Yikes, can we handle another “all about the family” thread???
I was thinking about this recently here and IRL. The roles we play in our immediate (spouses/partners, children and their families) and extended (our parents, siblings, other relatives) families.
Here are some family “roles”. You may have others to offer up:
Organizer
Rescuer
Scapegoat
Clown
Mediator
Cheerleader
Scapegoat (black sheep??)
Attention seeker
Nurturer
Loudly present and active
Quietly present and active
The Glue
Of course you can be more than one. You can also play different roles in your immediate family than your extended family.
You may be proud of a role - or begrudge it.
You may feel “all of the above” through the course of some time!
In my family of origin I was the organizer, the caregiver/rescuer, and the “strong one”. Begrudgingly for sure. My brother was seen as the clown and nurturer, and sometimes the scapegoat. He wasn’t happy with his “roles” either. I’m the oldest of two.
In my immediate husband/child family - still the organizer, still the caregiver/rescuer but also the nurturer. The combination feels better because I feel more seen as human being and with my own emotions and needs. I didn’t feel that way in my family of origin.
For me, I feel like I have a significant role in both immediate and extended, like it or not.
The ones I feel the most:
Immediate family: Cheerleader (I’m hugely optimistic - H can be pessimistic) , Rescuer, Nurturer.
Extended family: The Glue (my mom constantly pleaded with me to make sure all the sibs stayed close - I see that as my role, for her), Clown (I know I use my humor to lighten up situations, I’ve always had a wit about me), Organizer (I’ll be the one everyone reaches out to with family questions, organizes get togethers, etc.)
I’m a middle child - 3 of 4 - wonder if that plays into these roles at all?!
As my DD always says “You make sure this family runs smoothly “. I schedule all medical appointments, manage finances including investments and taxes, plan vacation, set reminders, care for elderly and youngsters, therapy for those who need it, etc. All that while working full time until recently.
I am this for origin and current family.
It gets tiring- especially when some people have mental and emotional health issues, to always be the one who is strong and holds it together and deals with everything. At the same time, I should and do (usually) feel blessed to not be struggling with those issues myself.
I am definitely an Organizer with a dollop of some other ones mixed in. My specialties are:
Travel agent
General contractor (I am in charge of getting bids and overseeing contractors)
Cat herder (I don’t think Mr. cleaned the cat box once in the past years)
Event planner (weddings, birthdays, baby showers, bring them on!)
Grill master and chef
I am the organizer in my immediate family. I am also a bit of a mediator between my H & the kids, although it’s gotten easier as they have gotten older (but I still have to tell H to chill out about something S might do from time to time).
In my family of origin, I am the only girl. I had four brothers, and they have always been closer with each other than with me. As adults, though, we have always been there for each other when needed. We all pitched in when our parents needed us, and when our older brother needed help. I have only two brothers left, and they are twins who are in business together. So I am still a bit of an outsider in their lives. But I know for a fact that they will always be there for me, and they know I am there for them. So I guess I am an active participant.
In my in-law family, my FIL valued my financial knowledge. He included me in financial matters as he aged, and he had me (along with H) meet with the trust officer of his & MIL’s trust. After he died, my role changed. MIL wants no part of me being involved in her finances, and she even changed her will without telling H (his S told him). That’s been a little hurtful, and I no longer volunteer to do anything other than simply be there to do as asked. I am one of those people who can see long term ramifications of decisions, but I just keep quiet now, reminding myself that it’s not my business.
How about punching bag (verbal). My kids are somewhat scared of their dad because he’s fun and easy going until you push him too far, and they don’t like that unpredictability I suppose. They feel more comfortable with me and I’m on the receiving end of a lot of unfair anger, resentment, etc.
For example, I was recently driving my daughter in her car that we bought for her (she was getting her wisdom teeth out). I accidentally pulled forward into the parking curb and scraped the bottom of her bumper. I got out and looked and there was no damage whatsoever. She yelled at me and then proceeded to pout and be rude to me for the next hour or so. Finally I said, “When X (her boyfriends brother) dented your car pulling out of the driveway, what did you do?” She said, “I hugged him and told him not to feel bad about it.” So I asked her why she felt she could treat me in a totally different way, especially since we bought the car for her, and there was no damage in my case. She finally apologized after that, but I told her that it was time to stop using me as a punching bag since she’s not a teenager anymore.
My older daughter, I recently learned, resents me for sending her gifts (her sister let that slip). She feels I’m not respecting her ability to be independent. That really hurt, because I do it out of love. Like good grief, cannot I just send you a damn blouse with cats on it because it was cute and I thought you’d like it??! (She just got a new kitty). If her dad sent her anything, which he very rarely does, she’d be overjoyed….sigh.
I feel like a lot of mothers are punching bags.
In relation to my siblings, I’m the black sheep and middle child, and was definitely treated like it.
Yep, that’s me. And having to coordinate the care of my 30-year-old son was definitely not in my plans. I’m glad I can do it, but yikes. Almost every day, there’s some issue to deal with.
In my immediate family:
Researcher (vacations, colleges, job ideas, apartment hunting, bargains, you name it I will figure out your best options)
Confidante
Mediator between DH and DD’19
Cat herder (like a PP, my DH has cleaned box 0 or 1 times even though every cat here was brought home by him without asking- but I don’t mind)
Accountant
Nurturer
Know-it-all
DH is the clown, rescuer, and the Fixer of All Things. In his extended family he is also the mediator and possibly the glue.
I was watching a show where the mom was trying to apologize to her daughter. It started out fine.
I told my husband–" Here it comes. Wait for it. This won’t end well. It’s ALWAYS the mom’s fault. For everything. Even when mom hasn’t done anything wrong."
Sure enough it fell apart with kid blaming mom for her life.
Me: " I could have written this."
The part I didn’t get right though was mom laid into her kid big time and turned it squarely back on her. Made me cheer. I’d have to look but I’m sure a mom wrote that particular scene.
Definite researcher. Doesn’t matter the topic–shopping, medical, you name it. Then the “why are you always on your phone/computer?”
Sometimes the “voice of reason”. A very tiring role known as Jiminy Cricket. “Maybe jumping off the bridge at midnight really isn’t a great idea.” “Perhaps we need to pare down the plans because we only have x amount of time and y amount of money.” It would be nice to be the “fun” one at least for a little while.
I’ve traditionally been organizer for immediate family. (I remember once a friend commented about how nicely my husband hard organized our whole summer of vacations / kid time with relatives, camps, childcare etc. Well he had put my info into a pretty little chart, but it was ME who had pulled together that patchwork of arrangements.) Happy to say that in retirement we both chip in on the organizing.
Family Tech Support/Tech advisor
Researcher
Diplomat
Nurturer
Photographer
The Artsy One (called upon whenever something has to look pretty–food, a poster, a certificate, a centerpiece, envelopes to address, etc)
