<p>^My point in bringing that up was that we tend to be hyper-sensitive to things which might offend our particular “subgroup”. We consider the offenders ignorant or rude or worse. But all of us are susceptible to making some random thoughtless statement that OTHERS might find offensive or rude when we had no such intention. </p>
<p>Homosexuality/sexual orientation varies more or less consistently across all races and socioeconomic classes, so we might reasonably expect EVERY school to be about equally diverse sexual orientation-wise. They might not be OPEN about it, but that’s not how you phrased your statement. </p>
<p>To you, your D is the constant butt of ignorance and rudeness, but to each of those individual persons its just ONE incident in their life, most likely with no ill intent. Should I take offense to YOUR “slip”?</p>
<p>I have nothing really helpful to say here, but BlueRoses123, as another visible minority girl my heart goes out to your daughter. </p>
<p>That’s such an ignorant, ***holeish thing to say. She has much more patience than I do, that’s for sure. Among other things, I once had a grade 4 teacher tell me that things and people made in my nation of origin were of ‘C grade quality’.</p>
<p>I was living in NY at that time. So. much. rage. </p>
<p>There is no reason she should have to stick that place out if she can afford to leave. She’s paying to attend, not vice versa.</p>
<p>There’s a gulf of difference between ignorant questions being asked in a social venue among relative social equals and blatant use of racial slurs against one’s own race and other races in one’s presence as the OP experienced.</p>
<p>And how is an utterance of racial slurs in situations OP’s D encountered done with “no ill intent”? And one of those incidents is with a BF of a different race.</p>
<p>Incidentally, the first time I or many Chinese-American friends heard the term “FOB” was either in California/West Coast or going to some near-all White suburbs where most of the Asian-American population are completely assimilated or at least trying their darndest to do so.</p>
<p>cobrat- Growing up in N.Cali, in the 70’s, 80"s, I for one witnessed 2nd generation Chinese kids always making fun of the “FOB” it was so commonplace. I could never understand why teasing and the constant put downs of the new Chinese kids who had the ESL class separate from ours.</p>
<p>From my white heterocentrist perspective it seems to me that my child, who isn’t heterosexual, and my children-in-law, who aren’t white, find slurs hurtful even when there is no “ill intent” - probably not as hurtful as when there is ill-intent, but still quite distressing. When anyone talks like this around any of my children, I am extremely upset, regardless of intent. I am most upset when I make thoughtless, hurtful comments I didn’t realize were hurtful. It’s a learning experience for me.</p>
<p>Yes, people who aren’t usually the victims of slurs, ethnic insults or just stupid questions seem to just rationalize the detrimental impact of such words.</p>
<p>I, for one have never understood the stereotyping of Asian-Americans that I’ve found common in parts of the country other than the west coast. The Japanese, Chinese and Philipino kids I grew up with were literally little different from their white and black peers in that, in the main, they were typical American kids. When a person has no discernible accent and outwardly looks like many other people in your community, why would you ask ‘where are you really from?’</p>
<p>Oh, and by the way, I’m a fair guy but by no means a saint. I’ve let my curiousity get the better of me in the past when I met a Philipino from North Carolina and a Chinese from Arkansas. Both had some of the most pronounced southern acccents I have ever heard. Curious? Yes, I was curious but it never occurred to me to ask them if they were “really American,” because other than their accents they were no different from my diverse neighbors and friends back at home and therefore no different from me.</p>
<p>“It isn’t to show off knowledge so much as to illustrate how such an episode could reasonably be taken as an illustration of possible racism due to pre-war/wartime hatred by someone who is from the racial/ethnic group which were/looked like “the enemy””</p>
<p>We all knew what the OP meant when she typed bonsai instead of banzai – it was simply an inconsequential spelling error (or maybe an autocorrect).</p>
<p>Not to derail the thread, but “children-in-law”? I have been trying to figure that out, and I can’t. What relationship is described as “child-in-law”?</p>
<p>My guess would be either a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law. Or perhaps step-children.</p>
<p>I can sympathize with your daughter’s situation, OP. I’m not in the same boat (I’m a white foreigner with a foreign accent in North Carolina) but the questions, even the politer ones, do get tiresome. No, I don’t want to hear about your study abroad in Dublin. It can actually be worse in more self-consciously ‘diverse’ environments like big cities, because they want to show off how cosmopolitan and worldly they are.</p>
<p>Many second-generation American immigrants (that is, the children of those who actually immigrated) deal with their identity issues by adopting the delusion that they really are Chinese/Korean/Irish/Polish or whatever, even though they may not speak the language well or have ever visited. Sadly that option is probably not open to your daughter.</p>
<p>So I don’t have advice for you, but I hope things work out.</p>
<p>I have found that in NYC, Chinese-Americans are at least vaguely aware that white people have adopted children from China. Those whose English is minimal sometimes approach my daughter and me in a way that is awkward, but they just want to acknowledge her as a member of their “tribe.” They are usually disappointed when they find out that she doesn’t speak any dialect of Chinese (we won’t talk about the 3 years of high school Mandarin ending with a barely passing grade on the state test, oh no we won’t!), declare her to be a “lucky girl” (to which I always say that I am the lucky one, since indeed I am), and we end the encounter with smiles.</p>
<p>There are as many ways to be Chinese-American as there are to be Christian or Jewish or “American.” My daughter has attended 4 public schools in NYC with at least a plurality of Chinese kids and the demographics of each population was very different from the others. All of these schools are within less than 5 miles of each other, and only one of NYC’s several (at least 3 or 4, and counting) Chinatowns is physically represented. Our adoptive families’ organization marches every year in the (Manhattan) Chinatown Lunar New Year parade, surrounded by Chinese postal workers and lion dancers, senior citizens, girl and boy scout troops, emigres from Malaysia and Indonesia and Peru and Cuba and Taiwan and Hong Kong, part of the Chinese American community.</p>
<p>Only white parents with an adopted Asian kid would raise a kid that sensitive about a teacher being mocked behind her back. :p</p>
<p>People who advocate moving to California have never seen the video of the girl who mocked all Asians in UCLA?</p>
<p>No one here reads stories in student newspapers about racism at some of the most elite schools in the nation?</p>
<p>If we want to pretend college campuses have no one mocking people’s accents (TAs, teachers, co students…) then we might as well live under that big rock. I was mocked openly by my classmates when I started my graduate school but they also mocked the professors who were all white. The same people gave me rides everywhere, invited me for thanksgiving dinners, to their weddings etc.</p>
<p>My husband and I witnessed an unpleasant episode at D’s college ourselves when we visited. A young Asian man was seated at a table in the dining hall eating by himself. Just a guess, but he probably was an international student judging by how he was eating: in the customary Asian way, holding his bowl close to his mouth and transporting food in with chopsticks. Two white girls were seated nearby and were laughing with utter hilarity, pointing to him and imitating him. One almost fell off her seat with silent laughter and gestures to amuse her friends. Our D didn’t see it because her back was to the girls and the boy, and my husband gave me a look as if to say “Just don’t bring attention to it.” So I let it go. We didn’t want her to feel even more self conscious. (No, she was raised her in the US and doesn’t eat that way. But physically and ethnically, she would certainly identify with this young man.)</p>
<p>One thing that I have found that white people seem to do (heck, I have done it myself) is to try to explain away/excuse when people say things that are hurtful to minorities. We don’t like to think people have “ill intent” and we sometimes seem to think members of minority groups are just overly sensitive and take stuff the wrong way. That is probably true in some instances (people obviously mean no harm when they ask “Where are you from?”) but the resulting hurt is the same. These things make people feel marginalized and unwelcome. I have learned a lot – and am still learning – from this adoptive parenting experience.</p>
<p>Yes that would be one extreme. Less extreme (but still racist) is saying that they should go back to their own country, or assuming that someone is a foreigner even though they were born and raised in the country. Or making harsh fun of someone’s accent behind their back even though you wouldn’t do it to say, a white German.</p>
<p>Me too on the questions, and I am very tired of it. It’s one of the few things (other than the US’s geographical isolation) that makes me tempted to move back.</p>
<p>Virtually all Chinese people are able to eat food with chopsticks and hold at least a basic conversation in Putonghua. Many will stare at foreign visitors, be surprised if a white person can speak Putonghua, and may touch blonde hair on strangers. What of it?</p>
<p>texas, thanks for the support (I say, sarcastically.) My daughter usually is not that sensitive; as I have recounted before, she has lived for almost 19 years in the US and has weathered, usually with a smile, the stupid a** comments, the questions, the loud questions “CAN YOU UNDERSTAND ME?” She is not perfect, but most people who know her think she is bright, sweet, outgoing, and unusually compassionate to people. (I don’t know many other 19 year olds who spend time with dementia patients, sitting rubbing their backs, talking with them, singing to them and playing games.)</p>
<p>I think what made her cry about the taunting of the Chinese teacher was just a bubbling up of hearing it, week after week, on top of all the other things that have happened, from being mistaken for an exchange student (not overtly awful, but just another signal that she is not "one of us’) to being told that certain Greek organizations might not let her into their parties to hearing racial slurs to being told “If I dated someone out of my race, my parents would kill me.” It was the sound of her pain and frustration boiling over. Have you never yourself become so frustrated over time because of a certain circumstance that you reacted more strongly than you would ordinarily? </p>
<p>And if our family is guilty of raising a child who is sensitive to others and thinks racist stuff is unacceptable, well, guilty as charged. We are far from perfect, but we have worked very hard to make sure our children were around other kids of color, same race role models and in an environment where people are respected. Our kids were fortunate to be able to attend an urban public magnet school for the arts, where kids came from all over the city and state and even a few drove in from out of state every day. The racial and socioeconomic diversity (and range of talents) was extraordinary. </p>
<p>And yes, I expect if my Chinese daughter has been raised by Asians, she would be far more used to this by now. Sadly …</p>