Read it and Weep.....

My favorite topic…

http://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2015/06/09/what-overparenting-looks-like-from-a-stanford-deans-perspective/

This is great and all, but what I really want to know is how to increase my kid’s chance of getting into Stanford. Amirite?

I’m told, @SevenDad, that you will NOT get in unless you APPLY! So, join the 42,487 who have already done the smart thing, and kick that Common App out another notch for Stanford . . .

But I applied and got rejected. My mother called to ask why, but they put her on hold. I think maybe I should re-apply, don’t you?

Why do Stanford professors not want to talk to parents who call about their son’s grades? Parents pay the bills!

The truth is that Stanford demands far more extra curricula than most busy applicants at public schools can find/manage without significant amount of parental help. It is an irony that the article is written by a former Stanford dean.

You’re kidding right? This is college. Paying the bill might enable you to tell your student “we will only pay so long as you pass your courses,” but discussions about grades and coursework are between the student and professor, always have been. Who pays the bill is irrelevant. I’ve never heard of a college with parent-teacher conferences and cannot fathom contacting a university for any reason besides, perhaps, the billing office for payment questions/issues. This is your student’s rodeo. Technically, s/he does not even have to share grades with you no matter how hard you might argue or demand otherwise. You can set up whatever conditions you want with your kiddo, but you cannot expect the college to include you in their process or welcome any attempts to have them do so – you are not the student.

If you are the student, I apologize if I sounded harsh. Your parents may pay the bill, but all the rest of it is on you. Your university will not share your grades with your parents and will only communicate with you regarding your academic standing. It is completely inappropriate for your parents to contact your professors. This is no longer high school.

^ I think someone is missing the mockery in posts 1 - 4.

Ah, got it Cheddar. My bad.

I’m thinking that this Stanford Dean is probably extrapolating a few experiences to an entire generation. Sending a kid to Stanford to get a great education and still wanting to be involved is not really a great example of helicopter parenting at its worse. I’m thinking that the parents of these kids probably gave some good advice, are very proud of their kids accomplishments, and maybe are a little worried about how their kid is adjusting to a new social environment.

I am sure that the emails and calls to the “Dean of Freshman and Undergraduate Advising” probably taper off after Freshman year. In fact, I think that this Dean position probably exists for parents as much as it does for kids and probably is almost exclusively for Freshman, otherwise it should just be “Dean of Undergraduate Advising”

This article is just as much about what’s going on with parents in the community as it is about what things look like once the students get to college. A more in-depth description is in this article, which made its way around facebook a few weeks ago:

https://medium.com/synapse/training-for-discontent-42591cf57baf

Having lived in Silicon Valley, I feel like it’s just as limiting an environment as any area dominated by a single industry - almost a “company town” view of the world. Kids there are being raised in the shadow of Stanford by parents who likely attended Stanford, many of whom are chasing the same rainbow one way or another. Every step of kids’ lives is orchestrated with a view towards following their parents’ footsteps down a certain path, and there’s really no living proof day-to-day that there are different and equally valid paths out there. The risks of letting kids make choices, make mistakes, handle struggles is just too high if it means deviation from what’s seen as the one path. It’s no surprise that Stanford students are showing up without a lot of ability to make their own way.

I don’t think this is unique to Silicon Valley or Stanford, just that the particular situation there of elite university + high growth industry + homogenous, high priced area makes these trends especially noticeable.

Have to confess that I made ONE phone call to the college this year (freshman). However, DD was in the Emergency Room of a city hospital due to an accident caused by negligence of the university. She needed something from her dorm and I suggested strongly that security go and bring it to her in the ER, after they had refused her request to do so. The administrator agreed that the need was real, and, after offering several apologies, made sure her need was met.

The younger one (14) is currently studying abroad I insist that she contact us daily via vibor. This is the extent of my “helicoptering” since college and BS levels have been achieved. It is not easy, but the cords are being cut.

I don’t know @mexusa. Sounds a little bit like 'coptering to me. JK.

It seems like any contact with any other adult involved with your child’s life is met with forced tolerance. It’s almost like there is a backlash for having any potential behavior that could be perceived as “over parenting.” Isn’t there such a thing as “under-parenting” – why do these positions exist if it is not to interact with concerned parents? There has never been an article about this subject that acknowledges the very real and important role that these people have in working together with parents to help kids. Like it or not, these are kids who can do stupid things and do not have their frontal lobes fully developed.

Do we really need a book on helicoptering by someone who, arguably, has been part of the problem for 10 years? I’d only be interested in reading this if it contains some concrete suggestions that have the possibility of being implemented.

Agree @MidwestDad3 – We don’t need a book about this and the author is indeed part of the problem. The creation of her position and elevation to “Dean” status is a testament to institutional pandering to helicopter parenting. That person exists for the purpose of interacting with unadjusted freshman and their parents.

This position existed when I was a student at Stanford in the late 1980s. The reason it’s called “Freshman and Undergraduate Advising” is that you’re assigned an advisor as a freshman and then when you declare a major you get a new advisor in that department, so there are really 2 advisor “systems.”

My parents never spoke to my advisor and certainly never spoke to this Dean, nor did any other parents as far as I was aware.

I think the only connection between this dean (the person or the position) and the overall issue of helicopter parenting is that a lot of the “snowplow” parenting out there is intended to get kids into places like Stanford. Lythcott-Haims is saying its counterproductive to do that because 1) it makes kids miserable and 2) it makes them incompetent. I’m paraphrasing, of course.