In drawing up a wedding guest list, is it impolite to invite some in a certain category like aunts and uncles and not others? Some aunts and uncles are close and you see them often and others are not.
It’s the couple’s wedding…and really they can invite whomever they want to invite…or not.
That being said…for our DD, we asked that she invite all of her aunts and uncles on both sides (we see them all), and their kids (mine and my husband’s first cousins…who we also see). No one a generation younger was invited…and no children under 18.
I think it’s easier to draw a line in the sand than to exclude someone for some other reason.
Sometimes it depends upon how far away the relatives live. Some people feel it could be “looking for a gift” if you invite someone unlikely to be able to attend. (That is an old memory, maybe less relevant now that it is easier/cheaper to fly.)
I think the couple should invite the people they want. No matter what you do there will be SOMEONE who thinks they should have been invited who wasn’t.
4 Likes
Every family has different dynamics. Sometimes you have to throw some invites out there in order to keep the family peace (particularly if you come from a big Italian family like my husband’s - those aunts never forget anything! 
)
9 Likes
I agree that this is very family dependent. Not a chance it would have worked in my family to exclude aunts/uncles, no matter the relationship.
1 Like
In another etiquette issue, D has been discussing +1s. In her words, why should she have people at the wedding who she doesn’t know. I’ve advised that it’s ok to not invite any +1s if that’s what she wants, since all the people she will invite are related to or friends with other invitees. I did tell her that she should invite any couples who are married, engaged or living together. How do you feel about this advice?
I was once invited to a wedding without my husband. I was surprised, but fine with it since he doesn’t know the couple well. In weddings my theory is go with the flow and whatever the couple wants.
Back to the OP, I’ve told D she should invite her great aunts, but can skip her parents’ cousins and their families.
1 Like
People can invite whoever they want. However those not invited are also free to feel how ever they want also.
So if a person does not care about the fallout and family dynamics, invite away.
2 Likes
My daughter feels the same way in general but agrees with your advice as well. She also relented and allowed the members of the wedding party to invite their s/o’s, no matter what their status is (there’s a mix of married, engaged & various stages of dating). My younger daughter is thrilled that her bf can now come.
She did argue with her son-to-be MIL who wanted her sister to be allowed to bring the “boyfriend of the month”. My D gave in to keep the peace but as she predicted, MIL’s sister and her boyfriend broke up and the plate has already been counted. MIL is reimbursing D for the boyfriend’s plate cost.
3 Likes
Re: +1’s I can see the idea of if if they are engaged, living together, whatever seems semi-permanent +1’ing them. But I also sometimes would have to think - will this person I want to invite know others at the wedding so it’s not too awkward to come solo??? If not and I really would like this person to attend, if it’s my wedding I’m inclined to do a +1.
1 Like
I agree that +1s aren’t necessary if it’s someone who knows lot of other guests and would be comfortable coming alone (and who isn’t coupled up).
That’s a real tough one…I do think it should be up to the bride and groom, it is their wedding. But, there are also a lot of other factors that come into play. You have to deal with family dynamics, who is paying for the wedding, family size, budget, etc. You also want to keep the peace.
I think it’s up to each family. Would not inviting these relatives cause hurt feelings and resentment? Or would it not matter? Who is paying for the wedding? What is the budget and desired size of the wedding?
1 Like
In our case, I have a set of of 5 cousins who are close in age to me and my siblings. For D’s wedding we invited their mom, one brother and one sister. These three know and are close to D. Two of the other (not invited siblings) were totally ok with it, but one got mad. None of them live near us.
I think there can also be a balance needed on groom vs bride invites. Especially if bride’s parents are paying, it would be awkward to have too many groom invites.
We have talked a little about this since we have a very small family and ds’s gf has a very large family. They would like it to be more equal and want a small destination wedding (mountains in CO). That will mean making some not too popular cuts but it is what they both want. It will be interesting how her parents react to it. I have a feeling they are going to want to pay for a big wedding in her home town, with mom making the guest list no matter what the couple wants.
1 Like
We actually didn’t invite +1’s, anyone with a SO was invited with that person, but many of our friends were single and all knew each other (we graduated high school together and dated for 5 years after college and lived local). If their dating situation changed then the SO would be added, but we didn’t want to have to pay for a 1+ that some of my husband’s friends would be meeting at a bar the night before (our venue was indoor/outdoor, so there was a limited number in case of rain and we couldn’t be outside). My friend did some thing similar but made the cut the couple had to be together at the time the invitations went out (my husband and I were together at the time of the wedding but he didn’t make the cut, it was fine, lots of my college friends were there).
That’s what my daughter and SIL did.
1 Like
Re: balance on brides/grooms side. When we married our reception place had a pretty firm limit of guests. We agreed equal number from each side, but…I had a lot more relatives I was close to. H was able to use his allotment to invite dozens of his friends while I literally was able to invite 6 of my friends who were not in the bridal party!
Lesson learned: equal number needs to take into account family size.
2 Likes
I remember years ago Miss Manners was asked what to say to single people who asked to bring a +1 to a wedding. Her response was to say to them, “Of course and congratulations on your engagement.”
We had a small guest list for our son’s Bar Mitzvah celebrations. We knew my husband’s uncle wanted to bring his current girlfriend because he didn’t feel like traveling alone. We invited only him. My MIL asked if we needed the girlfriend’s address so we could send an invitation. Nope, we said, we were not inviting her. Uncle’s response card had both of them attending and they both showed up.
1 Like
SIL is an immigrant whose mother has many friends who are from her country of origin. Their wedding receptions are HUGE, and RSVPs are not a thing. We have some country clubs in the area that specialize in these weddings. SIL is not involved in the community, and he was very stern with his mom about doing things “the Americah way.” Fortunately, his mom was cool about it … but SIL reminded her throughout that if anyone showed up who hadn’t RSVP’d, she would have to ask them to leave. As it turned out, no one extra came, although quite a few women brought a friend in place of their spouse, which was fine. There’s all kinds of drama that can go along with wedding guest lists!
1 Like