@TatinG - I’m sorry. I do think people see drawing lines at certain places to be prima facie fair, but it isn’t as it is applied.
I struggle a bit with the couple gets to decide everything. If they are paying for everything, then yes, I agree. Otherwise, I think there is some level of family obligation. As one example, I had a friend who had a wedding budget for her daughter. I attended the wedding, and I am thinking it must have been pretty generous. Anyway, daughter initially had the idea of taking that money and doing a small-ish, fly-to destination wedding and covering everyone’s costs. My friend the mom said, “Absolutely not,” because there was no way that elderly grandparents and other relatives could have taken a trip like that. IMO, she had standing to have a say-so about that because she was footing the bill. She wasn’t offering the generous budget with no strings attached.
I think about costs a lot because we have a very small family. I am also not of the mindset to invite people just to get a gift. I have a ds, so if we were to offer to pay for half of a wedding, we would be entertaining a whole lotta people we don’t even know. I can’t imagine our having more than 30 people we would want to invite. Probably not even that many.
I think the demarcation by type of relative can also play out unfairly. I mean, I am an only, so I have no siblings to invite. I am, however, close to one cousin, so I would be unhappy with a “no cousins,” rule because that would eliminate her.
It is so hard – I have 1 sibling and no aunts or uncles. My husband has 7 siblings and something like 10 aunts/uncles. This thread reminded me that I thought it was unfair, but since it was over 30 years ago I cannot remember how we resolved the issue!
I suggested to my daughter (the one who isn’t engaged but planning planning planning) that instead of saying that they are inviting only siblings or only uncles that they might agree that each side gets 12 relatives or 20 or whatever they want. The groom has 2 brothers, parents, grandparents and 9 million cousins. Bride has a mother (me) a sister, and one grandmother still living who cannot travel, so place of the wedding will dictate her attendance.
I think it will be decided by having a wedding and at least one separate reception on the east coast.
When D1 got married, the cut off for plus one was if they were engaged or living together. They made special allowances for my niece and nephew because they grew up together (went on vacations few times a year and spent every Xmas together).
When my only niece got married this May, she sad no children were invited. D1’s baby was still getting breast fed and the wedding was a flight away. The groom’s side also had few babies, but they were all within a driving distance to the wedding. D1 ended up bringing the baby, but her husband couldn’t attend the actual wedding because he had to babysit the baby. D1 could have made a choice of not attending, but she she didn’t want to miss her cousin’s wedding. I am still speaking to my sister, but there is just a bit of frost.
My brother’s sons are planning their ending for next 2 years and my sister’s son and wife are getting ready to start a family. Wonder what my sister will say to my brother when the time comes.
I think people worry that babies are going to a lot more disruptive than they usually are. I only had one friend with a baby when we got married. She asked if she could bring him and said up front she’d sit in the back and whisk him away if he got fussy. He didn’t make a peep and as far as I know was fine during the reception as well.
When I was in sixth grade my beloved aunt (my father’s sister - the young cool aunt) got married. My sister who is two years older than me was in the bridal party, my mother was in the bridal party, my father was in the bridal party, and my cousin who is one year older than me was in the bridal party. I was left out and told I was too young. So my entire immediate family except me was in the bridal party. I was invited to the wedding. I was very upset about it (still resent it after 50 years - which is probably why I am posting this!)
@kiddie - that’s odd of your aunt having everyone in your family in the bridal party except you. And I get that as a pre teen girl that would hurt…
When my oldest brother got married neither my sister nor I was asked to be in the wedding party. There were 8 bridesmaids (not a small wedding!) and SIL has no sisters. I was 21 and didn’t really care but my sister (age 16 at the time and very close to our brother) was upset.
It can be hard to exclude one person in family. When I was in 8th grade, my best friend has odd situation. Her sister, 2 years older, was very good friends with a neighbor boy who was our age. The parents were also close with that family. For boy’s Bar Mitzvah, my friend was the only family member excluded from invitation. She really felt left out, and I understood her feelings.