Villanova essay (due today) please help

<p>If you guys could just give me some feedback. </p>

<p>One of the core values of Villanova, as an Augustinian university founded on the teachings of St. Augustine, is that student and faculty learn from each other. As you imagine yourself as a member of the Villanova community, what is one lesson that you have learned in your life that you will want to share with others? </p>

<pre><code>“YOU’RE IN MY WAY! I CAN’T SEE THE TV,” I screamed at the top of my lungs. It was at my grandmother as she walked through my line of sight with the television. I know it is wrong and disrespectful to scream at a lady but she had those quirks that never failed to irritate me. And I, at the time a young chap, thought that I could “make it up” to her later. Do not misinterpret me, I love my Dadima (Hindi for the grandmother from the father’s side), the name that I will always associate her with. It was just that being in her presence extensively, in my case all the time, got onto my last nerves.
At this time my entire family, which consisted of my brother, my parents, my grandmother and me, lived in a one bedroom apartment in Pennsylvania. Living in such a small environment had its flaws but worst of all, it had no privacy. No matter what, we spent every minute of every day in the presence of our entire family. That meant that every day when Dadima wanted to rehearse her prayers, I had to endure listening to them … all of them ... every single day. That was just one of the quirks I hated, the others consist of persistent nagging to get work done or her stories on how a man should really act. Unfortunately, I deemed her stories to be unrealistic fables. I regret not benefitting from the years of experience she must have pooled into those “fables”.
My reality check came on the morning of May 13, 2008, when my parents informed me of the news. I was under the misleading impression that it was a regular school day; I took my shower and threw on some typical clothes and headed downstairs. To my surprise, I found my mom and dad sitting and discussing something important at the dinner table (this was atypical because my parents should have been at work by now). It didn’t take me long to recognize something eerie about the situation. And that is when my parents broke the news to me; minutes before I had to leave the house. They did not give me the complete details, and never did I ask. But this is event changed me.
The following days were really hard for me. I could not help but feel guilty about the way I treated my own grandmother. In fact, I feel ashamed now, three years later, even thinking about it. Even though her stories and actions bothered me, it was her presence that I actually loved, missed. When my parents worked night and day to put food on the table, only dadima was left to take care of us. She was the motherly figure that I truly needed to complete me. If only I had expressed my love to her, if only I had listened to what she had to say maybe the guilt that resides in me now would be able to escape.
My grandmother’s death made me realize the importance of life, and cherishing it with the people in it. The tragedy that we endured only made us conform as a family. Instead of stuffing our faces in front of the TV, we started to have meals as a family on the dining table. Instead of yelling at each other and fighting, my brother and I started to become responsible as we knew that we had to take care of each other. And my parents, instead of fighting at every instance, they started to support each other. Even at college, I plan on applying this moral; I will live life and cherish it with my friends because maybe, just maybe I will not see them after the four years.
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<p>I like your essay. A few edits jump out at me, but not more than most HS kids’ essays. I did a “double take” at one point, though, and that I did is a tribute to your ability to paint a picture for me with your writing.</p>

<p>The picture I had was of your family crammed together in a small one bedroom flat. I was literally visualizing the scene. The double take occurred when you wrote about coming downstairs that sad day. My mind sort of jumped. Sure, one bedroom apartments can have two levels, or perhaps your family had moved to larger quarters. No matter.</p>

<p>I only point this out because you are looking for feedback and that is mine. As I said earlier, my comment is more a reflection on you ability to make me see and feel what you are writing about than anything else.</p>

<p>In writing about an immature life mistake you are taking a risk, but I think you’ve handled it well, and I wish you the best of luck.</p>

<p>yea i see what you’re sayhing. in my common app essay i mentioned that i moved often. I wanted to explain it in this too but i did not want to be repetitive. what do you think i should do about that</p>

<p>and if there are any other mistakes, feel free to correct them</p>

<p>Maybe something like this…</p>

<p>My reality check came about three years later, on the morning of May 13, 2008, when my parents informed me of the news. Though we had moved to a (larger apartment, regular house, whatever) by then, my Dadima had always been a part of our household and family. I started the day under the misleading impression…</p>

<p>If it were me, I’d probably refer to myself as a little punk rather than a young chap.</p>

<p>Don’t sweat the details, and don’t lose your voice. It is a good essay. Again, good luck.</p>

<p>I think it’s a nice essay. There are some funny constructions, though. Are you a non-English speaker?</p>

<p>“Rehearse her prayers” makes it sound like she was practicing something. Do you mean “recite?”</p>

<p>“conform as a family” isn’t right. Maybe “cohere?”</p>

<p>“got onto my last nerves” should be “got on my nerves.”</p>

<p>“But this is event changed me.” I think there are some missing words.</p>

<p>The last paragraph-- the “live life and cherish it with my friends” feels a little cliched to me, and I’m not sure it really sums up the point you are trying to make.</p>

<p>I really don’t get how people can be naive enough to post their essays on a public forum. I mean dude I could google a part of your essay and this thread will come up right away. Anyone can use this essay for their own benefits and you won’t be able to do anything about it.</p>

<p>I agree with quialah you should change the last essay a little bit like:</p>

<p>This event immensely affect my life, it made me appreciate every moment that I spend with my love ones, and motivated me to understand and listen to people. </p>

<p>I think you should eliminate the “maybe, just maybe I won’t see them again” into something different. </p>

<p>Even though, they might share different preference and habits I will strive to…(insert something that your learned or that relates to your essay)</p>

<p>just my opinion…overall good essay. Good Luck!</p>