Please grade my essay on a scale of 1-6. Please highlight my mistakes too.

<p>Thomas Jefferson believed that the will of majority is “the only legitimate foundation of any government,” and that the protection of the public’s right to free expression is of primary importance in a democracy. However, there are those who look back through the pages of history and note when great changes have occurred in history--particularly when great principles are involved—as a rule the majority are wrong.
Assignment: What is your view of the claim that opinion of the majority is not always right? In your essay support your position by discussing an example (or examples) from literature, the arts, science and technology, history, current events, or your own experience and observation.</p>

<p>Essay:
I agree with the claim that the opinion of the majority is not always right. Just because a majority’s opinion is the opinion of more people does not mean that the majority is always right. History and our present, both, bear witness to this fact every day. The formation of Pakistan and the invention of a new way to detect pancreatic cancer are examples that corroborate my viewpoint.
Back in the 1940’s, the Indian sub-continent had a clear majority of Hindus compared to Muslims. Hindus and Muslims had never got to get along nicely and innocent blood was shed in meaningless feuds. The British, about to leave the Indian sub-continent, conducted a nationwide poll to decide whether to divide the Indian sub-continent or not. Even though the majority was against the partition, British still partitioned the Indian sub-continent. The British realized that if they did not divide the Indian sub-continent, the two nations will continue to fight for years. I have no doubt that most people will justify this act and consider this a wise action for the sake of peace and harmony.
Recently, the uncle of John Alan, a precocious teenager died from pancreatic cancer. Realizing that all the traditional ways to detect pancreatic cancer were a mere 10% efficient and did not detect the cancer in its early stages, John devised a way of this cancer’s detection. He sent his theory and thesis to about 100 professors for support. All, except one, refused, claiming that the new method was naive and immature. John worked with this professor for months and came up with a marketable way of detecting pancreatic cancer which is 90% accurate, 400% cheaper and detects pancreatic cancer at its early stages. This is a clear example that enlightens the fact the majorities are not necessarily always right.</p>

<p>Nice one chukka. Great examples! But how about a concluding paragraph that sums your thesis up? 5-6 :)</p>

<p>—Your introduction looks to be about 50 words, but it needn’t have had more than about 20 given what’s in it and what follows.</p>

<p>—The India/Britain paragraph is a history lesson. It’s not even a paragraph, really. It’s more like a word block. Very little of this word block deals with the task at hand.</p>

<p>—Who the hell is John Alan? This “paragraph” is another history lesson (possibly a totally fictitious one). Only one or two sentences here pertains to the assignment.</p>

<p>@jkjeremy
i completely agree.
The historic content should have been less and the link with the topic should have been properly thought out.
Thanks alot for pointing this out.Really.
Can u just give me some examples how i should link these particular examples with the topic?</p>

<p>@savvy123
I thank you for your time and evalutaion.
I’d really be grateful if you point out some more mistakes in the essay.</p>

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<p>For the first word block, you’d need to tell me HOW the majority was wrong. What is it about their way of thinking that was flawed? What kind of thinking went into the views of the minority? Those are just a couple quick ideas; I could probably cite dozens of more effective approaches had I the time.</p>

<p>As for the second one, I don’t comment on fake examples. (If it’s indeed legit, let me know and I’ll spend some time on it.)</p>

<p>I like the topic of the first example. But you say " if they did not divide the Indian sub-continent, the two nations will continue to fight for years"- dont you mean that if it was one country that there would be internal strife? Or maybe “the two groups will continue to fight…”</p>

<p>The tricky part here is the counter-factual: India was divided against majority wish. Given that there is strife between India and Pakistan currently, how do we know that this was the better alternative? You have to give the grader some reason why this is better. Maybe Pakistans laws, schools etc are a better fit for Muslim culture. Maybe point to clashes between Hindus and Muslims that still occur in India, or some other country, when they try to live under a shared government.</p>

<p>Your conclusion is too perfunctory. You should have made some attempt to show that important issues the majority can be wrong a significant amount of time. Maybe the majority give too much weight to the status quo rather than new possibilities. Coming up with two examples (one fake and one not fleshed out) out of all of recorded history where the majority was wrong isnt that convincing a defense of your position on the prompt.</p>

<p>@jkjeremy
thanks alot!!!
love this forum.
u get to improve ur writing skills.
The example is not a fake. i just got the name wrong(my bad). the correct name of the boy is jack andrea.</p>

<p>@argbargy
Wow!
that really was a great evaluation.
Thanks alot!!!
I’ll try not to make these mistakes in future.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Okay. </p>

<p>Here’s the problem with that paragraph: it’s almost all fact.</p>

<p>See below…</p>

<p>The stuff in bold is fact. </p>

<p>Recently, the uncle of John Alan, a precocious teenager died from pancreatic cancer. Realizing that all the traditional ways to detect pancreatic cancer were a mere 10% efficient and did not detect the cancer in its early stages, John devised a way of this cancer’s detection. He sent his theory and thesis to about 100 professors for support. All, except one, refused, claiming that the new method was naive and immature. John worked with this professor for months and came up with a marketable way of detecting pancreatic cancer which is 90% accurate, 400% cheaper and detects pancreatic cancer at its early stages.</p>

<p>Really try not to use “I agree” and “I believe”, actually anything with an “I” in it, because it states the obvious. We know you agree with that, just try to use more dynamic sentence starters.</p>

<p>Looks like its Jack Andraka, so story checks out
[Jack</a> Andraka: The 15-Year-Old Kid Who Changed the Course of Medicine](<a href=“http://www.takepart.com/article/2013/01/27/jack-andraka]Jack”>http://www.takepart.com/article/2013/01/27/jack-andraka)</p>

<p>jkjeremy’s highlighting is interesting- you can see you spent a lot of space telling us factoids regarding cancer research. </p>

<p>But you can also see you spent almost no words defending your thesis. Thats a bad ratio. Why not slip in a “If the teenager had listened to experts who were sure the technique couldnt be made to work then…”</p>

<p>@argbargy
Thats exactly what i was looking for.
you are right.i should have spent more time on defending my thesis.
thanks alot for coming back to this thread and pointing out the key mistakes.</p>

<p>@jkjeremy
Your evaluation is perfectly justified.
thanks alot for ur time!
I’ll be posting more essays. Please comment on those essays too.</p>

<p>@intellectual
Thanks alot man!
ur point is perfectly valid!</p>