shopaholic kids

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My d is a shopaholic. I've tried bribery. I've resorted to blackmail. Nothing works - I cannot get her to save the money she earns from her p/t job.</p>

<p>She does not want to be in a big city in college, since our home in urban. I admit, I'm encouraging the more isolated campuses, thinking it would remove her from the temptations of shopping malls. Then again, perhaps the only outings at rural schools tend to be to the closest shopping malls.</p>

<p>Has anyone else dealt with this with your beloved offspring, and did the situation improve once they were off at school?</p>

2

<p>I do not have this issue with my girls. But I will tell you what we do anyway. My girls have a yearly clothing budget. I think it is generous. So, that’s that. </p>

<p>My girls have used their earnings toward other spending money in college (not for clothing). While they get an allowance, they need to supplement the allowance with more spending money and that comes from what they have saved up from working. They knew they would have to earn money to have more spending money at college. They could not use that money readily for clothing if they wanted to have extra cash at school. </p>

<p>Therefore, you could put YOUR D on a clothing budget that you pay for. As far as her own earnings, she may be less inclined to use those for additional clothing if she needs it for spending money in college (going out, extra food, etc.). But I suppose it would be up to her as to what to use her spending money on at college. She could buy more jeans and cute shirts with her spending money but not have money to go out some place and wear them!</p>

3

<p>If she doesn’t save the money, she will be broke at school…plain and simple. Your job to be firm and NOT send her any additional spending money. </p>

<p>We’ve warned our daughter more than once that we simply cannot afford to make the required contribution toward college costs AND give her spending money for fun stuff; she’s on her own for that. If she doesn’t save enough she’ll find out quickly the first year that spending time alone in her dorm room while her friends are out at the mall shopping stinks, and when she returns home for the summer to work she’ll save more money.</p>

4

<p>Maybe make sure she doesn’t have a credit card at school? Just $ in the ‘parent deposit’ accounts for school spending?</p>

5

<p>yeah, we actually do give her a clothing allowance, and no additional money. So the $$ she is blowing through is what she has earned, not what we have given her.</p>

<p>Jolynne, I like your suggestion. Do all schools have these parent deposits? Actually, as I think about it, do colleges usually have necessities (e.g., shampoo) available on campus for purchase? That would be ideal, if they do…</p>

<p>She knows that she has to work on campus. However, not all schools guarantee a campus job to any student who wants one. But the intent is there.</p>

6

<p>I think learning to live within a budget is an important life skill. Some people get there without pain, some need to experience pain before they learn, and some people never learn. Your D might be one of those who needs to experience the pain; i.e. she is going to have to be without money before she realizes the value of saving.</p>

<p>Since my D’s were old enough to understand that money could be used to purchase something (4 or 5??), our rule has been that they save 10% of any money they earn or receive as a gift. Auntie sends you $10 for your birthday?..you have to put at least $1 in your passbook savings account, the rest is for you to decide. This approach has sort of worked for us; now in their late teens, D1 is a very good saver, D2 still needs reminding.</p>

<p>Maybe your D is getting a late start, but could you institute that rule now? Tell her that when she is away at college, she will need money for (fill in the blank). The opportunity to earn money might be less than she has now, so saving now is important. Go through some calculations with her now. Will she want $20, $30, $40/week for socializing? Figure 15-week semesters, that’s $300 - $600 per semester; how much does she need to sock away now to make that possible?</p>

<p>Also, what do expect your D to pay for out of her own pocket while at college? Does she know the expectations? In our case, we pay for everything billed by the college (tuition, fees, room, board). Everything else (books, lab fees, social life, shopping) is D’s responsibility. Books are a big expense – D1 spent $400 - $600 per semester on books this year. If you expect your D to pay for her own books, does she realize how much they cost?</p>

<p>Once you decide what your D needs to pay for on her own, the important part is not to bail her out when she runs out of money, unless it is a true emergency. A sale at Holister is not an emergency.</p>

7

<p>My kids were parsimonious until they were on their own. I wish I had worked with them more in budgeting and spending. </p>

<p>I know that I told them that we expected them to save as much as they could for college to take as much monetary stress off of us. So they did. They had had college funds from Day 1, and they added to it as much as they could during high school summer jobs, various checks they got from family for gifts, tips, etc. All of them had a nice college account that was THEIRs when they went off to school </p>

<p>My freshman is paying $2500 a year out of his own savings for college, in addition to whatever he makes during the year and summer. He also pays for all of his personal expenses, though we have pitched in at times. He has a joint bank account with me as the secondary, so that we can get money to him quickly if needed and a credit card associated with the account which he has hardly used. This was the same arrangement that the other boys had. </p>

<p>I think with your D, you and your H need to sit down and have a talk as to how much she should be saving out of her earnings. It’s really a family issue. She certainly should be allowed to spend her money as she pleases, as long as certain family finance obligations are met. In my opinion, if she wants to spend it all on clothes, that’s well and good as long as she is meeting what is understood to be her obligations.</p>

<p>My high schooler has a notebook that he keeps with all of his expenses. He is diligent in recording them and charging us for things that we have agreed to pay, and he pays for what we agreed should be his responsibility. Sometimes things come up that don’t fall clearly in either category, and we discuss it. We tend to be generous about it. But, he also knows that he should be saving for college and does put away money for that. </p>

<p>You need to go over specific numbers with your D so she knows what you are all facing as a family in terms of college expenses, and set up a realistic goal as to what she should be contributing in savings towards that. I have a friend whose daughter works part time, and has since she was 14, and she gives her parents about half of her earnings which her parents put into a savings account for college. They match the amount and put whatever else they can stash in there. The account is in the parents’ names because of the heavier onus put on student accounts, but everyone is clear that this is money for college. They have over $30K in there, and this is a family that is going to qualify for financial aid. They did the same for their son who is at college right now on aid, and they are able to pay for a private college for him because they planned.</p>

8

<p>ChiSquare…my girls are 20 and 22 and have been college students for a while (one for four years, one for five). Here is how we work it. They have each earned money and saved it up for spending money at college (what they use it on is their choice). We also deposit a monthly allowance once/month toward spending money. </p>

<p>Then, for CLOTHING, they have a yearly budget. But we do NOT hand them the clothing money. When they buy any clothing, they use our credit card and report in what they bought and how much they spent and I keep a tally and they may not go over their yearly budget.</p>

<p>I cross posted with others, but my girls also went off to college with a tidy sum of money that they saved up from earnings. </p>

<p>However, we pay for books and school supplies and clothing. Their earnings are more “spending money” that they saved up. One of my kids had enough saved up for four years of college before she got there. They also work during summers during college. They also got graduation money that they saved up for spending money.</p>

<p>If your D is blowing her earnings now before she gets to college, you do need to sit down with her and go over an estimate of how much spending money she’ll need in college and what she’ll need to save before she gets there and what she may need to earn in summers.</p>

9

<p>My parents gave me an allowance freshman year but haven’t since then. </p>

<p>I work 10-12 hours every week, and have since freshman year. I transfer $100 of each paycheck (usually $180-220 every two weeks) into a high-interest savings account and use the rest for spending money. Living in rural New Hampshire, I don’t really spend much money, so if anything in excess of $100 accumulates in checking, I transfer the rest into savings. I don’t touch savings except for emergencies.</p>

<p>I’ve no idea if that’s a good system, how it compares to the norm, or if it’s enforceable, but it’s worked well for me. </p>

<p>Freshman year, before I implemented this system, I didn’t have a savings account and had hundreds of dollars sitting in checking at all times. That turned out to be too much of a temptation, and I wasted lots of money on things I later regretted. My current savings account takes three days to have money transferred out of it, and is thus inaccessible for impulse purchases.</p>

<p>I do have a credit card, but the limit is low enough that I can’t do any serious damage with it. I use it for most transactions, then pay from checking. At the moment I’m taking advantage of the 0% introductory APR and don’t always pay off my balance, but I have enough money in savings (with a slightly-above-0% APY; engaging in some amateur interest rate arbitrage here :rolleyes:) to pay the entire bill when the introductory period ends.</p>

<p>I buy toiletries and such at the college convenience store, paying with the college ID (the meal plan includes $200 that can be used in the convenience store). </p>

<p>And I have never, ever used my parents’ credit cards for anything. My parents will transfer $100-200 at the beginning of term if I have trouble paying for books, but for everything else I’m on my own.</p>

<p>That was probably more than any of you wanted to know about my finances, but it’s one student’s perspective. My parents have run into some unexpected financial trouble in the last year, and it’s definitely made me more conscious.</p>

10

<p>I should add that the financial aid office’s estimated family contribution has no discernible relation to my family’s actual finances, and that I’m paying for most of my own education with a combination of grants and loans… so two-thirds into my sophomore year, I’m around $30,000 in debt. It’s a 2.8% interest loan with a 25-year pay-off period, so much less scary than it could be, but still daunting.</p>

11

<p>chisquare - not clear from your note whether you are dealing with a maturity issue (common) or a bona fide shopping addiction. I assume the former, in which case having her assume responsibility in college for a good chunk of her expenses will likely help.</p>

12

<p>I don’t think it will matter where she goes to school - there is such thing as online shopping. My daughter sends me those sites all the time. I like buying clothes for the girls, so I am more of a problem then them.</p>

<p>If you feel you need to limit your daughter’s spend, I would ask her to contribute $X from her summer earning, and only give her $Y amount for spending money, if you so choose. Our D1 needs to give us half of what she’s earned over the summer to go toward the tuition. We give her monthly allowance, and she works at two jobs while she is at school. She pays for almost all of her toiletries, entertainment, incidentals herself. I said almost because every once in a while I’ll see a few things pop up on her school acct(hockey/concert tickets). As long as it’s too outrageous, I tend to keep one eye closed. I know she’ll spend nothing for a while then I’ll see a 200 spend on a pair of jeans. </p>

<p>I think it’s best to just give her a set amount of money to spend, then let her figure out how she wants to spend it. Just make sure you don’t cave in later on.</p>

13

<p>Hi, mam1959 - I certainly hope that it is just a maturity issue. I have been telling her all along that: a) she will be responsible for books & supplies in college, b) she is expected to have a p/t job in college to pay for that, and c) she should have at least $1000 saved in her savings account at the time she starts college. So the expectation is there.</p>

<p>Other than the clothing allowance and perhaps a birthday or Christmas gift, we never give her money. I have told her that a graduation party this spring will be dependent on having at least $500 in her savings account. She is not on track for meeting that goal.</p>

14

<p>Some of us need a lot of structure to save. I know I do. So do my older kids. Just telling them to do so and that they will have to pay for some things in the future is not enough. Make up some budgets, systems and plans, so that she can start saving her money today. Offer her a match on savings. Get her started. I need a lot of structure and I need to stay on target, or I go off.</p>

15

<p>Send her to a 12-step program. She’s using shopping to fill a psychological hole.</p>

16

<p>S2 worked PT during high school. He was paid once a week. He mostly spent it on gas and eating out or going to movies with friends. When he wanted a new stereo or anything else for his truck, he saved up and bought it himself. </p>

<p>We told him he did not have to work his freshman year since we knew the big state u. was going to be a huge adjustment for him. We send him an allowance for living expenses. We were depositing it into his bank acct. once a month. It didn’t take long to see he wasn’t handling it well. </p>

<p>Since he was used to being paid weekly, he didn’t do well with the whole allowance at once. We switched to weekly alllowance and he has done much better and is even saving some now. The small weekly spending money doesn’t say “let’s go out on the town” the way the larger chunk did,lol.<br>
He is currently job hunting and hopefully will be back to managing his own earned money soon.
You just have to experiment and see what works best for your kid.</p>

17

<p>Liz, my S will be going to college in the fall; I found your detailed post helpful. Thanks for it!</p>

<p>ChiSquare, I have no advice; I’m sorry! Will a fresh-out-of-the-oven chocolate chocolate chip muffin help? Those, I have!</p>

18

<p>Help what? Mood, yes. Waistline, no.</p>

<p>But love those virtual muffins!</p>

19

<p>Oh, Chi, you know what they say: A waist is a terrible thing to mind.</p>

<p>:: hands Chi a muffin ::</p>

20

<p>Chi…I have the THE Shopping Diva in my house! Both girls love clothes but the oldest has learned to break free of the shopping demon. She is so frugal she won’t buy clothes away from home because they have…shudder…sales tax on clothes in other states!!! :eek: I buy her back to school clothes, christmas gift clothes and have been slowly helping her build career wardrobe. Anything else is on her dime. She does save her summer $$$ for school fun stuff. We pay for all school expenses, books, supplies unless she just picks it up on her own. Her skin in the game is maintaining GPA for merit scholarships. D2, however, could be my challenge. She love, loves, LOVES designer clothes! She does shop at H&M, Nordstrom Rack, Forever 21, TJ MAxx but also will wheel and deal for $200+ jeans at Bloomies. Instead of taking her out to celebrate awards with family she asks for the cash to get more clothes. She is addicted to jeans…True Religion, Hudson, Armani, 7 for All Mankind, Earl,Rock & Republic, etc., etc. She does save her money from summer job but will be weaned off our account when she heads to school next fall. D1 says it’s hard to keep buying when your closet is so small!!! D2 will need to enter therapy. I posted a link to a college dorm room earlier. D2 loves how the closet is organized and hopes she can do that to have all her jeans with her. Will be interesting to see how she handles it! ;)</p>

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