taking advantage of EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES?

Applying to College
1

Okay, I’ve written #2 and #3 of my University of California application.

But the dreaded one is #1, I have no clue what to write about. I scribbled this in like 1 second because I am really at a stalemate. ARGH. Is it that bad (200 words)?

Focus: Academic Preparation
Rationale: The University seeks to enroll students who take initiative in pursuing their education (for example, developing a special interest in science, language or the performing arts; involvement in educational preparation programs including summer enrichment programs, research, or academic development programs such as EAOP, MESA, Puente, COSMOS or other similar programs.) This question seeks to understand a student’s motivation and dedication to learning.
Question: How have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college?
(want to know level of intellectual curiousity, will this kid do above and beyond, how did you use your classes, how do you feed yourself intellectually?)

All of my teachers are bound to remember me. I’m the first one with my hand up, ready to participate, and the last one out, having lively discussions and debates with teachers after class, the most recent ones include whether women are inherently different from men and the tolls of sweatshops. 

I love to challenge myself to do more. My photography teacher wrote “amazing bibliography!” on my research paper. She only asked for five outside sources, but I easily came up with eleven!

When I took my first AP History classes, a new horizon of knowledge stirred my mind. I found myself reading books about Renaissance artists, all for my own leisure. I started reading the newspaper and watching the news religiously; I even vividly remember watching the Two Towers collapse on live television a day before my birthday. When my teachers suggest a helpful book, I would go look it up in the library, whether it be Benjamin Franklin’s biography or critical reading notes on William Faulkner. I grew to love watching PBS specials and anything on the History Channel.

Through taking time to put in that extra effort and really absorbing the material, I’ve discovered that learning is, after all, very rewarding.

Please tell me what you think. I know it’s very general and stuff, but I really don’t know what to write and desperate situations call for desperate measures… :frowning:

2

<p>I'm sure someone can help...I'm desperate...</p>

3

<p>anybody??????????? :(</p>

4

<p>do you REALLY love watching stuff on PBS and history channel? or are you just saying that...?
"I’ve discovered that learning is, after all, very rewarding."
i think that's a little cliche, althought i'm not sure how you can change it. maybe just take it out?</p>

5

<p>The Twin Towers? (Two Towers is Tolkien?) And if the Twin Towers, then the "even" in your sentence doesn't make sense. Who couldn't "vividly remember" that!</p>

<p>Did you do any extra-curricular stuff (school, summer program or otherwise) having an academic bent?</p>

6

<p>I'm not really sure that watching the Twin Towers collapse counts as "taking advantage of an educational opportunity", to be honest...</p>

7

<p>Take my opinions with a grain of salt please and don't be offended by my bluntness:</p>

<p>If I were admissions, I wouldn't take you with that essay. You make a big deal out of very mediocre accomplishments. You brag extravagantly. Your statements would be effective if it was written sarcastically or with humor, but it seems like you're being serious.</p>

<p>"All of my teachers are bound to remember me. I’m the first one with my hand up, ready to participate, and the last one out" -- not that big of a deal.</p>

<p>"I love to challenge myself to do more. My photography teacher wrote “amazing bibliography!” on my research paper. She only asked for five outside sources, but I easily came up with eleven!" -- one bibliography with a few extra sources - NOT big deal</p>

<p>"When I took my first AP History classes, a new horizon of knowledge stirred my mind. "
-- sadly, still not a big deal. everyone takes ap history. and everyone can make up a statement like that after taking ap history. (sure it might be TRUTHFUL for you, but 1000 more people can lie with that and it will look just the same).</p>

<p>like others said:
"I even vividly remember watching the Two Towers collapse on live television a day before my birthday. " -- it doesn't take a highly motivated super genius to watch the twin towers collapse. You say it like its' an accomplishment, and you mention the twin towers like it's a great joyous occasion "I EVEN watched...!!". Don't do that. Offensive and shallow.</p>

<p>I suggest rewriting completely. Focus on one thing (that is not mundane and commonplace), step back and say to yourself, 1) does that seem sincere? 2) will 10348038 other applicants be able to say the same thing and have it come out the same way? 3) does anyone actually care if my photography teacher complimented me on my BIBLIOGRAPHY?</p>

<p>And good luck. Hope I have not offended, just trying to help you out with some honesty.</p>

8

<p>I love to challenge myself to do more. My photography teacher wrote “amazing bibliography!” on my research paper. She only asked for five outside sources, but I easily came up with eleven</p>

<p>yeahhhh.. that's pretty insignificant</p>

<p>and the twin towers thing struck me as irrelevant and even less significant because everyone watched it whether or not they love history and because it was a shocking day in america.. the fact that your birthday was a day after also didn't seem pertinent</p>

<p>i don't know, i wish i had more suggestions, not just criticism. X(</p>

9

<p>grrr thanks everybody. i know it is s h i t t y... my 2 other essays are pretty good if i say so myself (i had counselors and english teachers read it)... i'm just at a freakin stalemate for this educational opportunities one.</p>

<p>polarbear: yes i really do love watching the history channel, pbs specials, reading natl geographic, etc.... :(</p>

<p>ellemenope: "Did you do any extra-curricular stuff (school, summer program or otherwise) having an academic bent?"
I have e/c's but I don't know if they qualify as "Academic bent": altar serving, lector reading, sports, tons of school service (open house guide, recruitment person by going to elementary schools and talking about my high school), 20 hours volunteering at a hospital....</p>

<p>grr why is this so hard for me, i have no freakin clue on what to write about. gah.</p>

10

<p>Your essay isn't half bad--it is one of the short ones, right? What UC's are you applying to? (Frankly, most of the UC essays I've read are awful, so please don't fret.) A few of my thoughts: </p>

<p>Instead of talking about challenging yourself to do more, talk about wanting to understand things on a deeper level. </p>

<p>Can you pick up an example from your childhood/middle school where you made the effort to delve deeper into a subject?</p>

<p>Then you can segue into the example of your ap history teacher who sparked you to delve deeper into Renaissance artists. Renaissance=rebirth of knowledge. You can play off of that--how it affects you and your situation. </p>

<p>I like the TV, national Geographic reference, etc. You want to understand the world--past, present, etc. Give an example of a show that worked for you.</p>

<p>Then put in something about how college is going to be so cool because you'll be able to widen your base of knowledge and continue to learn, etc. Frankly, as a high school student, you don't even know what things you don't know anything about!</p>

<p>Remember: 1/3 story telling; 2/3 how the story affected you. Bring the focus back to you. </p>

<p>What do you get from delving deeper into a topic, even an esoteric one? And can you put that into words that will ring true with an adcom?</p>

<p>Take out the twin towers reference, the bibliography and the helpful book thing. </p>

<p>This essay can work. Pebbles is right about focusing on one thing--something that you can trace. It would be nice if you could trace your love of "whatever" (history? art?)--through a timeline of your life. But if not, perhaps you could trace your love of digging deeper into subjects. Harder to write, but at least it won't be the "I challenged myself by taking AP subjects and I didn't think I could do it, and nobody else did either, but I did it and aren't I grand?" essay.</p>

11

<p>but S says you write very well.</p>

12

<p>thank you for all your advice, i will really use it. i am applying to all uc's except merced and irvine (dream school is ucsd)</p>

<p>simba: your son? ?</p>

13

<p>advice from my english teacher who knows every adcom at UC irvine: watch the first sentence impression. write about specific examples of how you took advantage--staying in at lunch/staying after school/recruiting people for AP classes to increase numbers and thus the number of APs offered/self-study/research with teachers/coming early to school/taking an extra class/taking a class at a community college/interviewing people related to the subject you are studying.</p>

14

<p>how about this everyone, i scrapped it out just now, i'm desperate!:</p>

<p>One day, I rode to school with my friend’s mom, a professional businesswoman. We talked about the future and the current political situation. She was so impressed with my insight and intellect that she later on told my parents that she couldn’t believe she was talking to a 17-year-old. </p>

<p>My dad always said that, as long as you keep updated with the news, you can have an intelligent conversation with anybody, which served most true. I started watching the news religiously. My AP History teacher enlightened me through PBS Documentaries and History Channel Specials. This encouraged me to become better informed with politics and the world situations. I often stayed after class to ask him questions or have friendly debates. During this year’s election time, I wanted to form my own educated opinion on the candidates; I read articles, listened to political radio stations, watched political television talk shows, and even wrote letters to newspaper editors. Even though I couldn’t vote, I had my own informal voting drive by encouraging everybody to vote and informing them of the issues.</p>

<p>But my curiosity is far from being quenched, I am eagerly awaiting college where I can have more discussions with distinguished professors and learn new things from a diverse student body.</p>

15

<p>anybody? i also have a question, what is the policy with indenting paragraphs for online apps (like hitting the space bar 5x before the paragraph). will they look down upon you if you don't indent? because when i tried indenting paragraphs, the word counter ADDED WORDS and i'm already above the limit and i don't want to make it appear worse....?</p>

<p>anybody have input on my new version that i wrote really quickly? anybody? </p>

<p>One day, I rode to school with my friend’s mom, a professional businesswoman. We talked about the future and the current political situation. She was so impressed with my insight and intellect that she later on told my parents that she couldn’t believe she was talking to a 17-year-old. </p>

<p>My dad always said that, as long as you keep updated with the news, you can have an intelligent conversation with anybody, which served most true. I started watching the news religiously. My AP History teacher enlightened me through PBS Documentaries and History Channel Specials. This encouraged me to become better informed with politics and the world situations. I often stayed after class to ask him questions or have friendly debates. During this year’s election time, I wanted to form my own educated opinion on the candidates; I read articles, listened to political radio stations, watched political television talk shows, and even wrote letters to newspaper editors. Even though I couldn’t vote, I had my own informal voting drive by encouraging everybody to vote and informing them of the issues.</p>

<p>But my curiosity is far from being quenched, I am eagerly awaiting college where I can have more discussions with distinguished professors and learn new things from a diverse student body.</p>