply:</p>

<p>comeback, i am a parent, not a kid who is actually taking this test (ever, ever, ever again), so please consider this (that I have been in no prep course and have not been told if one style of writing is preferred over another, etc) when you read my response. </p>

<p>I am an attorney, and as such, I am very fond of the KIS (Keep it Simple) principle and the active voice.</p>

<p>The changes below do not necessarily accomplish either of these completely, but I do believe they strike a balance between your style and an active style. Tighten up by shortening the sentences but at the same time expand the thought if it will add to the essay; delete unnecessary and/or redundant clauses; be persuasive (you’re being asked an opinion. don’t be afraid to state it like it’s gospel, even if it’s not, so long as you have information to support your position. this will be the most effective imo) </p>

<p>I have NO ACCESS TO ENHANCED EDITING ON THESE BOARDS and it frustrates me BEYOND belief. Do i need a certain post count to access those privileges too (ridiculous)? I had strike thrus in your txt (to show you more clearly what I deleted and where), and of course, they aren’t transferring over, so I’ll just have to explain what I did: The bracketed portion is my txt or your txt moved. Unfortunately, I had to fully delete all of your deleted txt so u cld even understand the reply. </p>

<p>Your essay is a good start (nice command of language). good luck!</p>

<p>Prompt :Is it necessary to know the events of the past to understand those of the present?</p>

<p>[Having a good and cognizant grasp on the] events of the past is crucial toward any effort to truly understand the events of the present. Past events enable us to draw parallels; find similarities and differences – [all of] which [aid us] in making more efficient and responsible choices. Knowledge [of the past] allows one to realize the possible [consequences of one’s actions] and [may help one to predict the future outcome] of a given situation.
Several examples that support this notion [can be drawn ] from literature, sports and history.</p>

<p>BTW, if anyone knows how i can get an administrator a note to get advanced editing i would surely appreciate you passing that info along.</p>

3

<p>Thank you for taking time out to post these constructive comments .
I shall certainly look to keep my sentences short.
And those changes really help improve the flow and quality of the essay.
Did you find any other areas which I can improve upon?
I would like to thankyou once again for your efforts.</p>

4

<p>yw. my edit is not perfect (i already see some things wrong that i would change lol), but you get the idea. i will look briefly at the other paragraphs if you’d still like me to. But basically, two major points:</p>

<p>1 - transition between your paragraphs – use some sort of transition sentence(s).</p>

<p>2 - conclusion. why no conclusion? every essay needs a conclusion. the examiners may not have time to read your essay through, so they may not even notice it’s missing, but what if they do? or what if they skim through and skip to the end? in either case bam – no conclusion. You’ve left them hanging. That’s not good imo.</p>

<p>I would highly recommend managing your time well so that you can always include a conclusion – even if it’s only a sentence or two. It may be the most important part of your essay depending upon who is reading it and how they are reading it. Leave a strong impression. Restate, but don’t “repeat” the thesis stated in your opening paragraph. Tie it all up. Package it up in a nice box with a pretty bow. :)</p>