What defines a strong essay?

Everyone says by Common App essay is great, but I don’t see it. I’m answering how an accomplishment sparked a period of personal growth. Here is my outline so far

  1. I ran for service council clerk (something I'm passionate about)
  2. I feared loosing because it was high school and I felt that everything was a popularity contest (which is why I never ran for student council)
  3. I won service council clerk, realizing that while everybody was not my friend, they respected me
  4. Encouraged me to go out for Student Council and I won.
  5. Learned to value my merit more and that I can't let social relationships affect what I do
  6. Still learning the thing about social relationships
  7. I was a camp counselor recently and me and my CIT were not friends. She struggled to respect me and I struggled to put control on her mistakes making the job difficult for both of us because I was nervous to tell her what to do since we were not really friends.

I don’t know. That is what I currently have, love to hear your thoughts. Be as brutal as possible, better than nothing