<p>Sometimes, it's hard to capture fully "tone" in e-mail and written messages, especially in relationships that have only existed for months (far less than a year) and been mostly in a more formal setting with some e-mailing. Sometimes it's good to just give the relationship a bit of space and breath and not "overanaylze" a particular communication. </p>
<p>I know that I have sometimes had a few misunderstandings via e-mail messages that would never have occurred if I had been able to speak with the person via phone or even better face-to-face. These miscues can happen even with folks I've known and communicated well with for years, but are more prone to occur in relationships where the other individual & I have known each other for months (or in any case less than a year). A lot of it comes from missing all the verbal and non-verbal cues you could get in other forms of communication which by necessity are missing from written communication.
If you truly believe that the professor referring you for counseling would NOT benefit you after thoughtful self-reflection, I'd suggest you may wish to thank the professor and indicate that you'll keep the recommendation in mind for when you feel you need the resource, and indicate that you really appreciate the intellectual relationship you and the professor have developed, and see how it evolves.
Sometimes folks do "switch" hats and roles with us and it's fine for us to nudge them and say thanks but we prefer the prior relationship/hat. :) At least, it's worked OK for me.
Good luck!</p>
<p>Let me suggest this: that the professor felt uncomfortable or unable to help with the personal nature of your problems, and recommended a therapist as a more appropriate outlet for your needs. </p>
<p>There is certainly no stigma attached to therapy, and there are many kinds of therapy (few of which are accurately portrayed on TV.) Don't let the incident bother you.</p>
<p>You sense a feeling of pity, a newly assumed superiority, in the professor's response. You are concerned that, from now on, pity and/or condescension may be a part of your relationship with him/her.</p>
<p>HIMom:
Thanks for the input. I did send a message back saying thank you for taking the time to reply, but I'm actually in a good place in life right now, with amazing friends and and amazing classes, etc. Hope that'll get the message across.</p>
<p>Happy Easter to those that celebrate it. May His peace be upon you!</p>
<p>"I have worked as a counselor at a college counseling center, and the counseling centers want professors to refer students to them if the professors have concerns about students' mental health. Far better to care enough about a student to give them a referral or to even walk them over to the counseling center than to have a student who commits suicide or homicide as has happened on campuses including the one where my husband works and where I used to work."</p>
<p>I could not agree more. A friend just lost her brilliant, talented college junior to suicide. I cannot imagine NOT referring a student to a therapist if there appears to be a possible need. Overstepped? No way!</p>
<p>You know, "that kid," it might improve your relationship with your mentor if you schedule an appointment with the counselor s/he recommended, just as a "reality check." Hey, you're going thru a lot of transitions here, from HS to college & who knows what else. It's something to consider in any case & I honestly think it might strengthen your relationship with the mentor prof you want to keep. None of the folks I respect have thought any less of me or my family or others who have seen counselors as appropriate, some even offer referrals without thinking us "whacked out." Please give it serious thought--it could be a one or two session thing, not a long, drawn-out, repeated long term thing. It would show that you respect your mentor's advice and are willing to try it; if I were the mentor, I'd see that as a great sign.</p>
<p>Don't take this the wrong way, as you seem wont to do, but you might want to seek therapy, thatkid. Your professor still likes you, it's OK, be cool.</p>
<p>MC,
How am I wont to take things the wrong way? The teacher ment the email to be therapeutic, I took it that way. I mean. I could understand it if I was unhappy, but I'm not--I'm overjoyed socially and doing pretty well academically. I love my school and my current place in life. I'm happy, plain and simple.</p>
<p>HIMom,
Interesting thoughts. I do want a good relationship with this mentor but I don't have time and like I said, I'm happy...</p>
<p>I've gone to a counselor when it was recommended by someone I really admired & wanted to maintain the relationship, even tho I was happy & coping well with a lot of different things. I think it strengthened my relatiionship with the person who referred me, as it validated that I honored his professional judgment & the counselor was nice & just affirmed that I was handling everything very well (it was a one-time 90-minute session). I still have an excellent relationship with the doc who referred me to the counselor now more than 6 years later & in fact we get along better than ever. I saw his referral as a sign that he wanted to do everything in his power to help me at a time when I was facing a lot of challenges (handling them well, admittedly, but they were definitely challenges--much like college offers a lot of challenges even tho we may handle them well & be happy).
Anyway, I chose to MAKE the time to show how much I valued the doc's referral and have no regrets. He offered me the choice of declining but I sensed he wanted me to have this resource so I made the most of the visit and it was very reaffirming and made me stronger than ever.</p>
<p>Folks do NOT see it as a sign of weakness when we follow through on a referral they make on our behalf but more as a validation that we honor and respect their opinion and referral (at least that's my take). All the times I've gone to counseling or sent family members, we've all been happy socially, professionally, academically. As I said, the counseling was just a reaffirmation at different challenging times in our lives.</p>
<p>On the other hand, the new therapist could recommend an unwelcome course of therapy. OP presumably will decline. I do not see how that will improve OP's relationship with the professor.</p>
<p>I think that OP should consider therapy if/when OP is ready and actually wants to do it. For CC posters to be insisting on therapy is to be doing just what the OP finds problematic in the professor's response. OP does not see the need for therapy, and does not want well-intentioned but unsolicited advice to obtain therapy. </p>
<p>At the moment, OP apparently just wants to know how it might be possible to work in a "nontherapeutic" manner with the professor in the future. IMO OP has laid the groundwork for that in the email in which she/he said 'no thanks'.</p>
<p>"I think that OP should consider therapy if/when OP is ready and actually wants to do it. For CC posters to be insisting on therapy is to be doing just what the OP finds problematic in the professor's response. OP does not see the need for therapy, and does not want well-intentioned but unsolicited advice to obtain therapy. "</p>
<p>I don't know if anyone is insisting that the OP embark on a course of therapy. I think some have suggested that the OP at least see a therapist for one appointment and get a professional opinion. After all, the OP's professor does have a doctorate in psychology and did suggest therapy in response to something the OP mentioned to the professor, something the OP has never revealed to us. I am among the people who presume that the professor is an informed professional who had a good reason for suggesting therapy.</p>
<p>I also know that it's not unusual for people to reveal potentially serious problems and then deny those problems when someone suggests therapy. This particularly can be true of uninformed people who think that a suggestion of entering therapy means that they are some kind of wakkos. Many people don't realize that most people who go to therapists are reasonably healthy, just have some difficulties that therapy can help with. In fact, the more well off, highly educated and sophisticated and basically healthy people are more likely to see therapists than are uneducated, poor and very mentally ill people.</p>
<p>I doubt that any therapist -- particularly one at a school counseling center, which tend to have a long list of people who are interested in therapy -- is going to suggest ongoing therapy to a person who doesn't need it.</p>
<p>When one posts on a message board, one is likely to get some answers that one doesn't agree with and that don't ask the question that one posts. However, sometimes those answers can be important and right. Unfortunately, some posters ignore such advice just as Lucifer did. He posted a while ago that drinking was fine, and though he drank a lot he knew he wasn't in any kind of danger. Several parents gave unsolicited advice that it sound like he was in denial of an alcohol problem. Lucifer ignored those parents and ended up dying after drinking heavily at a party.</p>
<p>Just in case anyone thinks this is made up, just use the search function here and Google. Lucifer was a Cornell frosh from St. Louis who died after partying at University of Virginia. You can find the news stories including one ,mentioning his CC name.</p>
<p>Just to clear something up re: NSM's posts on another thread:
I am not sucidual/homicidal/socially isolated/depressed/paranoid/psychotic/delusional or anythiing at all like the VT shooter, and nothing I saud to my professor should have given him/her that impression. He/she seemed to suggest I may be a danger to myself (but not in a suicidual way, it's long and complicated and personal), but I think that was a misreading of what I said. I don't drink, do drugs, or "hook-up." I have tons of friends. My professors like me. I'm involved. I win awards, I love my life. I am not Cho; I am not dangerous. I would NEVERF think of hurting myself or another person. I do not want to be lumped in with people like him, and frankly, people like him should be the ones getting help; not me.</p>