<p>As the daughter of an alumna I grew up with stories of my mothers years at Barnard. I patiently listened to her chronicle tales of inspiring professors, nurturing advisors and madcap adventures in the city all at her disposal. As a skeptical teenager I appreciated all the nostalgia but was Barnard really the right place for me? And so the process began The interview, visiting the college and having the college visit my school, talking to current students and graduates all helped point me in the same direction. How could one not fall in love with a school that has a population of independent, artistic and vibrant women? A school that offers nine ways of knowing as a starting point and then guides you as you branch out from there and enter the work force as a well rounded contributor. The option of belonging to a smaller, nurturing environment while having access to a larger university and all their resources is perfectly in synch with how I am most comfortable learning and socializing. Throughout high school I have been involved in student government and I feel at Barnard I can continue contributing by taking advantage of so many of the leadership opportunities offered. While still excited to compare college experiences with my mother, i am eager to forge my own path, eat my own midnight breakfasts, and build my own connections with the amazing teachers and professors and Barnard.</p>
<p>How did you first learn about Barnard College and what factors have influenced your decision to apply? Why do you think the College would be a good match for you?
is the question</p>
<p>Well done!</p>
<p>As the daughter of an alumna I grew up with stories of my mother’s years at Barnard. I patiently listened to her chronicle tales of her inspiring Professor Dalton, her nurturing advisors and the madcap adventures in the city all at her disposal. As a skeptical teenager I appreciated all the nostalgia but was Barnard really the right place for me? And so the process began… The interview, visiting the college and having the college visit my school, talking to current students and graduates all helped point me in the same direction. Barnard is the place for me. How could one not fall in love with a school that has a population of independent, artistic and vibrant women? A school that has graduated women from entertainers Joan Rivers and Cynthia Nixon to inspirational authors Jeanette Walls and Anna Quindlen. A school that offers nine ways of knowing as a fundamental basis and guides you as you branch out in a specific area of study. The option of belonging to a smaller, nurturing environment while having access to a larger university and all their resources is perfectly in synch with how I am most comfortable learning and socializing. While still excited to compare college experiences with my Mother, I am eager to forge my own path, eat my own midnights breakfast, and build my own connections with the amazing professors at Barnard.
is this less generic?</p>
<p>OP: If you want to be specific, I understand the impulse, and maybe they help. However, you rewrite is full of sentence fragments. I’d be careful about that.</p>
<p>The content is fine, but the punctuation, spelling and grammar need work.</p>
<p>The content is great, as the others have said, but the grammar is pretty problematic.</p>
<p>I hope you don’t mind me tearing your essay apart… </p>
<p>
added a comma</p>
<p>
Kind of awkwardly phrased.
Perhaps…
“Over the years, I (have) patiently listened to her chronicle tales about her inspiring professors, nurturing advisors and the madcap adventures in the city…”</p>
<p>& What was all at her disposal? Professor Dalton? The advisors? The city? Make it clearer.</p>
<p>
Awkward. Perhaps…
“I appreciated the nostalgia, but as a skeptical teenager, I wasn’t sure if Barnard was the right place for me.”</p>
<p>
Gramatically incorrect and awkward. What “the process” is isn’t clear to me; is it the process of getting pointed in the right direction by those factors or the process of you checking Barnard out?</p>
<p>
Fragments. The first one is awkwardly phrased and probably not necessary. I just don’t see a point in listing those specific graduates? I mean, perhaps if that had actually influenced your decision, but how I’m reading it right now, it just seems like facts thrown in there.</p>
<p>
Akward. Perhaps…
“Belonging to a small, nurturing environment while still having access to all the resources of a larger university is perfectly in synch with how I am most comfortable learning and socializing.”</p>
<p>
“Mother” shouldn’t be capitalized.
Maybe switch our “while” for “though”?
“midnights” doesn’t need to be plural.
You used the oxford comma in this sentence, but didn’t use it throughout the rest of the essay. Consistency is golden.</p>
<p>Excellent editing, but these are supposed to be written by kids in their own voices. I’m not sure that level if geammatical correctness is necessary.</p>
<p>SarahChristine- do you think the first write up is better than the second?</p>
<p>General comment: I don’t think it’s a good idea to do this in a public forum. Private messages better.</p>