Those fast ends to life appear efficient seen from this side, rather than the slow linger and dwindle. But a good friend died in the space of a few hours last spring, and the impact on her husband and kids with her sudden end is painful to watch. A friend leads sudden loss grief groups and states the same. Those left can hurt for a long, long time. Meanwhile though, my friend was facing some hard diagnoses, and I can see how there are some positives to her dying so quickly.
Death of a loved one is difficult no matter how it happens. Yet everyone will die at some point in time. Our discussions center around what is better having seen both ways of going (quick and lingering). There are certainly pros/cons to each, but no way allows it to be painless for those left behind who loved the person.
Even among the two ways, there are multiple variables like heart attacks vs accidents, etc. In our group, accidents/murder are the toughest of the quick ways.
The toughest of all is losing a child (in our opinion). A fellow teacher just lost his college age son this past year to a freak accident. We all feel for him, esp as he works with other students roughly his kid’s age, and many of us have kids roughly his kid’s age too, yet they’re still alive and often doing well, etc. I honestly don’t think I’d be able to keep teaching if it were me.
My SIL fainted when her mom was about to be cremated, luckily there were 3-4 doctors in our family at the funeral. But her mom died at the age of 96, I thought at that age, the pain would ease, apparently not. She was very close to her mom. Death at any age is painful.
I once read a theory about the effects of centrality and preventability as predictors of grief.
Centrality related to how impactful the person was to your daily life - so a coworker’s death may cause more grief than the distant relative, as you saw them every day.
Preventability related to the griever’s perception of if the death could have been avoided - so an accidental death might cause more grief if it was due to perceived risky behavior.
I never saw any research based on this theory, but the concept made sense to me.
It is not just life, but also quality life. While there are no guarantees, healthy habits regarding eating, exercise, etc. tip the odds in favor of being able to do things, not being a burden on others, living a prescription-drug-free (or fewer drugs) life, less worrying about pre-existing conditions increasing the risk of severe COVID-19 or other disease, etc…
Say hi to Uncle Fauja and Aunt Mathea.
Prescription-free is the/my goal too.
Running? Ha. How about LEGLESS (do not use legs to get up to the top) rope climbs at 72 years old.
Thought of you all when we were on a daytrip today to Rocky Mountain National Park. Mostly we were driving to see the “fall color” (which is Colorado is mostly aspen trees turned yellow). We did get out and take a short walk in the fields on a sort-of path. There was a weird fallen tree we had to cross over, and I was thankful we can till do that kind of stuff.
Photo fun…
Feeling thankful today. I was diagnosed with stage IIIa cancer in 2009 and am still cancer free since 2010 (still had IV and radiation treatments which ended 1/31/2011, and then oral medication for 10 years). A good friend was diagnosed stage IIIb (she had colon cancer) in 2014; well her cancer returned in her bones and other places over a year ago – and treatments kept her doing OK in stage IV, until she recently needed Hospice. She passed this morning. Sort of had some mini-information and counseling with her DH - he has a PhD in physics but was way out of his element with his wife’s medical situation and working out his feelings of loss; during the past two weeks he has worked through some of the grief/shock - and realization (through my info) that some of the immune therapies can abruptly stop working - and the MDs were doing the best that science has for his wife. Having been in several cancer support groups (and two Christian Cancer Support Groups) - I have had quite a lot of exposure to different situations on both ends of the spectrum. A Stage IV colon cancer lady that became cancer free (no true medical explanation for her healing); a younger quite healthy marathon runner who was abruptly diagnosed in stage IV lung cancer (due to a cough that wouldn’t go away) that by diagnosis time had spread to the brain (not uncommon from lung cancer) - and got rid of the brain tumor with radiation, and was doing great with the immunotherapy – until it abruptly stopped working and she was deceased in less than 3 weeks.
This is why I think it’s more of a lottery than anything else. I was diagnosed with my brain tumor in 2013 and radiation killed it just leaving me with side effects that I’ve had to learn to deal with (at least so far).
Right before my diagnosis the janitor at our school had headaches and went to the doctor. She also had a brain tumor and was dead three weeks later. Right after my diagnosis a lady who worked in our guidance office was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer shortly after she had finished running a mini-marathon - diagnosed due to pain that wouldn’t go away. She passed away less than two years later. Her birthday was within 3 months of mine.
I wanted to keep my diagnosis secret at school for a little bit, but my first day back to school a student came up and hugged me, letting me know they’d be there for me and if there was anything I needed to let him know. WTH? Then he apologized for knowing… said he heard about it - my guess is a relative worked in the doctor’s office. It’s a small town. Word can get around. I could have been mad, but his mother had died from a brain tumor and he was one of my favorite students so who can be mad in that situation? It felt good to know he cared.
I’m thankful I drew my straw and have no idea why the others weren’t as fortunate.
Seize the day - enjoy life while we have it. That’s become my life mantra ever since these things happened. It’s only become more clear when my co-worker had his son die in the freak accident - no alcohol or other substances involved. I’m thankful each time I can talk with mine.
That said, we had a veggie stir fry with eggs for breakfast this morning - it’s common for us, along with veggies for other meals and fruits for snacks. And we have a step challenge, plus do farm chores, etc. Fortunately for me, a good life worth living isn’t dependent upon burgers and hot dogs for meals while endlessly watching TV.
A friend in Dallas has been fighting Stage IV cancer since Sept 2019 - clear cell renal carcinoma, kidney cancer - tumor on spine (successful operation to remove) with another spine tumor radiation, then started on chemo. Lots of side effects (like had painful shingles and taking antiviral to clear that up). Keep testing for new growth, new tumors (like lung tumors). Rib fractures (side effect/bone weakness from treatments), of course lots of general weakness and pain. Infusions to help immune system. Some infusions that target cancer cells. He is sole family income source with their youngest just graduated college (a semester early) and got an excellent job in their area (Aerospace Engineer, Purdue graduate) so the son can have the time with the family. He has been able to work his desk engineering job from home and also with flexible hours (his boss has Crohn’s Disease, so understanding…) He also needed to work beyond age 65 due in part to having insurance pay for all the latest treatments. However he finally was able to transition to Medicare and supplement. He had a $2,000 deductible for a medication he needed, but thankfully a foundation paid for that. He is always dealing with side effects but he ‘is keeping the cancer on the run’. For example, he was able to now walk w/o the severe prickly feet. Retirement is with less stress and more time to take it easy - and the time with the family including grandchildren.
My dad died of stage IV cancer two days before his 64th birthday - no effective chemo, and radiation just gave a little time (diagnosed 8 months before death). Take just enough pain medication to be able to do things. Big decline in last week - hospital (for phlebitis) and in-patient hospital hospice 3 days before death.
A lot more long term survival with cancer treatment advances.
I still am trying to not ‘feel’ older than my chronological age. Some of it is dropping the weight. I am doing well with exercise.
I’ll suggest a helpful book that a lot of us have read that helped dealing with older parents… but also found helpful thinking of future selves (available from Amazon, but cheaper elsewhere; probably also in your library)
Being Mortal | Atul Gawande
It makes you think about what would be personal priorities in later life (and end of life care)… and good reminder of how you want to live now (when older than we’d like, but perhaps the healthiest we’ll ever be).
Sending hugs. My mom died exactly 2 weeks after her 76th birthday from esophageal cancer. She never smoked/was in a smoking environment nor did she drink heavily. She was active, playing badminton and biking. Doctors don’t know why she got it. Her dad lived to be 88 and her mom lived to be 94. We all feel she got cheated out of at least a decade, esp since her older sibling didn’t choose as healthy of a lifestyle and is still doing fine.
It’s a lottery mostly - barring the obvious of smoking/heavy drinking/couch potato, etc.
Esophageal cancer is a tough one - even now I don’t think they have great treatments nor survivability.
When one has GERD and maybe an upper endoscopy, they do take samples to make sure no cellular changes. Sometimes one just has a particular weakness there – but a lot of the time it is just a cellular aberration at a bad location. As you say, it is a lottery. You have the genes that you have, and an aberration is an aberration.
I have had really bad GERD after the cancer (and with weight gain) - Hiatal hernia and reflux so bad that I knew it was affecting my lungs. Had hernia fix along with Fundoplication surgery in 2013 (a rather big procedure to keep the stomach from pushing up through the ‘space’ again - they wrap the stomach around to be ‘fatter’ - and two surgeons because accidentally puncturing the liver or the spleen causes a big bleed and 4 hands have to work fast) - I had good surgeons and no complications (and was done with small incisions/endoscopy).
The 10 year oral medication can cause or contribute to fatty liver disease, which I have. Surviving the cancer, one takes what side effects one needs to because key is surviving. My liver functions fine, but I do not drink any alcohol because what liver I have functioning well I need to continue to function well.
Agreed. With my brain tumor the options were radiation with side effects and pray that it works, or letting it grow and death since it’s wrapped around part of my left carotid artery.
It didn’t take me long to decide.
Sometimes now I get really bad reflux at night - felt like I was going to choke to death on it once this past August when it went down the wrong tube. I don’t know if it’s common enough to get it looked at or not TBH, but it makes me think of my mom. She was on heartburn meds. One of those was in commercials for causing cancer…
I’ll disagree. As I mentioned above, most people don’t really know what it takes, in terms of exercise and diet, to live longer.
As I posted above someone with high visceral fat (fat around your organs), which almost no one has a clue about, since almost no one tests for it, causes disease, strokes, heart attacks, etc. You can be skinny have a lot of visceral fat, appearance isn’t everything.
Eating “right” being “active," sounds great, but it’s simply not enough.
Is visceral fat linked to various cancers like my mom’s?
I’m not a doctor, but the National Institute of Health states high visceral fat is linked to cancer(s).
Here are the risk factors for the cancer your mother had:
- Having gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD)
- Smoking
- Having precancerous changes in the cells of the esophagus (Barrett’s esophagus)
- Being obese
- Drinking alcohol
- Having bile reflux
- Having difficulty swallowing because of an esophageal sphincter that won’t relax (achalasia)
- Having a steady habit of drinking very hot liquids
- Not eating enough fruits and vegetables
- Undergoing radiation treatment to the chest or upper abdomen
You may have already covered this, sushiritto, but do you have any additional thoughts on what - in addition to exericse (vigorous and frequent) and healthy diet you’d suggest to lengthen a healthy life? I follow Dave Asprey and his biohacking tips - it all becomes extremely overwhelming though, and I’m not really sure what is legit and what are things he is pushing to sell (lots and lots of products promoted…).
I also had a (pretty serious) cancer after being a vegetarian since age 18 and a runner/weight lifter since 15, with a low weight for my age/height. Maybe that contributed to (fortunately) surviving the cancer/chemo but I do wonder…
I’m very sorry you had cancer and I wish you continued good health.
I’m no expert, but I follow a very simple diet.
First, no alcohol. I choose high-quality ($$$), unprocessed foods. I eat meat, fish, poultry and lots of vegetables, nuts and seeds (chia, hemp, flax, etc.), some fruit, little starch, and virtually no sugar. I shoot for zero sugar though.
I read labels, so if I need a chemist or a chemical engineer to understand it, then I move along.
I drink a gallon +/- of water each day. I keep my food intake to levels that will support exercise, which is a lot (90-150 +/- serious mins per day), but not body fat.
I also measure my body fat (visceral being the crucial #), including bone density, 1x year.
Exercise is constantly varied, functional (and non-functional sometimes ) movements performed at a high intensity.
To add to this…
Visceral fat is distinguished from subcutaneous fat, which is the kind that you can pinch an inch of if you have a lot of. Someone with a lot of visceral fat but not much subcutaneous fat may have a large waistline but not a lot of pinchable soft stuff. Of course, someone with a lot of subcutaneous fat could have a lot of visceral fat hiding under it.
Weight is a poor proxy of body fat for individual measurement, since high weight can include desirable muscle and/or bone as well as undesirable body fat (particularly visceral fat), and low weight may be due to low muscle and/or bone. Probably a better easy home measure is ratio of waist / height.