UC Personal Statement - YAY or NAY?

<p>Prompt #1 - Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>There was once a dream I had where I was a 16 years old brilliant senior student in high school, was a LAPD Cadet, and was even awarded a college level honor roll at age 16. That was until I pinched myself and realized I wasn’t dreaming. I was born in Birmingham, Alabama, July 14, 1996 and moved to Los Angeles, California in 1997 with my mother. Living in Los Angeles, I have continuously been hit with the reality of the “real world.” Growing up I was often bullied because of the way I sounded when I was younger which gave me massive insecurity problems. When I entered into Middle School, it was safe to say I was headed down a path of destruction if I didn’t get a wake up call. My grades were dropping and my family’s anger was rising, while I sat there and just didn’t care. At the end of 7th grade I had to be taken out of my public school because I wasn’t moving forward in any type of way. Until, I was put into a Home School.</p>

<p>When I entered Home School, I was upset that I couldn’t see my friends. I was going to have the same attitude I had at public school towards home schooling. Since I was going to be at home a lot more often my mother enrolled me into college courses, hearing that news was clearance for me that my family was officially psycho. While I was getting my academics together, I decided to also join an extracurricular activity while in the process, the Los Angeles Police Department Cadet Program. While in the program I was ready to quit because of the hard military structure it had. I was a recruit in the beginning and was treated like one of the lowest beings on earth and had to learn how to deal with it. It was really hard to cope with getting yelled at for every small thing, but it paid off once I started the Cadet Academy and was given the position of Recruit Captain. The feeling of being able to lead and guide a group of people motivated me and inspired me to do more in the program. Once I graduated the Academy, I hit the ground running like a race horse. I took a Traffic Assistant Scene Investigator Course, which has given me the ability to investigate traffic collisions and write collision reports which most regular officers aren’t able to do. I have also participated in Boot camps where we try to turn juvenile delinquents life around before it’s too late. I have also been awarded Presidential Volunteer Service Award for completed over 250 community service hours and as of right now I have roughly over 1,000 hours. While in the program I aimed to inspire and motivate the recruits coming into the program and let them know if I can do you so can you. </p>

<p>As I head for home plate, it’s safe to say that I have been truly blessed by the motivation of my family and the LAPD Cadet program. It definitely changed my life to point where I couldn’t even fit all the others things I wanted to put on my personal statement. The LAPD Cadet program motivated me to change my academic work ethic. It’s now November 2012, and remembers those college courses I took? Well, I finished all the courses I needed to take and was awarded the Dean’s Honor Roll for having a 3.6 College GPA. To also add on, with all of my courses that I took at the college, I was able to go back to a regular high school and I skipped the 11th grade. So here I am today a South LA High school Senior, who truly thanks God for opening doors for me and knows for a fact that the dreams can become a reality.</p>

<p>Good or Bad ? Please only constructive criticism.</p>

<p>which college did you go to for classes?</p>

<p>You seem really intelligent and congrats for all the accomplishments you have made. However, the personal statement is not about rehashing all the stuff you ALREADY put in your app (i.e. activities, GPA, etc). Just focus on the LAPD cadet program because that’s what you want to emphasize right? </p>

<p>“It was really hard to cope with getting yelled at for every small thing”
You should give an example so the reader will get a feel for what you had to go through</p>

<p>Overall a good essay and being the recruit captain is a great accomplishment!:)</p>

<p>agree that the essay is a good one.</p>

<p>check your grammar and spelling. You capitalize a lot of things that don’t need capitalizing. (home school, senior, etc)</p>

<p>For future reference, don’t post your personal statement on an open forum like this. There is an entire section dedicated to college essays where you can get trusted readers to critique it. I know it sounds lame but people DO steal essays. </p>

<p>Better to be safe than sorry.</p>

<p>I’m in the LAPD Cadets too! Which division are you from?</p>