They can in Wisconsin if they are with their parents.
Good point, I know itās that way in at least Ohio.
If youāre inviting aunts and uncles, Iād invite all of them. If you send those invites out early some may end up declining anyway due to the pandemic. Iād feel terrible if I showed up at the wedding of a niece or nephew and discovered one of my siblings or spouseās siblings hadnāt been invited.
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For sonās wedding, the aunts and uncles and first cousins from our side (small family, only 9 people altogether). Bride is not inviting any aunts, uncles, or cousins from her side. That is her preference and she says her dad is fine with it. He is inviting a few friend couples that are close to the bride. The guests will mostly be the friends of the bride and groom. We are inviting 2 couples that also know our son well (and their sons are groomsmen).
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This!
Our family policy is to include everyone of the same level of relationship, for example all of my cousins were invited to our kidsā celebrations; their spouses had different degrees of relationships represented - one has a very large family so had aunts/uncles but not cousins, another had family estrangement so invited no aunts/uncles. The invitation relationships were uniform for bridesā families and groomsā families, but not consistent between them.
Listen, there are a LOT of family dynamics out there.
Donāt keep up with the Joneses and the Joneses are not obligated to keep up with āyouā.
Not inviting kids does not mean a couple or family donāt like or enjoy kids. Maybe they prefer kids not be exposed to drinking or over the top dancing. Whatever the reason!
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OP here: I am the aunt who is being excluded from my nieceās wedding. All aunts and uncles are not being invited. Her side has three. His side has many (not sure how many). Yes, my feelings were still hurt. Iām the aunt who dropped everything and rushed to her side when she was having a nervous breakdown in college in my city. In April, I drove 1,000 miles out of my way to see her on a cross country trip. And now because I told my sister that my feelings were hurt, I am the bad guy.
I donāt know whether the groom is close to his aunts and uncles or not. So I canāt comment on the one size fits all non-invitations.
But I can say that I no longer feel close to this niece. Perhaps this has opened my eyes to reality.
Unfortunately, it has also tainted my formerly great relationship with my sister. She brooks no criticism of her daughter.
In the email telling me I wouldnāt be invited, sister gushed over how cute this small wedding would be. She later said she thought that was āincludingā me. I thought it was ārubbing my nose in itā.
So the whole thing is a family mess. Thank you for reading my venting.
@TatinG - in your case I definitely see why you are hurt. Iām sorry.
My heart breaks for you.
I am angry, yes angry because of a family dynamic that left me excluded. My sister did something to purposely exclude me that I donāt think Iāll be able to recover from.
It was her choice, itās mine to be hurt. I canāt imagine our relationship coming back from this. I was the person who drove to her house and watched her children while her husband was in the hospital, thatās just the tip of an iceberg of things I did willingly for her. She wasnāt able to return the favor when I asked for one.
She finally was persuaded to apologize after a year and half. Only to call me to explain why it was right to exclude me.
Why am I saying all this? Because itās a hollow feeling, but you are not alone.
So, sorry @TatinG , You said there are 3 aunts and uncles on brideās side. Were you the only one not invited? That would be very hurtful.
Iām sorry you are being excluded. I guess if itās a small wedding, itās a small wedding and thereās nothing you can do.
I agree that this would cause me to re-evaluate my relationship with both the niece and sister, putting some emotional distance there. Are you the only sibling not being invited?
I will say this, however ā¦ my sister and I over the years have had a fraught relationship with tons of reasons for me to cut her out of my life, but dh told me to keep being at least civil. He was right. I donāt know your larger family situation, but when our dad got sick it really helped for my sister and brother and I to work as a team to care for him and my mom. My sister finally divorced her horrible husband, and itās like my old sister came back to me. I am so happy that the three of us are working together to attend to our momās needs. Bottom line: This may sting now, but I wouldnāt let it be a deal breaker, especially if some of your other siblings arenāt invited.
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I am polite but distant with my sister. For me, the realization that this is who she is and wonāt change.
I invited her to our family Christmas. She managed to do her same old tricks and change the things I planned even though the event was at my family house.
I am tired of feeling that there is a cool kids group, that I am not a part of. And the actions that are done to drive this point.
But if this is out of character, maybe the passage of time will change thing. I think being polite but not going out of your way is ok for your own mental health
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That is very sad situation. You are right to be hurt and in need of a place to vent. I hope down the way your sister tries harder to apologize and mend the relationship.
As an outsider reading this, Iāll mention that it occurs to me that your niece/sister maybe (consciously or unconsciously) didnāt want a reminder of the nieceās dark times on her wedding day. Whatever the reason for the decision, itās a shame because you sound like a very caring person.
It can hurt to be excluded. Sorry you are feeling it.
Iām not clear, though, did they invite any aunts and uncles at all? Or did they invite some and not invite you?
If the latter that definitely sucks.
If the former I think thatās fine and while you might like to go I donāt think you need to let this cause a rift.
Iāve been there done that this summer and I was fine with it. It was a destination wedding across the country for my nephew and it was way fancier than I usually roll anyway so I was kinda glad to not be invited and have a good excuse not to go. I definitely did not feel excluded. My brother wasnāt invited either. They kept it pretty small because of COVID. They did have some friends and her family that lived nearby and my niece and my sister and brother-in-law, of course, but it wasnāt a giant wedding, so absolutely no hurt feelings at all from me. My sister sent videos and photos and I enjoyed looking at them and was happy for them.
If they had invited my brother, but not invited me I could have seen where that might feel exclusionary. I have no idea if they invited any of the brideās aunts and uncles and definitely donāt care and wouldnāt feel excluded if they did.
I do think it is correct and proper generally speaking to invite all of the aunts and uncles or none of the aunts and uncles, but of course different family dynamics play into it. If one uncle is abusive then do not invite him. If the mother of the bride is on the outs with her sister and doesnāt want to invite her, Iād invite her anyway unless sheās done something egregious like have an affair with the groomās dad or something. If theyāre just bickering then a wedding is a chance to reconnect. If you donāt invite that can make the rift worse.
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They are excluding all aunts and uncles. One size fits all (as I said). Whether youāve seen them lately, are close to them, whatever. All treated alike based on this label.
So sorry. That is not uncommon for a decision to be made to include all or none, but it still hurts.
Additionally, I got a snippy email from the niece saying that I was causing the family drama. I relayed my feelings only to my sister and my dad, not to her. But it got back to her. I then sent her an apologetic email saying that I was sorry for any role I played in causing family drama and wishing her a lovely wedding. This was days ago and Iāve gotten no reply.
I cannot accuse her of being ill mannered or rude as that would upset my sister.
I do appreciate your opinions on this. If I had been excluded from the wedding of someone I didnāt care about, I wouldnāt have been upset. I donāt think I am hyper sensitive.
Itās a shame when weddings cause family rifts. Or maybe just expose rifts that were hidden.
Gotta say I think that is okay. Iām sorry you feel hurt, but if they are trying to keep the wedding small I think that is the way to go. And I do think it would be wrong to invite you and not invite the rest of the aunts and uncles unless they are just horrible horrible people.
Iām sorry it got back to your niece and you did the right thing to write a gracious email wishing them the best.
Try to mend those fences with your sister and your niece and then just deal with it. You are sad that you canāt go, but these are weird weird times we are living in now. Cut 'em some slack. Itās a hard time to be planning celebrations.
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When my daughter got married she also wanted to keep it small. But we didnāt invite people based on their relationship status, we invited people to whom we were close. So her three close cousins were invited and the four cousins sheās never met were not.
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That cousin decision makes perfect sense to me. I feel like there are guidelines to consider, but few one-size-fits-all rules.
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