Hello d22 applied to 20 colleges and got in. most app fees were waived. she didn’t know what she wanted. big schools, small schools, urban, rural… got into 18. waitlisted at 2. got merit scholarships to 17.
Now decided forget 15 of the 17 because she wants to commute. UGH. Got a decision day extension from 2 remaining schools. Should she go to closer commute suburban school that will cost 20k per year or slightly further urban school that will cost 9k? Academically, reputation, career outcomes, graduation rates EQUAL. Main difference 9k school has religious affiliation and she is LGBTQ. All I’ve researched said no hostility but culture of silence re LGBTQ there. Because it is city ish it may have slightly better city job connections. 20k school has large active celebrated LGBTQ community. She doesn’t know what to do and wants advice. What should I tell her?
Seems like the basic trade off is:
- How much does the price difference matter? (Be sure to include commuting cost differences.)
- How much does commuting time and logistics differ and matter?
- How much does the difference in LGBTQ situation matter to her?
I have a Lgbtq daughter also. She went on the Facebook groups etc to find her peeps. Also look to see what clubs/activities there are for her. As long as you can cleanly afford both she has to be comfortable in her own skin to do well in college.
Culture of silence? That school would have never made my daughters list. Maybe do a deeper dive to make sure that’s true.
Another question to consider for each school: are the school’s other students mostly commuter, or would she be one of the few commuters at a mostly residential school?
A school which is “tolerant” begs the question as to whether your D is comfortable being “tolerated” or if she wants an environment which is more supportive, embracing, etc. Have your D figure out what a culture of silence means- don’t ask/don’t tell? You will be accepted as long as you don’t have a significant other and expect your classmates to be polite to that person? Don’t inject “personal politics” (i.e. anti-Gay legislation in the community or state) into a discussion during a poli sci class? If you go to health services, the assumption is that you are straight and that any sexual activity is frowned upon?
You guys are the only ones who can figure out if the cost savings are meaningful for your family and if the cultural vibe is important to your D. Plenty of people do fine in the “culture of silence” type environments and plenty do not. We don’t know your D!
I guess she believes a culture of silence is fine because she doesn’t plan to participate anyway. I think she is approaching college without regard to social life and will miss out.
Culture of Silence isn’t just about social life- it’s about defending your political views if it’s relevant in a poli sci class, it’s about pushing back (nicely and with data) when the issue of families in society comes up in a sociology class, it’s about holding what might be a minority view about tax policy in an econ class. Not necessarily relevant for your D- but I went to Business School in the 1970’s and even at a very liberal university (for its time) the overwhelming construct- in Marketing, Econ, Tax, Public Policy, Organizational Psychology… was that a “family unit” was a husband, wife, kids. The wife spent the money (for everything but insurance and autos… so it came up a lot as a marketing issue) and the husband earned the dough, paid the taxes, made the major financial decisions. I think back on my gay classmates (and there were many) and I cringe now!
If I am reading your statements correctly this is horrible. She won’t participate? Why limit yourself in college. There is so much she won’t discover about herself to reach her full potential. This could affect her getting internships /job offers. When looking at college for my daughter having an accepting atmosphere was very important. She had plenty of both straight and Lgbtq friends. Like no one really cared. She had a girlfriend and in a relationship. It was normal there. She lived for 2 years in a coop house with all vegetarians and they made dinner together. Some gay some straight… No one cared. She was free to be who she really is and did excellent work in college and was a known leader on campus because no one cared who or what she was. Just another excellent college student.
it sounds to me like she doesn’t seem quite ready for college- she wants to live at home and doesn’t want to get involved in the community/social life? I would have her do a year of community college/working first and then see what she wants.
Is the price difference a big deal (as in needed to be taken as debt)? Because there does not seem to be any other reason to choose the college which is more likely to have quality of life problems for the student who is LGBTQ.