He’s only 2; as he is more and more verbal, the whining is that thing that gets on anyone’s last nerve.
Lots of gentle parenting, lots of online research happening. But in trying to consider the big picture, I recall taking care of him and noticing the light/sound sensitivities and wonder if some of the whining is just a low level discomfort. Some days, it is whining all day. If he is uncomfortable in his own body those days? If so, then it will behoove us to help him find the tools to learn how to deal and what to expect of his body.
I recall when he was a baby living an isolated very quiet Covid life, when he finally visited, the barking of our dogs shocked and startled him, dramatically. At the time, I thought, “Wow, look what Covid did; kid’s never been exposed to anything” After a few days with dogs, it no longer bothered him. Is it weirdness from Covid lack of exposure to the world and he is getting used to things, but just happens to be a more sensitive soul? Might there be a neurodivergent diagnosis coming?
People are all going to have different levels of sensitivity to different things- light, sound, some get seasick, some don’t; some are more sensitive to foods, some hate tags and itchy clothes and are not truly diagnosable, but still need to learn how to deal with a sensitive body. Hard to tell when he is so young. There are not stereotypical Autism characteristics in that he is social, chatty, has good verbal skills, makes eye contact etc.
I wish I hadn’t attributed my middle kid’s hypersensitivity to whininess as he grew up. I now realize he was truly suffering at times. I consider this to be one of my biggest parenting failures.
i dont have much advice; but i did have a whiny kid. drove me nuts back then.
Out of our four, he never got “good kid of the day” award. I will say kid has progressed to #1 kid now. He’s delightful, generous and caring and off the family payroll! So - while i dont have ideas really how to tame whines - just know it probably wont always be like this.
We had a lot of issues with our son when he was this age, including the issues you describe. We were very frustrated for a few years. I strongly considered the possibility of autism at the time, but ultimately dismissed it because he had ridiculously good verbal skills, was fine socially, made eye contact, and was missing a few other stereotypical traits.
As he has grown (and as I’ve learned more about autism) it has become more and more apparent that he is likely on the autism spectrum. To be clear, we do not think that is a bad thing AT ALL. We never mentioned autism by name to my son or to his doctors directly, but we did talk about “sensory issues” and “struggles reading other people” and “difficulty with change”. We have helped him managed his issues a la carte and he has thrived. He is kind of a weird kid, but is fantastic in school and work and has plenty of friends. All of his odd traits are pretty much charming to us and are just part of his awesome personality.
But when he was at the children’s hospital as a teen, several specialists picked up on this (he is literally hyper-reflexive) and said something to me about it. Coincidentally, on one recent drive to the hospital, my son (who is now 16) kept bringing up some of his issues (including light sensitivity) and saying, “you know, that’s a sign of autism”. I told him that yes, he was correct, and that I wouldn’t be surprised if he was autistic. He asked if we’d ever thought about getting him evaluated for diagnosis. I told him we’d be happy to do that if he’s interested in receiving a diagnosis and thinks it would be helpful.
I plan on following up with him about this before his next checkup. Getting him diagnosed is not important to us since it wouldn’t make a difference in his care and doesn’t change how we see him. But I can definitely understand why it might be important to my son and totally support him wanting to know. It might have made a difference when he was younger, but we wouldn’t have really done any different treatments than what we informally did anyway. A lot of “treatment” for autistic people is actively harmful, so I don’t feel like we missed out on much there. Just wanted to offer my perspective as a parent of a likely autistic child who has thrived with our informal accommodations.
You’re 100% right that right now he is at the “mercy” of his family to help control his environment as opposed to an older person or child having more tools to control their environment. Even a 6 year old can choose to leave a noisy area and go play in their room or seek a quiet less busy spot on the playground - but a two year old if still very people dependent for everything!
No need to search for a “label”. But keep being cognizant of his behaviors and needs and keep everyone caring for him on the same page so there can be consistency for him and all his caretakers! It also doesn’t hurt to share any concerns or “hmmm’s” with people like his pediatrician, child care providers - any others who can assist him or the people in his life!
And since he seems to be pretty verbal (both expressive and receptive?) maybe establish a couple of conversation comments that give him the opportunity to express his needs or discomforts.
“Grandma is checking in with you. Is there something your body needs right now to feel happy?”
Also help prepare him for transitions in environment: inside to outside, warm to cold, one house to another house - just use conversation to give a “heads up” that his environment is going to change soon.
This just brought a big smile to my face because it reminded me of a memory of when my (likely autistic) son was little. He used to say “my BODY won’t LET ME!” all the time. In retrospect, that was a very good way he came up with to tell us about his needs!
We got him books that showed faces labeled with different emotions and did lots and lots of working with him to learn to identify and articulate feelings in himself and others.
We’ve also had to be very explicit with him (to the point of feeling rude at times) about which social rules and mores he needs to follow. He doesn’t pick up on unspoken rules well, but is great at following rules when he knows about them. He is also very honest and lacks deceit. This is in stark contrast to his intuitive younger sibling. Our strategies have really paid off over the years and he is doing great.
My oldest son did this when he was 7 or 8, old enough to understand when I put my foot down and told him “I cannot hear you when you whine like that” and I followed through. It was hard but I ignored him. I do not remember how long it took, but he stopped it.
There is much wisdom in the replies here, but I just want to add on to one point that how you handle whining in a neuro typical kid is probably not how you would handle it in a kid with SPD. It could be very harmful.
I used to refer to the book The out of Sync Child. I’m not sure if that’s still recommended as a resource or if there is anything better out there these days.
Another thing I would say is that most parents of kids like this later regret not having been more gentle. It’s often hard to figure out where to draw the line with behavior and that’s why research, a specialist, or a diagnosing can be helpful. Maybe start with a referral from the pediatrician to an occupational therapist who works with kids with spd.
I have two kids with SPD. I used to hear it morphs into anxiety as kids become adults Maybe. I’m not sure. But it still stays as part of their neurological make up and will show up in different ways. It’s better to be aware if that as these kid mature because it can help give insights into behavior later on.
These are all great insights you’ve made. This one in particular makes me reflect on my kids over the years. Both my 16yo (probably autistic) son, and my 14yo (definitely not autistic) son have shown “anxiety” traits over the years, which has been noted by their pediatricians and described as something that might persist and require treatment.
For the 16yo, we have since learned that it’s entirely related to sensory issues and other discomfort involving the autistic traits (not understanding other people, having trouble with change, physical discomfort); it is totally situational and is not anxiety as a biochemical issue. It is easily managed and non-existent with the right environment.
For the 14yo, it’s become clear that it’s biochemical (anxiety/OCD inherited from spouse with many of the same traits). The dramatic improvement with anxiety/OCD meds has borne this out. Son and spouse have an ongoing dialogue with each other and professionals about how to be the healthiest while managing these issues.
Thank you for thinking of these kids and wanting to learn about them and their unique challenges as they grow. It has been so fascinating and rewarding to learn these things about my children (and about myself and spouse) as they’ve matured. I do not love them in spite of these quirks and issues, I see these things as intrinsic to who they are and love them BECAUSE of who they are. There are advantages to these traits, and challenges. We try to frame it thusly: “how can I help you learn to see and use the advantages of your traits, while supporting you through the challenges?”
On a funny note, DD was teaching a swim class and one little girl started into a major whine. She turned and said “I can’t hear you when you talk like that. Use your regular voice.” Then stopped in her tracks and started laughing
I thought of another reason the a small child might be whining, GERD. My friend’s son was just a disagreeable guy. He was very healthy so they didn’t suspect anything, but he had GERD and his stomach was irritated most of the time. Medication helped and he grew out of it. He also really liked to stay home and disliked travel, probably because of the change in diet.
My friend’s son was whiny. His doctor eventually discovered that his sinus passages were too small (or whatever medical terminology is used for that description). He was miserable, but he didn’t know why & whining was how he dealt with the constant discomfort.
My advice: don’t respond to the whining. If my kids were whining that they wanted something, they didn’t get it.
That said, I do know that whining can be caused by certain issues such as being neurodivergant, etc…if that’s a concern, then I’d speak to a doctor or other professional.
My friends son was like this - he whined at me VERY LOUDLY when we were shopping at age 5, and I put him in time out at my house until he was ready to apologize. He seriously sat there for 3 hours. Sure, he got up a few times (a lot of times) and asked if he could get out of timeout, but each time I asked if he was sorry yet and each time he said no, so I told him his time out had to continue. Finally at about the 3 hour mark he apologized. I don’t know if he was actually sorry or if he finally realized I wasn’t messing around and he had to lie - lol. I still can’t believe he actually sat there that long. But… Guess who stopped being whiney with me after that weekend? He’s 14 now and hasn’t done it since to me. Not a single time.
That being said, he behaved like that for his parents all the time… it was constant back and forth every time we’re out there visiting. He has been less whiney the past few times we saw him… so maybe he grew out of it? I don’t know.
