Should I help my daughter with college or retire early?

Parents Forum
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<p>Thanks, everyone, for your input on the matter, I didn’t expect nearly this many people to post, and I appreciate the various perspectives.</p>

<p>As for the three people who suspected a ■■■■■ about, I can assure you that the situation I described is true. The thing that I do feel the need to disclose, though, is that I’m actually the daughter and not the father. I’ve been getting ready to try asking my father to help out with perhaps a portion of the costs, and I wanted to see if it was reasonable to even ask; I thought describing the situation from my father’s perspective would not only be good for me understanding his take on things but would probably get more earnest responses from other parents.</p>

<p>I did try asking him for about 10k for grad school tuition about six months ago, and he told me that he would be retiring within the year and so couldn’t help at all. A few months ago, he told me that plans changed and he would be retiring in a year and a half, so I thought I would try asking again for any help from him that I can get. I don’t know if helping me would set him back a whole year, but it seemed like a safe estimate. He has told me on a few different occasions that he and his wife have enough saved up, or will once he hits his goal of 50 years old.</p>

<p>As far as the comments about health issues, to the best of my knowledge, there are no serious health problems. He has told me that he finds the job stressful and that that has affected him. Sometimes I ask him if he enjoys his job, and he tells me that the constant travel is getting tiring, but I seem to remember him saying that he does enjoy it sometimes. </p>

<p>I understand that he is anxious to retire, because he is incredibly hard-working and always has been that way. He really deserves more relaxation. That said, I wanted to try asking him because it will take me 25 years to pay that debt off and the realization is making me desperate. I don’t have any right to demand money, and of course when I ask for him to help, I won’t be demanding, but the importance of education was always emphasized while I was growing up.</p>

<p>Oh, and there was one other thing. The 70k is actually broken down like this: 12k in student loans from my undergrad (that I’ve already taken out) and about 29k each year of my two years of grad school. So, really, I should have said 60k, because I already took the student loans from my undergraduate as my responsibility.</p>

<p>@Mom2collegekids, yeah, you called it. You posted right as I was writing this. He does genuinely want to retire at 50, though. As for the housework part, since my stepmother works in a different state and often comes home on the weekends or for vacation, they have a good system for sharing housework. I don’t think there would be problems with the housework and such.</p>

<p>Hopefully all of you that have posted can forgive me for posting as my father, and I certainly didn’t do it to be a ■■■■■.</p>

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<p>I think you will find that this misrepresentation is not all that uncommon, but still unappreciated. Why not be honest about the perspective you were asking from? Perhaps because the answer would be different. It seems one thing to offer, and quite a different thing to ask.</p>

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<p>I didn’t ask the question as myself because I’ve seen others mocked and derided by their peers on other forums for getting assistance from parents to go to college (and I’ve heard it happen in person). I was afraid that posting with something to the effect of “can I ask my dad for financial help for grad school?” would come across badly, but I wanted information on people’s opinions, I wanted to try to minimize the observer’s paradox. And the offering/asking thing is not entirely relevant. I didn’t say in the original post that he offered, I said that the daughter (that is, me) had asked, which is what has happened/is happening.</p>

<p>As for the situation of my parents and help for school, my father paid for my tuition and living expenses for the first 3 years, and he and I agreed that a certain portion of that would be a loan that I would owe him (which adds up to a bit more than 10k at this point, this means I owe a total of 22k already). My fourth year, he helped with part of tuition for part of the year and I took over after that. The last year, I was able to file as independent on the FAFSA and had grants to cover the cost of attendance minus 12k in federal student loans. My mother (my father’s first wife) has always struggled with the lack of a college education and its effect on her career, so she hasn’t been able to help me at all financially. Actually, since she recently became disabled, I’ve taken her in to the second bedroom of my apartment that I usually have a rent-paying roommate in, which has made my own financial situation a little more desperate, but I couldn’t let her be homeless, which was the only other option. I’m taking care of her until her social security disability claims are approved, hopefully in 3-6 months.</p>

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<p>I see. Hope the responses helped.</p>

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<p>Rather than incurring so much debt, have you explored less expensive graduate school options and/or considering deferring grad school until you have more savings? Some grad schools provide funding via research or TA positions, making grad school much less expensive. Some employers also pay for grad school if it is relevant to the job. I would strongly recommend considering some of these options BEFORE committing to saddling yourself with $70-75K in debt.</p>

<p>We would never want our kids to take on $70-75 in educational debt and would encourage them to pursue all alternatives before going that route, including those I mentioned above.</p>

<p>If your dad is indeed retiring at age 50, I have serious concerns about whether he will have enough assets to keep him supported in the style he may wish and expect, especially if he lives another 30-50 years, which is not unreasonable. Investments these days are not doing all that well.</p>

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<p>OP, I am not irked; I understand. The thing that honestly doesn’t make sense right now is you starting grad school. It’s a myth that more school is always better, and more expensive school is always OK. Family circumstances or obligations and family financial contributions do matter.</p>

<p>For whatever reasons, your dad is not offering money, in fact he believes that you owe him money, and he is in a financial unit with a lady who is not your mother and who is not offering you money, either. You came to middle-aged people for comments, so part of what I can tell you is that their relationship may change when she is still working and he is not, and the purse strings will not get looser when it comes to money for his kid’s graduate education.</p>

<p>I assume that you are employed, using your bachelor’s degree. You appear to be completely dependent upon yourself. Moreover, your mother is dependent upon you for shelter, and you expect that situation to improve in 3-6 months, but you’re waiting for a federal agency to act on her application, and so there is realistically some uncertainty about when and how that will work out.</p>

<p>It would appear that you need to stick to your knitting at work, make more money, and perhaps find your way into a job where they will pay for grad school at night, or reapply and get yourself a better deal (scholarship, etc.) after your mother’s situation has stabilized and you have paid down some of your current debt. Also, think quantitatively about how much your income will really change, and when, if you do complete the master’s degree. Will it mean quitting your job for a while, or can you do it at night while working? People can dig themselves into terrible holes today with higher education. You have no safety net under you. Think it over very carefully.</p>

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<p>Ok…my opinion…your dad paid a goodly chunk of money for your undergrad degree. If you want to, you can ask if he will help you with grad school…but you need to have a plan B if he says NO. His reason for saying no does NOT matter…many parents (us included) pay for undergrad with the understanding that grad school is the responsibility of our kids. We help if we can or want to.</p>

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<p>I’m still trying to figure out why you need to take on so much debt for grad school to start with. Check around with other schools, find one where you can be a TA or work at a staff assistant in an UG dorm or something that will pay most of your grad school bill. Or get a job with a company that offers tuition reimbursement and take classes that way. All of the kids we know are paying next to nothing for grad school and will take out NO loans. Sorry, I have to agree with the other poster that said the bank of mom and dad is closed. The OP is an adult and needs to figure out how to start paying her own bills. If she can’t afford to go to grad school now, she will just have to delay, just like her parents had to set aside money to buy a house, buy a new car, etc.</p>

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<p>I think it is strange your dad is retiring so young. The only people I know who could afford to do are the ones who have made millions very early on. If that’s the case, then the parent could afford to help out. </p>

<p>We paid for our kids’ UG tuition and told them not to expect any help from us for graduate school. We are not looking to retire in the next 10 years, but we have given a lot to our kids, and feel in the next 10 years we would like to spend some money on ourselves or put more money away for retirement. D2 is considering law school. If we could, we would like to help out, but it is not a guarantee.</p>

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<p>A possible solution that never seems to get mentioned is asking for your father’s assistance after graduation. Assuming you ask for him extending his retirement now and he declines who is to say retirement will be permanent. Worst case scenario, you incur the 70K debt and once you graduate he is able to assist you with the monthly payments until you are in a position to assume them yourselves. At that point he might be not be retired and his 100K income could help offset the monthly expenses. Given his financial position it is not imperative he gives you the 70K upfront.</p>

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<p>I haven’t read the whole thread but some of the posters berated the OP when they thought he was the parent for being selfish and now that the OP admits she is the child, the subsequent posts berate her for asking.</p>

<p>OP, IMO, whether or not your father will postpone his retirement isn’t your issue. It’s whether or not he wants to help you finance grad school. Is this something you two had discussed earlier? Or is this something new to him?</p>

<p>We will help our D with grad school if she needs it because she is on full scholarship for her UG. But this is an agreement we made when she was making her decision so there are no surprises. For S, we are paying full freight and he understands that it is only for UG. Grad school will be one his dime.</p>

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<p>I’m 52, work as a software developer and am married to a similar vintage software developer. We can’t see ourselves retiring, period. One in college for 6 year minimum (likely 10) and the other 10 year minimum beginning in 3 years. That means 65 will be the minimum and we’ll likely have to downsize our home from the current mansion :).</p>

<p>Is it worth it? Yes. Not only for being able to provide a pair of educations that will ring somewhere in the order of a million dollars :slight_smile: but because that would be our ‘contribution’ to changing the world. I don’t think the world will change by the latest consumer electronic gadgets I help build, and IT consulting will continue long after the Mrs. is retired. So, that’s where our chance is…</p>

<p>Besides, we have lots of keen interns and new hires that provide ample motivation for us to teach the next generation a new tech secret or two…</p>

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<p>I don’t think a parent has any obligation for educational expenses after high school. College support is provided based on family values and available means. Grad School? you’re presumably 22 or 23 years old? You’re an adult. Time to start acting like one.</p>

<p>I’m with @SteveMA. Scrimp, save or find an alternative means, or postpone.</p>

<p>I think your Dads initial “vague” response (“uh… no… I can’t… I want to retire in a year…”) was his polite way of saying the same thing</p>

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<p>OP, retire. Your daughter will be able to manage her own debts.</p>

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<p>Since you are the student and not the parent, unless you have the charm and skills to convince your dad to delay retiring to help you reduce your need for loans, it’s not likely going to happen.</p>

<p>If your dad had been posting, at least he would have been contemplating his decision. But, he didn’t post…doesn’t seem to be contemplating.</p>

<p>If you can’t talk your dad into working another year, then ask if he could at least work another 6 months. If he’s earning over 100k, then maybe he could give you about 25k from half of a year’s salary. </p>

<p>I totally understand the “we paid for undergrad, you’re on your own for grad school,” but it doesn’t sound like he did pay for all of undergrad. Even so, many parents who have that mantra might still “give in” if the student has little/no other options to reduce the need for debt. My younger son is applying to med schools this year. Having “done the math” a long time ago, he went to an undergrad where he got nearly all his costs paid for with merit. Because of this, we will pay for med school. However, even if he got smaller merit scholarships or whatever, I still probably couldn’t just “shut the checkbook” completely and not help some with med school…just cuz I don’t like that kind of debt. I think parents need to look at it with a case by case basis. If your profession requires a grad degree and has promising employment after graduation, then if parents can help, I think they should. </p>

<p>That said, you do need to consider your schools. I’m guessing that you’re starting grad school THIS fall? What was the reason for selecting THIS school? Were there any other cheaper options?</p>

<p>When my older son was applying to grad school, we noticed that PhD programs were funded, while Masters programs didn’t seem to get much/any funding. So, he only applied to PhD programs and his acceptances all came with full funding.</p>

<p>Are there any other options that would mean less debt? </p>

<p>(I still don’t “get” the retiring at 50 part unless he’s a multi-millionaire. The guy could live another 40+ years and his wife doesn’t even live in the same house. Unless he has some time-consuming hobby or volunteering plans, I think he’ll be bored in 2 months. I also don’t get this “I’ve worked hard my whole life.” Well, who hasn’t worked hard during their life…certainly the people here on CC work very hard. I don’t think many of us could relax during retirement if we knew that doing so meant our child was racking up huge grad school debt. </p>

<p>Hey, what about your wedding? Will he pay for that? Maybe some room for negotiation there. Maybe get him to help with grad school and you’ll pay for half your wedding?</p>

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<p>Another point from your second post–why on earth should it take you 25 years to pay off your student loan debt. You scrimp and save for 5 years, get it paid of, done, providing that the job you will achieve with this master’s degree supports that. If it doesn’t, you don’t go to grad school.</p>

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<p>Actually, it is possible to retire earlier. A person simply has to have enough saved up, and also have the motivation to alter the standard of living – meaning, ditch the 450K house with the 9K annual real estate tax bill.</p>

<p>Consider, too, that many people die by age 67.</p>

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<p>Steve, it’s not easy to pay off $70k in debt within 5 years.
The amount will be higher at that point as well. But even if it is 70k, the monthly payments would be 1400 a month…that’s not reasonable.</p>

<p>This student also seems to be supporting her mom, so that’s an issue. She’s in a tough spot with her mom. She can’t just abandon her. And even if mom gets disability, that likely won’t be enough to live on her own. </p>

<p>My sister is a therapist. She racked up big debt for grad school at a top private. Paying off that debt was awful. </p>

<p>Young adults usually do NOT have a bunch of money leftover each month as newish grads. After paying for rent, utilities, car, car insurance, gas, food, professional clothing, cell phones, cable, internet, etc…there usually isn’t a big pile of money to put towards big monthly loan payments. </p>

<p>Ha ha…the D could tell dad that to afford her loan payments after she graduates she’s going to move in with HIM and maybe bring the ex along with her. ;)</p>

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<p>Ditch the Mcmansion, housekeeper and Gardner?! I figured hell wouldn’t start until AFTER I died… :D</p>

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<p>turbo-
“college” for 6-10 years? I am guessing that means you plan to pay for their professional/grad school. YOu are a kind parent.</p>

<p>We, like thumper, offered to cover undergrad. Neither child went into grad school directly after college (both are working) so not sure if we’d have helped with that if they d didnt have assistantships or other funding. One had considered med school but changed his mind. I still grapple with how much is “enough” to retire, but I don’t plan to work til I keel over. </p>

<p>And I agree that most parents can smell a ■■■■■ pretty quickly-- so to the op- next time be honest and direct about who you are. And misrepresenting who you are might be against the TOS.</p>