What Is Your Role In Your Immediate or Extended Family?

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
21

For my immediate family:
Organizer/Researcher (unless it’s a tech thing, then that’s all H)
Rescuer (don’t get me started on this dog my 22 yr old got from the shelter that escaped and then we re-rescued after a week on the lam running through the city on busy roads and interstates. But H also rescues for tech and car stuff — they call him if they have a computer or car problem)
Mediator
Cheerleader (somewhat, I’m not that upbeat naturally, but I try because H can be a real negative Neil)
Nurturer
The Glue
Travel Agent
Secretary
Chief Dishwasher (I would like to bequeath this title to someone else)

For my family of origin:
Scapegoat (my brother scapegoated me pretty badly during our parents later years)
Nurturer
Outsider (my sis and brother are older and my family and I are not always included)
as a kid I tried to be a clown some

For H and his family of origin (his mom is still kickin’):
Organizer
Rescuer
Mediator
(reluctant) Cheerleader
Nurturer
The Glue

His siblings have a lot going on and his brother in particular is pretty unreliable. H is the steady one and his mom’s go-to even though we don’t live in the same town and his brother and sister do live in the same city as his mom. She’s always calling him about something and when she broke her hip he was the one that dropped everything to go be with her.

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Yes, I am organizer/researcher, especially md appts. When I do it, i know if gets done. H and the kids are making their own appts now, but for a long time, i did it for all of us. For my mom, I still make most of her appts and make sure she attends them.

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Proofreader/editor. And lots of the ones you all mentioned above. Liked being the mom taxi more that I thought I would, when work schedule permitted. It’s an opportunity for a captive audience!

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24

Nuclear family: Organizer, Rescuer, Mediator, Cheerleader, Nurturer

Extended family: Black sheep

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25

Yep, moms can never win!

Honestly, I do win a lot of the time. To be more positive, I’m the one my girls go to when they have personal problems, so I guess I’m the sympathetic ear. I’m also the reliable communicator because they know I’ll always answer their texts promptly as opposed to their dad, who won’t set up texting on his IPad because he doesn’t want a bunch of “annoying texts”. I’m also the travel agent which they appreciate a lot. I must also be the provider of security, since my youngest is getting her master’s just to spend one more year being near us (we live near her college). I’m also the giver of honest advice and they’ve told me they appreciate that. Finally, I’m the provider of pretty decent home haircuts! All three of my family members would rather have me cut their hair than going to a salon.

Their dad is the cheerleader. He is always positive. He is also the one who is willing to assist in any way even if it means traveling long distances (he flew to my moms home state, so she didn’t have to fly alone to come visit us). He is the dependable companion, always willing to accompany anyone on any type of outing, fun or otherwise. His love language is definitely acts of service.

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26

Current family:

  • The adult
  • planner/organizer (like everyone else here, lol)
  • The Pack Mule (not just pack everything & carry everything/pack in the car… but also whenever we are out & about touring, I seem to be the one who gets stuck carrying everything nobody wants (backpacks, coats, souvenirs. It’s a running joke now)
  • The Magic Cleaning Fairy and her cousin - The Magic Laundry Fairy.

Childhood family:

  • The responsible one
  • The smart one
  • The athletic one
  • The quiet one
  • The miser

Everything/anything that is considered “adulting” is done by me. Exceptions are taking a broken car to the mechanic and calling/scheduling contractors for home improvement stuff. But anytime someone has to be home for any activity - that’s all me too, unless it’s in the summer.

Even as a kid (like 7-8 years old), nobody had to tell me to be ready or to do something. It was the other way around. I made sure my mom got me where I (and everyone) needed to go, made sure all paperwork was signed, etc. At 9 I was responsible for taking care of my 6 year old brother when my mom went back to work. I’d have him do his work, get him a snack, and clean the house. (my mom doesn’t clean.) And then I’d teach him more so he’d be extra smart, lol…

An example this week that some may relate to. H wants to get his hip replaced. I told him I would go to all appointments and be as supportive as I could, but HE would have to call and schedule the doctor’s appointment. I wanted him to at least do that step. OK, he says. Tomorrow. Tomorrow comes, and I get a text. “What’s my doctor’s name and the name of the place?” I text him back. He calls and asks when he was there last. I answer. “What should I tell them?” I give him a run down. “Can you look up the number?” Of course. “When should I make the appointment?” Anytime but graduation and our vacation. “when is that again?” (I’ve only told him this info 20 times in the last 6 months!) But yes… HE did call and make the appointment, lol…

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27

My mom asked this of my husband when she was dying. He has carried that role proudly, as he loves my 2 (very different) sibs & families. It hasn’t always been easy, not because of any drama but due to very long distances between us (Hawaii/Japan (dual residencies) and East Coast) and other family priorities and issues. He did have to assert himself in the role last year, when the HI sib was not fully committed to coming east for a family wedding due to a business obligation in Japan. H spoke up and told him Mom would NOT be happy if he missed it - and sib came and had a great time. First time all 3 of us have been together in a long time.

Growing up, I was The Baby in my family of origin. Sibs are 6 and 8 years older than me. They think I got away with everything. I think they got all the parental attention that I craved.

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28

LOL!!!

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29

I am the universal problem solver for 4 generations (my 92 year old mother, my siblings/spouse, children/nieces and nephews, and now grandchildren. Job requirements have been mentioned in previous posts.

I also moonlight as Walking Google.

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30

I’m the keeper of all family and extended family contact information

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31

ShawWife and I divide the world into the visible and the invisible. ShawWife is great at the visible – cooking (she is a really good cook), making things (over the years she has made book cases, storage units, and is currently making a chandelier using fiber optics and 3D printing, …), fixing things, colors, cleaning (and particularly managing the house cleaner), acting as a general contractor for repairs, etc… She also organizes our social life – she has wonderful personality, great social skills and strong social needs and gets us out bicycling or kayaking. She is the emotional coach when our kids need advice.

I do the invisible. Long-term planning, investments, insurance, taxes, college planning/applications when that was relevant, procurement (I am really good at finding things at very good prices and finding things people didn’t know existed) including shopping for food, travel planning (and organizing), etc. I am the practical coach for ShawWife and the kids (though they have mostly adulted). I write ShawWife’s emails to galleries and museums – and suggest strategies. (For example, after she won a significant award, I suggested that she contact each of the jurors. As a result of one of those contacts, a museum purchased the first of her pieces for their collection and expects to do others. But, the coaching has included job applications, what to do about benefits, whether to accept a retention bonus, negotiating with employers, negotiating with venture investors, business strategy issues, using connections, etc. Negotiating contracts.

Both of our kids had a) serious medical issues growing up; and b) learning disabilities. I would research the medical issues and the LD issues. ShawWife typically took the kids to the doctors. I would write memos/emails laying out the issues with the doctors. At schools, I met with every teacher at the beginning of the year and presented and explained all of the neuropsych testing and worked with the Special Ed folks and teachers to help my kids get an education. ShawWife would be very helpful explaining the emotional/personal issues to the teachers/administrators. I tried to persuade them to do things that matched the current state of knowledge and, according to other folks, I was able to get them to agree to provide services and flexibility that they normally did not do.

Right now, I help the kids with career strategy, housing decisions and financial investments.

With my extended family, I am the go-to guy for anything complex or financial and the person thought to have wisdom. I am the go-to guy for ShawWife’s family for the complex/financial. People want ShawWife to be the guardian for their kids and want me to be the trustee of their trust or executor of their estate.

When I was growing up, I was the one expected to help out my siblings and never the reverse. I was the golden boy who never needed help.

I am not organized but hire wonderful executive assistants who help me with the details of whatever I take on. [Crisis coming on as my EA is taking maternity leave later this week].

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32

I’m the organizer.

I end up having to organize pretty much every time we get together with extended family. None of my DH’s relatives can make a decision to save their lives. yet they all want a say in what happens and when. Or what food is consumed at my house. And at what time. None of them can actually get on the phone together and hash the details out. I get demands/questions/requests 2nd hand even up to the day before a get-together.

There was ONE time for Christmas 3 yr ago after I’d had a double mastectomy for breast cancer earlier in the year (surgery was ON my eldest child’s b-day, no less) that I told DH that I wanted a simple Xmas that year…where I didn’t have to be the organizer. Where I didn’t have to plan all the meals, cook all the food, herd all of the cats in his family.

Told him that I’m happy to go to their place if one of them arranges for all of it. But they’d need to decide by early November what the plan was.

Nobody could decide. They all wanted me to continue being The Organizer. I refused. There’s nothing like staring death in the face to help you realize that life is too short to spend a whole lot of time trying to make everybody happy all of the time.

So we spent Xmas that year w/dear friends instead…these friends, it so happens, live about 1.5 hr from DH’s aunt & uncle and 2 hr drive from SIL & BIL. DH said, “What do I tell my family?” I don’t care, honey…tell them whatever you want.

Our friends even offered to have all of them over for Xmas Eve dinner or Xmas Day dinner. DH told them all. SIL & BIL never responded. Neither did the aunt & uncle. Then a couple of days after Xmas, the aunt & uncle claimed that we never told them that we’d be in the area. Oh, would they have come over in that case? No, of course not. Why? “It’s too far to drive.”

We’d driven 5.5 hr to get to our friends’ house.

For almost 20 yr, we’ve been driving about 6-6.5 hr one way to go visit all of those relatives of DH’s regularly. The aunt & uncle live about 45 min drive from SIL & BIL. Yet they hardly see each other. Every. Single. Time we’ve been in their area, it takes an act of God to get them all to agree on WHERE we’re going to meet and when. Aunt & uncle end up complaining about how far it is to drive and SIL & BIL complain, too. Yet we are the ones that drove 6-6.5 hr to see them.

So now, DH & I and our kids go on the vacations that WE want to. We’ve stopped setting aside our entire lives for these people. When we’re in their area for a couple of days or a few days for something else, we always tell them way in advance and say that we’d love to meet up with them. It almost never works out. They always flake out.

I am The Organizer of every one of our family trips somewhere. So when The Organizer stops organizing it, you know what happens? We don’t do that thing.

My life is simpler as a result.

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33

Yeah, well, I’m the Organizer too. Quelle surprise. And when I don’t want to organize it, it doesn’t happen. And that’s why we don’t travel anymore.

I used to be the Scapegoat in my family, until I learned how to quash that. That doesn’t happen anymore.

In my Family of Origin, I was the Nice One and my sister (6.5 years older) was the Smart One. And I was, and she was. But now that we’re older, we both realize that we’re both Smart and we’re both Nice.

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34

Lol. My husband has a magic dresser… it gets refilled with clean socks and undies magically! :wink: :wink:

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35

You know that all money found in pockets and in the washer/dryer goes directly to the Magic Laundry Fairy’s Retirement Fund, right? I miss the days when I’d find $10-20 a week!

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Alas… cashless transactions killed that $$ stream. All the fairy can find nowadays in those pockets are Costco receipts and used toothpicks. :laughing:

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37

Your H must be wearing my H’s jeans!

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38

When I had chore to do family laundry as a teen, keeping the pocket changes was a small perk. Funny that I didn’t think to make my own kids do laundry til a friend mentioned that guideline at her house.

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39

Problem solver
Budget/Investment/bill payer (all except taxes - H does those)
Schedule planner
Laundry caretaker
Critter boss (not always caretaker, but in charge of what happens)
Travel agent
Cheerleader

And potentially most important, I’m the only one allowed to put dishes in the dishwasher. I’m generally Type B, but not there I suppose.

Once my parents divorced when I was 11 and living with my dad, I took on many of these roles so they’re quite natural for me, though some were added later.

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40

@Creekland, ah yes. I to am the dishwasher loader. I somehow can optimize and if ShawWife puts stuff in, I need to take it out and start again.

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