Sad and Confused

Parent Cafe
1

Hey…so I’m familiar with this site but I’ve finally decided to create an account. I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place, so sorry if I’m not. I’m a junior and am currently really lost, sad and confused. I guess I’ll start by posting my grades:

(First Semester/Second Semester)

Freshman year:

H Freshman English: A/A
Biology: A/A
PE: A/A
Spanish II: A/A
Video Production: A/A
H Algebra II: D/C

Sophomore year:

H Sophomore English: A/A
Precalculus: A/B
H Spanish III (weighted): A/A
Chemistry: A/A
H World History: A/A

Junior year: (current grades. all AP classes are weighted)

AP Biology: A
AP Lang and Comp: A
AP Spanish: A
U.S. History: A
Photography: A
AP Calculus: C

Yep. You can probably tell that I suck at math. I hate it. Freshman year, every other course was easy for me and I literally put no real effort in that class; the teacher was a boring 70 year old guy who only talked about retiring, but still, I guess I deserved those grades. I was devastated end of my freshman year. My dad, a doctor, literally hated my guts and didn’t speak to me often throughout the year. My older sister who attends Scripps College got straight As until her senior year, so my parents were in complete shock and didn’t really care about me or my grades anymore. I promised myself I wasn’t going to put myself in that position again.

Sophomore year comes. First semester, I nail it. I was the happiest I’ve ever been. My dad began to talk to me again, and I felt normal. Second semester, I was so close to an A in precalc - literally not even 1% away from the A, but my dad and myself were ok with it.

Now I’m at my junior year. I thought I could get straight As, but I guess not. I have no idea why I have this grade in my math class. Every single test I’ve studied for hours, gone to a tutor (everyday the week before), but still. I’m getting Ds and Cs on every test and quiz. Everytime I check my score after a test I’m in complete shock. I really don’t believe that I deserve to get these grades after studying for so many hours. I do the homework and understand the material. But when the tests and quizzes come, I have no idea what happens. It’s either stupid mistakes, I freak out and mess up, or sometimes I get stuck. But that’s rare, and if it does happen it’s only one problem per test. I have no idea what I’m doing wrong, besides getting just a bit anxious before tests.

I’m in my second triad of my first semester, and there are about three or four tests/quizzes left, not including the final. If I get As on the remaining tests and quizzes and do well on the final. I can still get a B in the class. But I’ve been aiming for As on every single test and look where I am. The last thing I have to try is simulating tests for myself and doing them in a similar, quiet environment. I don’t want to get a single C this year, especially in math, so if anyone has every been in this situation (which you probably haven’t) or have advice, then please let me know.

My parents are really worried, and my mom keeps telling me there’s always community college, which is only saddening me even more. I’m currently pretty depressed and haven’t left my house a single time during Thanksgiving break, but that’s partly because I’ve been studying for the SAT I’m going to take next Saturday. I’m predicting a score around 1300 after many practice tests, in case you want to know. I still have a lot of motivation and faith, but I’m doing something wrong and need to find out what it is quickly.

Really sorry for the long post, but I guess this ties into the question…if I do get a C this semester, will I still be able to get into mid-tier UCs? I’m good on ECs and volunteering.

Really appreciate any answers.

2

Your overall grade point average…what is THAT? I don’t see anything that points to a need to attend a community college.

Perhaps a tutor to help you in math would be a good idea.

One of my kids always got lower grades in math. He didn’t major in math or anything to do,with math in college…and got his bachelors from a top 50 university.

3

You mention that you’re gong to a tutor, but it doesn’t appear to be helping. I think you need a different tutor. Is your tutor another student who just knows the subject matter or someone who actually understands different learning methods or different ways of looking at problems? D had math issues as well, but her SAT math tutor turned out to be a blessing for her classes as well.

4

Nothing in your post points to community college. Overall, you are taking very challenging classes and receiving very good grades. There is plenty of time to bring that Calculus C up to a B- or better. Getting some tutoring or extra help for that class might be a good idea. Meanwhile, you say you suck at math, but that would not be my opinion. Taking Calculus as a junior in HS is considered accelerated in math. Perhaps the AP class is not the right placement for you. It is only November. Perhaps your school would let you switch into non-AP Calculus?

5

One C doesn’t send you to a community college.

6

You are an excellent student and are doing very well overall academically! It sounds like you are doing everything you can to improve in math, as you mentioned you are already getting some tutoring. Your work ethic and concern about your studies also are impressive, and will serve you well wherever you go to college. I know it’s hard to believe, given your older sister’s performance and the high-pressure environment you are in, but you are way above average academically, and will be in great shape to attend many good schools. You don’t need to be good in math to be successful – in fact, the ability to get comfortable with not being “perfect” in something will serve you well in life overall.

Perhaps someone else can speak to the UC colleges that may be potential matches for you. In the meantime, try to focus on your strengths, talents, and what you enjoy doing and build those as best you can.

7

My kid NEVER took calculus in high school…and that is my kid who WAS good in math, and majored in engineering.

It sounds like you were very accelerated in math…and that maybe that was not the best decision. I agree…wonder if you could switch to a regular calculus class for the second semester. It’s just possible that the pace of the AP class is not right for you. Worth asking.

Why does your parent think you need to go to community college? That is very much NOT the case.

8

Math is cumulative - you need to go back over every test and understand your mistakes. You need to retake the problems under test conditions until you can get them right.

There is no such thing as a “stupid” mistake. By labeling a mistake as “stupid” or “careless,” you are giving yourself permission to ignore that mistake. You cannot ignore your mistakes.

Here is an example article about working on understanding different types of stupid mistakes. These might not be your particular stupid mistakes, but if you go back and really ask yourself “what, exactly, was this mistake” and “why, exactly, did I make it” over and over you will find your own flavors of common mistakes and begin to correct them.

http://www.artofproblemsolving.com/articles/stupid-mistakes

9

My older kid was a math major in college and she didn’t take AP Cal until senior year. My younger kid was not a STEM student, her college counselor advised her to take lower lever IB math and physics, and she still managed to get into a top 20 school. If math is not your forte then it is better for your take lower level math and get A/B. You may be spending too much time on higher level math and let it effect your other courses. Aside from that, you need to go out and have some fun.

10

I got at least 2 C’s in math in high school (three if you count the last semester senior year) and still got into my top choice college, so it is totally doable and you shouldn’t give up! Also you have taken the highest level of Calculus junior year, so that is no small feat! From the looks of your schedule, you have really challenged yourself and that is definitely something they will take into consideration

11

Thanks for the responses, everyone. I feel much more motivated.

The cutoff date to switch/drop classes was the second week of school…and I didn’t know that this would happen at that time. There also isn’t a regular calculus class offered at my school. I feel that if I drop AP Calc second semester, then colleges will look down upon it more rather than me continuing through the class second semester.

I have super smart junior friends who are in AP Calculus II saying that second semester of AP Calc is all calculator work and nearly everyone gets an A (they got Bs first semester.) I’m not sure whether or not I should trust this. Like I said, there is still a chance I can get my grade up to a B. I’ve emailed my teacher and she said that she’ll be able to stay for an hour after school from now on, so this will really help me. I also feel confident in my test simulation idea, since a lot of my mistakes are from nervousness. If I practice these with repetition, I’m 90% confident these emulated experiences will mirror those of my tests, and hopefully, I’ll gradually stop making lousy mistakes.

As for the tutor, he’s a great math major at Pomona College, so I doubt he’s doing anything wrong. I feel that doing my actual homework with him doesn’t really help…so what else should I be studying with him? Is there anything specific he should be doing as a tutor? He only pinpoints my mistakes, but I’m not sure if doing just that is beneficial for me in the long run.

12

The UC’s only use your 10th and 11th grades to calculate your GPA so the D and the C you got in 9th grade will be omitted in that calculation. Plus they weight for honors and AP’s so that helps if you get the C this semester. They have a calculator online so you can calculate it yourself and see where you come out with your grades up to now.

You will be fine.

13

I just want to tell you that how worthy and loveable you are has nothing to do with what grades you get. Shame on your father for making you feel bad. I’m sure he loves you, but for whatever reason he withholds attention and kindness when you don’t live up to his expectations. That’s his problem and not your’s. You are doing great in school and can be successful in your life. Lots of people have one subject that is more challenging for them. GIve yourself permission to do something fun tomorrow, even if it’s for a couple of hours. You deserve it!!!

14

Do you have ADHD by any chance? Many kids with attention deficits do poorly in math due to processing issues.

If not, consider asking your dad, the doctor, if he thinks it is worthwhile for you to be tested?

15

I am a big advocate that everyone should take math seriously. I hate when people say that they just aren’t good at math as though that excuses them from ever learning math. HOWEVER, there is a point where more math just isn’t going to help you. If you are not planning to enter a field that requires math, then Algebra 2 is about all you really need. The math on the SAT is only thru algebra 2, so you should be able to do well on that test without Calculus.

If you do want to continue with math then, as stated previously, math skills are cumulative. Go back to where you understand not just “how” to do something, but “why” it is done that way. Math is a visual skill but is taught as a sequential process by many teachers. Understanding “why” is key to understanding math. Once you know why something is done a certain way, then it should become more of a permanent skill base for you.

16

A lot of my friends had worse grades and ended up at good UCs.

17

As others have said the UCs do not use your freshman year grades. You have time to bring up your grade in Calculus. Plus it is only one class.

I am concerned about the idea that you have to go to a very top college or CC. There are many schools in between the top and CC that you can attend even if you have. a few low grades.

As far as math goes you cannot just wave your hand and say you aren’t good at math. You have to figure it out. By putting up a wall you are ensuring failure because you are giving yourself permission to fail.

18

I failed my midterm in college Calculus (and the course grade was based on only the midterm & final). After that, I made flash cards of every concept in the homework and every problem in the homework that had any variation or twist. I schlepped those cards everywhere – they were dogeared by the time the final rolled around, but I knew them all. Got an A- on the final and salvaged my grade.

19

OP, I haven’t read all the other posts, but I am not concerned about your grades, which are great. Beyond great. One C is not going to hurt you at any college in the country, and you obviously don’t suck at math because you are passing with a C.

I am a thousand times more concerned about what I read in regards to your relationship with your parents.
In a nutshell, you have a very disapproving father who punishes you or congratulates you as he sees fit by how well he thinks you are doing in school. You are desperate for your father’s approval. Without it, you feel
Ike a failure. You are NOT a failure. You have worked super hard to keep your grades high. Failures don’t do that. I wish you would show this whole thread to your father because this is what I would like to say to him: please cut your kid some slack, because your kid is clearly an excellent student but is being made very unhappy by your overbearing and disapproving attitude. Please show your child that you love him/her regardless of grades, and that your child’s future is not determined by success in one subject. Please remind your child that his/her happiness is more important than anything else, and that if he/she isn’t happy now, then they are going to face a challenging time once getting to college. And to mom, in no way, shape, or form is this child “doomed” to comm college because of a C in math. And to both parents, stop comparing your kid to your other kids. And to you OP, I think you are perhaps being overly sensitive. I do not believe your parents hate your guts. Virtually all parents love their kids, but some aren’t great at showing it. You should not derive happiness only from good grades. Find other things that make you happy.

OP, my kid goes to a top LAC and didn’t do calculus. Very few colleges require calculus. You don’t need calc unless you plan to major in math or engineering probably. But even so, a C is not a deal-breaker when eveything else is great. So please stop stressing about this grade right now, you are doing yourself no favors.

A word about comm college. Plenty of successful people attended comm college. I am one of them. I really don’t like this comparison of comm college as being some kind of sad place for losers, or a last-chance saloon on the road to life. Some people can’t afford four year university, others want to live at home, others need to mature a bit before the responsibilities of university. There are many other reasons why people attend comm college, and yes, poor grades in high school is one of them, but your grades are not poor.

I actually think you should consider talking to a therapist and try to find some positivity in your life. Your whole post seems to be you beating yourself up because you feel you arent worthy. I hope you realize you ARE. You are important and you are a hard worker, and if you can take a step back and realize how over the top it is to judge yourself because of one average grade, you might be able to start thinking that your outlook isn’t very healthy. I do not think your parents have done you any favors either by being so ciritical, but you can’t change what’s already been done. What you can do,is take steps to move forward and find some positivity and happiness in your life that isn’t totally dependent on your grades and your parents. Best of luck going forward.

20

Great post by Lindagaf. I had a kid at a top Ivy who didn’t take calculus or even pre-calculus.

My first reaction was wow, this kid is doing really well in school!

My second reaction was that your academic performance is very consistent from year to year, with math always being the one trouble spot. But please notice, the rest of your grades are stellar. What do you enjoy? Clearly there are many areas you are awfully good at.

I suggest you might want to talk to a neuropsych. ( or ask the school for testing) to see if you have some sort of math learning issue. The only reason I suggest that is that it might help you later, in college, to look into this.

Alternatively, please, just drop a level in math and don’t ruin high school with unnecessary ideas like the idea that everyone has to do calculus to succeed or, heaven forbid, they will end up at community college (and I second Lindagaf’s comments about the usefulness of community college).

Your father’s conditional love, and his withdrawal of love when you get a disappointing grade, is of great concern. Is this a cultural thing? Noone on here likes to judge other parents, but honestly, please get some counseling where you can get some support for who you are, and not just how you do.

And clearly you are a hard worker- that is important.

Overall, I hope going forward you can reduce the amount of stress you are living with and enjoy high school. You do not have to take all AP’s . Do you do any extracurriculars that you enjoy?

If you do have a math learning issue, you may be able to get some accommodations for SAT and ACT, such as taking it in a room by yourself. Ditto with ADHD.

If you feel you performance on math SAT or ACT will affect your college choices, please know that there are many tippy top colleges that no longer even require these tests, so don’t stress too much on that either: http://fairtest.org/university/optional

I am hoping your family is educated and sophisticated about colleges and realize that many of these schools are top notch. More importantly, you should be allowed to be yourself and find the best fit, rather than suffer for 4 years trying to fit yourself into a mold that is not you.

It’s fine to not be good at math. You are clearly a very, very talented student and you have wonderful things ahead with the transcript as it is, so please don’t feel badly! Congratulations on your academic performance overall. I hope you enjoy some of the subjects along the way.