Unhappy senior: gap year, transfer, or get over it?

<p>I think there are times in life when you just have to accept. Your son should take this as a lesson- life doesn't always work out how we planned it to. He needs to move on, and leave thoughts of Yale behind- in the end, he's just one of thousands who didn't receieve acceptances. A gap year is a good idea for some people, but in this case, the gap year's sole purpose would be to get into Yale- that's not what a gap year's for. I think the Yale adcoms would see right through his gap year, and I seriously doubt they'd accept him on those conditions. He'll learn to love Cal- just as thousands of other disappointed seniors have learned to love their 2nd or 3rd choice schools. This is a time when he needs to learn when to hold on and when to let go- it's time to let go.</p>

<p>Well, it looks like I've succeeded in making my kid out to be a spoiled brat. In fact nothing could be farther from the truth: he's a young man with not a lot of experience in the world, and not a lot of talent for introspection, but he's loyal, kind, and not at all spoiled. I don't think he's capable (yet) of the kind of soul-searching that would have prevented this. His applications were made based on what he got out of a book and the advice of well-meaning but opinionated adults with their own limited experience bases, and he didn't know until he experienced the schools on a visit that they were not good matches. My son is extremely family-oriented, and I wonder if his ultimate rejection of Chicago and Oberlin had a lot to do with a fear of the distance from home. Who knows, maybe even Yale or Brown would have lost their appeal if he had actually gotten in. At any rate, it sounds as though a gap year would be a bad idea. I have no doubts that he'll do well at Berkeley and I expect he'll warm up to it. LoneStarDad, don't worry, I'm talking up Berkeley every chance I get. As I said, I went there and had a blast. I had to pay my own way, so it took 9 years to graduate (study one quarter, work one quarter, etc), But while there I found a field I loved, did well, got great recommendations from my profs and had my choice of fantastic grad programs with nice fellowship offers. IMHO, Berkeley's a great school, but my son (and many on this forum) don't seem to think so, and it does make me wonder what I might have missed not going to a nice LAC or an Ivy league school.</p>

<p>3inCollege ~ Sounds to me like you're doing a great job with your son. For what it's worth, my son (with stellar stats) is headed to his 4th or 5th choice, which also happens to be my alma mater. But he's getting excited about it, as we discuss what the goals of the first year should be, compared to the overall goals of the four years. He tells me wants to re-invent himself. I listen and think, don't we all...</p>

<p>IMHO, your son will do great at Berkeley. Good luck to you both.</p>

<p>I still don't see why someone would pay a ton of money to go to a school that they think is only "ok." Seems like a waste of money.</p>

<p>3inCollege - As one reader of this thread, it is obvious you have done a wonderful job in raising your son who shows his great breeding by his wonderful accomplishments. No way is there any implication of his being a "spoiled brat" or overprivileged in any way in what you've said. With my own son, once he decided on attending his state university's honors college, his positive attitude I believe has resulted in his academic and extra-curricular achievements far above his high school record. Once Yale becomes more a memory and Berkeley with its enormous offerings becomes first rate in your son's mind (after he gets there), he will likely blaze an amazing trail there. The risk is if there persists any "I'm a reject and going here because I have to" mentality which may cause a self-fulfilling prophecy of a less than satisfactory experience at Berkeley.</p>

<p>I don't get it. A kid who thinks he's 'liberal' anguishing over going to Cal?
Isn't Cal every liberal's dream?</p>

<p>I can understand anguish over the OOS tuition $$$. But that's true for
other good public choices. Try OOS tuition for UMich or UVA.
But isn't that the parents' problem?</p>

<p>I think a gap year is pointless unless you do something extra-ordinary,
like volunteering in Uganda for a year. But it's easier to do that kind of
stuff after you graduate and make it count for grad school apps.</p>

<p>3inCollege,
You sound like a wonderful and caring parent who's trying to make the best of a tough situation. And your son sounds like a great kid who's worked hard the past four years and has now had a gigantic letdown after so much excitement and hope. I have to agree with the other posters who encourage him to go to Cal and enjoy all that it has to offer. As a Cal alumni like you, I know he'll be able to find whatever he wants there. We have another similarity, I live in Oregon too. My D is a junior and I have to sympathize with you about the lack of information from the high school and missinformation from from friends and family. If I hadn't found CC last year, my D could very well have the same experience that you son had. As a matter of fact, she still could, I just hope I can prepare her for whatever happens. My kid is a top student too, and I can't tell you the number of times she's been told that she'll get in anywhere she applies and that they'll give her tons of merit money to boot. I know they're well meaning, but so many people don't have a clue, and you can't blame a 17 year old for taking it all to heart. Anyway, hang in there, you'll all survive and I'm sure your son will flurish at Cal. Go Bears!!! p.s. Cal's on my D's list, and she'd love to attend.</p>

<p>I tend to agree with Lonestardad here, it doesn't sound to me like a "gap" year is the answer. Sounds like he's ready to go to college, but his first choice is not going to be. We sometimes wax nostalgic here, but my parents said "no" to my first choice Middlebury when I was off to college many, many moons ago. I went to my 2nd choice and had a great college experience. I haven't really thought much about that until this year when my first son started looking for colleges and I started reading on these boards. Of course I now have the "what ifs", but I hadn't had those thoughts for over 30 years. I say, let him go to Berk. If he's truly unhappy he can try to transfer. If he's unhappy it may also help him crystalize exactly what he wants in a school. I would have guessed he would have liked University of Chicago out of the schools you visited. Yes, they are crazy studious, but they do have their fun there, too. I too, would have picked Dartmouth for him. I'm very sure it's very different than when my friends went there, but at that time it was the "fun, smart, preppy, jocky Ivy" and Brown was the "fun, smart, out there" school. Harvard was all about Harvard (I spent a semester there on my girlfriends ID eating in the cafeteria and using the tennis courts and other facilities hee hee) and Yale was all the kids who went to prep school. I never had any friends who went to Princeton. Let him make the decision whatever it is, then support him through his freshman year. It may be that being closer to home really is an important factor and will supercede all others and all will be forgotten until he's 50 and runs into a Yalie.</p>

<p>Yes, from a parents point of view this process has been totally grueling.
My daughter only applied to colleges she really wanted to go to--and was waitlisted on all 7 of them--then we found out that most likely a waitlist is a rejection and yes, that was a very bad day. I immedialtely faxed off to the 7 admissions offices that we would waive financial aid--insane I know-.at this pint that didn't help either. As an after thought she applied to UVM and got into the Honors College--they gave us lots of money and to tell you the truth it feels good not to have to deal with the elitism of these LAC's--but I know that if a waitlist comes through she'll find anyway she can to get to that college. I guess we could just go bankrupt paying the 41,000 a year for her college. But as long as it makes her happy that's whats important,right?</p>

<p>publicmom, wow, that's rough</p>

<p>the schools D applied to, were they a balanced list, and it was bad luck, or in hindsight, should the list have contained more safeties</p>

<p>I ask, as we can learn from each other, and if your D did everything "right" it helps others see that it is a rough process and safeties are super important</p>

<p>i hate to be kinda rude, but getting into Cal, especially OOS, is an accomplishment to be proud of. so many people apply there and decide not to go, while ppl like me who REALLY wanted to go there so freakin' badly don't even have the option of going there. unless if u truly despise Cal, then don't take a gap year. what's the problem with being rejected from yale? he was probably really qualified but with a low acceptance rate u can't expect it..honestly, i would buy your Cal seat if i truly could. why take a gap year? Cal is an unbelievable school.</p>

<p>I strongly disagree with most posters. This kid sounds like many others who just didn't have the right guidance when choosing colleges he applied to. It happens to many who don't have sophisticated college counselors or parents who read CC for a year before they apply. Then look at the money issue. Most agree a UC isn't worth it OOS and the family will be strained. To me this is exactly the kid who should take a gap year. He has a better idea of what he wants, he can go on more visits, he can focus on merit money and end up someplace he's excited to be. What's one year to get something this important right?</p>

<p>I agree with Suze.</p>

<p>IF he takes the gap year, he needs to have realistic goals, have a plan...I think the reason many posters are discouraging the gap year, is that the mom has said his goal is to get into Yale next year, if the purpose of the gap year, it is not a good idea</p>

<p>The student was accepted to some great schools, and if the attitude doesn't change or adjust, he might very well be unhappy again next year if he doesn't get into Yale</p>

<p>Take the gap year, but have a plan, and not focus on one school</p>

<p>"Most agree a UC isn't worth it OOS"</p>

<p>First, its not "a UC," its berkeley, which can hardly be compared to UC Riverside. Did you read the OP, because she made it clear that Berkeley was the school at issue. Second, I disagree that most people assume Berkeley isn't worth OOS tuition, which is basically the price of a private school. I feel, and I've said before, that Berkeley is as good as all but a small handfull of privates. If Berkeley made everyone pay oos tuition people would still be forming a line to get in. Its only because we all know that Cal is dirt cheap for instaters that there is any issue being made out of OOS costs.</p>

<p>It sounds like your son didn't totally hate Berkeley. I think it may grow on him. So many people have all these "dream" schools after one visit, hardly knowing anything about what it's like to attend there. </p>

<p>Now, as someone who applied EA to Yale I understand how great of a school it is. However, Berkeley is also a great school with a wealth of resources and opportunities, and I didn't really like it until after I submitted my SIR and visited there (2nd time). What am I saying? Your son may like it there after attending for a while. Many students are heart-broken after getting rejected from their dream school, but most after a while gain a little perspective and realize that the school they attend is also great.</p>

<p>Now, with all of this praise, I feel obligated to say that Berkeley has a few problems that may make the school not as appealing, especially to OOS. Although the reputation is overblown, some classes do get pretty large. Also, you have to apply for majors and fulfill certain requirements; it gets pretty messy. By your description I don't think they'll be too much of a problem for him, but he might get a better undergrad education at a similar-level private school or LAC, with more personal attention and smaller classes. (if that's his thing)</p>

<p>If this is the case and you think you will find some other schools you may be interested in (i.e. not HYPS), such as U Penn, Johns Hopkins, Northwestern, Cornell, etc. etc. or LACs such as Williams and Wellesley, that he would definitely be a lot happier at, you could consider taking a gap year and try for these schools. However, I think of a gap year as something for people who really aren't ready for college, or are really lost and don't know what to do with their lives. This doesn't sound like the case with your son, so if you want to reapply, transferring seems like a better option.</p>

<p>So, here's the advice (you probably just skimmed through my long boring post): Go to Berkeley, and if he really doesn't like it, try to transfer out.</p>

<p>I just found a great resource page for students considering a gap year. </p>

<p>(My D is finishing a great gap year.)</p>

<p><a href="http://nnhscareercenter.home.comcast.net/gap-year.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://nnhscareercenter.home.comcast.net/gap-year.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>Is he a Regents' Scholar at Berkeley? If so, he gets enormous privileges which could easily amount to the educational opportunities you can get at any Ivy.</p>

<p>Viciss, most guys would be in heaven at Wellesley as they'd be the only male there, lol!</p>

<p>blah1111, a Regents' scholarship would have made this a much easier decision. I know they've been distributed already, but I'm curious - do they choose the scholars based on the regular application, or is there an additional application or interview involved? Are OOS applicants eligible? Maybe I should post this question on a Berkeley thread... I'm still pretty new at CC, not too sure of the etiquette.</p>