Hi, I am trying to get a second opinion on my essay for Vassar College. The question asks: How did you learn about Vassar and what aspect of our college do you find appealing? Limit 350 words. Any cretics would be helpful, but please get back ASAP!
I was in 3rd grade when my parents pulled me out of school and started to homeschool me. I was diagnosed with ADHD, and my mom thought I would benefit more from home schooling than being put on medication. With the help of my parents, I really worked on myself, and was able to learn how I learned. Teachers often teach their students the way they were taught, however, this method doesn’t work for every child. As I grew older I became fascinated with learning disabilities and my interest led me to an observership I began as a junior at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia in the Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Department. This experience helped me decide that Cognitive Science and Psychology would be an ideal major for me. I learned about Vassar’s Neuroscience and Behavior program when researching which universities offered rigorous, exciting courses in this field.
As a homeschooled student I have always been used to designing my own schedule, choosing which classes I would take each semester. When I found out about Vassar’s open curriculum, I was thrilled. In addition to the quality and flexibility of its course offerings, the department also has access to an immense amount of resources and world-class professors, so I know I will receive the best education. I also found that Vassar has an intimate student population and small class sizes, which really appealed to me as a homeschool student who hasn’t experience a class bigger than 15 students. Diversity in education, however, is not limited to the classroom, and I also want to attend a school that has a very socioeconomically and culturally diverse student body because I think the social life at a school is just as important as its academic life.
As someone who was allowed the opportunity to observer at one of the top children’s hospital, I hope carry this experience with me through my college education. I am looking for a college that will provide me with the resources I need in order to pursue my career aspirations, which is why I found Vassar so appealing to me.
The last paragraph isn’t as strong as the rest of the essay. Proofread for errors like missing words and spelling. Otherwise I think it’s a really descriptive and unique answer to the prompt!
I was in 3rd grade when my parents pulled me out of school and started to homeschool me. I was diagnosed with ADHD, and my mom thought I would benefit more from home schooling than medication. With the help of my parents, [vague, consider changing]>(I worked on myself), and was able to learn how I learned. [I would consider changing or removing this line. It seems less integrated with the rest of the essay, and might be considered contentious, because you don’t explain if it is couched in personal experience or other evidence]>(Teachers often teach their students the way they were taught but this method doesn’t work for every child.) As I grew older I became fascinated with learning disabilities. My interest led me to an observership that I began as a junior at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia in the Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Department. [maybe add a bit about what you saw while you were on your observership? it sounds like it would be interesting, and would personalize your essay a bit more] This experience helped me decide that Cognitive Science and Psychology would be an ideal major for me. I learned about Vassar’s Neuroscience and Behavior program when researching which universities offered rigorous, exciting courses in this field. [really solid introduction: very personal and does a good job of hooking the reader, while building a case for why you’ve chosen vassar]
As a homeschooled student I have always designed my own schedule each semester. When I found out about Vassar’s open curriculum, I was thrilled. In addition to the quality and flexibility of its course offerings, the department also has access to an immense amount of resources and world-class professors, so I know I will receive an excellent education. Vassar has an intimate student population and small class sizes, which appeals to me as a homeschooled student; I’ve never experienced a class bigger than 15 students. I also want to attend a school that has a socioeconomically and culturally diverse student body because I think the social life at a school is just as important as its academic life. [I deleted the “Diversity in education, however, is not limited to the classroom,” because it didn’t seem to follow from the previous statements, and it was also not needed. This paragraph was less personal than the first. It’s not bad, but it would be made stronger if you described why diversity matters to you. For example, i cared about diversity because I grew up black in white neighborhood, and wanted to understand the experiences of people not like me…]
As someone who was allowed the opportunity to observe at a top children’s hospital, I hope to carry this experience with me through my college education. I am looking for a college that will provide me with the resources I need in order to pursue my career aspirations, which is why I found Vassar so appealing to me. [I agree with ialabound. This paragraph isn’t as strong as the rest. If you’re pressed for time, the essay might be made better if you remove it completely. Otherwise, maybe introduce, in your first paragraph, a powerful anecdote from your time observing, and return to it in the conclusion. I’d love to know more about what actually happened while you were observing]
hey, it looks like my edits weren’t all transferred::
after the second paragraph: I deleted the “Diversity in education, however, is not limited to the classroom,” because it didn’t seem to follow from the previous statements, and it was also not needed. This paragraph was less personal than the first. It’s not bad, but it would be made stronger if you described why diversity matters to you. For example, i cared about diversity because I grew up black in white neighborhood, and wanted to understand the experiences of people not like me…
As someone who was allowed the opportunity to observe at a top children’s hospital, I hope to carry this experience with me through my college education. I am looking for a college that will provide me with the resources I need in order to pursue my career aspirations, which is why I found Vassar so appealing to me.
after the third paragraph: I agree with ialabound. This paragraph isn’t as strong as the rest. If you’re pressed for time, the essay might be made better if you remove it completely. Otherwise, maybe introduce, in your first paragraph, a powerful anecdote from your time observing, and return to it in the conclusion. I’d love to know more about what actually happened while you were observing
I also made some minor changes to sentence structure and word choice. I hope it helps.
**NOTE: I’m a harsh editor. Don’t take any of this personally, but at this point, harsh critique is the best way to revise your essay. I also don’t do grammatical edits, that should be something you can ask a parent to do. Don’t feel obliged to take any of my edits, nor should you simply copy & paste all my recommendations. I’ve written those without any previous thought, so tune it to your personal writing style.
- Whoaaa don’t post your essay on College Confidential, colleges can use plagiarism checkers & people can jack your essays, so I’d recommend messaging a mod to delete this thread.
- General gist: OK, not bad, but it doesn’t stand out in any particular way. I can share my “Why UChicago” Essay with you, feel free to PM me.
- Here’s something to think about (I was told this at Northwestern’s admissions visit): “Could I tell what school you were talking about if you took out ‘Vassar’ from the essay?”
- “Teachers often teach their students the way they were taught, however, this method doesn’t work for every child” seems like you’re trying to cater to the admissions officers. Fix it to something less brown-nosy like: “Sometimes, the standard methods of teaching aren’t applicable to each [unique] child.” (Brackets mean something that has the same meaning as the word inside, but the current word isn’t the correct one.)
- “As I grew older I became fascinated with learning disabilities and my interest led me to an observership I began as a junior at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia in the Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Department.”
The above^^ is good, it’s the right direction to head in. Focus more on this. Consider this: Colleges are looking for a well-rounded class, not a well-rounded applicant. So what is YOUR passion and how would it contribute to the campus?
- “When I found out about Vassar’s open curriculum, I was thrilled. In addition to the quality and flexibility of its course offerings, the department also has access to an immense amount of resources and world-class professors, so I know I will receive the best education. I also found that Vassar has an intimate student population and small class sizes, which really appealed to me as a homeschool student who hasn’t experience a class bigger than 15 students. Diversity in education, however, is not limited to the classroom, and I also want to attend a school that has a very socioeconomically and culturally diverse student body because I think the social life at a school is just as important as its academic life.”
Every single LAC pretty much has this, find something even more specific to Vassar; it doesn’t have to be big, but it should be something that you personally can connect with. Is it the way the kids dress? Is it the air you smelled from a garden in Vassar? Often times, the smallest things you love about a college often have the largest significance. I like what you’re trying to do here, but specialize and tone it to Vassar.
- " I hope to carry this experience with me through my college education. "
Firstoff, I’d recommend changing [hope] to “will” or something more definite, your passion should be a part of who you are as a person, continue with it, and know who you are.
- “I am looking for a college that will provide me with the resources I need in order to pursue my career aspirations, which is why I found Vassar so appealing to me.”
“I am looking for a college”… It is very indefinite, and it seems like you’re not wholeheartedly set on Vassar. Your career? What do you expect to use the resources you will get outside of just your career? Can you think of a problem that you have seen in your field that you might want to fix? Can you see how your field may potentially benefit another area of society? Have a larger dream (but reasonable) outside of “Career”. Show drive. Show ambition. End with something like “So why Vassar? There are limitless opportunities I will receive to pursue my dream at Vassar. That, coupled with everything else Vassar has to offer, (list things like social life A, fun tradition B, etc…) makes me want to think of Vassar as a home away from home.”
- That’s it. You have a decent essay, but I’d recommend trying to beyond that. As I stated above, feel free to choose to accept some, all, or none of my edits. Best of luck.
Do not post college essays on here!!! College essay detectors may think that you copied your essay from this!
Hi Rhidian, I’m also a student applying to Vassar for ED2 this year. I happened to saw your comments and I think they are very insightful. I wonder if you could take a look at my essay as well and maybe give me some advices? I would really appreciate it.