I am in the camp that would choose the school that will best prepare them to perform at college rather than get them admitted to one.
That is one of my many great lessons from my short time here: “It’s not where you go but what you do when you get there”.
I am also betting that the school that best accomplishes the above is ALSO the school that will best help them get admitted.
We moved so our kids could go to the A+ school district back when they were in elementary school. The HS is insanely competitive and very highly “ranked”.
Looking back if I had to make the same choice, I am not sure (because I don’t know what it would have been like for them in the B school).
The plusses:
The minuses:
TL;DR-there is no perfect school.
The girls say they’re happy where they are and they like their peers, and we’re not shooting for the ivies (there is one really hard to get into school on older D’s list, but it’s not an ivy), so I try not to beat myself up about the choice (most days).
It’s just that one place has more mental stimulation and cut throat stress vs other less stimulation and less stress.
I can’t see how any parent could justify sending their child to such an atmosphere for their teenage years when they should be growing and learning. I’ve heard enough stories about kids throwing themselves in front of trains or off bridges because of high school stress Just say No.
I think it depends on how stressful the atmosphere is. An easier school is not necessarily free of stress. There also can be stress being in a school where no one cares, where good students are bullied, where good students are often forced to do significant extra work in group assignments whose main purpose seems to be to prop up the grades of students who don’t care and aren’t willing to contribute, where assignments take a long time to complete the busywork but don’t result in learning, etc.
May parents [mistakenly] believe that is the only way to have a stable and happy adulthood.
I attended a public magnet which was high on mental stimulation and a competitive environment which can be described as cutthroat at times.
Some students like several HS classmates loved and thrived in such an environment.
Others wouldn’t enjoy the experience or worse, can and do crumble under the pressure and end up voluntarily weeding themselves out like ~28% of those in my incoming HS freshman class. I stuck it to the end mainly out of sheer stubbornness and a desire to stick it to a few HS teachers who did their utmost to encourage me to transfer back to my crime-ridden neighborhood HS.
However, my HS or others like it aren’t for everyone. This was a reason why when an uncle asked about my HS for his D and some discussion we agreed it wouldn’t be a right place for her considering her academic interests(Art) and preference for a collaborative supportive environment.
It also wouldn’t have been a good idea for several LAC classmates who graduated within the top 20% or better in their boarding/private school graduating class after getting to know them in and out of classes we took together. Especially the ones who felt the LAC Profs’ deadline requirements/pacing/workload was “too rigid/demanding”. Found those complaints to be odd considering in comparison to my HS environment, the LAC was much more manageable and flexible* in those areas.
One of the magnet high schools near us has the reputation of giving kids a nervous breakdown. Nope. Not going to send my kids there.
How do parents let these breakdowns happen? These kids aren’t boarding, out of sight. What’s the parent role?
I loved the bar at that A+ hs. It changed me. We still had lives. As do the kids around us now, when they and their families are realistic about balance. My brother wasn’t the sort who’d be positively influenced by the demanding intellectual climate; he was becoming a tech-y kid and the EC opps were superior at the A- school.
Growth isn’t measured in grades. So what’s the real question here? You’d sacrifice his “mental stimulation” because this is really about his final rank? You’re thinking he has to get top grades and rank, to get into a tippy top college, so you’d set highest expectations? Or you’d settle for an occasional B grade, in return for the balance of challenge, growth, happiness?
If this is really about college admits, gaming rank, see if you can learn where kids at the A- go to college. And rather than just drop in a comment about mental stimulation and cutthroat, maybe describe what each of these high schools would actually offer your kid and what he wants, starting with the freshman experience. k?
(Oh, I realize parents can’t influence everything about their kids’mental states. But many speak of highly competitive high schools as if the parent relinquishes his/her role as parent.)
This is really a kid by kid decision.
How does your kid like to compete or prove themselves?
Love to compete against yourself? Got a kid who does their “own” thing?
Look for the best teachers who challenge students in a big way.
Any special programs? Art? Band? Math club?
My D excelled and sings the praises to this day of one of these great teachers who expect a lot… English. Every school has them. She’s a “compete against yourself” person.
Kid would rather race against their peers?
Look at not only the faculty but also the student body Don’t leave your kid sitting in a wasteland of underachievers.
That sounds harsh but it happens.
What is the school offering that benefits your kids? More options? Particular courses? Science, Art, Math clubs with someone particularly great?
All this drama about choosing high schools is amusing to me. If you move into a reasonably good school district, what’s wrong with just sending your kid to the local public and being done with it? Maybe it’s a coastal thing, but I’ve not really known too many people who agonized over this unless there was a special situation (eg an arts magnet). One can overthink things sometimes.
Good grief. “Cut throat stress” during an already (usually) stressful time? I’d be running as far away as possible.
I don’t understand the point of pushing young people to their breaking point. This should be a time to explore, make mistakes, and so on- not worry that every little mistake (taking a course outside of the mainstream, taking on an extra project or EC, and so on) could cost you that precious 1% slot or a “shot” at “top” schools.
Peer pressure. From other parents and then when they get there, other gets.
If you don’t go to x high school you won’t get in to the best schools. So you send your kid there.
If they don’t take zero period to add an extra AP they won’t be in the top 10%.
Oh noes, Betty is taking 0 period and independent study to take TWO extra AP’s, and she’s ASB president and she’s on the State AcDec team. How can we do better than Betty?
And so on.
Yes, heaven forbid we keep our nose down and run our own race.
I consider myself a testament to the fact that one can have a happy and, by most objective standards, successful life without attending an IVY or top LAC.
Or believe education is a journey, not a race to begin with.
It is very easy to get sucked in to the rat race though.
Considering that admission to highly desired colleges is competitive, it is not hard to see why students get sucked into the rat race. (Not that this is good.)
In Texas, the class rank based admission in the public colleges probably heightens the competitive aspect within a high school.
PG, “I wish.” It’s more complicated in some areas today, especially those with so-called “magnets.” that are really uneven in what they offer and expect. And I wouldn’t leave that issue at “coastal.” It can be anywhere that one faces this choice, even in high SES areas.
We chose a tougher school for our kids, based on their learning and engagement styles. And while we encouraged high standards for them, they didn’t end up with 4.0 and rank, but did very well for college and came out good, educated young folks who can think and strive and be happy, all at the same time.
But how I wish their local public choices had been like mine and my brother’s were.
adding: btw, sometimes “cutthroat stress” is a perception, not the only reality. If you’re pushing your kids to be val at a TJ or Stuy, is it the school or your own expectations that are to blame? Kids do have a wonderful ability to stretch. It’s not the attempt that kills them, it’s the inability to flex.
“Considering that admission to highly desired colleges is competitive, it is not hard to see why students get sucked into the rat race. (Not that this is good.)”
And all the while, missing that just the (superficial) markers of the rat race (more AP, highest gpa and tippy top rank, having the lead titles in some clubs, etc,) are not what guarantees you into a tippy top college.
“It can be anywhere that one faces this choice, even in high SES areas.”
I get that it’s higher pressure in higher SES areas. I guess what I’m saying is that - for both my H and I, affluent suburban public high school grads (in different cities), the choice was made when we got into a good affluent suburban school district - go to the public school, done and done. That’s the whole point you moved there - the schools were good so why would you complicate things? We flirted briefly with the idea of a math and science magnet for one kid but really, all the hassle … Not worth it. I wasn’t a SAHM who had the luxury of spending hours in the car schlepping kids to private school. Of course, other people’s mileage may vary and people have to do what’s right for them, but honestly it just really wouldn’t have occurred to us not to use the local public schools.