<p>FYI, the bad relationship with my parents had to do with physical and emotional abuse that would get them put in jail in today’s world, or at the very least have put me in foster care (which I would have welcomed).</p>
<p>sue, did any of the suggestions made here seem like things you could try?</p>
<p>I had already told him that I was going to require that 1/2 of any money made in excess of the student income allowance was going to have to be either given to me or used for school. The easiest thing is to have him use it for books. He’s not at that threshhold yet. He is paying for ALL his fun stuff and 95% of food. I honestly don’t mind helping out (I can get cereal for $1.50 why make him pay $5 or more a box). I do mind being taken for granted and made to feel like a doormat. He’s working at the school gym (one of his 2 jobs) and we’re still not sure if the money he has earned since may will be work study from this past year (he had $900 in ws allocated which he had not used). And he just changed jobs and I’ll be getting his paystubs (just getting him to put this address was a major accomplishment) so I will know exactly how much he is making. </p>
<p>He does have $5900 in loans (stafford/perkins) from this past year. haven’t gotten the FA for next year yet. </p>
<p>I wish to god that I didn’t have to give him ultimatums and threats, but since that is what he responds to…</p>
<p>My parents would belittle me about NOT buying clothes, they made fun of me. Said I looked like a hobo. My mother physically dragged me to get my long hair cut when I was 13. They locked the refrigerator so I couldn’t eat unless it was mealtime. They yelled at me for not getting a perfect score on everything. I only wanted to be a different parent than they were. I wanted to treat my child like I wanted to be treated. I haven’t spoiled him with video games, cars (he doesn’t have a license), expensive junk. He resents me for that. Oh well, maybe he’ll have better luck with his kid. OTOH, he is so much ‘book smarter’ than I ever was. I pains me to see him be materialistic. I didn’t set that example.</p>
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<p>They’re going to hate you anyway, you might as well do what’s right. Sounds like you’re on the right track.</p>
<p>I finally got my parents to agree to paying for my freshman year’s private loan of $20,500. I will be paying my Stafford Loans, Wesleyan Loans, and sophomore, junior, and fifth year loans (provided I do make it into the 5year MS program). She was shocked today when I told her I was going to put a majority of my life savings towards my tuition this year. While I do not understand why my parents won’t pay more of my tuition based on their income, I did make an agreement that they would begin to pay off my private loans untill they have paid my share so I can save up money. I think you should do what I did, and make a bargain.</p>
<p>my son never made more than $1700 (plus gifts) before this year, so he never had much money to spend.<br>
I have no intentions of paying off his federal student loans, nor do I have any intention of cosigning any private loans (education or otherwise).<br>
I realize that EFC is “family” contribution, but I wasn’t going to try to get blood from a stone. This is the first year he’s making money and for that I am grateful, I’m only asking for the amt of the efc that will be as a result of his income.</p>
<p>it’s hard when his hs buddy pulled up (in front of my 1991 Honda) in a 1965 Mustang Shelby (metallic blue) at age 17 and they drove back to his house to play the latest video games. I think we have a Nintendo 64 and original playstation, bought when you could get them at a flea market for cheap…</p>
<p>Sue, I think you’ve probably received more advice than you thought you would and after reading through it all I think it is quite sound. Tough love takes energy, strength and conviction…and thats what you need to practice right now. If he spends his money and has none for books, thats his tough luck, poor planning and not your problem. He needs to learn responsiblity and learn it fast. He’ll appreciate what you provide for him far more if he has to contribute some it himself.Of course, you need to tell him your expectations now…and then stick to it.</p>
<p>Sue, I am with you on the pain of having a materialistic child. My D is about the $ and the “stuff” all the way. My S is the complete opposite, as are H & I. Both kids were the same way. Go figure.</p>
<p>I am with those who have suggested that you contribute exactly the amount that you want to give, and no more. Pay your share directly to tuition, room/board, and if you are willing to give more, then dole it out once a month or whatever works for you, and then don’t give any more. I wouldn’t want to get involved in the power struggles that will arise if you request/demand that he spend money in certain ways. You can’t win that one. You can only change your behavior, i.e., by controlling how much money you give.</p>
<p>As long as your S knows exactly what you will do and you follow through consistently, he will learn many life lessons. He will have only himself to blame if he overspends in one area and doesn’t have enough left in another. I predict that he’ll figure it out fast.</p>
<p>Sue, it sounds like you had a horrible childhood and are trying to be a better parent to your son. That is great. I do think you are on the right track. The trick is giving what you feel comfortable giving without resentment and then setting limits. It’s really ok to say no.</p>
<p>Sue, you need a ((((hug))) first. I know this is a frustrating situation . I do think you are enabling his behavior somewhat as we mothers do sometimes. But, you need to wean him.<br>
Stop sending him stuff. If you stop he will find what he needs.
If you gave him a charge card, get it back or give him a gas card good only for gas if that is why he is supposed to have it.
Talk to him about this situation and don’t just send him an email…you are his mother, this should be something you can do.
When you do talk to him, set out expectations, and what his options are part time jobs or stafford loans, whatever. You can also set the same rules for the summer–you don’t pay for summer trips or school…he has to figure out that on his own…but he will need the money for the school year for his part.</p>
<p>Sometimes we have to MAKE our children grow up. Next summer if he wants to do something away from home…let him figure out a way to pay for it.
just say WOW, honey that sounds exciting.
Stop enabling… but continue to love…always. It will be hard but in the end he will grow up and accept responsibility. </p>
<p>Enlist his father to help in this…sometimes a boy needs a man to make him learn to be one.</p>
<p>Sue, good luck to you. It is very evident that you are a caring parent. We all get off track at times.</p>