<p>sue-</p>
<p>It appears to me that you desperately - and rightly, imo - want some things to change in this sphere. And that your son likely does not want things to change. Why would he?</p>
<p>You don’t seem to take action to change things to a situation more to your liking. I can only guess why, but part of my guess is that you fear it will simply create more strife. The other part is that you feel your son will act irresponsibly if part of college financing is to come out of his pocketbook.</p>
<p>You fear he won’t buy books. Another poster made an eminently sensible suggestion - you pay tuition, other bursar invoice items and books (even all or part of meal plan equivalent, if you like). He pays for everything else.</p>
<p>You obviously love and care about your son’s welfare and day-to-day experience and don’t want him to do without. It comes through, even in such little things as sending him q-tips and toothpaste.</p>
<p>You can present your new plan as, just as others have said, part of a natural progression in his movement into adulthood. </p>
<p>Tell him that as he moves into his second (third/whichever) year of college, you want him to have more experience handling his own finances. Ergo, you will pay bursar bill and books. He will do everything else.</p>
<p>If he goes without q-tips because they are not a “fun” “want” item, no problem. If he goes without toothpaste, his “fun” friends will probably let him know, explicitly or subtly, that this is a poor idea. He is unlikely to go without eating.</p>
<p>Present it in a positive way - in a letter or email if you don’t think you can succeed any other way. But, imo, it’s never too late to try to improve communications.</p>
<p>If you two are getting together from time to time, ask him out for dinner. Present this as conversation at that time, with that conversation being a recognition of his moving onward and upward in life, being ready to take on more and more responsibility. Find the one or two things that you DO respect in your son, that he HAS done well and mention those as why you are certain that he is ready for this kind of transition.</p>
<p>calmom (as so often is true) has said it in a nutshell… if you want things to change, you have to be the one to start. And you can. You truly can.</p>