please read and advice??

College Essays
1

<p>a quick glimpse anyone??</p>

<p>What determines our individuality? I believe it is our passion for a certain activity that makes everyone unique in his or her own way. Since the beginning of high school year, I had an unusual fervor for praise. My passion for religion was soon carried on to my love for music as well. Two things I love converged and became one activity I wanted to do for the rest of my life: praise. It is truly virtuous to know that I can worship the God I love and enjoy the gift of music at the same time.
The cause for my love for praise approached me during winter break of sophomore year. My church traveled to Alabama during the break for a retreat. Truthfully, I was not expecting anything spiritual to happen to me; however, I thought wrong. The last day of the retreat, the praise team members stepped up after the concluding sermon and introduced new praise songs to everyone. Then, it happened. Their music rocked the whole room with passion and true love. Not only that, but they delivered the gift to us all. Everybody in the sanctuary worshipped and praised for nearly five hours. Of course, we were getting tired but at that moment, that did not matter. The atmosphere made us all passionate about the One we love. I, then, realized what I wanted to do from then on. I wanted to be part of praise and also help deliver the love for Christ to all the people. I wanted to do what I love to do.
Currently, I am on the praise team and it has to be one of the biggest blessings I have ever received in my life. I believe that is what determines many people’s future. It is something that makes a person asks what more can I ask for? To me, praise is what makes my life exciting and animated. As long as I live, praise will always be a part of my passion.</p>

2

<p>So a "praise team" is it just a singing religious group?</p>

<p>Okay, but I can be harsh:</p>

<p>"What determines our individuality? I believe it is our passion for a certain activity that makes everyone unique in his or her own way."</p>

<p>You don't need these lines. They are fillers, IMO. Unless the prompt was specifically "what determines individuality?" you don't want these lines in.</p>

<p>"Since the beginning of high school year, I had an unusual fervor for praise."</p>

<p>What does this mean? Do you mean the beginning of HS, or the beginning of this hs year?</p>

<p>"My passion for religion was soon carried on to my love for music as well."</p>

<p>"religious passion" may be less wordy that "passion for religion."</p>

<p>"Two things I love converged and became one activity I wanted to do for the rest of my life: praise." </p>

<p>This and the previous sentence can form one sentence. You've already say that you love them both and that they carried on to each other. Think something like: My passion for religion and love for music converged into one activity I wanted to do for the rest of my life: praise.</p>

<p>"It is truly virtuous to know that I can worship the God I love and enjoy the gift of music at the same time."</p>

<p>Ugh. Maybe it is the philosophy major in me, but "virtuous"? What a blind, blanket statement word. Regardless, you need a comma after "love." Can't you cut this? Pretty please? I don't intend to be mean, but it is truly a blank and unsupported statement.</p>

<p>"The cause for my love for praise" is awkward. Maybe try something like "This love was sparked by..." They already know that the love is for praise.</p>

<p>"My church traveled to Alabama during the break for a retreat." </p>

<p>They know it is during the break. Maybe cut the "during...break" part and put a semi-colin before? I guess it isn't vital to change though. </p>

<p>"Their music rocked the whole room with passion and true love."</p>

<p>Please, please cut this. Passion and true love? Plastic stickers (fake, meaningless, clich</p>