UA CC parents

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of Alabama
1

<p>First, I want to say this isn’t a ■■■■■ thread and I’m not trying to step on anybody’s toes, just trying to understand the perspective. </p>

<p>As I read through the UA CC threads, I’ve noticed that a lot of parents on here are super involved with their students lives, sometimes even to the extent of being involved in the course selection process. When I was growing up (I’m in my mid 20’s now,) my parents took a pretty hands off approach to raising me. They were there for when I stumbled, but for the most part taught personal responsibility and decision making from a very early age. During my first go’round in college, my parents didn’t even have access to my student account (mid 2000’s version of mybama.) all they wanted to see was my end of semester grades, and beyond wanting to make sure I stayed out of jail and didn’t get expelled, I was pretty much free to do as I saw fit and become an adult on my own. </p>

<p>Now, as I prepare to get out of the military and go back to school, and my younger brothers going through school, I’ve noticed that a lot of hands on parenting (some might even go so far as calling it hand holding) and frankly, it intrigues me. </p>

<p>Can someone explain the rationale behind it for me? Did you decide from the beginning that you were going to be as hands on as you are, or did it just happen because of your/your child’s personalities? If you’re the parent that is still very hands in with their child even into college, at what point do you plan on stepping back? My parents are now much more hands on with my brother, but there are unique circumstances there, so there’s no way of telling if those circumstances necessitated a change in their approach, or if societies expectations of child rearing has changed and they along with it.</p>

<p>I’m not trying to ■■■■■, I assure you. This parenting technique is completely foreign to me, and when the conversation came up about possibly starting a family in the near future, I’ve started paying a lot more attention to the way parents and children interact with each other.</p>

2

<p>Great post! I’ll be the first to push the reply bar and expect the crack-pellet to drop down from the CC machine…</p>

<p>I definitely agree with you that society and the way we parent has changed radically in the past few decades. I can’t put a finger on why this is so exactly (PM me if you really want my discourse on society), other than to point to my own upbringing which was similar in that my parents were completely hands-off with me. Coupled with the fact that I was very independent from a very early age, and this led to them being very uninvolved in my life. Once I had my own kids, I started to realise that I actually resented this. I vowed that I would not be like my parents were with me, and I would parent differently. Also, for reasons that I care not to go into, I was robbed of a great deal of my own childhood, and this also fueled my interest in being even more involved with my own kids’ lives because I mourned the fact that I did not have such a sweet one. It has been fun re-living (or in some cases actually living for the first time) all of the things that my kids do, and SHARING these experiences WITH my children.</p>

<p>Now, take CC. Knowledge is a two-edged sword. Who doesn’t benefit from reading the marvelous body of knowledge that has been amassed by parents who are heavily involved with their kids? We read these tips and two things happen: we feel that we too need to get on board with the program and start becoming involved (or more involved) in our student’s life and pass along to them the knowledge we learn…and then we turn right around and offer our experiences back to others so that they can in turn learn from us, thus perpetuating this cycle of uber involvement. We all have the best of intentions. Not one of us is trying to harm our children in any way by being involved in their lives. But the implication is there that we are.</p>

<p>I view my uber involvement in my kids’ lives as truly sharing their experiences with me, not controlling those experiences for them. Am I living vicariously? Of course. It’s the new norm and I’m not going to be left behind. (Just like reading these CC crack-pellets.) </p>

<p>Neither of my kids is an entitled brat. They are both very happy and successful students and will continue being happy and successful members of society, and this happiness and success HAS BEEN IN PART MY DOING. Yep, I’m going to take credit for it because that is how I parented and that is what I expected to happen. I believe my husband and I have done a great job of navigating the parenting minefield in this la-la land that we live in. And if we messed up, then these happy and successful kids can use the money they saved by going to UA towards their own therapy bills.</p>

<p>Please don’t judge. There are no right or wrong answers here. Only great discussion points.</p>

3

<p>It’s not as if we expect them to join the family business and bring their family-selected spouses to live in a communal four-generation flat above the store in which we all work.</p>

<p>Although THIS was a common model for parental expectations just three generations ago.</p>

4

<p>Ok so I too had uninvolved parents and I did fine. However, I feel that I missed out on a lot of opportunities in college because I didn’t know they were available. In today’s society and in college as well we have so many options and choices these days that it is hard to keep up with it all. I am involved to help my children have the most opportunities available to them. My oldest is a junior and I am barely involved with any of his college and coop decisions at this point. I was however highly involved the first year, then a little less the second year. It gave him the opportunity to learn to navigate this new environment and focus more on his classes and less on figuring the system out. He is thriving now and I help if and when he asks but he is basically independent at this point. I expect it to work the same way with my D. I am sure there are things I am doing now that my children will want to do differently. That’s the way it should be. We just make the best choices we can and love them completely.</p>

5

<p>I only looked at colleges within 60-90 minutes from home. My Dad didn’t see me college until Parents Weekend. My parents never toured a school with me.</p>

<p>Fast forward to my son, he looked in Canada and continental US. Many, many more things to navigate for him. Logistics. Cost of school, transportation and rents in each region. Not to mention the sky rocketing cost of tuition and fees. He was overwhelmed. And the college tours he set up all asked how many parents were attending. I felt I was expected to be involved from the Admissions Reps.</p>

<p>I got heavily involved because 1. It is overwhelming to expect 1 individual to look at the process from all angles. 2. Cost. With today’s cost, few kids can do it with their own funds. Once it was MY money, I paid much more attention. After all, I need to stretch out my funds for multiple kids AND I don’t want boomerang kids to be living with me in the 20s. I see this often due to the loans and lack of jobs. 3. Bama’s age of consent being 19 means I better stay involved and understand all the things DS cannot do on his own. </p>

<p>I want my kid to have a great experience. If I can ease his transition by understanding the ins and outs and helping him max his credits to dual major then it is worth my time. Once he gets thru freshmen year, I am sure he will know more about the system then me and I’ll step out.</p>

6

<p>OP – This hands on just isn’t with college stuff. </p>

<p>By 13, I walked myself to the dentist and routine doctor visits. My 17 yr old called me from the dentist last week. They refused to see him with a parent. This was a routine cleaning. I was so frustrated that I had to reschedule the appointment and take off from work.</p>

<p>I also had a checking account in my name only at 13. Today, my kids need us to have a joint account.</p>

<p>Believe me, there are many areas in which I’d appreciate my kids having more autonomy.</p>

7

<p>I’ve given mine age appropriate responsibilities since they were little. I’m not a Helicopter Parent, know plenty of those, NOT ME! However, I’m involved to the extent that I know what is going on. When they were small and now even in high school when I am volunteering at their school or the HS band, I may not see them the whole time except in passing. I’m not there for them, I’m there for all of the kids. Lots of things need to be don for them to be able to pull off all that they get to do and the teachers/band directors can not do it all. I’ve been blessed with the time and resources and feel very fortunate that I do have the chance. Yes, my kids like that I am involved but not hovering over them. To me the 2 greatest joys from being involved at school with them has been 1. being the “parent” there for the kids whose parents never are 2. Years later when telling stories my kids will say the “remember when mom…”. Yes, I’m one of the 3 band moms that at a contest last year when cleaning up from feeding them grabbed a cardboard box and we raced down the hill in our boxes :slight_smile: </p>

<p>How do I keep the “distance” though from being the helicopter parent: My kid would call home and say they left their lunch box here. Yep, it is here. End of story. No running taking it to them. Same for homework. Next time they will remember. Cause I will not be there when they go off to college nor when they go out and get a job. When they have a scheduling issue or whatever, they know THEY can go to a counselor/teacher and discuss options available about changing a class or making up work. Mom does not have to be running up there whining over everything she wants done for her special snowflake. This is why I feel confident in sending my D off 10 hours away.</p>

<p>As for being on CC, thank heavens for the wonderful contributors on here!!! They have informed us of things to see/do/plan for so that we are not going in blind and can plan a bit better. College is not the same as it was 30 years ago. I worked full time and paid for my own tuition. Parents could not get grades and we could not give them permission (no online accounts then). Now, I’m footing the bill and her job is to do good in school. We have been blessed with the resources and want them to be successful as well, therefore, we will know what the grades are. I’m not going to be checking them that often at all, heck, I didn’t much this year with one in high school and one in middle school. Mid term and close to the end of the semester most likely will do it. I loaded my own car and moved myself into the dorm. Registered for classes on my own, etc. No help about what to look for, etc. A lot has changed when it comes to college if a student is going to do very well. It is way more competitive. Having the extra edge helps when it comes to knowing what to prepare for and expect. </p>

<p>Longhaul, thank goodness our dentist is our neighbor and they knew the girls were coming without a parent and it was okay. Bank issue, not so. I had my own account as well at a very young age, worked at the bank at 16. My kid could not get one at our bank till she was 18. Like someone else posted, with the age of consent in Alabama being 19 I’ve had to make sure in her first aid kit she has anything she could possibly need. I’m 10 hours away and can’t get it to her that fast when she is sick and has a class she must get to. </p>

<p>D2 is going to be a different game than D1. She is an athlete and wants to be recruited. Whole different world!!! Gonna be on CC learning the ropes for that for sure.</p>

8

<p>Cleonard19 is only 25ish. Barely a different generation than our current students (he’s the same age as my oldest son).</p>

<p>Cleonard19, I could ask you why your parents weren’t more involved. Fact is, like most things in life, there are many styles of parenting, none of which are completely right or wrong. I think another difference with you may be that you are doing college on your own dime whereas some other parents on here are on the hook for the majority of the $. Believe me, being financially responsible makes one much more vested in the outcome.</p>

<p>As far as why I helped my son with his initial schedule, we were going to BB directly after graduation. Having to study for multiple AP tests, taking CLEP, and the many end-of-year activities, my son just didn’t have a lot of time to research professors, etc by the time he had to enroll. I did some research for him but the courses/schedule he wound up with was his own choice.</p>

9

<p>We are definitely hands on why? Probably because my parents nor DH’s were; in my case my parents only disciplined when my grades were not what they should have been with little support in btwn and in my DH’s his mom was oblivious, he attended a Jesuit HS (on scholarship) and he was offered a full tuition Scholarship at Georgia Tech based off PSAT scores but he had no idea about other aid, he knew his parents could not afford it and so he didn’t go. Beyond that our D is an only. </p>

<p>However I will say that our version of helicoptering is different than many. We don’t make decisions for D, we show her the options ultimately it is her choice. Sure I helped her with her schedule, why? Because I have done college schedules before and she has not. I pulled all the classes I thought she might be interested in, she picked what she wanted. I suggested certain sections and she made the decision on whether that is what she wanted. Frankly I am glad we did, because the advisor at BB openly admitted to D that she didn’t know how to handle D’s schedule as she is coming in with 52 credit hours. Finally while there are some things we are heavily involved there are other things we are not, at 16 D takes care of her own medical appointments, her car service appointments, and has been traveling solo since she was 4. Heck two weeks ago she drove to Miami, stayed at a hotel, etc all on her own.</p>

10

<p>I am much more hands on with my kids, and again, it’s probably because my parents and my husband’s parents had little to do with the college decision. In my husband’s case, it was his mom only --his dad passed away years early. My husband visited two schools. He chose the one six blocks from home, because it was a good school and had a good financial package. His mom also was not the healthiest person, so that was a factor, too. In my case, my parents gave me a number that I had for tuition, room, board, etc. That’s how I selected a school – based on what they would provide. Not the best method, I assure you. But I got my degree, got a job and did fine.</p>

<p>With my kids, it has been a combination of grades/SAT and economics. Look for the best school with the best financial deal, I told them, because you do not want huge debt. We can help with some things, but not everything. So my oldest son took Alabama’s National Merit offer, and he had so many opportunities at the school – from Greek life to study abroad to prestigious scholarships. He graduated debt free with two majors and two minors. He has become a great model role for his kid brother, who is now a HS senior and understands debt free very well. </p>

<p>Because I am in education, I spend much of my day with high school students. Many need some assistance regarding their future – sometimes, because their parents just do not have the knowledge. I helped my oldest son find additional scholarship money, and I’ll do the same with the younger one. I do the same for my students. I also read student essays and applications when asked. I’ve had students seek me out to help them plan their first semester classes. Am I glad to help? Yes, and I’ll continue to help when asked and needed.</p>

11

<p>Good post cleonard19. Two years ago, I was thinking the same thing. Neither of my parents ever set foot on the college campus when I went to school, and it was only 35 miles away! My wife and I made the 530 mile trek to Alabama several times, and will do so again in about six weeks to help the kid move in. It has been interesting watching this play out. My son is fiercely independent. He wants his privacy and really doesn’t want Mom & Dad in his business. He has made good decisions and choices, so we really haven’t had to meddle too much. On the other hand, his Mom worked for him almost as an agent when visiting different schools and helping him with applications and scholarships. As he begins his 3rd year at 'Bama, he has grown to appreciate the support his Mother and I give. I guess he has seen too many kids without that support. Plus, he has matured a lot these last few years. The really neat thing going here is the vast knowledge shared here on CC and the willingness to help each other out. This has made a difference in keeping both the parents and students informed.</p>

12

<p>My DS is only 17. He is a smart, responsible young man BUT HE’S ONLY 17!! We worked together on his college schedule and other issues since the UA method was foreign to him but the ultimate decisions were all his. Once he was clear on how the process worked he was all set particularly for his remaining college years. Perhaps the fact that he is a 17 hour drive away from us gave us greater incentive to be more hands on. We live in a very fast paced world, blink and you’ll miss out. I love how UA is so professionally organized but honestly my sons “advising” session was pretty much nonexistent. My son was so appreciative that my wife and I helped navigate him thru a lot of the madness and red tape. Would he have figured it out on his own sure he would, but having loving parents to help keep the ship on course, priceless. I too was very independent at a young age. It wasn’t because my parents didn’t care but there were other kids to tend to and I learned early on that if I wanted something that I needed to take those first steps on my own. I learned that if you missed the train it may be a long time before another comes along. My wife and I both worked in Law Enforcement in NYC. Our experiences make us much more protective of our boys by nature. No different than any other loving parent just ALOT more knowledgeable by experience in what goes on in the world when most parents might think “everything’s fine”. My wife and I think of ourselves as a GPS device. We don’t tell our boys how to drive, we just make sure they get there the right way. Sure there’s gonna be detours and road closures but the GPS will help find an alternate route. Like my wife always says “the boys will thank us when their 25”. With the age of consent in Bama being 19 did I mention “HE’S ONLY 17”. </p>

<p>Roll Tide</p>

13

<p>A common comment on CC is that parents will say they post on here to avoid bugging their kids :wink: </p>

<p>I’m a librarian, so I’m the go to person in the family for finding out info of any type for any subject. CC has been great for that. I’m not on as often as I used to be, but I share tidbits that I see on here with my kiddos if I think it’ll be helpful. </p>

<p>As for being involved: pre-college there are a lot of logistics that need to be navigated, many involving my money and my time. Figuring out travel plans was a joint effort, but ultimately I had to use my credit card. And take vacation time. </p>

<p>I had a horrible first college experience, it was the ultimate bad fit. My mom pushed that school on me because of her knowledge of it 25 years prior. I was determined that wouldn’t happen to my girls. Did we visit lots of schools? Yup. Do I regret it or think it was overkill? Nope. D2’s original “I’m in love” school was off the list before we were even off property and she became evangelical with her friends about visiting schools because “they lie.” LOL. </p>

<p>DH & I don’t give the girls decrees. We’ve never really helped with homework. Heck, I never even saw either D’s college essays until after the fact. They’ll both share their thoughts about what classes they’re going to take, and while we might make a “have you considered” comment, that’s about it. D2 has taken it upon herself to help her friends get ready for orientation by helping them figure out potential 1st semester courses (her head almost exploded when she realized a few were planning on attending orientation without doing any prep work. LOL.) </p>

<p>But yes it’s a very different way of thinking about parenting that the way I was parented. Through the college process I thought of myself as a consultant. But they were the client leading the project.</p>

14

<p>My parents were completely uninvolved with my college/professional school experience. I did it 100% on my own (including paying for it). And I know, in retrospect, that I missed a lot of experiences and opportunities, some because I couldn’t afford them and others because I didn’t know about them or I didn’t know how to position myself to take advantage of them. I also know that my D is unlikely to find the many experiences and opportunities available to her on her own. So if I can help, I do. Without my involvement on CC, my D would not have known to make her housing deposit in October. She would not have applied for CBHP. She probably would not have understood the need to go online at the first opportunity for things like football tickets, housing, etc. She would not have looked into the University Scholars program. She wouldn’t have taken the Spanish CLEP test and picked up 14 credits. She wouldn’t have gone to Bama Bound with a preferred schedule and half a dozen alternative schedules (which would have been unfortunate, since her advising to date has not been stellar). Heck, she probably wouldn’t have applied to Alabama, a school she now loves. I don’t think it’s a negative reflection on my daughter that she wouldn’t have found all these things on her own. She’s a kid with a lot of other things going on and has no idea a lot of this stuff even exists. I probably wouldn’t have the majority of my UA knowledge without CC. This is one of the very few areas of her life where she “allows” me to be involved and is somewhat appreciative of the advice I can give her, and I am happy to be able to help.</p>

15

<p>

</p>

<p>D is my youngest of three and I’m by far more connected to her college experience than I was/am with her older brothers. Personality does make a difference. She appreciates my input and likes to bounce things off of me. That said, she is fiercely stubborn and is going to take the classes she wants to, etc. I think, like RobD said, that I am more of a consultant. And I agree with Beth’s Mom about the many benefits it’s gained. Not sure there have been any detriments.</p>

16

<p>To me, the question is kind of like going on a jazz website and asking “Why do you guys like jazz so much?” :slight_smile: My sense is that CC parents, posters and lurkers, are the kinds of parents who are more involved with their kids in this way, so you are not fishing from a neutral pond. </p>

<p>Now I will compare my older D’s experience with S. You know how they say you don’t know what you don’t know? Hoo-boy. I wish I knew about CC then! Older D graduated magna cum laude with a major and a minor from a private LAC in 3 1/2 years with 100 hours of volunteer work, 100 hours of community service all while working 35+ hours a week. (She had no credits coming in.) Although she qualified for a couple of small academic scholarships, her ‘dream school’ was going to be a financial stretch for us, so we insisted she have some skin in the game as they say, and required that she take out 2500 in student loans per semester. Since I was raised having to do everything on my own, I assumed that’s the way it is done, and DD (happily) did everything necessary except the FASFA and writing the checks. :wink: I will add that she was super competent, outgoing, never afraid to ask a question and thrived on problem solving so <em>that</em> part worked out well. Fast forward to lesson learned: The PRICY degree she earned is usually named in the top ten ‘useless’ degrees. Now a married, stay at home mommy with two small children, she would have done things entirely differently - either choosing a more viable degree, or chosen a public with no debt. She works nights to help pay off her loans, and won’t be able to make any use of her degree until the kiddies are in school and may have to opt for more schooling herself. If we knew then what we know now…</p>

<p>Next: S, HS Junior - me, googling CBPH -mysterious program Dean Sharpe speaks so highly of - and there it was, College Confidential, UA style! I remember at some point running through the living room frantically yelling at my husband, "I don’t know ANYTHING! I don’t even know enough to ASK what I need to know!!! We are SO behind, we’ll NEVER catch up, where’s my NOTEPAD?!! " </p>

<p>CC is <em>directly</em> responsible for a more ‘hands-on’ approach regarding college and S. (I will admit involvement came more naturally this time around having had to fight with schools all of his life. When your kid is pounding through 4th grade level math books and on a 5th grade reading level <em>before</em> starting 1st grade, there are fights, I promise you.)</p>

<p>Now: S will graduate debt-free, with a great degree and good work experience. I learned so many things here, and still am, to the benefit of our son. I will give one example and (finally) sign off.</p>

<p>The rule of thumb in our house for our kids is: Summer job by 16. Any job. After following CC, I realized that while there was nothing wrong with expecting DS to have any kind of job this summer, in this economy one in his degree field would be more desirable on a resume. Disappointingly, all the local internships seemed to require a year of matriculation at the time of application, or other variables he could not control. So with a little extra effort, he is happily working an un-paid research position on a kick-a$$ project at ORNL directly under a well renowned scientist that he admires very much, instead being dock-boy at the local marina again. :slight_smile: (Also the perfect time for his NMF stipend, since he has no interest in study abroad :frowning: .)</p>

<p>I will take this opportunity for a heartfelt THANK YOU, UA CC, you are awesome and truly make a difference with all of your combined knowledge and support.</p>

<p>Now, back to the thread.</p>

17

<p>Class2012mom, I wasn’t meaning to attack a parenting style, I am just trying t understand it. It wasn’t a very prevalent parenting style amongst my social circles growing up, and now it seems like the prevailing one.</p>

<p>To others: I understand the involvement from the financial side, as its your money and their education is your investment. What I don’t understand is the posts I see where parents/posters on here seem to be directing their children’s every action via text message from afar. </p>

<p>In the interest of full disclosure, I am not a big fan of “helicopter parenting,” but my significant other was raised by “helicopter parents,” and she swears by it. In discussing the possibility of starting a family, child rearing came up and turned int an argument over how “we would raise our kids.” I’m trying to keep an open mind and try to understand her perspective. So here this thread is.</p>

18

<p>NRDMOM, I know it’s not a neutral pond, that’s why I cast my net in it. I’m genuinely curious why people choose this parenting style, and the bias here yields more answers. If I was curious why people pick any parenting style, you’re right, I would cast my net in a bigger moe neutral pond. </p>

<p>I was very careful which net I cast into which pond. There’s half a dozen places I could have asked this question, but I asked it here knowing I would get more responses, and that the responses I would get here would overwhelmingly be from hands on parents.</p>

19

<p>^^ Or maybe it’s that your parents employed the “helicopter” style with your youngest brother because he needed that style. Perhaps the causation you’re seeing isn’t actually there. Perhaps the helicopter parenting didn’t cause his immaturity, but rather his immaturity caused your parents to use different parenting techniques. Although my 5 siblings and I were raised by the same parents, we were not all raised in an identical fashion.</p>

20

<p>beth’s mom, I was thinking the same thing!</p>