<p>Sorry to just jump in like this, but I’ve been lurking and you all give such great advice I wonder if you might weigh in on a dilemma I’ve been facing.
Everything I read and see online says to avoid going for the “woe is me” sympathy route like the plague. Originally I was going to write something relating to my battle with cancer (which happened last/my junior year) but now I’m afraid to do so. Would it be alright as long as I went about it without showering myself in self-pity? I just really want to get across how I would add a different perspective to the school and how I’m a fighter.
Any advice?</p>
<p>portalicious:</p>
<p>You can definitely write about it. Just don’t use it as a plain history-regurgitation with respect to the diagnosis/treatment/etc. </p>
<p>It would be better, instead, to focus on a particular experience – an except from your life. Something that took place amidst the entire ordeal. This experience can be likened to a metaphor for your cancer and provide a good backdrop for an essay. Just avoid cliche themes like “After coming so close to death I appreciate life” or “I can take on the world now” or something (these are cliches, even though true for those who fight cancer).</p>
<p>Alternatively, you could write the essay about something else entirely if you feel there’s another aspect to your personality that you’d rather show the admissions officers and send a separate document talking about your cancer in a more expository manner for the sake of providing background information.</p>
<p>Thanks all for the amazing info!</p>
<p>Personally, the first thing I thought of when brainstorming was a recent trip I took to Macedonia to teach English. Should I avoid talking about traveling, since it might further adcoms perception that I am a rich, white male that shouldn’t get any help from colleges?</p>
<p>Thanks again, you people are awesome!</p>
<p><strong>I preface this review by stating that this is the only essay I will read on cc. Takes too much time</strong></p>
<p>But since I got involved in the thread (only because it was stickied at the top of this cc list) I will comment.</p>
<p>Overlaker, congrats, you are 70% on your way to having an amazing essay. Here is what goes thru my mind when I read it:
- Opening line, great, I am there.
- Second line, wordy, I start to lose interest and focus
- Oh, no, it’s going to be another sports essay whereby the writer learns the value of hard work wins the gold, ugh, and without paragraphs it looks kinda wordy and dense
- Skim to bottom paragraph, a summary. First it seems like a copout. Then I read it. Hmm, it seems to be talking about giving back rather than value of hard work wins the gold. I’ll try to focus on reading it more carefully.
- Second read: gaining more interest, but still wordy, so I’m losing focus again and finding myself skimming, although a little more carefully. I’m picking up snippets of great writing here, I got to force myself to slow down to digest it.
- Third read: wow, this is good; it’s more talking about leaving a sport and why. What a cool twist.
- Last paragraph, kinda of a copout, but I’m happy that it is here or else I would not have given it the second read.</p>
<p>How to improve it:
- Tighten up or eliminate some of the material. Or describe certain points in more detail. It’s rather Aaron Sorkin in it’s clips of many different thoughts or images in 1 sentence. While I love Aaron Sorkin, sometimes I get tired at the amount of attention that I have to pay on it, and if I miss some small detail, then will get totally lost and not know that he’s talking about next, and in my confusion, will lose interest.
- Paragraphs are your friend. Will break it up more visually so easier to skim. And will give us a breath before plunging into your next lines of packed details.
- You spend all of your time stating why you left. I’d like a little more time spent on why you are returning, rather than just a pat - “giving back”</p>
<p>What I learn from you in the essay:
- You are hardworking, dedicated, athletic
- You are naturally disoriented in your changing role from student to coach and grappling with that
- You don’t have all the answers even on why you left, which is honest</p>
<p>Excellent twist and surprise on what I thought was going to be a hackneyed “sports” essay.</p>
<p>Portalicious,</p>
<p>Sorry about the cancer. However, fortunately, or unforunately, having a childhood cancer is pretty rare, and thus adcoms will remember you and you will add diversity to the class by your unique perspective. Thus, it is something that you can write your essay about, but you have to be very careful how you write it. </p>
<ol>
<li>No “woe is me, I’ve got dealt a bad hand”</li>
<li>No platitudes such as “I’ve learned that life is fragile.” “I’ve learned to live life to the fullest.” “I’m a fighter.”<br></li>
</ol>
<p>Interesting ways to incorporate your cancer may be to describe your own average life as a teenager, and snippets of the foreigness of your cancer treatments that the average teen would not even think about, such as taking the SAT, bowling with friends, then getting hooked up to chemotherapy. Another way would be to describe something that you have a perceived natural talent (showing) and then adding the cancer last (surprise, you did all this stuff, even though you had cancer at the same time i.e. Lance Armstrong). Matter-of-fact descriptions of the cancer might come off more powerfully than woe is me decriptions.</p>
<p>It would be a hard essay to write. Try different approaches.</p>
<p>Thursday, DON’T DO IT! It’s one of the most overused essays. Find something that talks about you. Your essays don’t have to talk about any lessons learned, just needs to give a view about what you are like.</p>
<p>Ok, thanks. I’ll try to think of something else.</p>
<p>Good points, YoHoYoHo. I especially like this one: “Another way would be to describe something that you have a perceived natural talent (showing) and then adding the cancer last (surprise, you did all this stuff, even though you had cancer at the same time i.e. Lance Armstrong).”</p>
<p>That idea definitely opens itself up to some extremely interesting essays.</p>
<p>I was thinking about writing about how when I played the Harmonica one day non-stop when I was deathly sick, became obsessed with the harmonica, but then after I got better I never played it again, let alone thought about it. Now only when I become sick at bed do I play it, and I become enveloped in the instrument. Do you think this has potential?</p>
<p>hi,i’m a new member here and i’ve really found your advices really helpful.i just finished what i planned on submitting as my college essay and it had to do with me talking about my country and how i couldn’t possibly achieve much staying in my country.i started with saying how i really didn’t expect applications to college to be so hard(i actually didn’t) and ended with telling them how i didn’t want to end up like my mom…i’mm wondering if this could be good enough and by good enough, i mean really good.</p>
<p>Can someone help critique mine? No plagiarism please!</p>
<p>For the “showing not telling” part, it seems to me that I should go into extreme detail about something that had a monumental impact in my life and then generalize/stray away from detailing the small things that were either inconsequential or just do not provide anything more to the essay.</p>
<p>I’m just saying that’s how I interpret it and it seems to make sense. To really stand out, you have to show a change in your life that the college sees as something new to their diversity profile. At least that’s what I’m hoping/understanding the essay as.</p>
<p>I believe conciseness is something necessary</p>
<p>The biggest rule is that most typical essay rules can be broken if it’s used to skillfully create a better personal statement. For example, repetition of the word “I” can create an effect. Your statement can incorporate poetic techniques into the prose. It will help. </p>
<p>A personal statement is just that: your personal statement. What you want to tell them. It’s best to write as you’d speak if you were in the room with that person talking to him/her. Make them laugh, make them cry, make them remember you while they read the next essay.</p>
<p>I wanted to write an essay about a failed debate tournament and how it had changed me…cliched? :(</p>
<p>portalicious, there are no new topics. an topic can be publishable or any topic can be laughably bad. It is the how and not the what that matters. At least that is my approach. Some people say there are topics not to write about and yet some of the best essays I have read are on exactly those topics.</p>
<p>So, by this logic, would me writing about my autism (going from special ed until community college) and writing about how it shaped my life (as well as how I’ve been able to work with it) be considered “cliche”? I really want to give difficult-to-get-into colleges as many reasons as possible to accept me and I’d hate to have to dismiss writing an essay on my autism because there’s really nothing else I can think of right now.</p>
<p>What about a college essay on writing college essays? Good if pulled off correctly? or just Stupid?</p>
<p>Phoenix, it depends on who reads it. Some admissions officers may find it clever if you pull it off correctly but most will hold it against you. I wouldn’t recommend it.</p>
<p>I’ve heard that some of the best college essays are written on deceptively simple things. Just try to use unique phrAsing and viewpoints and you’ll be able to stand out.</p>