<p>satman1111: Yes I agree that body paragraph was particularly long, and I should both cut it down and keep the focus on money v.s. happiness abundantly clear. I was just more asking about whether the style is ok. I felt like that type of paragraph would read better if I had a specific person I were describing rather than the process of migrating to California in general terms. I cannot tell how obvious it is that I made it up and/or whether I could do something to make it look less obvious.</p>
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<p>It beats the hell out of writing a story.</p>
<p>The task is to analyze a proposition or issue. If they wanted a work of fiction, that’s exactly how the instructions would read.</p>
<p>jkjeremy: Maybe I’m mistaken but it seems like it would have been quite dry and much harder to follow had I generalized and wrote about the people in general? And you are saying by going this route my essay score would go down by a few points but not dramatically?</p>
<p>Maybe I’m not getting it. But to analyze the issue or proposition, give the topic sentence that is one reason to support or counter the thesis. Then put an example in the rest of the paragraph that backs up that illustrates that topic sentence and make clear why and how it does. </p>
<p>I’m not quite sure still why you feel one is necessarily preferred to the other. If I were describing a personal story or a piece of literature, I’d be writing a story to some degree, or at least paraphrasing parts of it, wouldn’t I?</p>
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<p>I’ve been scoring these things for years (since the very first year the essay was instituted).</p>
<p>You’re going to do what you want and you’re going to rationalize it any way you can. I am telling you that the kind of composite character you’re talking about looks silly. The readers write the funny stuff on a white board as a means of diversion—for LAUGHS.</p>
<p>If you were to cite the Civil War as an example, you don’t need to create a fictitious soldier out of thin air. </p>
<p>Answer the question earnestly and skillfully.</p>
<p>jkjeremy: I’m not doubting you and I’m not trying to play defense. I really do appreciate all of your generous feedback. </p>
<p>Are you basically saying just don’t make anything up ever? I just can’t follow where you are at. </p>
<p>If I wrote a personal story is that ok? If I made up a story like the one I did about John as a former neighbor of mine would have have been ok? </p>
<p>Am I mistaken about how the essay should be structured like I wrote in my earlier post? </p>
<p>Intro paragraph -
take an overall stand on the topic and hint at the reasons</p>
<p>Body paragraphs -
Each one should present a reason for that stance; each reason should have an example that elucidates the validity of the reason? </p>
<p>End with Conclusion</p>
<p>I made up some example on the Oct SAT about some algae researcher guy. I’m excited to see whether or not the graders were inspired by Tulane PhD candidate Hobart Watkins’ groundbreaking research.</p>
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<ol>
<li><p>I’m saying that unless you’ve been in a sixteen-year coma, you shouldn’t ever need to falsify anything. What you already know is good enough.</p></li>
<li><p>With occasional exceptions, incidents from your own personal life generally aren’t the strongest. </p></li>
<li><p>There’s no one format or template that’s much better than another. The one you outline here is a fine start but it’s incomplete. (I won’t say any more than that publicly.)</p></li>
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<p>They won’t be inspired by “his” research. However, if you’re as bright as most people here, they’ll be inspired by the way you established the relevance of this “research” and the skill with which you presented it.</p>
<p>Thanks jkjeremy. Obviously I’m not understanding something. The college board shows many examples of essays with top scores that do personal examples, sometimes almost exclusively personal examples. I feel like I’m not following you. I’m not asking whether I should need to make something up but rather how damaging it may be. Yes, lying is bad. I get it. I guess I’m just destined for like an essay score of 5/12.</p>
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<p>Its kind of like an making up an alibi for a crime. Why make up an alibi that says you were home alone watching tv when the robbery occurred? That doesnt really help you. The point of the alibi is to supply a perfect bit of incontrovertible data.</p>
<p>You’ve invented something that goes about 20% to proving what you want to prove. Can your alibi be busted? It looks pretty plausible but then it never really helped much so even if someone believes you, the essay still looks like a 3. </p>
<p>As you note your historical details are fine so it looks like a plausible tale. “Sutters Mill” is a thing associated with the California Gold Rush so I doubt that graders would have enough knowledge that the rest of the ‘John Sutter’ tale doesnt line up.</p>
<p>I am still perplexed why someone would want to invent details to get a 6 on their essay. How is this a good strategy?</p>
<p>Oh don’t get me wrong, I related his research back to the prompt haha. And since I was making everything up, I was able to present it however I wanted, which was awesome. But yeah, I’ll let you guys know how I do lol.</p>
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<ol>
<li><p>You’re welcome. </p></li>
<li><p>I’m trying to encourage you, so don’t let anything I write here have the opposite effect.</p></li>
<li><p>You are NOT going to get a 5/12. I can almost guarantee it.</p></li>
<li><p>The extent to which lying is damaging is difficult to assess. As I might have said, using false examples IN ITSELF isn’t a dealbreaker. It’s what you do with the examples that matters.</p></li>
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<p>Why don’t you write an essay in your own honest writing voice, without regard to essay format and without using any BS, and either post it or PM it to me?</p>
<p>I can’t spend much time on it from noon to about eight Pacific, but I’ll fit it in somewhere.</p>
<p>Most everyone in the room has the same kind of online access that you guys do…and they use it whenever necessary, which isn’t often because fake examples are so (literally) laughably obvious.</p>
<p>You can rest assured that changes in this test are forthcoming.</p>
<p>I am going to rewrite your paragraph.</p>
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<p>Prompt: How important is money to happiness</p>
<p>Thesis: [money is essential component to removing material barriers to happiness]</p>
<p>Example 1: [my strategy: fake example where I want to compare/contrast the happiness of a miner with and without wealth]</p>
<p>Laura Ingalls Wilder’s short story “Ray of Gold” tells the story of John Sutter, his wife and eight children as they try to make a living in subsistence farming in Kansas in the 19th century. Life is hard at the best of times- back breaking labor from morning until dark. When things go wrong it’s very bad- crops fail, children die, and there may not be enough seed corn for a spring planting even if they make it though winter. John is kept up at night hearing his wife cry for their dying 10 year old and there is nothing he can do for his family. That is until one day a wagon comes bouncing through heading to the California gold rush. With nothing left to lose the family heads West and jump headfirst into frantic boom market. John works all day and even the kids help out panning for gold. So they can afford their own claim, and their own pretty two story house. The boom eventually ends but the family now has their own trading company which they run together. At one point Sutter had defined happiness if all his children even made it through the winter, but the story ends with the children expanding the trading store to other cities and the once sickly girl talking to her father about going to college. Just a few flush years in the Gold Rush made all the difference. With his family in peril he never could have been happy.</p>
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<p>This is an interesting point. </p>
<p>The CB also maintains that studying doesnt really change your score and that the SAT Essay isnt effected by length. We know both those things arent accurate. </p>
<p>I think the CB occasionally asserts things that arent entirely accurate for PR reasons. Like if elaborate study courses and Dr Chungs help then its not fair to people who cant afford them- therefor studying doesnt help. </p>
<p>The prompt used to be “… use examples from literature, the arts, history, current events, politics, science and technology, or from your personal experience” I think they may have toned that down a little because they dont want to be accused of class bias. Hey what if my poor school didnt have access to arts, we had no books in our library and no science? You rigged your test against poor schools!</p>
<p>If they say you can use personal experience, then no one can blame them. Everyone has access to personal experience. Thats why a lot of examples seem to have personal experience in them- it covers their ass. </p>
<p>I’d still bet that the majority of 5’s and 6’s go to essays that have academic references.</p>
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You are correct. Despite its “nonprofit” status, this is a moneymaking organization. Obviously this poses a conflict for a person like me…</p>
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Of course.</p>
<p>argbargy: are you implying that i should consider making up a work of historical fiction instead? </p>
<p>jkjeremy: I rewrote my essay and pm’d it to you–I really appreciate your generous offer to look at it. I was not feeling discouraged but honestly just utterly confused by what you are implying, although you’ve been so patient and kind with your time. In plain english, I still cannot quite summarize your take on the issue in one sentence other than “Don’t lie at all because they might start laughing ad writing about you on their white boards, potentially resulting in a bad score.”</p>
<p>Do you guys think that using how some students who have the potential of reaching a 1900 on the SAT’S are often content when receiving an average score (1500) which makes contentment a barrier for continual success is a good example? Honest opinions please!!</p>
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<p>You are missing the point here rower.</p>
<p>Yes, I did take 30 seconds to give the made up example a gloss of credibility. Laura Ingalls Wilder is a known writer and no grader would expected to know all her short stories. And if some of the details seem implausible, well it was a work of fiction I am referencing anyway. </p>
<p>That is really besides the point however. What I was really focused on was a point of view and then making sure that my example supported the point of view. </p>
<p>Here is part of the CB’s scoring guide for a 6:
“Effectively and insightfully develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates outstanding critical thinking, using clearly appropriate examples, reasons and other evidence to support its position
Is well organized and clearly focused, demonstrating clear coherence and smooth progression of ideas”</p>
<p>What was your “point of view”, your “reasons”, your “progression of ideas”?
A 5 or 6 essay would still hang together even if you deleted out all of the detail from the examples. You need to have a logical argument first, and the examples are things that support your argument. </p>
<p>Look at your paragraph again- its a block of facts. Its not reasons, reasoning, or ideas. Your prompt was “**how important ** is money in determining happiness”. Reread your paragraph- do you even attempt to answer “how important” money is? You essentially write a example saying here is here is a guy who was poor in these way, he got money and was rich in these way. You dont even say they were happy! just had a “comfortable life”. </p>
<p>Take a look at my quick rewrite. I tell you what my point of view is ([money is essential component to removing material barriers to happiness]) and I tell you what my reasoning will be in the first example ([my strategy: fake example where I want to compare/contrast the happiness of a miner with and without wealth]).</p>
<p>Notice in each example I am going to make sure I addressed the prompt: How important is it? Answer: "With his family in peril he never could have been happy. "</p>
<p>If your strategy for the essay is “give a lists of facts vaguely on topic of the prompt” you are doing it all wrong. There needs to be a logical argument there before there are examples.</p>
<p>My made up example about Hobart Watkins got me a 10 on the essay! Wrote to the very last line about that beautiful, fictitious man.</p>