<p>My parents didn’t visit either, BusterDad. Couldn’t afford it. They drove to school to drop me off, and then were back for graduation three years later. </p>
<p>For our D, we visit twice a year (fall and spring parent weekends). This year we had to travel overseas to visit, but used years of hoarded airline points so that softened the blow. The hotel was actually cheaper over there then in the states.</p>
<p>We fly D on Southwest because she’s racked up enough points to cover a free ticket and they don’t charge for the first two bags of luggage. I’m envious of parents close enough to drive for plays and sporting events.</p>
<p>Certainly flying home for Christmas/spring vacation tapped out what my parents could afford as I was youngest of five kids. Flying was a lot more expensive in those days, but still…</p>
<p>All this traveling back and forth - by parents - just amazes me. Like BusterDad, I don’t recall my parents (or anyone else’s, for that matter) ever coming to my school - and my family only lived an hour away. </p>
<p>Boarding school is a place for my son to find independence . . . and he doesn’t need me looking over his shoulder while he does it! I’ll show up for graduation, but otherwise I hope I’ll have the good sense to get out of his way and let him do this on his own.</p>
<p>We can’t afford much more than having the kids fly home when dorms are closed. So far, we’ve managed to attach parent’s weekend to work travel, but that’s getting harder. One thing that’s happened though is that we’ve befriended other parents on parent’s weekend and some of the day student families, as well as teachers and coaches, have been quite generous about sharing pictures and videos of key events. Overall though, I’d say that parenting a BS student in the age of technology, and perhaps “helicoptering” (what’s the relationship between the two???) is 180 degrees from the BS experience of yesteryear. Better? I don’t know. Sometimes I liken it to texting while driving (my new pet peeve) – it’s addictive and feels necessary (to young people), but it’s ultimately destructive.</p>
<p>Yikes…
We are 2 hours from school and much closer to about 5 or 6 where our children have had sporting events. We attend as many games / meets as possible. I do not see that as helicoptering or interferring with allowing them to find their independence. I see it as supporting them.
Helping her to find her independence is done when I don’t jump in and solve her problems that she texts me 20 times a day (as tempting as that might be!), but rather have her go to her advisor. Times are different now. The Dean of Students at my son’s school told us that it was much easier for them 20 years ago when there was one pay phone per floor and kids had to wait in line and would call home once a week. Most of their problems had come and gone. Now that they can text or call mom and dad with every little issue, it’s much harder for the school. </p>
<p>That said, parents weekend we stay over which of course is a couple nights hotel and meals. We are lucky to be close enough so that games don’t require an overnight - 2 hours each way isn’t great, but it is doable in a day.</p>
<p>@Dodgersmom, when we were invited to a special weekend for parents at Taft we jumped at the chance because it allowed us to look under the hood without all the preplanned parent activities that were going to occur the next weekend. We had walked up to introduce ourselves to the headmaster when I heard a yelp and our D had walked by the gallery and saw us. The headmaster said “I guess I just became the low priority” as we ran and had a huge group hug. Best day ever. And so we make those two weekends a year a priority even if we’re not around her the whole time. We chose a school that treats us like family and we try hard not to abuse the privilege. Have great jovial conversations with her advisor and really like when a teacher sees us walking by and grabs us to talk about our child. Hence - twice a year (which is a budget stretch) but the hugs last for months and her friends seem to enjoy us as well (we arrive with tons of Chipotles which we buy on the way from the airport. Bringing those burritos is apparently like throwing crack into a rehab facility full of addicts, we get mobbed and the sandwiches get inhaled in seconds).</p>
<p>I kind of wish - in retrospect - that my parents had the opportunity to visit once or twice. But airfare was prohibitive, all available funds were allocated to tuition and getting me back and forth for breaks. I think they would have enjoyed seeing the campus in action.</p>
<p>And my parents would have enjoyed visiting too: in my father’s case, he had spent a PG year at Andover (not because he was a jock, btw, but as a transition from his school to attending Yale), and I’m sure he would have loved to have spent time on campus when school was in session. But it was not to be (before graduation).</p>
<p>Thanks, guys. I was starting to feel guilty not being able to be at key performing events for DC. Would love to be there, but it’s just not gonna happen unless I win the lotto! I am reminded that DC won’t be the only kid without parents in attendance. Right now at the jr BS, the percentage of local parents is high, so it is a bit hard. There is even an active local “PTA” sort of thing. He never complains, but he doesn’t complain about anything, so I’m left guessing. Still, the boarding school experience is so worth this sacrifice.</p>
<p>Now that were entering spring term, were facing one additional cost that I havent seen mentioned yet summer storage for items (bedding, small room furnishings, winter clothing, monitors) that are not practical for DS to shove in the extra luggage we sent back with him last week after spring break. Obviously, this is only an issue for students who do not live within driving distance of their BS and whose schools do not provide a no-cost summer storage option (do any?). We have heard that a former Choate student started a summer storage program to address this need, but we dont have any details and dont know what kind of cost were looking at. What is your experience?</p>
<p>As a California mom about to send my D off to boarding school in the northeast I’m reading this thread with great interest. Am I fooling myself to think that I can put a reasonable amount of money into a bank account for her, and then it’s up to her to decide whether she’s going to spend her money on ordering pizza vs. a trip to the movies vs. a cute top she finds on sale? My plan was that we’ll take her to Target (or wherever) when we arrive at school and buy her first load of toiletries, snacks, etc and then it’s up to her to replace those items as needed from her budget. </p>
<p>As for clothing, that seems a little overwhelming since she has very definite tastes that don’t include warm clothing, and she wants to “fit in” to some extent at least. I kind of feel like we have enough essentials to buy that I’m not going to be dropping money on things that happen to catch her fancy. We’re going to try to find a down winter jacket on sale this weekend, and if relatives ask what she would like for her upcoming birthday or for her 8th grade graduation then gift cards for places that sell the clothing and supplies she’ll need will be high on the list. Does anyone have suggestions as to “essentials?” She’s going to SPS so there will be 2 seated meals per week and lots of bad weather.</p>
<p>Friendly mom - I wouldn’t buy too much at first. Coming from California, your daughter should be able to get by on her California wardrobe for the first few weeks. Layering is a good concept to learn with New england weather. If your daughter is concerned about fitting in, she can get a sense for what styles interest her once she’s on campus. Clothing can always be ordered online. This will prevent you from paying for stuff she might not end up wearing. (I’ll just put a plug in here for encouraging your daughter to adopt her own style but I know how most teens are.) </p>
<p>As far as budgeting for purchases while she’s at school, I would suggest a monthly allowance that includes $ for toiletries, etc. Your daughter can decide if she wants to spend it on pizza, movies, impulse buys, etc. With my kids, if they are done for the month, then they wait until the next month. We use prepaid debit cards that can be used both at ATMs and as credit cards. It works well and money can be added by parents that can be used instantly if a true emergency arises.</p>
<p>Our daughter has a debit card and a monthly allowance. Teaches good money management - but she does talk about kids who need “reloads” frequently. If your D is not good with money, summer is a good time to start the process. If she’s frugal, you should be okay.</p>
<p>Thanks, it sounds like I’m on the right track in terms of her money at school. As for the clothes, we’ll hold off buying too much ahead of time. She has her own style and where we live it seems like many kids do, but I want her to decide how comfortable she is keeping to her own look in her new setting. </p>
<p>I would say that she’s going to have to actually take the plunge and put on a warm sweater once in a while, but then I remember what I used to wear at SPS. I think I went an entire winter in a windbreaker for some bizarre reason.</p>
<p>This thread is helpful on two fronts, the cost issue and the visiting issue. My son is going from CA (California) to CA (Canada) next fall…all the way to Quebec province so visiting is going to be difficult for us. Also I’m curious/nervous about extra costs. I already found out that the trips and other activities that happen for kids not going home during long weekends cost extra…we’ll have to see if it’s more than a plane ticket home!</p>
<p>Thrift stores. Some of the best ones (and some you might not expect) have winter stuff going into markdown because everyone is thinking spring and summer. One of our local ones was packed with high school girls and I began to notice how many of the items were new with tags on them. A good way to get a jump on winter clothes without breaking the bank before you determine what you’ll really need.</p>
<p>My D is a third former at SPS from the west coast, so we are going through the same clothing transition. I have to tell you, I was shocked by her “needs”, especially for outerwear. I learned that what I think might be a winter coat appropriate for NH is NOT a winter coat. Also, I could not believe the number of different types: down jackets/fleece/raincoats/ski jackets! I second the advice to buy minimally now and wait to see what she thinks once she is there. DO get the rainboots! Hunters are popular in bright colors as well as the more traditional ones.</p>
<p>I thought Id resurrect this old thread to add a note about how Choate is recognizing the difference between tuition and those extra costs of attendance. I just received the spring bulletin which features an article called, Minding the ($) Gap: Enriching the Student Experience Beyond the Classroom. The article states:</p>
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<p>The article goes on to give some examples of where the Beyond the Classroom Fund can help students more fully participate in their education at Choate, such as assistance with music lessons, the spring break college bus tour, pre-season spring training trips for athletes, or something as simple, but meaningful, as a varsity jacket. The article wraps up a quote from our (two-year) new headmaster:</p>
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<p>I was very happy to see the school take positive action to address the squeeze felt by the non-wealthy wedged into a very wealthy crowd, including those, like us, who pay the bill but have nothing left over for extras. As this new crop of parents prepares over the next few months to send their children off to their respective boarding schools, many will worry about these additional costs and how they will affect their childrens ability to participate fully in the whole BS experience.</p>
<p>If your BS also provides help beyond the classroom, it might ease some concerns if you share how your school addresses this issue.</p>