The Walls of My Psychosis

College Confidential Community
1

<p>So here I sit at half-past-midnight, curious as to what feedback I might get from posting some of my "poetry" on here. I've never been able to get sufficient feedback from other websites, so perhaps I can rely on you to review my stuff. My first entry, "Masochistic Sakura", was written thirty minutes ago. I was half asleep, so I didn't really pay attention to what I was writing. Well, maybe you will, and I'd like to see if you'd leave a comment or two, as well as requests for more poetry. Thanks for your time.</p>

<p>Masochistic Sakura
Written by Kristine Brown (AKA: R_V)</p>

<p>I will always welcome you
Welcome you always in a sakura storm
With incense thick, my sad approval hugs your frowns so frayed
A sparkle dim, your fruit defiled, your veins too creased in shame
Droplets swimming down your skin do tell me you’ve nowhere to lie
Tell me of those days in which your soft green collar stood crisp with joy
Carnation-creamed glory apt to flow from your laugh lines born back in May
Gliding down, sensing warmth, you say he stood by the street ahead
Friction between his back and the stop sign enough to burn your shyness
Pattering over with a pinch from the wind, a hope forever stays
Riding these waves of eagerness, your freedom grants it all
But you journey too far; your pulse grows too swift
Yet before that tune of a heart attack,
Comes the heat which flows from this man’s needy fingers
Whittling away, calling for friends
And you’re safe within the moist of his hand, the life of his tears, his whistle alive
Those nails that seem so manicured, they tickle you as the sun shines
Minutes thereafter, drugged by his want, his making you a dear little therapist
You get the feeling this is all you need, that home is a chimera best to cease
Buried in his shirt, the plaid your new domain
You sweat away your prudence, thinking you’ve felt your soul
But as the grayness of God prevails throughout this world
You’re forlorn, shunned, awakened
Trampled, your conscience fights the black of this gravel
And you sobbed as I put you in my pocket
I knew there was a change in you, newfound crispness, something unchaste
I heard your self-beatings sore with disdain, scarring your winsome, once-perfect face
And now you are calm, but you just cannot go
And I have no choice but to watch you linger
Crooning your duet with the morbid breeze
That reminds you, you are now untouchable</p>

<p>But I will always welcome you
Welcome you always, Sakura Dear
I’ll stay to appraise your broken trills
Your song, a banner for prayer</p>

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<p>Okay... I decided to make some adjustments. It's funny that I get 33 views and no comments afterwards...</p>

<p>"Masochistic Sakura"</p>

<p>I will always welcome you
Welcome you always in a sakura storm
With incense thick, my sad approval hugs your frowns so frayed
A sparkle dim, your fruit defiled, your veins too creased in shame
Droplets swimming down your skin do tell me you’ve nowhere to lie
Tell me of those days in which your soft green collar stood crisp with joy
Carnation-creamed glory apt to flow from your laugh lines born back in May
Gliding down, sensing warmth, you say he stood by the street ahead
Friction between his back and the stop sign enough to burn your shyness
Coming on over with a pinch from the wind, a hope forever stays
Riding these waves of eagerness, your freedom grants it all
But you journey too far; your pulse grows too swift
Yet before that tune of a heart attack,
Comes the heat which flows from this man’s needy fingers
Whittling away, calling for friends
And you’re safe within the moist of his hand, the life of his tears, his whistle alive
Those nails that seem so manicured, they tickle you as the sun shines
Minutes thereafter, drugged by his want, his making you a dear little therapist
You get the feeling this is all you need, that home is a dream best to die
Buried in his shirt, the plaid your new domain
You sweat away your reason, thinking you’ve felt your soul
But as the grayness of God prevails through this world
You’re forlorn, scorned, awakened
Trampled, your conscience fights the black of this gravel
And you sob as I put you in my pocket
I knew there was a change in you, newfound dryness, something unchaste
I heard your self-beatings sore with disdain, scarring your clean, once-perfect face
And now you are calm, but you just cannot go
And I have no choice but to watch you linger
Crooning your duet with the angry breeze
Which reminds you, you are now untouchable</p>

<p>But I will always welcome you
Welcome you always, Sakura Dear
I’ll stay to appraise your broken moan
Your song, a beggar for prayer</p>

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<p>ill leave a comment</p>

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<p>Thank you! Yay! It's Spectrum, being inconspicuous again!</p>

5

<p>the last line seems to be too abrupt</p>

<p>-being inconspicuous again</p>

<p>and i don't understand the above. why am i inconspicuous?</p>

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<p>also, try to make some rhythmic rhymes whenever possible; they sound cool</p>

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<p>Okay. Thanks. Any suggestions as to how I can make it more "full"? </p>

<p>And what is it that you don't understand?</p>

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<p>-Tell me of those days in which your soft green collar stood crisp with joy</p>

<p>remove all unnecessary words; replace "in which" with "when". replace 'those" with "the"</p>

<p>-your veins too creased in shame</p>

<p>remove "too"</p>

<p>-Friction between his back and the stop sign enough to burn your shyness</p>

<p>missing verb?</p>

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<p>-But you journey too far; your pulse grows too swift</p>

<p>But your pulses grow so swift, your journey too far</p>

<p>-Trampled, your conscience fights the black of this gravel</p>

<p>consider replace latter with two more adjectives , then start a new line</p>

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<p>Alright. Thanks so much! (Well come back with an improved version...)</p>

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<p>-I knew there was a change in you, newfound dryness, something unchaste</p>

<p>remove "i knew". also, becareful with verb tenses (?)</p>

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<p>decide if this is lyrics or poem. therefore, read it out loud, and see if the format doesnt sound right</p>

<p>don't mean to sound harsh... i probably can't write like that. good job</p>

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<p>This is a poem. I know it's kind of flawed though because I wrote it at 1:30 in the morning. I purposely changed the verb tense, but I made some tweaks to make it sound better. </p>

<p>Changes are marked with a *. There isn't much I can do about the last line, but I would like it to stay short. Thanks again. </p>

<p>Masochistic Sakura
Written by Kristine Brown</p>

<p>I will always welcome you
Welcome you always in a sakura storm
With incense thick, my sad approval hugs your frowns so frayed
A sparkle dim, your fruit defiled, your veins creased in shame
Droplets swimming down your skin do tell me you’ve nowhere to lie
*Tell me of the days when your soft green collar stood crisp with joy
Carnation-creamed glory apt to flow from your laugh lines born in May
Gliding down, sensing warmth, you say he stood on the street ahead
The Friction between his back and the STOP sign is enough to burn your shyness
Coming on over with a pinch from the wind, a hope forever stays
Riding waves of eagerness, your freedom grants it all
But your pulses grow so swift, your journey too far
Yet before that tune of a heart attack,
Comes the heat which flows from this man’s needy fingers
Whittling away, calling for friends
And you’re safe within the moist of his hand, the life of his tears, his whistle alive
Those nails seeming so manicured, they tickle you as the sun shines
Minutes thereafter, drugged by his want, his making you a dear little therapist
You get the feeling this is all you need, and home is a dream best to die
Buried in his shirt, the plaid your new domain
You sweat away your reason; still thinking you’ve felt your soul
But as the grayness of God prevails through this world
You’re forlorn, scorned, awakened
Trampled, your conscience fights the black of this gravel
*And you sob as I put you in my pocket
*I sensed there was a change in you, newfound dryness, something unchaste
*Heard your self-beatings sore with disdain, scarring your clean, once-perfect face
And now you are calm, but you just cannot go
And I have no choice but to watch you linger
Crooning your duet with the angry breeze
Which reminds you, you are now untouchable</p>

<p>But I will always welcome you
Welcome you always, Sakura Dear
I’ll stay to appraise your broken moan
Your song, a thin weak prayer</p>

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<p>why are you giving your real name on the forum</p>

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<p>and why are you so crazy, writing poetry for the sake of writing it</p>

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<p>About posting my real name... I don't see the harm in it. Besides e-mail, it's all I'll give online when it comes to personal info. </p>

<p>Hmm... I don't know why I'm crazy. No, I'm not crazy. Maybe a little whimsical though. I write poetry because it makes me happy. I can say whatever I want, and I don't have to worry about people laughing at me as much. And it's fun to look back on what I've written once I get older and more skilled at the craft. </p>

<p>I'm guessing poetry is not your cup of tea?</p>

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<p>lol your wording made me laugh. "cup of tea"? i'll say</p>

<p>hows your bigger project coming along</p>

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<p>Ah, the novel. I haven't been getting much progress done lately. I'll have to wait until this summer (which comes in three weeks), because I simply can't focus on something so big when English is dominating my time. But I will keep up with it, and I will have to do some research if I plan on creating something profound and realistic. </p>

<p>How's your project been going?</p>

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<p>R_V
poetry is not my cup of tea- i usually can't stand it (sorry). iam abnormally good at rhyming though...</p>

<p>but anyway i had to say that i think you write REALLY well. even from just reading that introductory paragraph in your original post and your responses in the thread, it was nice to read. especially since most of the writing on the internet is very...messy (like mine is right now lol)</p>