But that’s an assumption. The state school may have just been the better fit or had the better matching program to the student. You can’t assume it’s a $$ decision.
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Absolutely true. And there are often extenuating circumstances (parental illness which they’ve not divulged to the neighbors; child’s own health situation) which makes a large, in-state university significantly preferred vs. going “far away”. I’ve got a family member where the most important criterion was “is there an infusion center which operates on Sunday”. Which in many parts of the country means living close to a major academic medical center-- i.e. the flagship, in-state university. Student was not willing to “commute” for regular treatment for a chronic condition; moving out of state (even to another state’s flagship) meant a complication insurance fight which the parents were loath to start.
Money not the issue.
Maybe while we’re all keeping up with the Jones’ we can offer some grace to folks going through “stuff”.
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“or only going to state schools.”
Wow.
Both of our Ds attended state universities even though we could have afforded to send them to private schools. D2’s major was only offered at 7 universities, 6 of them state unis. The 7th was Stanford, which would have been beyond a reach. She was a very good student, but not Stanford level.
D1 was accepted to elite privates, but decided to go to a very well regarded state school because it had the #2 program in the nation in her field of interest (the top ranked program was a state school as well) and was located in a beautiful area she fell in love with when she visited it.
The fact that a student attends a state university does not in any way indicate that they couldn’t afford a private OR that the state school is in any way lesser in terms of quality.
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I think it’s more charitable to assume that parents on this particular forum would like for their kids to have choices. Choice is always a luxury no matter what you decide, IMHO.
I had a co-worker who had to have a heartbreaking conversation with her D that no, they couldn’t afford her dream school (which she had gotten into). It would be doubly heartbreaking if that choice was denied because of 20 years of luxury car purchases vs funding the college fund.
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In an ideal world, all college programs are on the table. Few families can afford that, but I can see how many parents would prefer to have that flexibility.
The ground rule we set for our kids at an early age was that we’d cover state school costs… and they could consider private school if they worked hard in high school and earned scholarships covered the difference. Over time we learned that merit scholarships were not as plentiful as hoped (though it did help that one was a NMSF and the other a NMF). But also along the way there were job and pension woes that meant that financing college would be harder than expected. So it was good that our kids were aware there are budget considerations.
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We had to have this conversation with our son, but what is a “dream” school really? He wanted to take out more loans for the dream school and we said no. After freshman year he thanked us.
Could we have saved more if we didn’t go on so many vacations? Sure, but life is choices and we’ve always prioritized family vacations. Some will criticize that - I don’t care. My kids wouldn’t trade those family trips for anything - neither would I.
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And these kids who “only wanted state schools” could have been the kids’ first choice schools.
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Seems like the heartbreak was worse after she put the effort into applying and then got admitted, versus bringing up the price limit before she put it on the application list.
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We always made our S aware that we needed him to attend a U where he could get substantial merit. Since he was a NMF, he had a choice of several attractive Us and chose one that appealed to him.
We didn’t “live large,” but did go on some nice family vacations, which we cherished. We kept our cars for 10-20+ years and are still in the house we bought 30+ years ago.
We are glad we could allow our kids sone choices of schools we could afford for them to attend and both went to a U they loved and made long term friends at.
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Exactly, and which was the case for both of my kids. D2 wasn’t Stanford level, but she could have gone to an array of good private schools had she desired to. Instead, her major drove her decision and it all worked out great for both kids.
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As to the notion that people who seem to spend a lot of money yet send their kids to public universities-I know many families who have a tradition of sending their kids to a specific school. This is repeated through generations. For some, it is a given elite private school. For others, it’s a specific state school. I think most of us know people like this. They are Michigan families or Ole Miss, etc.
Again, one cannot assume because a family who appears wealthy but sends their kids to a state school has somehow been living over their means (choosing cars over education funds) or has had some kind of financial reckoning.
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With the 2 billion mega jackpot won the other day I was talking to husband about what he would do with the 600 million (all you’d get from lump sum after taxes). Said he was glad he didn’t win (and never will because he doesn’t buy a ticket) because most winners end up in very sad circumstances mostly because they’ve no idea how to manage money. Said he has plenty to live on, has what he needs, money to get what he does want so he’s happy. At some point the money owns you instead of you owning it. Of course I said I wouldn’t mind trying…
I don’t think the majority of people know how to really manage money. The very rich have financial people, attorneys, etc. to guide them and willing to pay for that expertise. At some point the money runs you–to safeguard it takes actual work.
The one thing we did agree on was we’d spend on high end travel. My kids travel (not that high end though) and I do encourage it because it’s something you need to do while young and in good health and while the circumstances are right.
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My very wealthiest friend (definitely top 0.1%) sent all three of their children to state schools. That’s where they wanted to go, so that’s where they went.
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I think there is a lot of generalization going on in this thread about people who are wealthy and the “Jones”. What I see often happens on CC it becomes a thread about how frugal and money smart CCposters are and how people who have nice cars and nice homes and travel are somehow irresponsible.
I live in a community with a wide range of income levels. I have friends who never have had to think about money and live well but also give generously of their time and money. I don’t spend much mental space thinking if people with nice things can afford them. Some people no matter their income will have debt. Being educated doesn’t mean someone is money smart. I think when you look as a whole you will find people at every level who live within their means and those who don’t.
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I personally don’t make those sorts of judgements. They might’ve had a job loss, serious illness, lost scholarship, or other unexpected circumstances. Life happens; god knows I’ve had big unexpected expenses that derailed plans over the years.
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I personally am of the belief that if you can afford it, you should help your children pay for college. It’s the best investment in their future you can make.
No where does it say that you need to give those children any choice they want. You can put constraints on what you are willing to pay for.
It’s doesn’t matter if you take that vacation or buy that car. Or even buy that vacation home. Because your place is about guiding your offspring into a place where they can afford their own life. That’s my opinion. It’s not everyone’s though.
You don’t have to buy them a home, or pay for their vacation or buy them a car. You can certainly buy yourself those things. Because you worked for it.
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While it might not be well-stated sometimes, I think the intended tenor is often about the concept of “responsible” people looking ahead 18 years (realizing that baby might also need college money down the road, not just a Disney trip today) - while others indulge in immediate gratification based on current cash-flow, wearing blinders about what’s on the not-too-distant horizon.
I don’t think anyone would be begrudging someone’s past nice cars, homes and travel - if spending and saving had gone hand-in-hand. But if they later seem “surprised” with “empty” pockets, when it was never a surprise at all, then that doesn’t seem responsible?
Of course, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with choosing the whatever private or state school befits someone the best - but if choices are artificially, unnecessarily limited due to parents overindulging earlier, then that’s an unfortunate, preventable outcome.
I left it completely to my daughter where she visited (incl. state flagships), applied, and ultimately enrolled; as a parent I had seen offering that flexibility as one of the responsibilities I assumed at her birth, since we were fortunate (=privileged) to comfortably save for that.
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I think a lot of assumptions made that people who have spent haven’t saved. They very well could have done both.
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But who are you to judge that it’s unfortunate? Who decides what is “overindulgent “? I know many parents who don’t help their children pay for college at all -they just co-sign the loans. Not my way of doing things, but it’s not my family.
We saved and gave our kids a budget. Our one had an issue that made the school he had his heart set on unattainable in that budget. He went to another school. Could we had made more sacrifices and saved more? Probably, but we didn’t. It’s not unfortunate.
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There’s always the opposite side of the coin. Used to be a chemo doc who drove the oldest car on the block. A real clunker. So much talk about “why doesn’t he get a REAL car?!”.
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